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12.31.2004 What to say, what to say? Nothing...sometimes it's best to say nothing at all right?
HAPPY NEW YEAR'S ALL!!!! Much love and fun and safety to all I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child When one restless summer we found love growing wild On the banks of the river on a well beaten path Funny how those memories they last Like strawberry wine and seventeen The hot July moon saw everything My first taste of love oh bittersweet Green on the vine Like strawberry wine Searching For on 12/31/2004 07:44:00 PM.
12.30.2004 So here I sit with what my doctor thinks is an ugly strain of mono, but it won't be known until MONDAY (the day I'll be heading off to classes) GREAT. CAN'T WAIT. And the better news? With my permantely crap immune system it'll take me longer than the average person. However, there is still hope that it's just a really really really ugly virus. I like hope. Bah HUMBUG.
Anyway. Vacation has been brillant with my family, although I sleep a lot and when I try to ignore sleeping, my head pounds ridiculously and I get nauseus (wrong sp). Beautiful vacation eh? No but seriously vacation has been relaxing and wonderful. I had to cut down my workout to 1.5 hours and 3 miles...my bofy pretty much refuses to do any more, but that's okay. I bought this fabulous skirt with Lana that will go perfectly with my knee high boots. My mom bought me the greatest clothes for Christmas, great books, great family time, except I kept going to bed before everyone else and sometimes the after dinner conversation just about killed me with the ringing in my head. But it's all good I tell you...it's all good... lol okay it could have been better...could have seen a couple more people...but it happens and they can always come visit! (that was a horrid attempt at wishing...but with mono I can't be kissing any boys anyway so I may as well stamp a big ol' "I'M NO FUN" stamp on my head. Hope somebody cuddles with me when they have no chance of getting any... Searching For on 12/30/2004 08:03:00 PM.
Clarisse is...sick.
Clarisse is thrilled that Miss Marlena Christine Owen has graced her with her presence. Clarisse is not thrilled with being sick. Enough of this 3rd person crap. I'm sick, I haven't even slept with my cousin since she's been here and I've been a complete and total drag after about 5 o'clock. I can't keep my eyes open past ten and I get nauseous after 7....I'm sure she loves being here with me, lol. I'm going to the doctor's today at 3...I don't like this doctor and I'm requesting that one of my parents go with me, at least they agreed (mostly b/c it's highly likely that they are going to draw blood and I'm always woozy after that). I've never felt like this in my life, I've never been so exhausted and I've never had such headaches. I can't even begin to guess what ails me. Mom has suggested mono...my quarter starts Monday, I'm praying that it's just that I'm anemic or something like that...that would make me feel much better. Anyway, enough of me being a complete and total drag.... Searching For on 12/30/2004 09:11:00 AM.
12.26.2004 Tonight The Heartache's On Me, On Me
Let's Drink A Toast To The Fool Who Couldn't See Bartender Pour The Wine, 'Cause The Hurtin's All Mine Tonight The Heartache's On Me Searching For on 12/26/2004 07:21:00 AM.
M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S A L L!!!!!!!!!!! Searching For on 12/26/2004 03:34:00 AM.
12.25.2004 Jeanne would appreciate this...
Your dilemma for the next few weeks will involve finding balance between moving forward and retreating. You may not have to actually do either, but there can be some stress as you feel inspired to move in a new direction while circumstances hold you quiet on the emotional front. MERRY CHRISTMAS all!!!!!!! We had Christmas Wednesday at my house. My mother did an outstanding job of playing Santa this year. My poor brother and sister's electricity is still off, but they are heading to dayton today, I'm praying their journey is safe. Lana is delayed as well because of the storm. We in NE Ohio are confused. We've had...um rain. We've had flooding rain. But yet...rain. It currently is not a white Christmas. For the first year we're not going to my other grandma's for Christmas and we have nothing to open so after Phil & Jenny leave...we've got nothing. lol. We're going over to Grandma's, I'd love to play cards with Grandpa...that's what I'm hoping for. My mom seriously bought the coolest things for Christmas, particurarly this quote inspiration quote book. It's glorious. Searching For on 12/25/2004 08:04:00 AM.
This song...is absolutely hilarious, I was trying to only post parts of songs...but this is just too good...this is Christmas on dad's side of the family almost perfectly (I know, I know sad...can't choose your relatives)
Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk At our Christmas party We were drinkin' champagne punch And homemade eggnog Little sister brought her new boyfriend He was a Mexican We didn't know what to think of him 'Til he sang Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Brother Ken brought his kids with him The three from his first wife Lynn And the two identical twins From his second wife MaryNell Of course he brought his new wife Kaye Who talks all about AA Chain smokin' while the stereo plays Noel, Noel, The first Noel Carve the turkey turn the ball game on Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store We need some ice and an extension cord A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite A box of tampons and some Marlboro Lights Hallelujah everybody say cheese Merry Christmas from the family Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen I can't remember how I'm kin to them But when they tried to plug their motorhome in They blew our Christmas lights Cousin David knew just what went wrong So we all waited on our front lawn He threw the breaker and the lights came on And we sang Silent Night Oh Silent Night Carve the turkey turn the ball game on Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store We need some ice and an extension cord A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite A box of tampons and some Marlboro Lights Hallelujah everybody say cheese Merry Christmas from the family Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on Make Bloody Marys cause we all want one Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go We need some celery and a can of fake snow A bag of lemons and some Dite Sprite A box of tampons and some Salem Lights Hallelujah everybody say cheese Merry Christmas from the family Feliz Navidad Searching For on 12/25/2004 02:09:00 AM.
12.23.2004 I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight You can't really smile until you've shed some tears I could die today or I might live on for years I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic, Awful, beautful life Searching For on 12/23/2004 07:05:00 AM.
12.22.2004 Let the insane countdowns begin...
2 days until Christmas Eve 3 days until Christmas 4 days until LANA 9 days until New Year's in Pittsburg! 12 days until we return to OSU Searching For on 12/22/2004 10:04:00 PM.
Ever have something slowly leave from you,something that you had carried with you for a few years, so slowly that you hardly notice until it's gone and then...you're not saddened that it's gone? I believe I'll put more faith in the fact that time heals all wounds. ::laughs:: My heart has healed, I can now only look back with fondness, but the more important part is my looking ahead, I'm finally ready to truly embrace a future with someone else (and ::gasps!:: I have no one in mind to temporarily tear my attention away from my bleeding heart). Make sure you're sitting when you read this (as though people stand on their hands when they're on their computers) I do not long for him, I no longer dream of him and he is indeed a truly faded memory, a good memory, but alas, a memory. I am ::gasp:: happy enough to be single without any physical ties to him. I am not happy to be single for the rest of my life, but for now it shall do. And now can I tell you what kind of person I want to end up with...sure...one that loves me as much as I love him.
It's funny now, to look back at the "beautiful diaster" of our...whatever. Now I can laugh without crying and laugh without blushing. I've never been content with this idea in my life and I've never said I don't love him and I don't want him without lying my ass off...until now. I think there is a lesson to be learned from this mess...but I know not what it is...yet. It's odd to feel so...calm...about being single and quite happily single (you know the kind of single where you when some asked you, you say "single" without another word or dragged out explanation). Closure is the wrong word for this...whatever...this..whatever... feels more like a God given Grace than anything else. It's truly wonderful. I've also decided that Kevin is pure pond scum as well...okay okay that's not NICE, I'm sure eventually he'll make some extremist CoC girl very happy. Other than that, I'm keeping my options open, very open (it's so WEIRD to THINK like this, I can't tell you the last time I THOUGHT like this, I might have said and been lying my tail off, but I haven't truly THOUGHT this way for quite some time). It's also odd to have a strange sense of confidence. Thinking of myself as being a beautiful, interesting, talented and intelligent woman (also weird to think that I'm a woman..but I'm almost 20...). Confidence differs from cockiness and egosticalness (which isn't a word) btw, but that is a completely different argument. I won't settle, I'll find my fated match eventually, or perhaps I already have and the right pieces have yet to fall, only God knows these things. I was talking to Blake earlier discussing this and that...and I've decided that college has made me a "free spirit" and you know what...it's nice leaving all the OCD behind and living life as it comes for once. So that's my internal reflection for now...I'm now Clarisse, the free-spirited wonderfully elegible bachlorette. Searching For on 12/22/2004 06:02:00 AM.
Found my red dress and I'm gonna throw it on
'Bout to get too far gone Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition Need a little bit more of my tweleve ounce nutrition One more helpin' of what I've been havin' I'm takin' my turn on the sin wagon On a mission to make something happen Feel like Delilah lookin' for Samson Do a little mattress dancin' That's right I said mattress dancin' When it's my turn to march up to old glory I'm gonna have one hell of a story That's if he forgives me Oh, lord please forgive me Searching For on 12/22/2004 01:06:00 AM.
12.21.2004 [Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage For fate to turn the light on Your life, little girl, is an empty page That men will want to write on [Liesl:] To write on [Rolf:] You are sixteen going on seventeen Baby, it's time to think Better beware, be canny and careful Baby, you're on the brink You are sixteen going on seventeen Fellows will fall in line Eager young lads and rogues and cads Will offer you food and wine Totally unprepared are you To face a world of men Timid and shy and scared are you Of things beyond your ken You need someone older an wiser Telling you what to do I am seventeen going on eighteen I'll take care of you [Liesl:] I am sixteen going on seventeen I know that I'm naive Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet And willingly I believe I am sixteen going on seventeen Innocent as a rose Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies What do I know of those Totally unprepared am I To face a world of men Timid and shy and scared am I Of things beyond my ken I need someone older and wiser Telling me what to do You are seventeen going on eighteen I'll depend on you Searching For on 12/21/2004 06:55:00 PM.
All she ever wanted was someone to hold her through the night
Remind her that everything would be alright Quiet all her fears Lead her through the years And grow old with her All she ever wanted was for someone to love her Someone to comfort her when the nightmares reigned down Someone to talk to when the insomnia stole her peaceful slumber Someone to take her hand away from the bottle when she shouldn't have been drinking Someone to take her finger away from her throat Someone to still love her when her tears were violent, her hatred, harsh and her despair, utter Someone to love her when she wasn't sure that she loved herself Someone to tell her that she was more than just physically beautiful Someone to love her mind as much as her body All she ever wanted was for someone to love her Someone to tell all her wildest dreams to and not be laughed at or told they were impossible To listen to that same someone's wildest dreams and think they were wonderful Someone who believed passionately in his dreams and beliefs Someone who didn't get horribly annoyed when she was hyper Someone to get childishly hyper with Someone to be irrational with Someone to be rational with Someone to chase her down the hall in a tickle fight, even when they were 80 Someone to hold her hand and play with her hair before he kissed her lips Someone who laughed quickly and cried when he wanted to Someone to kiss her tears away Someone to make her happy Someone to make happy Someone to argue with Someone to make-up with Someone to make-out with and giggle like teenagers about it Someone reliable Someone spontaneous Someone that didn't always let her win Someone to cuddle with on cold days Someone to cool off with on the too hot days Someone to wine, dine and romance her without expecting her to give the one thing she couldn't easily give in return because it had been taken from her without her consent so long before Someone who would take that one thing without question when she did give it Someone to have and raise her children with Someone who'd never ever leave her Someone she'd give her own soul to in return for his All she ever wanted was for someone to truly love her... But it was too much to ask Searching For on 12/21/2004 05:54:00 AM.
12.20.2004 I have been on the oddest cleaning streak of my life lately and yet I still have no idea what inspired it. Daddy says it's my ADD but I beg to differ. Anyway, I was up until 6am this morning cleaning the usual rooms (I'm a little concerned...the rooms shouldn't have been as dirty as they were unless no one had cleaned them since I had last cleaned them...before I left for college in the FALL...my mom is normally OCD about cleaning). I have to admit I felt a little weird cleaning all 3 tiled floors by hand at 4am. The bathrooms...my father somehow managed to EXPLODE the new blue towels EVERYWHERE, on the WALLS, on the MIRROR on the WINDOW...I was so confused about what happened, I contemplated if one of the towels caught on fire or something. But I cleaned both bathrooms (remember the first time you cleaned the bathroom and you were gloves...right...now you only do if you got your nails done..or you're at college...), I got the kitchen to sparkle and living room is starting to look like C H R I S T M A S. Oh goodness, I almost forgot that I cleaned the den...it took hours...daddy has moved the lab upstairs...my mother wants to kill him...and I almost don't blame her. When/if I have a house when/if I grow up I will have an empty room that is carpeted and painted. If anyone tries to put anything in it, they will have to deal with my wrath. There is something wonderful about an empty clean room. I also did the dining room. Today mama and I tackled the closet in my daddy's room...and came out with about 10 pages of trash...it was insane, so much stuff. But I also saw a ton of pictures of my PARENTS...my mom's wedding album...she was sooo pretty and so HAPPY ::sighs:: weddings are great things, so many pictures (::BIG sigh:: we have to get picture albums together...I'd rather push it off on my mom but she'll never do it..) We also killed the hall closet in which I got to get rid of products I don't think have ever been used in my lifetime. Then I tackled the laundry room myself, I mean okay so the room's not FINISHED, but at least it can be CLEAN. It took awhile, plus there was an insane amount of cob webs and dust, defintely not something my mom needs to be cleaning, I've decided the fact there this is an insane amount of dust everywhere in this house probably does not help my mom being sick.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to tackle the China closet and the "finished" side of the basement, it'd be awfully helpful if my brother were here but...one can't be so picky. I also have to run errands tommorrow yeach... I'm getting a little frustrated with my overly helpful family on my attached life. They are coming concerned because I haven't ever had a serious boyfriend...I think they're afraid I'm a lesbian. Just for the record, I'm not a lesbian. Perhaps I set my standards too high on not wanting to date someone who tells me I'm beautiful before he tells me that he likes talking to me (or anything that doesn't have to do with my physical appearance). I dunno, I'm just not ready to date an asshole just because. Guys have been wanting to get into my pants since 6th fucking grade...it annoys me more than anything unless I've had a few drinks. I always feel like I've been slapped. Just once I wish someone would go a little slow, show a little romance...I'd melt so quickly it wouldn't even be funny. I'm just frustrated with everyone telling me "well you know you ARE getting older" right...as though I didn't know that I'm almost 20 and still very very single...thanks a lot...thanks...so much for clarifying that for me. I wonder if girls settle sometimes...I don't want to settle, I don't demand perfection, I do demand that you actually give a damn about me however...maybe that's too much to ask. Sometimes I just don't know, but I'd rather die than end up alone... Searching For on 12/20/2004 11:36:00 PM.
12.19.2004 Desperately trying to get into the Christmas spirit...and a normal sleep schedule...and a normal life at home...
1. What is a fond holiday tradition from your childhood? Christmas Eve at Grandma's/Aunt Mil's...there is nothing better...and midnight mass of course 2. If you could start a new holiday tradition, what would it be? Everyone would have to do something nice for another and the holiday spirit will easily be felt. 3. What is your favorite Christmas song and who sings it? Oh come, Oh come Emmanuel...everyone sings it...but my favorite was singing it my junior years while processing in those ridiculous yet so amazing Renaissance costumes and candles 4. Is there a certain event, food, television program, etc. that makes your Christmastime complete? haha, Christmas Vacation & Garfield's Christmas...but mostly the former... (Well Clark...;-} Lana) 5. Does is traditionally snow where you live at Christmastime? If not, do you wish that it did? Yes...and I sure hope it does.... Searching For on 12/19/2004 02:12:00 AM.
12.18.2004 I'm in a James Taylor and Joni Mitchell kick...but you'd never know by what I post...
The question every woman asks... God, I feel like hell tonight Tears of rage I cannot fight I'd be the last to help you understand Are you strong enough to be my man? Nothing's true and nothing's right So let me be alone tonight Cause you can't change the way I am Are you strong enough to be my man? Lie to me I promise I'll believe Lie to me But please don't leave I have a face I cannot show I make the rules up as I go It's try and love me if you can Are you strong enough to be my man? When I've shown you that I just don't care When I'm throwing punches in the air When I'm broken down and I can't stand Will you be strong enough to be my man? Lie to me I promise I'll believe Lie to me But please don't leave Searching For on 12/18/2004 04:17:00 AM.
We all know that I adore sappy, sappy love songs.....
Your Everything The first time I looked in your eyes I knew That I would do anything for you The first time you touched my face I felt Like I've never felt with anyone else I wana give back what you've givin' to me And I wanna witness all of your dreams Now that you've shown me who I really am I wanna be more then just a man I wanna be the wind that fills your sails And be the hand that lifts your veil And be the moon that moves your tide The sun coming up in your eyes Be the wheels that never rust And be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more, I wanna be your everything... When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see And when it gets dark you can reach out to me I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost I wanna be the wind that fills your sails And be the hand that lifts your veil And be the moon that moves your tide The sun coming up in your eyes Be the wheels that never rust And be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more, I wanna be your everything... I'll be the wheels that never rust And be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more, I wanna be your everything... I wanna be your everything ~Keith Urban~ Searching For on 12/18/2004 02:15:00 AM.
Tonight...began with horrid bar hopping and ended with yet another most wonderful conversation with my best friend. Life is right again, life makes sense again. It takes a best friend to listen...to understand...and to relate...to laugh..and to give you the courage to go on and finally let your head believe what your heart has been telling you forever...I love you Rach and couldn't live with you, thanks for being an angel. Searching For on 12/18/2004 02:07:00 AM.
12.17.2004 Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball *damien.r* So my beautiful cousin Lana got herself into an accident and my mother had me scared to death, making me a watch and not telling me what I needed to know, which was if she was alright. I'm relieved to report that she is doing alright, although I hear her car has been damaged. I love you honey and I'll keep you in my prayers, but I'm glad that you're alright, so glad. I love you Lana Searching For on 12/17/2004 03:57:00 PM.
Why?
Why if it is wrong does it feel so right? Why do we keep trying? Why do I long for his touch and crave his kisses? Why when I kiss someone else, does every inch of my being wish it were him? Why do I wake up with his name upon my lips, and why is he the last notion to pass through my sleepy mind? Why do I still pray daily for a resolution of any kind when I know in my heart…I wish love to spring from it? Why can I easily imagine the rest of my life with him, as easily as I can draw a breathe, and yet thinking of life without him, takes my breathe away (and not in a good way) and makes me feel like crawling into my grave now and saving myself the trouble of a different life a completely different life. Of course part of me wonders… if perhaps that wouldn’t be better… a completely different life without him If it is right; Why does it never seem to work out? Why am I going to college so far away? Why can’t it work out? Why can’t we just be honest with each other? Why do we hurt each other? Why must we play such stupid games? Why can’t we let the past go? Why can’t we find somebody new? Why can’t I be satisfied with the new guys I meet? Why do I compare all other guys to him, and why do they seem to never measure up? Will someone else ever “measure up” or will I “settle?” I don’t want to settle, there must be more life out there… How come every time I convince myself of that, I end up despising my new date and reminiscing on old (good) times and when this new fascination kisses me, I’ll resort to remembering even bad times because they had to be better than this new horror. Perhaps I’m just too lazy to learn somebody new And it’s true that there is comfort in what you know and trust. None of this makes a lick of sense… In the end I most want to know Why can’t I call him for a simple… date…? Why am I afraid of what will come of it? Or am I more afraid of what won’t come of it? Why don’t I even want to date him anymore; Yet still yearn for his touch and warm embrace for his kiss...for his understanding? Why can’t it just all fall into place? How long must a girl pray before she receives a definite yes or no answer? Why can’t it all just be black and white? Why can’t it just make perfect sense? How soon will I let myself love again, so that he’ll become a faded memory. In the end, I just want both of us to be happy. Whether together or apart, just that we could figure it out… We need to meet new loves… Perhaps I should pray for that instead…. Searching For on 12/17/2004 03:52:00 AM.
So I went Christmas shopping with my mom tonight. There was one point where I almost lost it with her, but she backed off and was really really sweet about everything. I'm so frustrated with her though, I have prayed and prayed for resolution. My mother is not at peace and I wish she could just look to the Lord and let Him guide her. Call me selfish, but I want my mother back the who loves to laugh all the time and doesn't constantly call me fat and insult me and hurt my feelings. ANYWAY, we did have a good time. I bought my brother colgne from Victoria's Secret (what he doesn't know...won't hurt him, besides it smells heavenly), I've given up on making my brother a preppy boy, but the boy needs to smell yummy for A-his wife and B-his job...and he of course will never settle on a scent nor buy anything himself. Jenny and Lana are ALWAYS fun to shop for. I bought Jenny a Sisters picture frame and I'm going to make dad take a picture of me and Jenny during Christmas time, so we'll look hot. I also bought her the sexy hair line from Victoria's (every girl loves pampering and she'd NEVER buy it for herself), one of the heavenly eye restores and a head massager. I got Rach the absolute cutest pink fleece pants and white shirt that she'll look adorable in. Oh and Lana I bought her...lol right. I bought my mom the Christmas TC CD ages ago and I'm buying her a half an hour full body massage, my dad is getting something my mom ordered...a tie or a shirt or something (computer stuff), Jeanne is getting the Mary Poppins DVD and awesome hot chocolate, she'd adore it, but she had best not buy it for herself! A few other small things, but that was basically it, but I was excited, I got everybody things they'll WANT and I got it done quickly, the only thing I still have to pick up is the thing for my mom, I have to call Aunt Mil and get the number and address of the place, I'm hoping to pick it up tomorrow...and mom and I are having a wrapping fest tommorrow as well, so it shall all be done and a week ahead of time too! I'm going to school in the morning to visit (gag..I don't know if I want to go or I'm dreading it) and then out with Diana for awhile (that I am definitely EXCITED about). And of course a late night jog...oh and I'm going to Aunt Mil's and Luke's party for awhile. I was thinking about going out with Nate, but I won't be in the mood after running around all day and getting up before noon...speaking of which I had best lift soon and grab a shower and get to bed...9:30 will come horribly early...hugs & kisses Searching For on 12/17/2004 01:53:00 AM.
12.16.2004 The Wrong Girl
You've got a great apartment and a real nice car The job you always wanted - you're gonna go far You've got everything you need in this world But you've got the wrong girl Everybody's looking cause she looks so hot You don't know it yet but I know what you've got Go ahead and give it a whirl But you've got the wrong girl If you're looking for love, you're looking too hard You can't see that what you need is right in your back yard You were blinded by diamonds and you missed a pearl Yeah you've got the wrong girl Does she like fishing, four wheeling in the woods Does she get her hands greasy up underneath the hood I'll bet she never listens to Merle Yeah you've got the wrong girl If you're looking for love, you're looking too hard You can't see that what you need is right in your back yard You were blinded by diamonds and you missed a pearl Yeah you've got the wrong girl Yeah you've got the wrong girl Yeah you've got the wrong girl You've got the wrong girl Yeah you've got the wrong girl Yeah you've got the wrong girlcs Searching For on 12/16/2004 02:33:00 AM.
12.15.2004 "Breakaway" I love this song....
Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I just stared out my window Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy I would pray (I would pray) Trying hard to reach out But when I'd try to speak out Felt like no one could hear me Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I pray (I would pray) I could breakaway [Chorus:] I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky I'll make a wish Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won't forget all the ones that I loved I'll take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Wanna feel the warm breeze Sleep under a palm tree Feel the rush of the ocean Get onboard a fast train Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will) And breakaway [Chorus] Buildings with a hundred floors Swinging around revolving doors Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but Gotta keep moving on, moving on Fly away, breakaway I'll spread my wings And I'll learn how to fly Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye I gotta take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness and into the sun But I won't forget the place I come from I gotta take a risk Take a chance Make a change And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway Searching For on 12/15/2004 11:45:00 PM.
"Because of physiological changes in certain hormone producing metabolic pathways during aerobic and anaerobic exercise, swimmers and rowers are the most sexually active athletes." Time Magazine
So I wonder things when I have nothing to do all day but run and workout and read and cook and things of the like (sometimes I feel like a disgrace to my sex being as though after being at college I don't mind the mindlessness of cleaning and cooking, I almost feel like it's my rightful place in the world...plus this house is a crazy mess...heaven knows what stage my mother is going through these days, but I sure wish she'd snap out of it and act like herself again, it's been way too long since she's been herself for any long period of time...and if she insinuates that I am fat one more time, she's going to get it...seriously...who tells their own daughter who has been known to have serious eating disorders that she's looking pudgy...especially when she definitely IS NOT and is definitely finally losing surgery weight from last year! I'm lighter and stronger...why even think to tell me I'm fat?). Anyway, back to the subject. Today while running and having an asthma attack and collapsing on the side of a more or less deserted road and deciding that this would be my end, I was either going to be run over or kidnapped and raped (although who would want me in the middle of long run...I mean...I smell, I have no make-up, I look a fright...very unappealing), I was wondering why people who LIKE to run must have EI asthma... I mean really it makes zero sense. Why not give it to people who HATE to run, it would be so much easier... I'll admit that after giving in to the initial attack and collapsing, as soon as I can feel some oxygen rushing back into my lungs and therefore my brain, I run an extra run through the attack just for spite before collapsing again and letting it run its course. So I run an extra mile...is this God's plan? I ponder..I also ponder why I must be in the .01% of the world that has the ADVERSE reaction to aburtol (sp?)...this is the drug that ALL asthma drugs in the past 20 years contain...for me it triggers attacks...so they resort to giving me a drug FROM BACK IN THE DAY that is HUGE and reacts with EVERYTHING, including my birth control and could ruin my liver...needless to say...I do not take this horse pill...instead whenever my bronchical tubes decide to constrict, I simply collapse and let the attack run its course. But truly...it wouldn't be so hard to just give this lovely disease to say...piano players? Oh for the record, I absolutely DESPISE ALL relationship/nonrelationship games. I'm trying to live my life of passion, doing everything with a passion, even cooking and cleaning, I'm TRYING. But I cannot play games...I just get upset and angry and frustrated and all I want to do is get all dressed up, go to dinner and for a walk under the stars followed by a little kissing and a little cuddling and a little loving...is that SOOO incredibly much to ask ? I'm getting better at being alone...it's almost comforting sometimes that I don't have to deal with another when I'm in the mood to curl up with a book or go for a two hour jog...I like not having to report to anyone about these things. I still feel the worst pangs at night though...you know when most humans with hearts want to be held tightly by another, the endless night can stretch out..well endlessly and your head...oh the things your mind will come up with until you're almost screaming at it TO JUST SHUT UP. ::sighs:: although I don't want to get married or have kids ANYTIME soon...my biological clock is still going...tick...tick...tick...it's tired of wandering through life alone...or with horrid guys at my side (see this is why you hope your first love is AWFUL, so everyone else is BETTER than he is...but when he's actually DECENT or even GOOD or WONDERFUL...then all the others LACK in comparision and you're stuck being unhappy until you find the exact right one...it's a cruel life I tell you, haha). I just need to meet a good guy so I can get Nate off my mind and he needs to meet a beautiful wonderful girl and then we'll both become distant memories and be very happy. Yes...this is what should come to pass...but dammit it should come to pass a little FASTER please...a girl ENJOYS being held and loved or even liked. It's gets old when your lusted after...guys that LUST after you...it just lacks after awhile. Quite frankly you just want to punch them in the face and scream, I'm NOT PRETTY SO LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'll NEVER WEAR MAKE-UP or HOT CLOTHES AGAIN AND I'LL STOP DRINKING AND WORKING OUT, START EATING PURE CHOCOLATE EVERYDAY, PUT ON A CHASTITY BELT AND BECOME A PRUDE...really, I know that sounds horribly bitchy and well...quite frankly self-centered and like I think I am the best thing since sliced bread, but really I don't, honestly I don't think I'm that pretty, so I don't understand WHY guys want to get into my pants 5 minutes after they've met me...but I really wish they'd stop sometimes...it's nice to be admired, but it's even nicer when someone gives a crap about you, when they hold you hand or massage your head or play with your hair BEFORE they decide to shove their tongue down your throat and their hand down your pants...or your hand down their pants, I mean really...would it be so hard to show a girl a little respect, to wine her and dine her before everything else? lol...I am RANTING. I apologize, but at least I was ranting with passion....Tis enough, I must go finish my workout and grab a loong hot shower...I put in 5.5 miles today (and two attacks)...I was IMPRESSED with myself ::brags:: Goodnight, love you all Searching For on 12/15/2004 10:51:00 PM.
The Story of My Life...haha
I May Hate Myself in the Morning Ain't it just like one of us to pick up the phone and call after a couple of drinks, And say: "How you been? I been wonderin' that maybe you've been thinkin' 'bout me." And somewhere in the conversation, an old familiar invitation always arrives, An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight. Everyone's known someone that they just can't help but want; And even though we just can't make it work out, well the want-to lingers on. So once again we wind up in each other's arms, pretending that it's right, An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight. I know it's wrong, but it ain't easy moving on. So why can't two friends remember the good times once again? Tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be feeling a little guilty, an' a little sad, Thinkin' how it used to be before everything went bad. An' I guess that's what it is, in lonely late night calls like this, that we try to find; An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight. I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight. Searching For on 12/15/2004 04:55:00 PM.
12.13.2004 Hatred and War..things I don't understand. Why men fight for things they don't believe in, why they fight for things they do believe in...why must it come to blows? How can one hate so much...how can people think that it is right to alienate others because they are different. Because people that are highest up think that it is necessary to fight...yet they do not fight alongside their decision. This bothers me.
My whole life I have felt that the founders of our country were heroic and wonderful...I still believe this. They fought for something they strongly believed in. But why WHY must it always come to blows? WHY can the issue of debate not be solved another way. Why must men and women die? Compromise...and even then I don't agree with myself...for somethings there is no compromise...so then must there be War? Is that the reason for War? I do not understand...how people can hate so much though...to hate someone else...just tears you up inside, no matter how brutal the crime...I do not understand...I try and I try and I try...but I do not understand. On the issue I stand a hypocrite because I feel like I cannot get all the information into my brain enough to look at it all and make sense of it all. Why must men and women die, why must their children and their loved ones suffer? On the whim of someone that does not fight along side of them...it doesn't make any sense. How can people hate so much as to kill others? How can they not accept...why so much hatred, so much EVIL? Life is not...that horrid...life is rough and tough and sometimes it throws one curve balls that you think are going to be the end of you...but they aren't...and sometimes what you didn't know you wanted all along was exactly what you needed...and sometimes what you've been looking for has been staring you in the face but you just didn't want to see it. But right and wrong...it is wrong to hate others because of their differences, it is wrong to kill others because of their differences (you can disagree with them and not endorse them...but to kill them over the issue...is not right). So many great people have died because matters could not be resolved, because of hatred and evil. It is wrong...I understand the world is not perfect and utopion...but how much longer must it go on...how many people have to die for a reason that's undercover? Fighting for what you believe in no matter what, that's a neccessary and beautiful thing...but we need to know what we believe in...what we're fighting for. I've always believed this (which is yet another contradiction to my dislike of war). That if WE do not fight for what we believe in, for our freedoms and our rights and our way of life...then we won't have to worry about having those freedoms and rights and way of life, because someone who will fight will take us over and take everything away from us... so we must fight to preserve our way of life (but are we doing that with the present war? are we? I don't know...I'm too ignorant of the subject...I need to become more educated on it)...is that right? Is it right to kill another to preserve your own way of life...how do you know which way of life is best? Obviously killing others for no reason is not a good way of life, but all that aside...how do you know...you cannot judge something until you truly understand it and you cannot truly understand it until you've lived it (this is the reason why I have to make my own stupid mistakes instead of listening to the rest of my friends and family and learning from their mistakes...) and we never take the time to truly understand...is that why wars start? I have too many questions and not enough answers this morning...I wish I knew the answers...I want to know the answers...I just wish I could get it all up in my brain at one time and truly think about it... Searching For on 12/13/2004 03:30:00 AM.
::ahhh...she sighs, she swoons...and she's happy:: So GET OFF OF HER CLOUD. lol. but seriously, it's great to be home...for so many reasons...
lol and so the game begins...more carefully this time...without anything attached, NOTHING...but I can't see I'm not extremely excited to see him...although I'll admit that I had a nightmare that I got married and had kids like NOW and I woke up throwing up, I was so sick from the idea. (gross I know, too many details)...so breathe friends, I want to get married and have kids...someday..not today.. But I'm still happy, so shoot me...a girl can't help liking a little "love" from a great guy she's already completely comfortable with in all ways possible... Searching For on 12/13/2004 01:13:00 AM.
12.11.2004 It's snowing! I love the snow as any beautiful, intelligent, Northern Ohio girl should. I adore the snow. Now all I need is a blanket, roaring fireplace, hot chocolate fresh from the stove...all curled up with the love of my life...::sighs:: perfection.
I had the most fabulous sleep last night...I got back from the girls about 1ish, read until about 2ish and fell asleep until about..2ish..gorgeous, simply gorgeous. Then I woke up and watched Arsenic and Old Lace. I absolutely LOVE this song...so sue me...but it's also perfection I said I wanna touch the earth I wanna break it in my hands I wanna grow something wild and unruly I wanna sleep on the hard ground In the comfort of your arms On a pillow of bluebonnets In a blanket made of stars Oh it sounds good to me I said Cowboy take me away Fly this girl as high as you can Into the wild blue Set me free oh I pray Closer to heaven above and Closer to you closer to you I wanna walk and not run I wanna skip and not fall I wanna look at the horizon And not see a building standing tall I wanna be the only one For miles and miles Except for maybe you And your simple smile Oh it sounds good to me Yes it sounds so good to me Cowboy take me away Fly this girl as high as you can Into the wild blue Set me free oh I pray Closer to heaven above and Closer to you closer to you I said I wanna touch the earth I wanna break it in my hands I wanna grow something wild and unruly Oh it sounds so good to me Cowboy take me away Fly this girl as high as you can Into the wild blue Set me free oh I pray Closer to heaven above and Closer to you closer to you Closer to you Cowboy take me away. Closer to you "The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender." So true when you're sober. It's so silly, but it takes me so much to want to kiss a boy. I've turned my head so many times in college and I know they think I'm silly and pruddish, but I believe this quote. It's hard to surrender something of yourself to someone you don't have feelings for. It's easier for me to say "I love you" than it is to kiss someone I don't want to surrender myself to. Words will always be words to me...but a kiss. (okay when I'm tipsy, I'll admit, I want to kiss anything that's male and my inhibitions are gone, but even then...my heart will uncloud the fog in my brain and I'll find it hard to surrender myself...in fact I still won't be able to). It's silly I know...old fashioned. And you'd think after Mike nothing could bother me...but in fact I reacted the opposite way. Everything became more special, required more reason. I'll admit wanting to sleep with only person after that. lol it's funny being home...I don't want a drink...I just want to be me...I even like being me. I think it's strange...to be me. Last night with the girls...we were in the car and all catching up on our lives...we were on the subject of our mistakes (which mostly had to do with boys). And then it was my turn and of course Mike was told, but not in detail AT ALL...just called a mistake and never doing that EVER AGAIN. I thought they'd leave me alone, but they wouldn't...I said nothing else had been of new interest, which was true because of the word new, but Carrie caught it, darn her. She knew...I just said it was hard to let go sometimes and it doesn't help when it seems you're both...I don't even know, I have no idea and I can't explain it. But...it's been too long. We need to move on...and neither of us do. I tell myself it's because we haven't the right other persons yet...but sometimes I wonder. But then I know in 10 years when I'm running around in my overalls chasing my toddler and laughing so hard I'm crying and my husband is crying...I'm going to look back and laugh so incredibly hard at this part of my life, I'm going to think that it's bloody hilarious. That's what I tell myself when reason starts to point me in the other direction. I'm horribly good at convincing myself at what I want to believe (too bad I'm good at playing my own devil's advocate as well, haha). Wow...I have babbled for quite enough now..lol...see what beautiful sleep and relaxation will do for you. I think I'm going to finish reading a book and then eventually go for a jog (indoors, I hate to jog in the snow, although I love snow) and lift some...this break will be good for putting in some serious miles. I love you all. Good luck on those remaining finals. "Blank Sheet Of Paper" I'm just a blank sheet of paper This fool's about to write you a letter To tell you that he's sorry For the way he did you wrong To ask for your forgiveness For leavin you alone He's been lookin down at me It seems like forever He takes the top on and off his pen It's like he can't decide What he wants to say If he'd just tell the truth I'd be on my way But he just stares at me And I just stare at him He don't know where to start To say he doesn't want it to end Now its one hour later And I'm still a blank sheet of paper The sunlight is comin through the curtains He's almost asleep pen in hand There's a tear in his eye That refuses to fall If it would land on me That would say it all But he just stares at me And I just stare at him He don't know where to start To say he doesn't want it to end Now it's four hours later And I'm still a blank sheet of paper Oh but he just stares at me And I just stare at him He don't know where to start To say he wants you back again One broken heart later And I'm still a blank sheet of paper ~Tim McGraw~ Searching For on 12/11/2004 03:37:00 PM.
Wow... it's WONDERFUL to be home! I had a night out with my girls tonight that I couldn't have dreamed of having back home. Blissful, simply blissful. I love my girls, but I had to come home and sleep in my own bed and just know that my parents are around and my kitties. We went and saw "Princess Diaries II" I cried so hard, I love those movies...lol it's hard being home though because it's easy to swing back into old habits... but it was fabulous. I love my girls so much and my family and my house...it's wonderful... Searching For on 12/11/2004 01:07:00 AM.
12.09.2004 This is going to be a ramble because I am bored. By all rights I shouldn't be bored. There I was in my bed watching "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days" (I DID NOT choose it, just for the record) with someone I enjoy much, but I dunno, there's just this...I love the movie okay, but I...I dunno. It's silly but it has meaning from forever ago and I just can't watch it with anyone else. I just cry or feel so sad...I mean I can hide it, I'm not a moron, but I just...hate it. It's so silly! I just...the first time I watched that movie I loved it, the second time I watched the movie, I loved the person I watched it with. But it shouldn't bother me anymore. ::sighs:: it's just one of my favorite memories I guess. It was just...I mean it was hell...but it was so great...and I often think...if things had been different...If I had been different...if he had been different...would it have worked? I know, I know. Yes I am over him, but I will never get over the way he could make me FEEL. Like I was the prettiest girl that had ever been born, so safe, so protected, so loved, even when he surely wasn't going to admit that he loved me. I had puppy love, I'll admit it. The intelligent part of me realizes and accepts the fact that we will never ever get it together and that we are horrid for each other. I also don't love him, but I do miss it. The good times, only the good times. yech.. I just know I don't want to go home, because at home, I know I'm going to remain single for 3 weeks and as much as I try to convince myself that independence is a good thing, I don't believe it, I think it's full of shit. I also know if I see him I'll wonder and I'll have missed him and I'll want to kiss him, and if I don't see him I'll be miserable and angry that I couldn't see him as my friend, I am not that weak. Don't ask me why if I don't love him one bit why I'd have this overwhelming urge to kiss him, I'm going to blame it on the fact that it's lust and I just like kissing him...that makes perfect sense, yep.
haha...silly me...this is ridiculous, absolutely ludicris... I'm going to bed... Back seat of her daddy's car I was tryin' not to go too far Kept thinkin' 'bout the words the preacher man said Lightning flashed across the sky I saw love in a young girl's eyes And that's a look you never forget Seventeen Only comes once in a lifetime Don't it just fly by wild and free Goin' anyway the wind blew baby Seventeen Livin' on crazy dreams Rock and roll and faded blue jeans And standin' on the edge of everything Seventeen ~Tim McGraw~ I walk a lonely road The only one I that have ever known Don't know were it goes I walk this empty street On the Boulevard of broken dreams And I'm the only one and I walk alone My shadows the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart is the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me Till then I'll walk alone Searching For on 12/09/2004 11:58:00 PM.
::heading home for the holidays tomorrow morning:: It's funny to be sad to be going home. I love home...do not get my wrong or confused. I LOVE HOME...but here has started to feel like home too...and SOME of your floormates and your suitemates...are like your family, you sleep with them, you watch TV with them, you drink with them, you workout with them, you do your laundry with them, your grocery shopping, you study, you scream, you cry, you sob,you go tanning with them, you eat with them, you clean with them...it's just odd to leave them and go back. You tell them everything and more (when you're drunk, lol). But you come to love them, I will miss them much...but...home is a good place...it's a boring place...but that's okay, sometimes it's good to be boring.
My first finals are over. I caught the highest grade on the psych exam and the highest final grade (just b/c I'm honors student in regular psych...shhh), Spanish we shall see and math...well..math wasn't the prettiest thing in the world, but you can't do better than your best you know... For all those still taking their finals... I love you and I wish much luck and as little stress as possible. Lana, I miss you and I can't wait to see you! Love you Everyone wonders but they doesn't ask, It's hard to see the pain behind the mask; Bearing the burdon of a secret storm, Sometimes she wishes she was never born; Through the wind and the rain, She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above; But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved. Searching For on 12/09/2004 02:38:00 PM.
12.06.2004 Closure is a beautiful thing...and realizing you finally have it and he's still grasping for it...almost makes you pity him. When you no longer hurt and you no longer wonder and in fact...they almost annoy you with certain habits and you can almost predict them by now. And you know...you're over him and you're sure this time (haha). And you're starting to like being single and you're liking your ability to flirt and not feel the least bit guilty. You're proud of your ability to say no, sorry, I don't want to have sex with you and when you realize that you have great best guy friends and no, you don't want to have sex with them either, you just love them, and that's okay. When you like taking your morning jogs and thinking about your life and being selfish...wondering what you're going to do with your life and seeing all your possibilities...finally realizing that you're beautiful, you're intelligent and you're fun, all on your own, because you're you. Realizing that you can go away from home and still love your family with everything you have. To know that your life is your own life and eventually...if someone comes along and wants to combine their life with yours...that's okay, but that you're not giving up any of your own dreams or your wonderfulness for anyone else's, because well...you deserve that selfish right. And someday...I am going to have beautiful children, many of them and they will fill my heart and my house with happiness and laughter and wonder and I am going to have a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent husband who loves me, with all my tiny little annoying things that I do and all my stupid questions (do ducks REALLY fly?, are you SURE?!), and he'll love me, because I'm me, not because I'm beautiful when I put on make up and black pants and curl my hair just right...but the one who loves me when I've gained 10 pounds from the first child and I've got my hair up and mess with mismatched socks and sweats and tshirt from high school when I'm chasing my baby around...and I'll love him too, when he comes in from fixing the car I've managed to break a thousand times with grease all over him and hair all a mess and a 5 day beard. For real love ladies is what I am going to "settle" for and nothing else. I want a husband that will argue with me when I'm wrong but not pick a fight for no reason or hate me because I want to do something in my life that isn't intelligent. Until then, I'll continue my search and work on my skills of kissing and finding those special places, so when I find him, I'll know these things. But until then...the single life is the life for me, going on 20 or not (OMG LANA you're going to be 20 in less than 2 months! WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!).
Well...I must study for finals....I love you all and good luck on everyone's finals...I have spanish at 6:30 tonight...pray for me Searching For on 12/06/2004 02:22:00 PM.
So I was having a worse day today just because. I took drugs to sleep last night was still restless and upset for yet no apparent reason. I'd had a horrid day studying and being grumpy and then Joe and I begin to go to church...during which he keeps asking me what's wrong because I have mascara in my eye and they're tearing and it's cold. We walk across the street. Out of my pocket falls my mental wallet into the gutter...it has my Buck ID, my license, my calling card and my Debit card... I know begin crying and I explain to Joe that this didn't just happening, this isn't happening to me and that it is not happening to me and that I can't lose that, I HAVE TO HAVE IT. I have now lost the last bit of sanity I had left on the way to church (how ironic) and now I really am crying and I still have mascara in my eye. After gum, tape and super glue...Joe saves my life and lays on the street and manages to reach it. I cry out in joy, hug him repeatedly and promise to name my children after him. We return the broom stick to the gas station and I'm still crying and I look a fright. We continue to church while Joe consoles me that it's over and I can stop crying now, it's okay, I have it, it's okay. We get to church in mid homily. I felt a little better. By the time we got back I was laughing at the stupidity and thanking God for Joe. I spent most of the rest of the evening in the boys room studying. They had a few beers, I declined. Eric went to Mirror Lake and I hung out with my lover Aaron and my life saver Joe. Aaron and I were complete goofballs...I haven't let myself out like that since Nate. I mean, complete mind in gutter and sitting in his lap and laughing so hard I'm almost crying. I was tickled, I was made fun of and low blows were made by all..and they were all hilarious. It was beautiful. I love Aaron, I'd never survive without him, but with him...I'll be okay. Thank God for his miracles and wonder and grace... and all you good little Catholic youngins, repeat after me...
"Hail and blessed be the hour and the moment , when the son of God was born of the most pure virgin Mary at midnight in bethlehem in piercing cold. At that hour vow safe oh my God, to hear my prayers and grant my desires through the merits of our savior Jesus Christ amen." repeat until Christmas. Love you all, beautiful dreams only. Searching For on 12/06/2004 01:59:00 AM.
12.05.2004 So I need to be studying, but I am having so much trouble studying these days. I have Spanish tomorrow night, pysch tuesday night and calc thursday night... I haven't even contemplated calc yet and I almost am incapable of doing so. My head aches, my stomach aches, my heart aches. I hate being in that depressed mode that no amount of jogging can get you out of. It's so annoying and being the intelligent person that I am, I realize that no amount of whining or feeling sorry for myself is going to make it better and that my problems are so insignificant in the scheme of things, it's not even funny. But it's that CLOUD that looms over your head that you can't run fast enough away from and it annoys me so much. I hate it...I hate it... Searching For on 12/05/2004 02:16:00 PM.
I apologize for my earlier rant...it's just...a floor of 47...5 gay guys...6 people that are bi...10+ with girlfriends......leaves the undesirables...and ..Jamie... and a very frustrated girl who is tired of being hit on by everyone when drunk or you know what ever sober because I am a great girl who helps everyone and their brothers out with anything I possibly can and I don't judge and I listen and DAMNIT I AM SO TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. grrrrrrrr. oh wait...wasn't I apologizing for ranting? darn....really...a few sleeping pills, a good night's sleep and some church tomorrow along with some silent finals studying should help my mood sufficiently...plus I won't be the slighest bit hungover. Plus a long run will just make it all better. Long runs are glorious and I thank God everyday that I am still able to take long runs. See life isn't so bad...it's good and great and glorious. I have a beautiful family, a great Searching For on 12/05/2004 02:14:00 AM.
I had a really crappy day and now I just feel like crap and I'm going to whine and moan and I'm sorry but. YECH. So I was supposed to go out with Kevin Friday and was stood up and you'd think I'd have gotten over it but instead I tried to drown my troubles in a bottle after I hadn't eaten anything all day. BAD IDEA. I ended up hanging out with Eric and his friends, not a bad thing and then karoking, also not a bad thing, but then just really getting sad and ended up falling asleep on Eric for a bit until I woke up and headed back to my bed. Tonight more of the same, minus the drinking. I'm just tired of nobody giving a damn. That's what makes you want to go home where people care about you. (Realize I'm in a bad mood, people do care here as well). I just HURT so badly sometimes (as all humans do) I just...I mean this might be horrible but I just wanted to be held and kissed this weekend by someone who wasn't a complete random someone. Just to sleep beside someone, I haven't been sleeping much and that's probably why I am as upset as I am. I'm stressed and when I'm stressed I dream bad things and I just get so down it drives me insane. I just wanted a little love, is that too much to ask. I know it's all so stupid, but I'm just so TIRED of being single and I almost don't know which way to run. I hate boys and then maybe again I don't, but I am hurting so much and I hate to hurt over stupid things like this. There are such worse problems in the world that I shouldn't be so upset but I am and it's SO STUPID. and finals are this week. ARGGGGGGG Searching For on 12/05/2004 01:45:00 AM.
12.02.2004 Okay so life just became INSANE. I have finals to study for and crazy exams BUT...I'm going out with Kevin on Friday (Rach we gotta talk) and Nate next week....ehhhehh. ::shakes head:: I did not plan this, this wasn't supposed to happen...but Kevin...he gets ONE chance, one and I DO NOT HAVE SEX without rings on my finger or long term commitment...seriously. Spell it with me now C O M M I T M E N T. but I'm having trouble...oh dear...bad very bad....situation...spell it with me now B A D. oh dear Searching For on 12/02/2004 02:14:00 AM.
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