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10.31.2004 I love being home. But it does make me want to do things I always wanted to when I come home. I'm taking a few things back with me to college, including a few things I thought I'd burn first or sell on Ebay. My mom made my head swirl a little this weekend. I have a feeling going through and cleaning my room...she found some things and confirmed her suspicions, but really...I don't mind her knowing, she's my mom. I'm spending my Christmas break home and working at the beloved CEC and the same for the summer. This may be a tiny little town full of stupid politcs and stupid people. But...there are a lot of people here that I care about...and I can't foresee me staying in Columbus. There are of course other places...but one has to wonder. lol, I keep sending a prayer for God to grant me the strength to get over him and send me one better, so I'll be like "the one who must not be named" who? haha. oh dear...
Here I stand with everything to lose All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end Baby please, I'm reachin out for you Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in Lets try us again Us again Look at me Im way past pride Isn't there some way that we can try Lets try us again Even if it takes a while I'll wait right here until I see that smile That says we're us again Searching For on 10/31/2004 04:42:00 PM.
I just...I love being home...I love my family...and my friends...and my cats...and being home...and my dreams and my bed and my shower and MY LIFE Searching For on 10/31/2004 01:18:00 AM.
10.30.2004 Oh the joys of being home. I think...that although college is necessary (or so I'm told) that I'm going to stop being the extremist college student. I think laying off the alcohol and the guys would be good for me and true to thine own self. But I'm done beating myself up about stuff I probably shouldn't have done...everyone must learn...everyone makes mistakes...this is why God died for our sins (I've been told this since I was 2 so...I should believe it eh?) But...I can't be a person I'm not and I don't want to be a person that I'm not. And I've got to find some hicks to hang out with, seriously. I don't understand the city girls or girls from suburbia...I don't dislike them...I just want...hicks or rather "those from a rural community" I never minded the drinking when it was hickful drinking, it's different, it's just different. I miss sitting around fires and telling stories we've all heard 100 times before and remembering good times and just...hanging out. Whatever happened to just hanging out. I'm also tired of fake people (which makes mea hipocrite) and I'm tired of guys that are assholes. Ever wanna know how good you had it? Go to college for 6 weeks...go to parties...you will meet EVERY ASSHOLE there ever was and they'll charm you and in the end...you'll think, I'm such an idiot and he's such a jackass. Now...I don't think staying home is the right idea...but...some people I miss SO much, it's not fair. I just miss the life and I know change happens, but I'm not going to be one of the rat pack, I can't do it, I'm not like that. I'm a small town girl, I've gone parking out in the levy and loved it! (what the heck is a levy anyway?) but seriously...life is slower here and just makes me sense, but I CAN'T stay here, but gosh...being here just makes me want to be a kindergarten or pre-school teacher again and live my perfect life in a place almost identical to here. I can't do the city love forever...I'm not a city girl...and quite frankly, I'd rather die than become one. At this point I almost miss the constant sight of (dead and live) animals adorning my friends houses. I'd KILL to hear a guy know that it was hunting season. It's too modern..it's too...not me...makes me wonder where my life is going and if I'll ever find someone that I can love in the forsaken campus of OSU...really my degree is important, but finding a guy...(see here comes the NEW part, that part I learned in college) the RIGHT,a guy who deserves me, guy is most important and I'm not settling...so far in life I've felt there was one guy good enough for me (aha, that makes me sound SOO arogant and that's not my intention or even what I really mean), but I wasn't good enough for him...so I'm hoping...they'll be one more in my future, one more good one...is that too much to ask? God send me a country boy.....
Love you all...love being home... Well I I still can remember times When the night seemed to surround me I was sure the sun would never shine on me And I I thought it my destiny To walk this world aloneBut now you're here with me Now you're here with me And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to get through To get me to you To get me to you Well I, I still can recall the days When I had no love around me Makes me glad for every day I have with you And I, I look in your eyes and know I'm right where I belong And I belong with you Always belonged with you And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to get through To get me to you To get me to you And if I could I wouldn't change a thing Wouldn't change a thing baby Because your love was waiting there for me Waiting there for me baby And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to get through To get me to you To get me to you Searching For on 10/30/2004 03:35:00 PM.
10.25.2004 Well...in church today I was reminded that God forgives our sins, no matter what and...I felt better. Then I gave in to my childish urges and talked to Nate...and I felt better dammit and I'm not feeling bad because I feel better. I like how he still can make me feel better and make me feel human and make my brain slink back into the gutter. I also like how I'd rather die than date him, but I still love him as one of my better friends (he knows too much to be an aquaintance) I'm still most honest with him too...and that's good for me...being honest, really, truly honest. It was a long conversation that felt like mere minutes and I neglected to study for spanish because of it (and i will play dearly for such tomorrow...but it brings back memories, lol). I'm surprised that I don't hate him and that I could actually miss him. Lol what's more surprising...I really don't want to date him...but I really want him in my life. It's kind of confusing but it's comfortable and so broken in as JM would say. Sometimes it's hard because minus all the shit...our general conversation is hard to beat and really sets high standards for other guys. I haven't found one yet that I can compare (and what's horrible is I don't like Nate anymore either, what's a girl to do!?) Well anyway...I need to go to bed. hugs and kisses Searching For on 10/25/2004 01:07:00 AM.
10.24.2004 Searching For on 10/24/2004 01:57:00 PM.
It is impossible to listen to this song and not think...fuck it all...I can handle it...I am strong enough to handle it...
Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap! It's time to try Defying gravity I think I'll try Defying gravity And you can't pull me down! I'm through accepting limits 'Cuz someone says they're so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know! Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost! I'd sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity And you can't pull me down: if you care to find me Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!" And if I'm flying solo At least I'm flying free To those who'd ground me Take a message back from me Tell them how I am Defying gravity I'm flying high Defying gravity And soon I'll match them in renown And nobody in all of Oz No Wizard that there is or was Is ever gonna bring me down! Searching For on 10/24/2004 01:44:00 PM.
"Won't someone tell me what is happenin to me
Why am I so misunderstood Why can't they see Now I'm caught between the devil and the angel That I used to be They say I'll understand it all in good time But age ain't nothin but a number in my mind Goin crazy with this push me pull me Caught between wrong and right I wanna go left but they tell me go right Don't wanna be the little girl they're kissin goodnight I wanna give in to the woman in me I wanna be someone they don't want me to be Got the feelin that the way my life is Has got to be prepared for changes" I really, really...I don't even know. It's cruel when people tell you shit when you're intoxicated. I mean they know you can't deal with it very well then, so why tell you? Why tell you at all when it's bad news and just take you off your cloud 9? why can't they let you go on pretending? why must they ruin everything for you? I don't understand why people have to be cruel. Why can't they let you go on pretending, go on believing... Sarah and I had a really long talk last night both during intoxication and after. (I'm so tired of drinking in case anybody cares). But I pretty much just lost it and I love Sarah but I wasn't ready to be that vunerable again. I HATE that I am that vunerable. I tried to do it, to walk this world alone and let it all go and be my strong indepedent self that my family thinks I am and God help me I can't do it. I can't take the nightmares, I can't take the not sleeping and constantly being afraid. I'm tired of hooking up with guys just to feel safe, just so show that one incident didn't fuck up my life that much (which makes NO sense, b/c I believe if that hadn't happened...I wouldn't get the urge to sleep with guys who hold me tight and make me feel safe). I wish I could be THAT girl. The one who either didn't care or didn't do it. The one who really could stand on her own 2 feet. My mom always tells me how strong I am and how I can conquer just about everything...but I really can't. Stuff that happened over a year ago still makes me crawl into bed happily (at the time) with another guy, I still have nightmares and am I wondering insomniac. It never ALL goes away and I can't conquer it worth shit. I HATE that. I want to feel safe and loved by MYSELF. I don't want anymore desperate one night stands (when I'm horribly sober...God forgive me). I can't DO that, it tears me APART everytime. I'm not a girl that can just be in it for the fun, it's not FUN, sex has never been FUN for me, it's someone's reward for making me feel safe, it's a showing of my gratitude, my final contentment and that's just awful AND that is just so MESSED UP on so many levels. Bah-humbug...just bah-humbug for a few hours, until I realize my life is wonderful and I'm loved to the extreme by my family and that my complaining is nothing compared to everyone else's. Hands touch, eyes meet Sudden silence, sudden heat Hearts leap in a giddy whirl He could be that boy But I'm not that girl: Don't dream too far Don't lose sight of who you are Don't remember that rush of joy He could be that boy I'm not that girl Ev'ry so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl That's the girl he chose And Heaven knows I'm not that girl: Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl There's a girl I know He loves her so I'm not that girl: ~Wicked~ I'm Not That Girl Searching For on 10/24/2004 01:13:00 PM.
10.18.2004 Wow...lately college has been...STRESSFUL... even weekends...are full of too much homework (and probably too much fun but well). This weekend there were only 4 girls left in our dorm and it was the "wildest" four (we're honors students, cut us some slack). But it was hard liquor...and I have missed hard liquor, plus we were in our own suite. We definitely had some good times. Innocent good times, but good times. (lol it's unfortunate that Matt doesn't drink and that I had about had it Friday night and declared him homosexual...then I had a 2 hour discussion with his roommate, Jamie...and I reliquished my anger when sober). We have good times on our weekends and our boys like to see Karen and I when we're having fun...it's good times.
Last week were midterms, I got a B on my Spanish, the highest grade out of 1000+ on my math (talk about deciding your life) and an A on my psych. Tonight I have a Spanish composition and I am scared out of my wits about it. Spanish is hard for me, the woman is unorganized and it's hard for me to concentrate from 5-9 two nights a week. Classes have to be scheduled tomorrow for next quarter, and I have some psych experiments to go to and lunch with Phil and it's just so BUSY. I feel like all I do is sleep...occasionally eat...do homework....tutor.....repeat...so frustrating. Anyway, I must go, life is calling. Love you all extremely much. Have been having thoughts about Nate recently, ones that just pop in my head at weird times...really wondering why...suppose it's just.....stress? lol I dunno Searching For on 10/18/2004 04:32:00 PM.
10.09.2004 Well...what to tell? The college life has been crazy, but it had almost become routine until my parents came up to fix my computer. I love them very much. I know it's time to move on in life, but it's so tough sometimes. I love my parents and I've been my parents child for so long. I wish I didn't have to be sent on my way in life. Right now I am so NOT interested in starting my life. I go to school to make them proud, but I don't want to start looking for a future life partner, I don't want to think about careers...
Of course, then there's Matt...I have to laugh, because everyone else came to college to speed everything UP...I went to college and things slowed DOWN. Not that I'm complaining mind you...when things last longer...they're...more special...you go to sleep with that glow about the tiniest little thing...it's cute, very cute and I've missed out on it for awhile now. I lack regrets..regretting things doesn't get anyone anywhere...but it took me going to college to figure out that rushing into relationships...doesn't make you stronger, or better or...anything. Relationships are good things...but sometimes...when you have a really bad day and you're hungover for the first time and you're homesick and you have a gazillion things to do and your parents call and Meg comes back to finish visiting...you really need that person to run to that holds you tight, kisses your head and lets you sob away your troubles. Those are good people to keep around without keeping attachment strings. Anyway...it's like/early....and time for me to sleep in this crazy world. Love you dearly, especially you my dearest Rachel, I wish you were here with me. I love you!!!! Searching For on 10/09/2004 02:53:00 AM.
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