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11.30.2004 I despise finals...and 3 of my suitemates are making life a little harder by their constant babble and shrieking and screeching. However, this has done wonders for my running life and honestly I feel better anyway. I started running at home instead of "working out" as I didn't have my Y membership until December 10th and we have such a beautiful treadmill. Now Jeanne and I run together and workout together in quite the beautiful workout. We want to run a half marathon before we graduate...lofty ideals, especially with Christmas right along the way, but I concentrate better AFTER running myself to death, feels more like...my normal life (ie playing 2 seasons of volleyball & track a year, plus off season weightlifting and conditioning). My brain functions better and I become less upset at my roommates who are majoring in TV watching, solitaire playing and doing absolutely NOTHING.
So I have no idea what I'm doing with the rest of my life...but I want 3-5 children, if I teach I want to teach in Kentucky...and I want a happy, happy family and ring on my finger by my junior/senior year in college (lol, now the man...hmm). lol, okay so I'm a pushover when it comes to certain things and I'll probably gived in the MOST of the whims of my future husband....maybe...who knows. Anyway..I gotta study some more psych and get to bed. I love you all. And I'm not spending New Years with my Lana...this makes me sad...but...such is life...the important part is that I get to see her...I hate New Year's back home though....no one's arms to spend it in, staring at the moon out in some place in the middle of nowhere...candlight or darkness...love instead of lust...::sighs:: I'm such a hopeless romantic (AFTER I return to myself and get out of that...ehh uhh...STAGE...shall we say...::shivers:: as Jeanne would say, "Let's not do THAT EVER again")...I wanna hopeless romantic too...an equally unexperienced hopeless romantic..these suave guys...yech...yech...and a smart one, but not one that drives me crazy with his intelligence...lol...::sighs:: here goes the biological clock of me...TICK...TICK...TICK...TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK....grrr Searching For on 11/30/2004 11:43:00 PM.
11.27.2004 Home for the holidays...and it's beautiful...in fact I have no desire to go back and take finals...isn't that just wonderful?
Had a magnificent shopping day with my mom on Friday from about 5am-12pm. Got a new wardrobe mostly sponored by the Gap and my mother. More conservative than my ususal school style. I think it comes from the clubbing incident last week and OH...college in general. I do believe that there is a reason for my bestest friends being gay and the other having a girlfriend (excluding my roommate of course). When cuddling with your gay best friend and watching a movie, you don't question when his hand is going to end up down your shirt or reach up and grab your chin to turn your head so they can kiss you (which is very very cute...when you're in a relationship with a guy...just for the record for the confused...CLARISSE (me) does NOT do one stands and she can't make out with a guy she doesn't have feelings for (and he must return them, it is not a one sided street my friends, that only ends in heartbreak...and I'm POSITIVE on that one, so...). lol, I think I've had enough of my "wild oats" so to speak. I'm rather sad that I had to experience them at the time when I did however...it was just really BAD timing. But I can see the reasoning as well, as now I am a HUGE believer in that everything has it's own place and time and reason. We learn from all things in life, although sometimes the lessons are quite difficult to learn or we decide to learn them the hard way. I've currently decided to become a young education teacher. That's my current decision, but I must speak to my honors advisor and everything. I'm debating about taking math next quarter. That 57 was a huge blow to my self confidence, esteem, etc. Plus I'm tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do. Did I mention that my volleyball team won the whole intermural tournament? Yes, my RA has been waiting for that honor for 3 years (for football mind you) and I knocked it off first quarter...it was a beautiful game...such a beautiful game. I fell out of love FINALLY (I know, you're all so excited) with he who must not be named. Now I realize that I am almost 20...and lacking a serious love interest...don't ask me if my biological clock is ticking...or what. but dammit I want the ring on my finger and that most important part of my life figured out. I know, I know FOOLS rush in...FOOLS. And I am a lot of things, but not a fool. Distance has been killing me recently, with family, with relationships. I need to find a way to minimize distance (oh dear heavens...calculus) and maximize my happiness. Love you Lana, you are my beautiful sister that I never had. I cannot wait to see you. I love you much. Searching For on 11/27/2004 10:56:00 PM.
11.24.2004 So...going home for Thanksgiving tomorrow...er later today. Have class in 6 hours and then driving for 3...I really should be asleep, but as ususal with trips...I cannot sleep. I did finish reading psychology so I don't have to lug that book home however, so that was good. I'm packed for the most part as well, also a good thing.
So I actually realized I'd be sad and miss Jeanne and Aaron and Mel and Eric and Sarah. I don't know what I'd do in life without Aaron and Jeanne too. I love Aaron so much, he's the best friend a girl can have. Tonight simply because I didn't want to sleep or read my psych he stayed up with me and we talked about...nothing. he also went with me to Market Place so I could get my chi tea. He's such a sweetheart and gift from God, I love him. I'm so excited about going home, but I am going to miss my roommate and Aaron tons. Lately I don't often go through the day without seeing Aaron. lol, okay enough bragging about my best friend in college, it's late and I need some sleep although I'm so excited I can hardly manage it. Love you all very much, especially you wana woo. Searching For on 11/24/2004 02:32:00 AM.
11.14.2004 My daddy has finally given in and told me that he will back me on any choice I make and that I am right, making money isn't everything in life. He's also told me that he wants me home and I that I can come home...this makes my life very confusing. But a girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do I guess...I just wish I knew what I had to do. It doesn't help that Eric and I spend a lot of time together (as friends, please don't get any ideas) and all he manages to do is make me miss people more. brrrrrr Searching For on 11/14/2004 03:40:00 PM.
11.12.2004 So today...I was coming home from grabbing some lunch with friends and it was storming and we hadn't brought umbrellas and all of a sudden I just wanted to stop and watch the damn storm, and it was so dark and I was standing there watching it and then BAM completely taken back to another time and place and I started laughing and crying all together. I remember how nervous I was but how...great that moment in my life was (the first kiss that actually took my breathe away...it was so cute, he was so suave about it) and how much I wish I had appreciated it as much as then as I did today. I wish I didn't miss things like that. Why is it then in hindsight...you ONLY remember the good times, but your heart still hurts from the not so good times. I'm torn and so confused. Sometimes it's easier to forget about it all and pretend it all never happened. But then...I'll be trying to have fun with another guy and I can think about is him. I mean I know you never forget your first love or whatever but there are times...you know maybe you could for a BIT. DAMMIT, I swore I was through, swore it. Why then, WHY must I miss him, it's so STUPID. We DON'T WORK, I KNOW this, I don't sit on the fence on that. So why...do I miss him? God help me I miss him. Damn him. (not literally) but...damn him. Searching For on 11/12/2004 01:56:00 AM.
Confusion rears it's ugly head again....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Jeanne and I have started the BAS club...actually she did, but meetings are held in our suite. It's so 3rd gradish..but it's the Boys Are Stupid Club...tired of everything having to be SOMETHING. GUYS ANALYZE MORE THAN GIRLS. Just b/c we want to cuddle with you DOES NOT MEAN we want/need/expect anything else. CRIMONY. Let it go...just let it go.... Searching For on 11/12/2004 01:12:00 AM.
11.11.2004 Well...my spanish oral exam was cancelled for tomorrow, so I officially have no class, I have some homework to do but oh well. It was a relief after all the midterms (praying for good grades on those still).
My heart is so confused right now. For the SECOND time ever in my life I'm being very truthful about me to another guy and I really...LIKE him. Only one other time in my life could I say that I've felt like this. I have to admit I feel so safe though, because he has a girlfriend and neither of us will cross that line (I'd rather die than break up a relationship and I'm horribly against cheating). But what we have now...is perfect for me. Enough so I have no urge to hook up with another random guy and yet not enough to leave me feeling heartbroken or upset at any given point. It's really great. It's refreshing to know that good guys are out there...really. But it also crushes me in other situations. Because it makes me want to give he who must not be named an ultimatimatim (sp?) and it makes me think more of myself. Before I used to love him with all my heart and I wouldn't have taken a second thought with loving him in anyway shape or form...but now...I do still love him, I won't say that I don't...but I'm just not willing to lay my heart out on the line again until he decides he doesn't want me anymore, I mean...I'm worth more than that...and even if I have to wait...I know have hope (thank God for Eric), I don't really want to wait forever to find the love of my life or at least a significant other for awhile...but...I just...I'm tired of getting hurt. The other night I was laying in bed and I realized this time I had my doubts about he who must not be named...and it wasn't that I still didn't love him...I just don't think it will be okay for him not to love me in return, that's no longer okay. Someone will love me eventually, someone will make me feel beautiful in sweats and no make up with my hair all a mess, someone will know although I pretend to hate being tickled...I think it's the cutest thing in the world and that spot on my collar bone between my neck and my well...collar bone makes me feel so wonderful. They're know that I'm always cold and that I love cute kisses instead of long drawn out ones and that I love to cuddle and I love letting his hands roam all around me, almost to prove that I am completely his and he can have me as he wants me (I like to explore myself of course). I want him to support my yearning to be a pre-school teacher and not tell me that "it's a waste of my God-given talents." I can be loved, I deserve to be loved. Eric and I are just good friends and I haven't been this truly happy in a long time. Maybe it's because it is safe and there's a line I'm tired of crossing. Why can't a guy realize that girls like to cuddle and be treated well and go to fancy dinner and laid back dinners and run errands and sleep (literally) with their boys without having sex and worrying about this and that. Damn it we want to feel beautiful in sweats and no make up and when we've gained 5 pounds we don't want to stay up late at night thinking about how to work it off so that you won't notice. Eric has complicated my life in some aspects but I'm happier for it...I think I'm just tired of...really of sex, of everythign related to sex recently. I still love passionate kissing and cuddling, but it's not ALL about sex. Sex is a gift two people can share WHEN THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. Not just something a girl gives away freely. And I do so wish I could say that I'm not the slightest bit jealous of Eric's girlfriend, but that would be lying. But I was dead serious...there is a line that I will not cross, no matter how much in the spur of the moment, I want to. But I'm glad tonight...we were both sober. It shows that we still both care. Oh but the line, the line my friends.... It's 5:30am and I'm ranting...off to bed with me.. Searching For on 11/11/2004 01:54:00 AM.
11.07.2004 I am so utterly and completely confused about my life. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with school, b/c my life...suddenly becomes more important. Sometimes I wish I could refocus...but sometimes...I just can't...life intrudes...and I have to deal with it...What's a girl to do? Gosh...I'm just so confused. I really wish I didn't have feelings for him, but I'm glad that I can squelsh them so that we can be friends that cuddle and not want anymore. No girlfriend deserves to be cheated on. But I don't even understand these feelings. I've only felt like this about one other guy, they're just completely different feelings. oh dear... Searching For on 11/07/2004 03:56:00 AM.
11.06.2004 So I thought I was confused before...try now...I find the one guy on campus who I would love to spend time with...and he has a girlfriend...I wish I didn't love spending time with him... Searching For on 11/06/2004 03:36:00 AM.
11.05.2004 I've been there, done it, humped around
After all that - this is what I found Nobody wants to be alone U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else I'm in a crazy confusion of life right now, but so it just about everyone else, I know. But I just...I can't even tell you what my mood IS. I'm just confused. I'm happy, I am very happy...but so confused. I thought I would hate, I thought I could hate and hold hatred in my heart with a passion (right or wrong), but I was mistaken. I just wonder is it worth it to jump in again, will it hurt this time? Or is this what I'm supposed to do? Is this the right thing to do? Don't think...I'm telling you...it's the wrong way to go... Searching For on 11/05/2004 04:44:00 PM.
I've posted this a gazillion times... I can't help it, I love it.
Slow Dance Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Do you run through each day On the fly? When you ask How are you? Do you hear the reply? When the day is done Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores Running through your head? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, Not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die Cause you never had time To call and say,"hi" You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The must forgotten Friday Five 1. What was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you? People say nice things often, but I always think that the nicest thing anyone can say is that they love you...but only when they mean it (and that makes me a hypocrite, b/c I say I love people all the time and don't mean it). 2. What was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you? People always say mean things when they're hurting 3. At times, lots of people never tell us what they are really thinking. Who is the one person that you would really like to know what they are thinking (as far as how they feel about you), and why? haha...oh dear...it's always the same, always the same 4. What was the nicest thing you have ever said to anyone? I don't know, ask them 5. What was the meanest thing you have ever said to anyone? I've said some really mean things when I'm hurting (that doesn't excuse it by any means) but I've said some really, really stupid stuff. Generally I regret when I get so frustrated or upset about something else that has nothing to do with the person I'm talking to and I just completely take it out on them. I've said some really horrible things when I've felt that I've been dealt an unfair hand in life too, I used to be good at telling people that their problems aren't anywhere near as bad as mine. wow that was a random blurb. Everybody has to learn sometime I guess. Searching For on 11/05/2004 04:22:00 PM.
11.04.2004 I am so....incredibly happy...and I received my first C this week...there is something very very wrong with me...but I am...so happy... Searching For on 11/04/2004 11:59:00 PM.
11.01.2004 So I'm back. And Jeanne and I have made FUN plans for the weekend, we're seeing a play, going to a really cool exhibit. I am SO EXCITED. haha and cute boy from math res..was on my floor today! ::wink, wink:: ahh, almost makes me feel less homesick and very intersted in nice mystery boy...I think tomorrow in math class in an appropriate time for a casual date, perhaps to study! ::wink, wink:: lol. This is why one must get away, so one can have a new day with new hope and new ideas. Home is good but...but a girl needs "wide open spaces" and I've already made the big mistake, so I'm moving on to "new faces" oh life is good sometimes. Oh and guess who got an 98/100 on her Spanish Middy #2...ME! ::does stupid little victory dance:: sorry...wasn't bragging...the first middy was much much uglier however. I love you all. Sweet dreams.
Good luck this week Lana...not that you'll need it, you know you're so smart (haha, if only we didn't have to study) love you very very much and if you came to see me you would MAKE my year, haha. I love you wana woo Searching For on 11/01/2004 10:00:00 PM.
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