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2.25.2005 In the game of life...you win some...you lose some. You make good decisions, you make bad decisions. You ask people for advice, you figure it out for yourself. Mom has always been right and always told me the right things...I wish I could have learned from her words...I wish I could grasp their concepts and how right they were...without having to live through the consequences...I know understand what my mother meant when she wished that her experiences could be mine...but alas my mother knew more than I did...she knew I'd have to learn about the harshness of life on my own...and she gave me the coping skills to do so...but I still wish sometimes...that I could have just listened and understood the wise words of my mother. Lana....I wanna go to Capri....wanna go? Searching For on 2/25/2005 05:51:00 PM.
Just to see you smile I’d do anything That you wanted me to And all is said and done I’d never count the cost It’s worth all that’s lost Just to see you smile Lol, so I've had my old journal out for the past couple days. It has been catching my wrath. I always laugh when I read my journal, because I've had it since I was really young, 2nd or 3rd grade and I've only written in it when I don't know where else to turn. My despair as a child, makes me laugh. Entries from high school are still to fresh, so I choose not to read them. It's funny how letting your thoughts just flow out of your brain and into paper can make you feel so much better. I'm excited about this weekend (even though I have an exam on Monday) It's always great to see old friends again...particurarly this one. Anyway, EXCITING weekend ahead...little alcohol, little boy...little fun with friends...not being sick anymore....B E A U T I F U L Another day has almost come and gone Can’t imagine what else could wrong Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door A single battle lost but not the war (‘cause) Tomorrow’s another day And I’m thirsty anyway So bring on the rain It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round A couple drops and they all start coming down Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head I might be barely breathing - but I’m not dead Tomorrow’s another day And I’m thirsty anyway So bring on the rain I’m not gonna let it get me down I’m not gonna cry And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well in the town where I was raised, the clock ticks and the cattle graze. Time passed with amazing grace back where I come from. You could lie on a riverbank, or paint your name on a water tank, or miscount all the beers you drank back where I come from. Back where I come from where I'll be when it's said and done. I'm proud as anyone, That's where I come from. We learned in a Sunday school who made the sun shine through. I know who made the moon shine too back, where I come from. Blue eyes on a Saturday night, tan legs in the broad daylight. TV’s they were black and white back where I come from. Back where I come from where I'll be when it's said and done. I'm proud as anyone, that's where I come from. Some say it's a backward place narrow minds on the narrow way but I make it a point to say that's where I come from. That's where come from where I'll be when it's said and done. I’m proud as anyone, that's where I come from. Back where I come from I'm an old tennessean I'm proud as anyone that's where I come from. Searching For on 2/25/2005 03:09:00 PM.
2.24.2005 Sometimes I do things that I know and realize are very stupid and make no sense whatsoever to my head...they are irrational, they are stupid, they are dumb. I am okay with this, because I am not perfect, I never want to be perfect, I do not want the perfect relationship, so I'll just be stupid. Chris.....love you...thank you for being here for me Searching For on 2/24/2005 06:47:00 PM.
2.21.2005 The fact that the autonomic nervous system cannot tolerate constant anxiety and stress is a beautiful thing. Classes were good today. Nice to get my mind out of its realms of it's stupidity. But I knew everything was going to be okay when I heard this while doing my spanish homework in Larkins. To set the scene... 2 young boys about to go swimming. "Grant, you've got to take off your UNDERWEAR to go swimming" "Nu-uh" "Yes you do, that's what mommy said" "But I'm not WEARING any underwear today" I laughed so hard I cried. Then I realized once again that I want to have children, much like my brother...at least 3. After my good laugh I also simply realized how easily my decision was to make and how I couldn't solve it on my own, my boyfriend was right. Love is not calculated, you cannot judge it and you cannot help it. You also can't pretend it's not there...when it is. There are layers of love, this I will admit. And I although I think TRUE love...takes years...if we all waited for true love to fall in our laps...well, we'd wait forever. Sometimes you've gotta take a chance, tell your head to go screw itself and listen to your heart. Oh...and leave the past in the PAST, that's where it b e l o n g s. Memories will come back to you...as they should but...they're just memories... and if the past should persay tell you that it loves you or that it misses you...well you should always give things a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th chance. But eventually...you've got to remember the heartache and EVERYTIME how much it hurt and NICELY tell the past...that you'll always love your first real love, it's what we all do. But...sometimes it just isn't meant to be. ::sighs:: guess who is horrible at apologizing, admitting she was wrong and begging for forgiveness? Guess who's going to do all those things gladly to gain back her love and then work her tail off to gain back trust in her again? You'd think I'd learn... Searching For on 2/21/2005 04:17:00 PM.
In order to drive yourself absolutely insane. -be moody...all weekend...do NOT tell your boyfriend what's wrong...keep insisting it's NOTHING until he starts to feel badly b/c he's bugging you about it...b/c of course...it's not your fault. -Be an emotional train wreck right before he leaves, make his departure unspecial, especially since he just drove forever to see you and is driving forever back and brought you the cuttttttest presents. -Make sure you let him see the real you once or twice...it'll drive him crazy. -Decide to go home the next weekend...to deal with your issues...oh wait or maybe to see your ex boyfriend who you always fight with and swears he doesn't love you until he misses you...right because you should put him before your boyfriend...because that makes perfect sense. -Pick a fight with your boyfriend b/c you're so confused at the world, you should take it out on the one person who doesn't already think you're bipolar or just plain crazy. Refuse to tell him what's wrong. -Take a relaxing bath at your brother's and sister's, where you have been since 5 minutes after your boyfriend left, because you just had to. Not feel relaxed because you're so upset about things you shouldn't even be upset about. -Think about every little tantalizing detail of you and your ex...relive how you met, your romantic dinners, your platonic times, your guttered minds and your innocence. Miss your innocence so much it hurts. -Listen to the rain and cry yourself to sleep simply because you can, b/c you're sleeping in a double bed at your brother and sister's and for once in a million years, you're alone. -Wake up the next morning and go with your brother on his ride to work...see the rain and the darkness and wish that it would swallow you up for a few hours, a few days...and take you away from your stupidity and confusion. -Feel helpless in the mess you've created...because THAT helps... oh dear kids....oh dear.... Searching For on 2/21/2005 07:01:00 AM.
2.20.2005 So ummmmmmm I had a h o r m o n a l weekend. lol. I don't even think I can possibly count the mood swings I had...and honestly, I'm not quite such a horrid mood swinger all the time...it's bad when I can't keep up with which mood I'm in. I mean...bipolar.geeeeeeesh. Touch me, get away from me. Don't leave me, get the fuck away from me, I'm tired, I'm wired, hold me, keep a 10 feet radius...baaaaaaah. None of THAT makes sense to me. So much...to think about. Too many emotions...too much unclearness...too much still lingering that should have ended long ago. Damn that stupid movie. and mono...mono makes me slow down and not fill my days from morning until night so that I never have to think. I like my life this way. Why on earth would anyone else like calculus...when you're doing it, you can't think about anything else...BINGO. I think I'm going home this weekend, which is unfortunate timing...but I'm going to lose it quite frankly by midweek. Plus there's that matter of unfinished business once again. Damn him...and his continuance in my life. Damn stupid movies and the choice of head and choice of heart. Damn Noah and his words of "we might fight everyday, we might get mad and hate each other...but we'll always be here for each other when the sun rises again" DAMN that fucking line! okay, I'm done venting. On the bright side....besides being bipolar, I had a wonderful weekend with Drew. He's amazing, perfect, charming, smart, got all the roommates approval. Thanks Drew. Lana, you're in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through sweetie, I love you. ::big hug:: (no kisses...mono) Oh and I'm sure I'll survive this storm. I've got good people around me, to support me and get me through, as always. Plus it's not so bad, and it can always get worse, so no worries. Searching For on 2/20/2005 09:01:00 PM.
2.18.2005 As time goes on I realize Just what you mean To me And now Now that you’re near Promise your love That I’ve waited to share And dreams Of our moments together Color my world with hope of loving you Searching For on 2/18/2005 05:05:00 PM.
2.13.2005 Dramatic night in the life of me. It was just one of those nights of complete frustration when you just lose it all and you don't know why and you don't know what's wrong with you. We all have these. My brother has told me many evenings that turned into early morning jogs around campus. I took my first this evening...I know understand WHY he took them. Sometimes you have to run so far and so long...that you can't think anymore, and there's just you and the sound of your own feet and comforting darkness. Sometimes you have to do this for a couple hours...and you have to not care where you're running to, you just have to go run and let it all go. Run until you can hardly walk...and somehow...God will show you the way home safely. I made it back...and I felt...better...then...I went to floor 15 and heard the Lincoln Idol, at first it was just a mind dulling experience...something to ease the remaining pain...then...my favorite song...in the whole, whole wide world...Cat sang it...and she did it...perfectly...I cried (could have been the benedryl). It was so beautiful. "Winter" (Tales Of A Librarian) Snow can wait I forgot my mittens Wipe my nose Get my new boots on I get a little warm in my heart When I think of winter I put my hand in my father's glove I run off Where the drifts get deeper Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown I hear a voice "Your must learn to stand up for yourself Cause I can't always be around" He says When you gonna make up your mind When you gonna love you as much as I do When you gonna make up your mind Cause things are gonna change so fast All the white horses are still in bed I tell you that I'll always want you near You say that things change my dear Boys get discovered as winter melts Flowers competing for the sun Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace But I only can see the myself Skating around the truth who I am But I know dad the ice is getting thin When you gonna make up your mind When you gonna love you as much as I do When you gonna make up your mind Cause things are gonna change so fast All the white horses are still in bed I tell you that I'll always want you near You say that things change my dear Hair is grey And the fires are burning So many dreams On the shelf You say I wanted you to be proud of me I always wanted that myself He says When you gonna make up your mind When you gonna love you as much as I do When you gonna make up your mind Cause things are gonna change so fast All the white horses have gone ahead I tell you that I'll always want you near You say that things change My dear Before this, Brook sang to Matt.....Valentine...OMG I cried then too....it was PRICELESS. There were some beautiful things going on here...and I just couldn't help but let all the negativity and frustration slip away. I mean, really...what can I possibly complain about? Lana...that post was for you. I less than three you very much. Baby...I apologize for being so...hateful lately...I'm sorry...I love you. Searching For on 2/13/2005 12:43:00 AM.
2.09.2005 Seriously...my life...so blessed.
I have a wonderful roommate, who is more like a sister I have a wonderful brother and sister I have wonderful parents (I mean my MOTHER...and my DADDY...gosh) I have wonderful friends Heck, I even have a WONDERFUL ex-boyfriend (and by ex-boyfriend I mean Nate, kids) who would STILL beat up guys who treat me wrong and still can bantar me in the gutter (oh don't you worry...it's a give and take relationship kids, I can dish out from the gutter with bestest of them). I have been blessed with intelligence and a pure love of athletics. My faith is...huge. AND, I do believe I've finally found the l o v e of my life. And I'm not playing kids...I've broken all my rules...every single tiny weeny last one of em. And I just don't CARE. To keep me in 2 weekends in a row (and I have ALCOHOL in my fridge, the good kind kids). To horribly deprive me of sleep and STILL put me in a better mood than I've seen in...well in a long time. To give me that everything is wonderful feeling right before I go to bed, you know that one that makes you feel that if you get any happier your heart will jump out of your chest? I will admit that's fast...I will admit that it breaks ALL my rules...but...sometimes...you just...have to feel...and you just know...and I think that's okay. There will be struggle and turmoil and fights and disagreements...but I wanna stick this one out...through thick, thin and everything else inbetween. The truth? In my heart I can honestly say that I love him...and honestly, I don't know anyone I'd rather spend the rest of my lifetime with more (except maybe Lana or Rachel...haha). I love you baby. Thanks for showing me that the world isn't all bad and what love is all about. You're my dreams. Ev'rybody's looking for that something One thing that makes it all complete You'll find it in strange places Places you never knew it could be So, impossible as it may seem You've got to fight for every dream 'Cause who's to know Which one you let go Would have made you complete? Well, for me, it's waking up beside you To watch the sun rise on your face To know that I can say I love you At any given time or place It's little things that only I know Those are the things that make you mine And it's like flying without wings 'Cause you're my special thing I'm flying without wings And you're the place my life begins And you'll be where it ends I'm flying without wings And that's the joy you bring I'm flying without wings Searching For on 2/09/2005 02:43:00 AM.
2.08.2005 I am the l u c k i e s t girl in the world Searching For on 2/08/2005 04:45:00 AM.
2.07.2005 Boy with brain smaller than that of snail...
RawRanator: ok ... so let me get this straight RawRanator: i was a problem RawRanator: and to get rid of me u burned the house down rather than finding the proble RawRanator: lol RawRanator: if thats the case ur a coward RawRanator: and ur gonna keep running from your problems RawRanator: and they are gonna keep getting wrose RawRanator: and ur gonna hate ur self even more RawRanator: so w/e RawRanator: have fun in life RawRanator: and if you ever want to talk to me again i will be here, which i doubt it thou cause ur being retarded RawRanator: have fun Can we laugh at this? Yes. Very very hard...and very very long...something he would nothing about. haha...sorry God...be with the starving pygmies. Thank goodness I have been blessed with much much better...I'd say perfect...but well...he IS a Republican. (haha, you know that I love you baby). And well...guess who's meeting my PARENTS?! lol as Jeanners says....if you're gonna break all your rules...you may as well break every last one of them... I am so blessed.... Sometimes I sit on my front porch swing Just soakin' up the day I think to myself, I think to myself This world is a beautiful place I have been blessed And I feel like I've found my way I thank God for all I've been given At the end of every day I have been blessed With so much more than I deserve To be here with the ones that love me To love them so much it hurts I have been blessed Across a crowded room I know you know what I'm thinkin' By the way I look at you And when we're lying in the quiet And no words have to be said I think to myself, I think to myself This love is a beautiful gift I have been blessed And I feel like I've found my way I thank God for all I've been given At the end of every day I have been blessed With so much more than I deserve To be here with the ones that love me To love them so much it hurts I have been blessed Searching For on 2/07/2005 11:13:00 PM.
oh wow...beautiful....beautiful....
"I will be here When you feel like being quiet When you need to speak your mind I will listen And I will be here When the laughter turns to cryin' Through the winning, losing and trying We'll be together I will be here Tomorrow morning, if you wake up And the future is unclear I will be here Just as sure as seasons were made for change Our lifetimes were made for these years So I will be here" ~SCC~ Searching For on 2/07/2005 02:07:00 AM.
2.06.2005 I live....a most wonderful life. God has blessed me with so many things...
I had a such a great time with Phil & Jenny tonight and their friends. I really am blessed with such agreat family....I have so much love. I am so loved and I love them so much. It's just such a wonderful and blessed thing. Just when I thought there was no hope for the male species....when I thought the door and window both had been slammed shut...::sighs:: life throws you curves...but sometimes.......gosh sometimes it's just so good...you're so happy...he makes you so happy...and you wonder....if you could possibly be any happier...and you realize you couldn't be...and finally breathe the breath you've been holding your whole life. You're finally ready to share your life, you're ready...and it's....it's just so incredibly wonderful that it's undescribable. I wish I could feel this way forever..... Searching For on 2/06/2005 04:38:00 AM.
2.04.2005 so.....beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, day. Okay not really, I was sleepy...but I had a nice nap...I really didn't prepare too much for my presentions but..enough. But you see...there is a beautiful person in my life...and that makes me so happy. When was the last time I was up until 4 in the morning not against my will....repeatedly? Not in a realllllllly long time. Can we say happy girl? We can.
The moron called today...apparently there is something confusing about I don't ever want to see you again...because this is confusing...RIGHTTTTTT. Moron! Out, OUT, OUT DAMN SPOT! anyway.... I wana give back what you've givin' to me And I wanna witness all of your dreams Now that you've shown me who I really am I wanna be more then just a man I wanna be the wind that fills your sails And be the hand that lifts your veil And be the moon that moves your tide The sun coming up in your eyes Be the wheels that never rust And be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more, I wanna be your everything... When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see And when it gets dark you can reach out to me I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost Searching For on 2/04/2005 01:37:00 AM.
2.03.2005 So I feel like I'm "boy jumping" but I had a discussion with God last night about it and I decided...this is all in the plan. You had to deal with shit to remember what sacrifices you will make for greatness, never perfection. Looking for perfection if foolish...of course it's ALWAYS perfect in the beginning...I always say...talk to me after our first fight....then after our first year...then I'll tell you...how I feel...if I'm in love...if it's the long haul...and how happy I am...if you can love me...and I can love you...when we're at our worst...then I will tell you...that it's true love...and that when we fight...it doesn't mean it's over...
::sighs:: God blesses me sometimes with so many wonderful things...I'm so lucky, I don't know how I could think otherwise... quote of the day: "God like, yeah, he RULES!" (haha...dinner...you HAD to be there) oh and if our first fight occurs in the first month...um...I foresee...NOT SOMETHING I WANNA DEAL WITH. Just thought I'd share...love you all Searching For on 2/03/2005 01:16:00 AM.
"The sweetest thing that you'll ever see in the whole wide world
is that happy girl" All over.....breathes.... Beautiful life... Beautiful new boy... ::smiles & winks:: Searching For on 2/03/2005 01:11:00 AM.
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