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4.30.2005 Oh smirnoff, how I love thee...how I love thee so. Don't worry, we'll all be forgiven, we're only freshman (HAHA, I just realized I'm FRESHMAN FEVER girl...haha...oh fruck, I hated those freshman when I was senior...) ~Freshman~ When I was young I knew everything And she a punk who rarely ever took advice Now I'm guilt-stricken sobbing with my head on the floor Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now Can't be held responsible She was touching her face I won't be held responsible She fell in love in the first place For the life of me I cannot remember What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins We were merely freshmen My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor Thinks about her now and how he never really wept Can't be held responsible She was touching her face I won't be held responsible She fell in love in the first place For the life of me I cannot remember What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins We were merely freshmen Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah We tried to wash our hands of all of this And never talk of our lacking relationships Or how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say Can't be held responsible She was touching her face I won't be held responsible She fell in love in the first place For the life of me I cannot remember What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins We were merely freshmen For the life of me I cannot remember What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins We were merely freshmen For the life of me I cannot remember What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise... Searching For on 4/30/2005 08:21:00 PM.
Last night was a good girls night. All of Jeanne's girls are in, but currently they're going to pick up another...I'm enjoying the silence for a bit. Jeanne's older sister a very much so a sweetheart, but not so much a partier like my sister, so going clubbing wasn't the greatest thing ever, but it was still definitely fun. (When my sister and I go, it can get pretty intense after a few shots and smernofs, but when we dance, we dance however want, together we're "sexy" dancers if you will and well...Jeanne's friends...are not...so toning it down occassionally makes it not so fun). We did so much stuff, I'm too lazy to elaborate, but it was fun. Tonight I wouldn't mind cuddling with boy and having a taking it easy evening. He was having a bad day yesterday, but didn't want it to rub off on me and he had to work last night. When the last time a guy admitted to being in a bad mood and not wanting it to rub off on me...I don't even know, I appreciated it though, a lot. I just...I like how nothing is rushed, we're in no hurry, things will happen as they happen, if they happen. Last night I had fun flirting with Nate and even Frank (in good taste with Frank, Nate...well...)and it was just a good time, I can't count how many times I've gone out with Frank, Nate & Jeanners, but I can't even say one other time that I've ever flirted with Nate. I was a constant flirt in HS and I kind of miss it. Anyway, I meant to say that's nice to be getting to know Mike, but it's also nice to just let things go as they go and not worry about the rest of our lives, next week, tomorrow, or even this summer. Sometimes I worry but then he does something and I know he's still interested. I'm the younger one by much in this one, so I let him lead, I have yet to have a successful and happy relationship, so where and if he leads, I'm happy enough to follow if he asks me to. I've stopped looking for love and started living life...eventually I'm sure I'll fall in love and be fallen in love with and it'll all fall into place. Someone super smart once told me that if it's meant to be, it will be and if it's not, it won't be...the older and wiser I get...the more I learn that some people are older and wiser than I am and that I should listen to them more often...but then I really wouldn't get it, would I? Life would be easier if you could truly learn from other's mistakes and just take their advice and realize that it is indeed, actual good and sound advice, but I suppose that you cannot...but I so wish you could. I can't help it, I adore this song IWhat day is it And in what month This clock never seemed so alive I can't keep up and I can't back down I've been losing so much time Cause it's you and me and all of the people Nothing to do, nothing to lose And it's you and me and all of the people and I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you All of the things that I want to say Just aren't coming out right I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning I don't know where to go from here Cause it's you and me and all of the people With nothing to do, nothing to prove And it's you and me and all of the people and I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you Something about you now I can't quite figure out Everything she does is beautiful Everything she does is right Cause it's you and me and all of the people With nothing to do, nothing to lose And it's you and me and all of the people and I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of You and me and all of the people With nothing to do nothin to prove and It's you and me and all of the people and I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you What day is it And in what month This clock never seemed so alive Searching For on 4/30/2005 01:11:00 PM.
4.28.2005 Just got back from work...long night, but it's okay. We were going to go out but Jeanners and Frank are currently having a bit of a tiff, so I'm staying in to support, plus this weekend is going to be W I L D! Much like last weekend, but better. On a school note, I pulled a 92 on my Anthro, 92 on calc and an A on my econ midterms. I missed 2 out of 10 on my vball quiz...go figure...first round is shaping up okay, but except calc, those could be A-'s...but you know what? It's spring quarter...and sometimes you have to live life a little and make yourself happy...the balance is key...the balance... Jeanne has her older sister and 3 friends coming in, hopefully I won't be here at least one night (simply b/c it'll make sleeping arrangments easier). This week it has been super hard for me to concentrate on school. I have concentrated beautifully on my workouts...okay actually let go off on a tangent here...it has been noticed by my lovely friends (gosh I'm so happy to be back with my girls...and my boys) that whenever I'm horribly attracted to a guy of interest or the guy I'm dating, gym workouts increase, tanning sessions increase, make-up increases, clothes come out of the closet. I feel better, I look better and I smile more. I didn't see that I was unhappy, I was so blind and I know it wasn't always like that...but I got caught up in something...that just wasn't meant to be and it wasn't right and I for some reason I couldn't see, but everyone around me could. I'm so glad my girls and my boys have re-embraced me, b/c they definitely didn't have to. Jeanne and I sat in this room and giggled for 3 hours last night for no reason, just b/c we were happy. I'll admit it...we've had SO much girl talk this week. Lee and I are finally getting along, I mean we did hw together in my room today with music and singing...I thanked God for helping me see a beautiful young woman in someone I had trouble being in the same room with. Life's funny like that. I've also talked to Nate lately. ::sigh:: Going home this summer is going to be hard, b/c I do thing he's an amazing guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. That said it'd be easier to fall into something that could potentially break my heart. Much as I'd love to cut the apron strings, I'll never be able to and I seriously doubt he'll ever be able to. I mean seriously, sometimes he just says the right things at the right times. He's one of the only people I seriously just love talking to. It will be okay I'm sure. I'm excited that it's the weekend and that Mike and I will hopefully get to hang out some. I actually kind of enjoy the slow pace (okay so it's not EXACTLY SLOW in all aspects, but in others). I dunno, little things he's done make me smile. So often in college things go SO fast that you feel like you can never catch up, it's like you're hardly friends before you're dating and then zip zip zip. I mean it's okay to be dating quickly, but I really I dunno...I'm rambling and I can't explain. But I enjoy getting to know people slowly and getting comfortable slowly and just letting things happen and develop in a natural way that you almost don't notice. Relationships take work, I'll admit, but I like them best when you fall into them and then you work on them when you need to. lol I'm a girl and I soooo just overanalyzed, omg...I can't believe I just did that...must be the hormones...Ohh stop laughing...;-} Oh and I have mentioned that my cousin absolutely rocks? I'm so excited you're coming to see me! Oh so many girls nights! Girl I'm sorry I've been such a bitch, I knew not what I did, I was just trying to do the right thing. I love you so much, thanks for never giving up on me, even when I am being a bitch...and I'm sorry that things changed, b/c that is my fault, but as you say, life goes on. You're the coolest girl in the world and I love you with all my heart. I'll be here for you forever and beyond. and oh girl..."God help the mister, that comes b/t me and my sister(s)." Oh and Rach...omg I love you! I can't wait to see you all summer! We're gonna light up the town! I've rambled and reflected too much, I've off to visit my boys before bed...9:30 is SO early on Friday Searching For on 4/28/2005 10:52:00 PM.
I adorrrrre this song. Lifehouse is awesome sometimes... You And Me Lifehouse What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive I can't keep up and I can't back down I've been losing so much time Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to lose And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right I'm tripping on words You've got my head spinning I don't know where to go from here Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to prove And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you There's something about you now I can't quite figure out Everything she does is beautiful Everything she does is right Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to lose And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to prove And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive Searching For on 4/28/2005 02:48:00 PM.
4.26.2005 oh my...if elephants could fly and fish could sing, I wouldn't be any happier. This is so ridiculously silly... I feel like I'm 16 again...I'm such a retard It'll pass, I'll settle down, I'm not even obsessive, I'm just freaking happy, my face is starting to hurt from smiling. I dunno if it'll even work out...it's just so nice to be back in the land of living... I'm rambling...aimlessly...life is just too good to sleep...I'm going to pay for this in anthro tomorrow... ::big smile:: God bless my roommate and her putting up with me... Searching For on 4/26/2005 01:01:00 AM.
4.25.2005 Quote of the day "You know how we do what we do" Good day...still hungover most of the day...but nevertheless...good day. Had trouble paying attention in class....had definate trouble paying attention in econ in the first place, then received a call...then wasn't able to control my drifting thoughts...amazing...school centered girl finds herself lost in daydreams...how perfectly wonderful (every once in awhile anyway). ::sighs:: this is how it should be...I've got nitch to nothing done today however...such a floating mind...forgot to eat...worked out on nothing...still humming, still smiling, still doing strange little happy dances every once in awhile. I'm so 10, I know...I also know this phase will pass...but hopefully not for awhile, the new and the interesting, the nervousness and the fluttering, the secret smiles and the new places to fit, the new comforts. New things to learn...it's all pretty cool. Never thought I'd end up quite here and I might not "end up here" if you will (let's not jump the gun about a gazillion times too early), but it's going to be a fun time nevertheless...and that's what college is all about new experiences...and fun times... don't I make you all want to throw up? I know...but isn't it cute? I think it's cute. "The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more" Searching For on 4/25/2005 10:07:00 PM.
4.24.2005 wow...it was just a great weekend...a wonderful one. I see many more great ones in the future (I can hope, right?) ::sigh:: When God closes a door he opens a beautiful window and the sun shines in!!! I mean...::sighs:: to be this happy and content, is one of the great feelings of life. Embarking on a new unknown journey, totally amazing. Oh and umm...this is A D O R A B L E but not like ewww I'm going to throw up from the sweetness of it, like "aww, that's really cute" adorable. You know how we do what we do... "Life is only an aspired dream within a dream. At times, when you ignore the sorrows of life and the ignorance that is abundant throughout our planet, you get that finite moment where you can take a gasping breath. You then devour that moment for that brief second till life itself, again, feels normal. Be careful not to blink for in that one second of sweetness, the light of your own happiness is gone yet again leaving you waiting for that next moment where time stops for that glorious second. The feeling of being wanted is so beautiful, leaving your heart craving for more whence it is gone. You will become at ease once you feel that irreplaceable feeling that has been lost for what seemed to be an eternity. You will know it is that right feeling when it comes because the skies will seem to emanate that glorious light down from the heavens to calm your heart forever." Searching For on 4/24/2005 11:25:00 PM.
4.23.2005 Oh what a night! It was fantastic...and now I have a headache...and need a shower and a workout...and some water and a couple excedrine...but that's okay...it shouldn't be humanely possible to be this happy though. I've got that singing, dancing around to music that isn't playing happiness with the ridiculous grin...even though almost emptied the contents of my stomach onto the stretching mat @ Larkins...I was okay lifting and working out for an hour, but the whole stretching thing was a little rough...still the stupid little grin, which is sad, b/c I got NADA sleep and played some serious beer pong last night...and for those you that don't know...I suck at beer pong...and they made it girls against boys...damn it was a good night.... Couple of revelations concerning ALL aspects of my life... Life is too short to let people treat like shit for no good reason...it's way too short to let this happen to you more than once. If they were your friend or they really loved you, they wouldn't do it to you repeatedly. Everyone has bad days, but I have bad days too and damnnit I have enough stuff going on to make anyone's head spin, we all do, it's called LIFE. Life is just too short to put up with it and personally I don't think people change in that aspect. I'm not running my life pleasing everyone but me damnit...so fuck off and get off... Just in case anyone was wondering...I don't really care if I just pissed anyone off. I'm tired of games and I won't play anymore. Searching For on 4/23/2005 07:59:00 AM.
4.22.2005 Had lunch with Sarah this afternoon at View Point, it was amazing. I love hot lunch dates with Sarah...we let all our stress out big time about EVERYTHING without holding back. Funny how close you can get to a girl even after you've lived a pretty embarrassing college first and last with her. I love Sarah. I've been horribly busy and stressed all week, so many midterms, so much stuff to do. My schedule for fall is going to be hell if I ever even figure it out...so far it doesn't even work b/c of the honors business classes being retarded and long. I'm going to be in class from 8-7 everyday but Friday, when it's 8-5 if I take the honors business. I've already been kicked out of honors math, to keep my scholarship I need to stay in honors business...but it's going to be so unpleasant for the next 4 years, I just don't see why it's worth it. I called Daddy almost in tears over the whole thing yesterday on my way to work (I was so stressed about everything else already, I couldn't take a scheduling mess on top of it) and I told him I wanted to get the hell out of the honors program b/c I've never fit in with honors kids in the first place (they annoy the hell out of me in general and I annoy the hell out of them...I've never acted intelligent around my peers, it will get you killed and it's not my personality) and because I just don't see the pay off, except I'd lose the scholarship. It's times like this that I wish I was paying for my own college so I didn't feel so opposed to making my parents pay more b/c of a choice I make... Mom has been getting worse and I hate being here and not home. I feel like I've deserted her, I just want to go and take care of her at home. I've done for 4 years...I feel so powerless so far away. I quite detest it. Jeanne and I have been on each other's last nerves all week and last weekend. Neither of us can hold a grudge worth beans, so they don't last long, but they make both of us feel like shit. She knows she's in the cutest part of her relationship to her and Frank, but the grossiest to the rest of us, she understands this. She's also starting to realize that I get jealous of her and Frank no matter how hard I try not to and she's trying to cool it in my presence (like not have sex in the bed beneath me when I'm sleeping on the top bunk). We're both stressed about school and everything else...so we're not truly angry, it's just adding frustration. goodness. Jeanne and I just blew our power in our bedroom while we were both getting ready (double blow dryers= blown fuse). I think it's completely and totally ridiculous that we have to send service requests for someone to wander down to the breaker and turn it off and on. Silly. So now I'm half ready, my hair is dry but not curled, I took a 45 minute shower tonight (it was one of those showers you'd for one of two reasons, to completely and totally relax and feel all girly and pampered or to get ready for a hot sexy date that's going to end up in somebody's bed, unalone), so now I have wonderfully soft hair and skin and I smell good and ummm...the most exciting thing I'm going to do tonight is go play with the boys in the 40's tonight...blah...that doesn't even require to change out of my jeans and cami or put on make-up...how exciting. Jeanners is going to Frank's for the evening, Lee & Sarah are gone, and it's raining and dreary outside. No roommate and rain...perfect night to stay inside and have passionate and wild freaky sex. Or curl up in bed with a good book, exotic tea and a puppy. ::sighs:: I'm in a grumpy mood for no apparent reason, it's friday, I finished my first round of midterms and it's 6:00...every single other time this has occured, at this time I have popped my first top of the evening, turned up the music and began putting on make-up and changing into skankier and skankier outfits as I drank more until we were ready to leave. It's sad when you're too grumpy to party or drink, especially when it has no reason AND it's Friday...what OSU coed doesn't want to go out on Friday?! I hate being in a funk, it's so ridiculous... I'm going to take a nap... could be that I'm exhausted or some such...and I'll awaken much happier and not in such a ranting mood. Searching For on 4/22/2005 05:47:00 PM.
4.21.2005 I <3 The Clarks! and they're coming next weekend!!! and we're going...and well you know, what we'll be doing there...."chasing girls...(err boys)...drinking beer...gettin' stoned..." ;-} Partiers and broken hearts unite...and party hard away the hurt... I've been down this road ten times I would run, I would hide From the fears that ruled my mind And so I asked this guy We'll call him Oz, call him wise He laughed and offered his advice Get out of your black hole Join life's circus sideshow Shimmy, shimmy low, Got to free my soul Want to walk on water, Gonna lose control Shimmy, shimmy low, Got to free my soul Gonna walk on water, Gonna lose control I'd practice to believe Fear is real, a disease And hold myself against my knees And if you lose your mind Call the sun, then unwind There's too much to leave behind He said you ought to know Life's on remote control...Got to... Shimmy, shimmy low, Got to free my soul Want to walk on water, Gonna lose control Shimmy, shimmy low, Got to free my soul Want to walk on water, Gonna lose control Much to my surprise, I've been so high I'll kiss the sky from this broken dream I'll rise Shimmy, shimmy low, Got to free my soul Want to walk on water, Gonna lose control Got to Shimmy, shimmy low, Got to free my soul Searching For on 4/21/2005 02:36:00 PM.
4.14.2005 OMG...so now that I'm SOBBING...I don't wanna go hoooome ;-( In a few weeks... A year has past and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything yet nothing being the same. In a few weeks we will reluctantly give our hugs and, fighting the tears, say goodbye to the people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people that we hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to return to our best friends. We will go back to places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even thought it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday. As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. Who will you call first? Where are you going to work? Who will be at the party Saturday night? What has everyone been up to? Who from school will you keep in touch with? How long before you actually start missing people bargaining in without calling or knocking? Who will get breadsticks with you at three in the morning? How long until you adjust to sleeping in a room by yourself, or how long before you realize your three best friends aren't in the bed next to your room? Then you realize how much things have changed, you realize the hardest part of college is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's traveling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:00 classes, and perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we have lived in it for nineteen years. But it is different now... We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know whom we have kept in touch with over the past year and whom we hold dearest to our hearts. We've left our high school worlds to deal with the real world. We have had our hearts broken, we've fell in love, we've helped our best friends through the toughest times of their lives, something their even best friends at home couldn't be there for. We've stayed up all night just to be there for a friend. We've partied the night away, doing stupid stuff, but we were always there for each other afterwards. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families or friends needed us most, and there are times when we know we have made a difference. A few weeks from now we will leave. A few weeks from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random emails and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world. A few weeks from now from now we will arrive. A few weeks from now from now we will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought us laughter and tears over the past year. We will unpack old memories and dreams that have been put away for the past year. A few weeks from now we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in someway, we will find our place between these two worlds. In a few weeks.... are you ready? (Yeah so, I did borrow it from someone else, but it is what it is all about) Searching For on 4/14/2005 11:48:00 AM.
4.05.2005 She'll let you in her house If you come knockin' late at night She'll let you in her mouth If the words you say are right If you pay the price She'll let you deep inside But there's a secret garden she hides She'll let you in her car To go drivin' round She'll let you into the parts of herself That'll bring you down She'll let you in her heart If you got a hammer and a vise But into her secret garden, don't think twice You've gone a million miles How far'd you get To that place where you can't remember And you can't forget She'll lead you down a path There'll be tenderness in the air She'll let you come just far enough So you know she's really there She'll look at you and smile And her eyes will say She's got a secret garden Where everything you want Where everything you need Will always stay A million miles away Searching For on 4/05/2005 10:57:00 PM.
I love my life and my friends...seriously... Leapoffaith838: fuck that if my husbands a surgeon Leapoffaith838: I'm going to be a professional brain surgeon Leapoffaith838: lol Leapoffaith838: or President Slicer11X: i dont know if i would want the person who use to run into walls at basketball games operating on my brain Leapoffaith838: I'd hate to think anyone was smarter than I am Leapoffaith838: that only happened a COUPLE of times Slicer11X: no ones smarter than you dear Slicer11X: except me Searching For on 4/05/2005 09:12:00 PM.
I met God's Will on a Halloween night He was dressed as a bag of leaves It hid the braces on his legs at first His smile was as bright as the August sun When he looked at me As he struggled down the driveway, it almost Made me hurt Will don't walk too good Will don't talk too good He won't do the things that the other kids do, In our neighborhood [Chorus:] I've been searchin', wonderin', thinkin' Lost and lookin' all my life I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated I've wrestled wrong and right He was a boy without a father And his mother's miracle I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin' I guess I would be still Yeah, that was until I knew God's Will Will's mom had to work two jobs We'd watch him when she had to work late And we'd all laugh like I hadn't laughed Since I don't know when Hey Jude was his favorite song At dinner he'd ask to pray And then he'd pray for everybody in the world but him [Chorus] Before they moved to California His mother said, they didn't think he'd live And she said each day that I have him, well it's just another gift And I never got to tell her, that the boy Showed me the truth In crayon red, on notebook paper, he'd written Me and God love you I've been searchin', prayin', wounded, jaded I guess I would be still Yeah that was until... I met God's Will on a Halloween night He was dressed as a bag of leaves Searching For on 4/05/2005 05:58:00 PM.
Disclaimer: A girl likes to rant once and awhile for no particular reason about things she feels like ranting about. They could be years old, but she felt like bitching about it. Forgive her. I hate to hurt. and I hate liars. and incompetent people. promise breakers (synonamous with liars) fighting...constantly and being threatened and illness and mind games, stupid, ridiculous struggles for power apathy....most of all I hate apathy... and apologies that aren't true and promises that are broken. A stiff apology is a second insult... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. Gilbert K. Chesterton Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again. Rosa Parks Searching For on 4/05/2005 12:15:00 AM.
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