Why does honest to goodness heartbreak come back to haunt you? Why so long after something can happen, can it feel like it was 5 minutes ago?

I don't know why I've only truly been heartbroken once in my life and I don't know why after all that hurt and all that pain and all that ice cream...why it's still the only one I want back. The squabbles, the uncertainty, the newness, the rebelousness.

He broke my heart so many times by telling me he couldn't love b/c he couldn't trust me with himself. He'd loved me once, at least we'd thought, maybe it was love. But so early I hurt him so much. I played so many games...we played so many games. I was so young and so stupid. So nieve. I never once thought it was love. I thought everytime I dated a guy, it was going to be like that, but better, b/c he was only my first and there would be many more to come. What I never realized was that I'd spend the next year rebounding...everytime looking for more than we what we had, eventually I was just looking for something evenly remotely equal, but it was never was. It was easier to date, I was more experienced, but I never realized how good I had had it until I ventured out. I never realized how slowly we had moved, how he'd waited until I was absolutely ready before he'd even think about it...and how most guys aren't like that at all.

When I get sentimental and think back, I wish I could take back the games, take away the night I lost his trust, take away the angry words and the uncertainty. I wish I had been the sweet girlfriend I am now to guys that don't deserve it. I wish I could have been everything he wanted. Mostly I wish I had just realized how truly happy I was. Those feeling of butterflies I fell asleep with everynight weren't normal occurances, I wish I had realized it. Those smiles that made my face hurt, those kisses and late nights steaming up the windows. Every part of me yearning, never questioning, always wanting, always passionate, always wanting him.

I never should have put myself in the position that I did. I was too young to date anyone when we started dating...too immature, but I didn't realize it. I didn't understand that it was a two person relationship idea, I had no idea what to do, say, think...I was so lost. I wish I had more experience, I wish I had done everything right. I wish when he said he couldn't date me, I'd walked away...but if I'd done that...we wouldn't have had last summer...and that's unfathomable to me.

Nowadays, I'm not passionate, I don't care about what they think and they hardly listen when I talk, but I still date them. I let them call me their own, I let them hold my hand, but they never hold it right, they don't know which side to stand on. I let them kiss me, but I'm always disappointed and my heart doesn't race like it did with him, they never smell right. I go through the motions, but not without him in my thoughts. Everytime I try to tell myself, it's okay, you're over it, it's normal to wonder. It'll get better, you'll like them more, they love you, you should love them.

But I never do and I don't like them more. I grow fond of them, like old friends, good friends, but I can never give my heart up to them no matter how hard I try. And I hate that fact and everytime I tell myself it's going to be different and everytime I want it to be different and I try so hard to love them, I say it and I try to convince myself over and over again, that he's fading, that this is right...but it isn't, it never is.

If I could go back and change it, I'd make it all work out and I'd never go through half the pain I've gone through since. I'm not a quite big enough dreamer to believe that we never fought and that everything was roses, because it wasn't and I was a huge pain in the ass, hell he could be a huge pain in the ass sometimes. And he broke my heart. I should hate him, I shouldn't yearn for him.

But I do. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't think there is a chance in hell that he'd ever take me back just because...he can't. Sometimes I think I couldn't put it all on the line again anyway.

But then what the hell am I supposed to do? I wish someone would tell me, tell me what's in the cards. Because I can't settle anymore, I'm tired of playing games and trying to convince myself that some new guy will be better even though he holds my hand wrong, stands on the wrong side of me and doesn't kiss me even close to the right way. I just want a chance at it all again. The thought of him dating another girl always makes me ill and insanely jealous, the idea of us ending up with different people, also makes me sick. I have no intentions of marrying him or anyone for that matter anytime in the next 4 years, marriage is beyond my fathoming in my current life, I'd like to graduate from college first, thanks very much. But I miss him. And I want him. I want to make it all right and put a big bandaid on it and say I'm sorry and I'll never do anything to hurt you ever again (and mean it) and I want it to be like in the movies where he takes me back and we both realize what morons we were.

I'd do anything to not feel like this anymore, to finally have it leave my system. To not spend the occassional night lost in thought and tears. To not wake up smiling and humming only to realize it was only a dream. To not feel the pullings on my heartstrings. I'd even settle for being able to give my heart away to someone else, or even truly enjoy dating someone else.

But I can't.

And I don't know why.

I don't even know if I ever loved him and if he ever loved me.

But I'd give all the riches in the world to be in his arms tonight, not making any decisions, not worrying about the future or the current time or anything else...just having him hold me close so I can breathe him in again and feel finally safe, content and calm.

Searching For on 5/06/2005 12:00:00 AM.