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7.31.2004 1) Of everything in your wardrobe what do you feel the most comfortable wearing? Why? Sweats...t-shirt...it's not always the wardrobe that makes me comfortable....my current emotion/feeling makes me comfy...and good company 2) How would you describe your style? I'm a Gap girl...jeans...cute shoes... tight shirts...it happens 3) How many pairs of shoes do you own and do you wear them all? A lot...more than I should....I wear my black flip flops with rhinestones a ton...and my tennis shoes...a lot....I tend to be taller than people...flat shoes...4) Where do you buy most of your clothes? the Gap...shirts from Lerner...but I don't do the zipper crotch to Kansas 5) What was the last piece of clothing you bought? cool socks for work! Searching For on 7/31/2004 01:15:00 AM.
7.30.2004 Well...I just got off the phone with my baby a few minutes ago. We just had..."the talk" the one where I bare my worst secret ever...and this time...I listened and I made some promises and I talked about things I didn't to, because he wanted me to. And for once...he didn't run away. The first guy...who didn't run away. The reason I think Kevin is the greatest thing since sliced bread (besides the fact that he IS) is that...he doesn't want me just to have sex with me and he's flat out told me so (not that he doesn't want to...but, it's not the number one priority right now). Kevin is.......very well suited for me. He treats me like a princess, with a brain...but when I go to him for things in life I'm frustrated with, or I don't understand...he understands the difference between my venting and my asking his advice. And although it's unquestionable that I want him and he wants me and we like each other A LOT and we're planning on being together for quite some time....we're rather waiting until I go to school or at least until I go see him for a weekend or two or three...to be very official about it all and I notice his care for the L-O-V-E word...and not jumping the gun, or rather...making sure it's special. He treats me like a princess, calls me his princess...and well....life is so much easier when I'm looking at it with his help BUT...I can also do it alone....it's different....from Nate..it's so much better. When Kevin tells me I'm his baby, I say yes baby, I'm all yours...and I actually mean it... I mean, there are no strings attached...nothing I'm going to lie about to him, nothing I'm going to avoid if he wants to know, even if I DON'T like it. He doesn't get angry at me when I don't call as early as I say I will, or when my phone cuts out for the 800th time when we're in the middle of a serious conversation, or when I find out I can't come for the weekend....and he knows when to tell me that he's not angry with me, even though I've asked him about 10 times in less than an hour. For knowing him a tad bit over a month...he knows me better than just about anyone I've ever known (especially he who must not be named). He LISTENS when I talk and we talk although we don't always agree..we listen. I do love him and we're...only interested in each other (for dating purposes, we do have lives children)...but all those official things...have to be done in special, romantic ways (have I mentioned I love finally unleasing my hopeless romantic side....gosh he's romantic and so cute...I love it). But things are going so well and I am so happy. I mean we just dealt with the hardest, roughest issue....and he wouldn't let it go until I finally agreed to do the right thing...eventually...and with him...not just by myself...it was...the most romantic moment I've EVER had (and that's so WEIRD) but just his...refusal to leave me for it and his determination to protect me, but let me decide when we're (both of us) are going to deal with it...it meant the absolute world to me. I think...God inspired this relationship...and has blessed it with his care...and I'll do anything to keep with God's wishes of course. haha....wow. I'm so happy, he's so happy....we're great for each other...and I'm so thankful for it all
Searching For on 7/30/2004 01:44:00 AM.
7.28.2004 oh dear. If I could express how HAPPY I am right this very moment...I would. But I'll suffice it to say...I'm so happy, giggles just float out. Kevin and I...we...we care a great deal about each other and although we admit it's crazy...it's definitely happening and it's beyond our control. But...I'm really glad. I'm so his baby and he treats me like a princess. haha be we do disagree in our politics...but....everybody has to disagree on somethings and actually...we don't really disagree...terribly. But I'm glad we don't agree on everything and can still care about each other as much as we do. It's crazy...but I have to tell you...I keep praying about it...and I think maybe...this one's going to work out very very well...::knocks on wood:: gosh...he's so special and amazing and cute and funny and wonderful (okay okay I'll stop gushing, you can stop emptying your stomach contents). But...he's...I...I think maybe...I might..maybe...already...love him....
Searching For on 7/28/2004 12:11:00 AM.
7.27.2004 ~Suds in the Bucket~
Sara Evans She was in the backyard they say it was a little past nine When her prince pulled up, a white pickup truck Her folks should of seen it comin' it was only just a matter of time Plenty old enough, and you can't stop love She stuck a note on the screen door "sorry but I got to go" That was all she wrote, her mamma's heart was broke That was all she wrote, so the story goes (Chorus) Now her daddy's in the kitchen starin' out the window, scratchin' and a rackin' his brains How could 18 years just up and walk away? Our little pony tailed girl growed up to be a woman Now shes gone in the blink of an eye She left the suds in the bucket and the clothes hangin' out on the line Now don't you wonder what the preacher's gonna preach about sunday mornin' Nothing quite like this has happened here before Well he must have been a looker, smooth talkin' son of gun For such a grounded girl to just up and run Course you can't fence time, and you can't stop love (2nd Chorus) Now all the biddy's in the beauty shop gossip goin' non stop Sippin on pink lemonade How could 18 years just up and walk away? Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman Now shes gone in the blink of an eye She left the suds in the bucket and the clothes hangin' out on the line (3rd chorus) She's got her pretty little bare feet hangin' out the window And they're headin' up to Vegas tonight How could 18 years just up and walk away Our little pony tailed girl growed up to be a woman Now she's gone in the blink of an eye She left the suds in the bucket and the clothes hangin' out on the line She left the suds in the bucket and the clothes hangin' out on the line She was in the backyard they say it was a little past nine When her prince pulled up, a white pick up truck Plenty old enough, and you can't stop love No you can't fence time, and you can't stop love Searching For on 7/27/2004 01:37:00 PM.
Good morning. I know it's a bit late to say that...but we had a girls night at Carrie's last night and I didn't sleep (I'll admit it, I cheated, I cheated...Kevin called after I asked him to of course...I just couldn't go the whole day without talking to my baby). The girls were impressed with my selection and besides teasing me that I cheated...let me go. They're not evil and although we haven't all been together in awhile...they realize that Nate really hurt me and was never all that good to me (of course, at times that was mutual, well okay, I hurt him oh you know about a year ago..and he hurt me for about a year...so I'd say that's about normal, right?...it was just a bad mix, bad chemistry, bad everything, why and how I convinced him and myself to stay in that mess so long...I know not). Plus, it's SO easy to see that I'm SO happy and everyone knows that the sweetest thing that you'll ever see in the whole wide world, is a happy girl.
BUT ANYWAY. What I was trying to say was that I woke up the sweetest way EVER today. I was dreaming about Kevin [and anyone who says you have to be in REM sleep to dream...questionable, if I'm awake, or I've been awake and laying there, I'll dream] (although it was an ODD dream, somewhere a kid got in the picture and it wasn't our kid, it was like Phil & Jenny's or his sister's or something and I was taking care of it unquestionably) and my phone started vibrating so I woke up and it was Kevin! It was so awesome, I loved it...so much. I'm falling so fast for him, it's CRAZY. College needs to be NOW. But I am going to visit soon, thank goodness. But it is crazy....of course. The L word definitely surfaces in my brain and I try to think really really hard if he said one night when we said goodnight, but I was so tired like it registered...but then I wasn't sure and I was like oh no! lol just cuz I wasn't sure if he had said it or not, because I was certainly thinking about it (I know that is CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZY). I am completely smitten. Yeah that whole, carefree relationships thing? HAHA HAHA. I've got my baby on the brain all the time and guess what? He has me on his too! haha! wow... I have a new shampoo to be obssessed with. It's the sheer blond stuff...BUT it's for brunnettes, it makes my hair so soft and the conditioner is out of this world! It's like $5 a pop though...mommy bought it for me at a late night run to Wal-mart...she loves me! Lana is coming soon!! This is fantastic...just let me know what you want to do Lana, but I do have to celebrate mama's birthday the morning of Sunday. I have to cook and stuff. I love you girl! I'm so excited. Well I must go get ready for work and get my work out clothes in order since I'm stopping at the gym after work and perhaps to Meg's to swim. Love you all Searching For on 7/27/2004 01:01:00 PM.
7.26.2004 Good MORNING! This is crazy early! I had to get up and take the cars in with daddy this morning and I'm about to hit the gym for a little mix up in the routine. My last day off before working, yuck yuck. A girl has to work though, this I realize.
Kevin is...amazing. Sometimes I don't know what to do with such a great guy, I just lay in my bed talking to him and think...wow, HOW LUCKY AM I? Seriously folks...he's a great guy and I am falling very very quickly for him. But I won't bore you all. ::finishes swooning:: Did you know that..... The average male knows the female he's going to spend the rest of his life with in 2 hours The average female knows the male she's going to spend the rest of her life with in 2 weeks Crazy isn't it? Lana will be here Friday and it's already Monday and I have to work everyday after today this week, so I have a feeling time will fly. I'm so excited to see Lana!!! ~Love you all~ Searching For on 7/26/2004 08:15:00 AM.
7.25.2004 Kevin...doesn't swear. This I noticed a tad bit too late, but I did pick up on it. Honestly...I don't need to swear, it's something I picked up playing volleyball (not an excuse). So now...I have to get it out of my everyday language...which it really isn't in. But instead of pretending, he just told me...which I really really liked and admired him for. He just gets better and better. We talked for hours tonight and the time flew. I can't wait to see him everyday. Kids, this is the real deal...a good guy... for me...thank the heavens....
Searching For on 7/25/2004 01:20:00 AM.
7.24.2004 and now...we have fonts...and colors! HOW COOL! I am so impressed by this. I thought Lana was pulling my chain...but she wasn't...these are so cool. But guess what? I am in <3>
"Comfortable" "I loved you grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect Our love was, comfortable and so broken in" Searching For on 7/24/2004 01:18:00 PM.
Well...here are some random thoughts...
Kevin is...amazing. I've fallen...so fast, it's unbelievable to me, it's irrational, it's crazy and it doesn't make sense, not one lick of sensible sense. He's not perfect...but he's perfect for me, now. But I worry...it's too fast, it's not rational...but Lord help me...that boy...he's amazing to me and I'm starting to care an awful lot for him. We agree on most things...not everything, but the important things...Kevin is the first guy that didn't want to fuck me as soon as possible (or at least he repressed those urges)...you have no idea how much that means to me...it's...amazing. And it's not that we're not interesting in making love...but it's down on the list...for now...I love that Drinking...we've both done it...and neither of us are thrilled with it. Social drinkers if we're in the mood...but I'll be honest, I detest the taste of alcohol and I've told him so. We've discussed staying over in my dorm, and I've made the decision...while things are going as well as they are...he will be the only guy staying over night in my dorm. He's been hurt...badly and I can tell. I'll never cheat on a guy, I've always said that and I say it more firmly after...the FIASCO. And I've already talked about the sex thing...so he's not staying over to have sex, he's staying over to be there for me, so I can actually sleep nightmareless and because we're obsessive cuddlers. lol, this is not an every night ordeal, don't freak out and this isn't going to happen for a bit..but...it's been discussed. Besides...it's my life dammit. =-} His birthday's January 12....January's a good month for birthdays, right Lana? =-} He's a member of the Church of Christ (for all you northerners...that's COOL), He's big on the outdoors... I love to go camping for those of you who think I'm crazy...camping with plumbing...I have my standards. He's not obsessed, like someone I once knew. 2 horses, 2 dogs and a fish all of which he loves. He's soo sexy, I mean.....I dunno what I was wearing to attract his attention, but my goodness.. He drives an F150, it's silver and gorgeous. But those things...are cool...but don't really matter...in the large scheme of things. He treats me like a PRINCESS, and that's a FIRST. I've NEVER been treated this well in my life and I've never fallen this fast either. We both have opinions...sometimes the same, sometimes different...both interesting....he makes me think sometimes. Oh and he's careful...he doesn't use the looooove word yet and I don't either of course...but mama said to watch out for the boys that did =-} He's just...lol of course I left out all the important stuff in this post...but...he's amazing and PERFECT for me, not perfect...but perfect for me...and I'm falling too fast and it's not rational...but maybe...just maybe....that's how it's supposed to be. In any case...I'm really happy and I don't have to pretend and tell myself and my blog that everyday just so I remember. Hey you know what? When God shuts a window, he opens a door....ya'll had it backwards.... Searching For on 7/24/2004 02:29:00 AM.
7.23.2004 1) who was your favorite band/musican when you were younger?
Reba McEntire 2) why? DAH! because she kicked tail! She is gorgeous and has great music, WHY ELSE? 3) are they still your favorite/one of your favorites? She is still found on my computer....comfort songs...everyone loves comfort music, lol although after Nate has gotten rid of me...can't say I've been reaching for her lately (could it be that I'm less stressed, happier and find my life more fullfilling?! ::GASPS:: lol sorry guys, I know I'm being cruel, but it's amazing, I'm telling you, "THERE'S LIFE OUT THERE!) 4) what is your favorite of their songs? oh geez, it all depends. Moving Oleta, My Sister, Please Come to Boston, Walk On, Is There Life out There, It Don't Matter, You Lied....okay there are more but it says FAVORITE, not favorites... 5) are there any specific lyrics you hold dear? ::breaks into song:: "And I'm still 500 miles away from home...AWAY FROM HOME AWAY FROM HOME, COLD AND TIRED AND ALL ALONE....." OR "She doesn't want to leave she's just wonderin is there life out there?" Searching For on 7/23/2004 12:22:00 PM.
7.22.2004
Searching For on 7/22/2004 11:01:00 PM.
7.17.2004 Here I sit...a very content and tuckered out girl. For the first time in a long, long time, I stayed in the company of men and never even thought about Nate...and that was very nice, no offense to Nate of course but a girl can only put up with so much, for so long. It was a night with the boys, I was supposed to come home at 8:30 to watch Stargate with Daddy, but the volleyball game was soooo good I just couldn't. I came home and Daddy wasn't watching anyway, he said he couldn't, it was too horrible.
Anyway, I headed out to the gym about 6ish, went through my new workout minus the lifting...Chris called and it was a godsend, made everything go so much faster. Then Dan informed it was time to go play volleyball...and he...on painkillers seemed to have forgotten all about our earlier squirmish and I didn't feel it necessary to bother him about it. Then he was a dear and called Kevin to come and play, which he did, but it was obvious he had just rolled out of bed...a nap after work. It was a spectactular evening though, the game was pretty awesome, but the bantering...I haven't had a night with all guys in sooo long, it felt so good. I mean it felt good to be slightly perverse and just laugh everything off and fall on the ground for balls and just...let it all go. To say whatever the hell I wanted to say and to be called "little girl, our bitch, devil, etc". It's nice to be able to joke around with Kevin like he's my big brother and still be able to like him and flirt with him. It won't be a serious thing....but it'll definitely be a fun and lustful experience, ::wink, wink:: lol I feel like a player... lol, I'm on the rebound okay guys, but at least I'm finally letting myself think about Kevin and have a cute crush like I'm 12 again. lol but I'll admit to being lonely and falling into the comfort of any guys arms, I just don't want to hurt anyone, that's my biggest fear...giving someone the wrong impression or hurting them. I've always questioned if it's wrong to be kissing more guys than one at any given time. I'm telling, I'd kill for a mad make-out session just because, no strings and to be cuddled with just because I feel like I need that right now. Maybe I'm horrible and using people, but I just....I don't know. I wish I knew what was right and wrong in that sense. lol Chris made me laugh so hard today. I told him that I was proud, I hadn't talked to Nate since the shit hit the fan. He told me he'd get me the patch and the gum and everything else...I just laughed, that just totally started my good evening. Thanks hon I had the absolute WORST nightmares ever last night. I mean ::shivers:: the usual are pretty bad...but these involved firecrackers (I knew I shouldn't have thought of them before sleeping) and Nate for once...it was absolutely awful and terrifying. Nothing to reflect anything he's actually done, but oh it was awful. Just a dream right? right... Searching For on 7/17/2004 12:14:00 AM.
7.16.2004 Laugh....there is always a quote to help you when you're down...think it was meant to be that way? Nope.....
Seek and ye shall find. Curiosity killed the cat. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Many hands make light work. Great minds think alike Fools seldom differ Two's company; three's a crowd The more, the merrier What will be, will be Life is what you make it Birds of the same feather flock together Opposites attract Lets cross bridges when we come to them. Forewarned is forearmed The bigger, the better The best things come in small packages Knowledge is power Ignorance is bliss Searching For on 7/16/2004 04:44:00 PM.
It was a daddy and me day. I love daddy and me days. On these days, mom and dad go and do something very very early in the morning, like go grocery shopping. Then mom rudely awakens me 3 or 4 times, calling to ask about things like "what kind of razor do I have?" and did you need anything else from Wally World.. and all kinds of fascinating things. Then Dad and I eat good food and mom eats whatever mom wants to eat (don't get me wrong, occasionally it's healthier than what dad and I eat). Then mom goes upstairs and basically refuses to leave her room while daddy and I watch stupid movies and dad informs of all the military stuff in the movies (things such as "True Lies" and "Iron Eagle") then we both head back to our computers and daddy suggests we do something contructive, like cutting the grass. So I slab on the sunscreen and put on the retarded hat and my cool sunglasses, grab the MP3 player and go cut grass. Then just when I'm thinking I'm going to have to go inside and get keys and move the cars and come back out...I look up and the cars are moved and daddy is ready to finish cutting grass, only after calling me a "thief" for stealing his hat and then saying "thank you" for giving it to him. People often misunderstand my father. He's an awesome guy...he talks a lot and tends to insult the hell out of people, but never INTENTIONALLY and he's not CRUEL to ANYONE.
Last night I finally realized that my parents really do love each other. It wasn't gross either, so don't go there, lol. It was just cute. Cool beans... Searching For on 7/16/2004 04:31:00 PM.
7.14.2004 I'm gonna live my life
I can't ever run and hide I won't compromise You don't always have to do everything right Stand up for yourself And put up a fight Walk around with your hands up in the air Like you don't care ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of auburn hair With ivory skin And eyes of emerald green He talks about you in his sleep There's nothing I can do to keep from cryin' When he calls your name Jolene Well you can have your choice of men But I could never love again He's the only one for me Jolene I had to have this talk with you My happiness depends on you And whatever you decide to do Jolene Searching For on 7/14/2004 10:26:00 PM.
Alanis...my girl
how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics how 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots how 'bout that ever elusive kudo thank you India thank you terror thank you disillusionment thank you frailty thank you consequence thank you thank you silence how 'bout me not blaming you for everything how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you how 'bout grieving it all one at a time the moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle the moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down how 'bout no longer being masochistic how 'bout remembering your divinity how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out how 'bout not equating death with starving Searching For on 7/14/2004 09:36:00 PM.
Frustration...would be the word of the day. I went out job begging again today. I got desperate, went to Chuckie Cheese...the place my mom threatened to send me if I ever decided I wanted a baby before I had finished college or high school. It was a mad house, I could hardly fill out the application because of the racket and I had such a headache coming out of there, it was unbelievable. Guess what? I have an interview there at 2 tomorrow. You know I've always believed that God works in mysterious ways and what have you, but I'm just about on my last...edge. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of just losing it ALL. and I know...people have much much worse lives than I. I'm just...I'm getting frustrated with myself. I'm tired of crying, I'm even tired of my sleeping schedule, I'm tired of this life of nothingness. I'll admit to missing Nate but really I miss college and I haven't even been there yet. I'm going to miss my parents big time when I get there, but I'm tired of fighting with them here. I want to make my own choices, if I want to sleep next to a guy, I want to be able to. I even miss school just because it was something to do...and God knows I miss volleyball. I'm tired of this "Summer" (which I'm sure I'll be yearnign for soon enough) I want to get to college, this summer in between is awful. ::sighs:: soon things will look up.... Searching For on 7/14/2004 07:22:00 PM.
7.13.2004 Not one of my best days today.
I woke up late, but in a clean room and alone in the house. At times I like being alone, but I just ended up crying and thinking about stuff I needn't think about. I eventually headed off to the gym after wasting away the day. My workouts are still frustrating and I just wanted to be alone, so of course, I pissed Dan off. I just hate when guys automatically assume b/c you're suddenly single that it's okay to start hitting on you, it annoys me so much. I ususally try avoid them for a few days so their hormones will cool out, but I have to go to gym or I get even worse. My birth control is fighting me and my face is still rashing. Mom and I got into a fight about me not having a job and about a thousand other things, including my diet. I realize I need a job, but it's not like I'm not trying. She just was pissy anyway and we started yelling (okay she yelled, I'm not that dumb) and I started to get so frustrated just by my day and everything that I almost started to cry. By that point I went upstairs to chill out and I walked into my clean room with my clothes all washed and hanging up and started to sob almost hysterically which caught me the hell off guard b/c I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. I think I'm just having trouble adjusting to everything and I'm getting frustrated with a job and volleyball. I mean normally if I had had a day like this or a fight with my mom I would have talked to Nate about it or at least e-mailed him. I was so tempted, I just felt so miserable and he is the person I always go to when I hurt like that. I really don't know what to do. I mean I could go to him because he knows everything, my innermost thoughts that I often was not willing to share with another soul. Don't get me wrong, I realize I'm still adjusting and this is just one of those things I have to get used to. More and more I enjoy the idea that somewhere, someday, I'm going to fall in love with someone who loves me and things are going to be absolutely magnificent and I can daydream about it enough to keep my mind pretty side-tracked. I wonder what he'll look like and what he'll be interested in and the color of his eyes and if he'll like dogs and just..silly random stuff. I'm even starting to be truly happy for all of this mess. I learned so much from Nate and our ...whatever...I can't even thank him enough. And I'm almost ready to admit that we needed to end, because sometimes stuff just has to end and he needed to and deserved to be happy and he wasn't with me, so I hope he is with her. But now...I've been spilling my emotions and frustration to him for so long now...I've almost forgotten what it's like to keep it inside. I don't trust anyone else the way I trusted him and that's not...trying to be mean or bitchy or anything, or say that I don't like my friends and family for the wonderful people that they are. I just can't trust anyone with my whole self. I guess I'm just saying while I'm okay and getting better and honestly just about plain moved on...I still miss him... a lot. I really do wish we could be real friends, because I have to tell you, we were more just friends when we were dating than when weren't. It's funny, I thought I'd never be able to move on and get him out of my head, but having him end things...I can't change my mind, it forces me to deal with it...I almost want to thank him for it...and that's just weird. But I mean...I almost used to being single again, I'm even starting to look at guys and think..."I wonder what makes HIM tick and WOW he's hot" I need a job...and tomorrow I am being forced to go out and be a bitch about things, excuse me, being "assertive" something I have always sucked at and NEVER liked. I easily can do what I am told, but I hate to be bitchy and I hate begging and I just hate the whole thing, it has caused too much unhappiness recently. I wonder if he misses me at all.... Searching For on 7/13/2004 09:35:00 PM.
7.12.2004 Well. It's Monday evening. I'm still jobless, loveless and breaking out in a rash. Dan asked me to a movie tonight...but I didn't go. I wanted to but...I don't want to be a user, there's nothing worse than that. Dan's a nice guy, but...he doesn't really interest me much. I feel mean saying it but...it's true. He's sweet though.
Ironic happening of the day...I got my official AP scores today, not 20 minutes after I changed my major to mathematics...I got my official 2 in calc and a 4 in English. Silly me. It hurts a little less, but it still hurts. I still want to go out and have a reckless make-out session, reckless sex has never appealed to me. I think I'm going to ask Kevin out Friday, all he can say is no. I'm nervous though, lol first dates and all. He's so cute though...I'll ask him if he has a gf first...mental note...anyway. I love you, thanks for being there for me! Searching For on 7/12/2004 10:40:00 PM.
*********** [12:56 PM]: im bored...wanna get on eachother? You know I love you
I get at least 2 of these a day and have for about 4 years. Although I have to admit, it's never been this tempting before. Chill guys, I'm not a whore. But it is tempting nonetheless. Actually I'd just love to recklessly do some serious making out with someone and then get fabulously drunk...now I could get drunk tonight, Sam invited me, her parents are out of town until Wednesday, a small get together. On one hand I'd love to get fabulously drunk, on the other, I don't want to deal with consequences. I wasn't kidding when I said I get too damn friendly when I'm drunk, it's not a pretty sight and I'm not exaggerating one bit. I do stupid things I wouldn't dream of doing sober. I'm reckless and wild and not like myself at all. I end up in bad situations, occasionally ones I can't get out of. But Sam and Alica will watch me, they're not that stupid. There could be reckless making out. I just...I don't know what to DO with myself, I don't know what to THINK about. What on earth did I used to think about? I mean there had to be something I was obsessed with thinking about and I can't remember wtf it was. ::sighs:: I need a job...I need money...I need to play volleyball...SOMETHING TO OCCUPY MY MIND and me. This has just been one of those weeks. I got fired (basically) so I have no job, I got a 2 on my AP calc exam, I got cut off from my fuck buddy for another girl, my workouts are plateauing, my skin is on crack, Steph is out of town, at least my birth control has stopped fighting me. What a time! but...I can feel it, things are going to start looking up, this I know...once you reach the bottom the barrel, you have to get out. ::sighs:: I need to clean my room and blast some Avril. But I'll admit, it hurts less today...I haven't cried yet, although I have to tell you, I think I'm in atp://www.google.es/search?q=marca">Marca: por supuesto, la cultura del “esférico”!!!), Canadá (Equipo de Hockey) Searching For on 7/12/2004 01:31:00 PM.
*********** [12:56 PM]: im bored...wanna get on eachother? You know I love you
I get at least 2 of these a day and have for about 4 years. Although I have to admit, it's never been this tempting before. Chill guys, I'm not a whore. But it is tempting nonetheless. Actually I'd just love to recklessly do some serious making out with someone and then get fabulously drunk...now I could get drunk tonight, Sam invited me, her parents are out of town until Wednesday, a small get together. On one hand I'd love to get fabulously drunk, on the other, I don't want to deal with consequences. I wasn't kidding when I said I get too damn friendly when I'm drunk, it's not a pretty sight and I'm not exaggerating one bit. I do stupid things I wouldn't dream of doing sober. I'm reckless and wild and not like myself at all. I end up in bad situations, occasionally ones I can't get out of. But Sam and Alica will watch me, they're not that stupid. There could be reckless making out. I just...I don't know what to DO with myself, I don't know what to THINK about. What on earth did I used to think about? I mean there had to be something I was obsessed with thinking about and I can't remember wtf it was. ::sighs:: I need a job...I need money...I need to play volleyball...SOMETHING TO OCCUPY MY MIND and me. This has just been one of those weeks. I got fired (basically) so I have no job, I got a 2 on my AP calc exam, I got cut off from my fuck buddy for another girl, my workouts are plateauing, my skin is on crack, Steph is out of town, at least my birth control has stopped fighting me. What a time! but...I can feel it, things are going to start looking up, this I know...once you reach the bottom the barrel, you have to get out. ::sighs:: I need to clean my room and blast some Avril. But I'll admit, it hurts less today...I haven't cried yet, although I have to tell you, I think I'm in a denial stage...where I don't deny it...I just don't think about it... Searching For on 7/12/2004 01:05:00 PM.
7.11.2004 Well...it happened. Nate ended us tonight. It hurt...more than anything I've ever experienced. But I couldn't...god I knew. I KNEW and I'm not just saying that. I knew Wednesday and I didn't want to know. I didn't want to cry those tears, so I swallowed them, told myself I was overreacting. God it hurts. I try to rationalize, I try to move on...the faster the better. I try to hate him, I try so hard to hate him. I can't, I don't even dislike him. Yes, I was pissed that he decided to break up with me (I know break up is the wrong word, but dammit, I don't know what else to call it)where I broke up with him...he knows I hate it there. That's the only thing I was truly angry about.
Now I just hurt. God I wish it didn't hurt! That's all I wish. I want him to be happy and I couldn't make him happy, he deserves to be happy, I just wanted to make him happy and I couldn't do it...I tried so hard. It wasn't meant to be. I hope she makes him happy, or at least they have fun...he deserves it. He's an angel...and one day...he'll make a girl amazingly happy, I even hope it's her. God I loved him. It's hard. I'm afraid...I did everything I could for him...I'm afraid I'm unlovable and I'm not kidding. I couldn't have done anything else. I try to tell myself, that it just wasn't meant to be. But..what if I am...what if I'm just unlovable?! okay...so...I still worry, a little bit. And it's not wanting a lot to want to be loved in return, it's not even Nate's fault that he didnt' love me. It's just hard and it hurts. What hurts the most is that I can't be his friend. We can't have those long pointless talks and take those long drives anymore. Between that and the cuddling that's all I ever really wanted. I never needed sex or anything related. I guess it had to happen eventually. I wish Steph were home...just to go clubbing...or Lana, lol I'd be safer with lana, she'd make sure I didn't do anything to stupid. I'm going to get through this, it's okay. It wasn't meant to be...there is something even better out there for both of us. But it still hurts...soon I'll stop crying...and one day I'll look back and smile on the good times. On my first true love. I'll even listen to my friends tell their stories about this craziness. And it won't hurt anymore. I'll even listen to Garth Brooks' stupid song that I've always hated and maybe I'll smile. I'll get through it, because I have to, I have no choice. I'll even ask Kevin out, because the worst he can say...is no. I'm going to finish my summer....with wreckless dating. I'm going to OSU in the fall and there...I'm searching for my soulmate (even though I know he'll find me without my looking). It's time to be single again, truly single and it's okay. I wish...we could be friends, but if we can't then...well it's time to remember how to be me again, to do thing because I want to, buy things because I look good in there. To stop the worrying and the confusion and the hurt and to live. I'm okay...it hurts and I think it's going to hurt for awhile and I'll probably cry when I hear songs or the way someone touches me or something. But...God will take care of me...he'll show me my soulmate when I'm ready...and it's not time yet I guess. Until then...I guess it's time to regain my balance, find my own two feet, find myself (lol how awful). At least I have the greatest friends in the world....and the greatest soulsister. I love you guys...I know you all told me...and I'm sorry I didn't listen, but I couldn't. I loved him. Avril Na na, na nana na na I miss you, miss you so bad I don't forget you, oh it's so sad I hope you can hear me I remember it clearly The day you slipped away Was the day I found It won't be the same, oh Na na, na nana na na I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't, I hope you can hear me I remember it clearly The day, you, slipped away Was the day I found it won't be the same, ooh I have had my wake up Won't you wake up. I keep asking why. I can't take it It wasn't fake. It happened you passed by. Now your gone now your gone There you go There you go Somewere I can't bring you back Now your're gone now your're gone There you go There you go Somewere your not coming back The day, you, slipped away Was the day I found it won't be the same, No, the day you slipped away Was the day I found it won't be the same Na na, na nana na na I miss you But it's over...and it's okay that it's over. I couldn't tell you Why she felt that way She felt it everyday I couldn't help her I just watch her make The same mistakes again What's wrong, what's wrong now Too many, too many problems Don't know where she belongs Where she belongs (Chorus) She wants to go home but nobody's home That's where she lies broken inside No place to go, no place to go To dry her eyes broken inside Open your eyes (open your eyes) And look outside Find the reason why (why) You've been rejected (you've been rejected) And now you can't find What you left behind Be strong, be strong now Too many too many problems Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs (Repeat Chorus) Her feeling she hides Her dream she can't find She's losing her mind She's fallen behind She can't find her place She's losing her faith She's fallen from grace She's all over the place (yeah!) (Repeat Chorus) She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh) She's lost inside, lost inside (oh, oh uhh) oooh Try to tell me what i shouldn't do You should know by now I won't listen to you Walk around with my hands Up in the air 'Cause I don't care 'Cause I'm all right I'm fine Just freak out let it go Chorus I'm gonna live my life I can't ever run and hide I won't compromise 'Cause I'll never know I'm gonna close my eyes I can't watch the time go by I won't keep it inside Freak out let it go Just freak out let it go You don't always have to do everything right Stand up for yourself And put up a fight Walk around with your hands up in the air Like you don't care 'Cause I'm all right I'm fine Just freak out let it go Chorus Let it go On my own Let it go Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Chorus Just let me live my life I can't ever run and hide I won't compromise 'Cause i'll never know I'm gonna close my eyes I can't watch the time go by I won't keep it inside Freak out let it go Freak out let it go Searching For on 7/11/2004 11:06:00 PM.
Well...it was an interesting night, let's just say that.
It was a gorgeous, beautiful day, I loved it. I miss Nate dearly, I was SUCH a bitch to him the other night. I don't know what my deal was. I hate when that happens. It was for so no reason. But he's still supposed to see me tomorrow. That would just brighten my day immensly. I miss him, it's been over a week! That's just crazy. But hopefully tomorrow. lol oh and all that shit I said the other day...yes it was shit. I was angry and hurt, I'll admit and I needed to let it out, but...in the end, I care about him so much and I love the way he treats me. He's an angel, and he's perfect for me. If I couldn't call him on bullshit or being a smartass I'd die. We have fun and he's amazing. I'm a lucky girl Searching For on 7/11/2004 01:46:00 AM.
7.10.2004 another great one for the night
Leap of Faith 17 [1:11 AM]: tell me why my boobs grow Lana13185 [1:11 AM]: lol. Lana13185 [1:11 AM]: i dont know Lana13185 [1:11 AM]: sexual tension and that is always the answer folks... Searching For on 7/10/2004 01:12:00 AM.
you know if I didn't talk to him, I could stick with my convictions...right. We're going out Sunday...go ahead, call me a hypocrit and a lot of other things,,, like a LIAR. ::sighs:: one day....it'll either work out or I'll get away...someday... Searching For on 7/10/2004 12:25:00 AM.
7.09.2004 Together
AVRIL Something just isn't right I can feel it inside The truth isn't far behind me You can't deny When I turn the lights out When I close my eyes Reality overcomes me I'm living a lie When I'm alone I Feel so much better And when Im around you I don't feel [Chorus:] Together It doesn't feel right at all Together Together we've built a wall Together Holding hands we'll fall Hands we'll fall This has gone on so long I realize that i need Something good to rely on Something for me When I'm alone I Feel so much better And when Im around you I don't feel [Chorus] My heart is broken I'm lying here My thoughts are choking on you my dear On you my dear On you my dear When I'm alone I Feel so much better And when Im around you I don't feel [Chorus x2] When I'm around you When I'm around you I don't feel together I don't feel together When I'm around you When I'm around you I don't feel together I don't feel together Searching For on 7/09/2004 11:57:00 PM.
Avril's new CD...FUCKING FABULOUS! Jessica Simpson's redo of Angel, AMAZING, that girl can SING!
Here's an Avril tune There's not much going on today. I'm really bored, it's getting late. What happened to my Saturday? Monday's coming, the day I hate. Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. This is where I start to bite my nails. And clean my room when all else fails. I think it's time for me to bail. This point of view is getting stale. Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. Na na na na na, we've all got choices. Na na na na, we've all got voices. Na na na na na, stand up make some noise. Na na na na, stand up make some noise. Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. Like I was special, cuz I was special. Na na na na na. Moving right on, I do not know what is up with my body. My bc is being a pain the ass, I'm breaking out like a fiend (which is just wrong) and my boobs are growing, which I just don't understand. It's like sudden MAJOR growth spurt gross stretch marks and all, which makes NO SENSE. I'm dropping pounds and gaining boobs? Right, what the hell, I thought they were DONE GROWING. I'm contemplating a reduction. lol can you tell I haven't seen or talked to Nate in a few days? I'm getting a tad bit bitchy. I'm very tempted to ask Kevin out. I see him everyday at the gym, we smile, say hey, joke around a little and then I go sweat some more and he goes and shoots around. At least he wouldn't ignore me. lol, okay that's NOT fair, Nate isn't ignoring me, I told him not to worry about me and get everything else in his life caught up. But I was kind of hoping for the "I'm still alive e-mails" if nothing else or the occasion call of "hey, what are you doing?" ::sighs:: I think Nate will always be my first love, but I get tired of getting treated like crap all the time. I don't treat my friends like he treats me half the time. He doesn't even realize it either, which I'm not sure which is worse. I wasn't asking for a ring or commitment, I just wanted some fun until September (I decided that after he announced that he didn't love me for the 800th time). Getting treated like crap gets really old though. lol but the fighter in me says don't you dare let him take the easy way out and act like an ass so you have to get rid of him. I want to be treated like a princess again though. I wanted to be loved in return. I wanted to be RESPECTED and not simply discarded when inconvienant. When you love someone you're busy....you start inviting them along on errands and things and you make time for them. lol I know Nate used to tell me that all the time. I guess now that he doesn't love me, he doesn't feel he needs to make time for me. (yes i know I'm being self-rightous and bitchy since I TOLD him to not worry about me, but this is my blog and I get to rant on it all of my irrational and illogical feelings on it, so deal). lol, I know you're all laughing, go right...let us know when you fall back in love with him again and can't live without him. Hey I offered to change my whole life for him and he turned me down. I almost wonder how he'll feel with the tables turned? Kevin has been in the back of my mind for some time now (just for fun friends, I do realize I am going to college in 3 months), but I just decided Nate was my soulmate. Now I'm like...uh huh something tells me my soulmate wouldn't treat me like this. lol, I have no regrets...but I'm pretty sure I'm renigging on a decision I made a long time ago. I have more self-respect...if you don't love me...then you can't fuck me. Maybe that's a bit pruddish and I'm denying my hormones...if he loved me, in a heartbeat. But I'm tired of putting my heart out on the line just to be treated like crap. So I'll have to be really single for a few months....that won't be fun...but well. I loved him...I truly did. But right now..I feel...nothing. Maybe I should thank him for this break, if it hadn't happened, I might not have made the right decision. ::breathes:: there will be someone better out there for me, someone I have yet to meet. I deserve better, to be treated better rather. lol, Bob's been telling me that for a long time now...I just never believed him. For all I have going for me, I have about shit for self-esteem and always have. They tell me I'm intelligent, pretty and fascinating. But, I respect myself now, I can stand on my own two feet, I'm going to college for goodness sake, the biggest damn college in Ohio, my perfect someone could easily be there. Or at least I can have fun, evening somewhat meaningful relationships there. He doesn't deserve my tears anymore. We've been through a lot...and I learned so much, but eventually...if he doesn't love you...then why kill yourself? Just to be slapped in the face (figuratively)? No, my mama raised a fighter and I have not fought through my life, through my senior year, to be treated like this. This is not love anymore. It was...but it's not love anymore. lol I can't believe I'm saying this and believing it. Heck I might change my mind, I know how I am...but...I deserve love. And I'm beautiful, funny, cute, encouraging, athletic, geniunly nice 18 year old. I'm standing at the edge of my life and I'm about to dive in...and well...maybe I need to do it "on my own" (with the love and support of my fabulous family). but I think...I think I deserve to be loved in return. And he doesn't love me...and that's not his fault, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. lol I think I can be friends, good friends, but I can't fuck him, hell I don't even know if I can kiss him...ugh...what a situation. Wow...crazy stuff. crazy crazy stuff. lol, maybe we won't have to waste time with him after all Lana...it can just be "the girls". I love you girl... I have an early morning....I need to get some sleep...wow....crazy thoughts huh? lol this is what I deserve...Jessica says it all... I sit and wait Does an angel Contemplate my fate And do they know The places where we go When we're grey and old 'Cause I've been told That salvation lets their wings unfold So when I'm lying in my bed Thoughts running through my head And I feel that love is dead I'm loving angels instead And through it all He offers me protection A lot of love and affection Whether I'm right or wrong And down the waterfall Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me When I come to call He won't forsake me I'm loving angels instead When I'm feeling weak And my pain walks down a one way street I look above And I know I'll always be blessed with love And as the feeling grows He breathes flesh to my bones And when love is dead I'm loving angels instead And through it all He offers me protection A lot of love and affection Whether I'm right or wrong And down the waterfall Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me When I come to call He won't forsake me I'm loving angels instead I'm loving angels instead, ohhh oh yeah And through it all He offers me protection A lot of love and affection Whether I'm right or wrong And down the waterfall Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me When I come to call He won't forsake me I'm loving angels instead Searching For on 7/09/2004 10:31:00 PM.
1) Do you remember your first kiss? lol, well actually there were a lot of pain killers going through me and the next day I ended up en el hospital so I have vague memories of it...but never fear, more memorable and fun ones came later
2) How old were you when you had your first kiss? 18...I know I know, how sad and pathetic 3) Where did your first kiss occur? Nosy aren't we? 4) Where do you think is the most romantic place to exchange a kiss? (locations, not body parts)mmm I'm not sure, during a storm is fun, I really think just about anywhere as long as you love the person. 5) What type of kisser are you? (peck, smooch, French, sloppy, etc.) lol why don't you ask who I kiss instead of me? ;-} Searching For on 7/09/2004 08:40:00 PM.
7.08.2004 I miss my darling Searching For on 7/08/2004 10:44:00 PM.
I love this song...
"Here For The Party" Well I'm an eight ball shooting double fisted drinking son of a gun I wear My jeans a little tight Just to watch the little boys come undone Im here for the beer and the ball busting band Gonna get a little crazy just because I can [Chorus] You know im here for the party And i aint leavin til they throw me out Gonna have a little fun gonna get me some You know im here, im here for the party I may not be a ten but the boys say i clean up good And if i gave em half a chance for some rowdy romance you know they would Ive been waiting all week just to have a good time So bring on them cowboys and their pick up lines [Repeat chorus] Dont want no purple hooter shooter just some jack on the rocks Dont mind me if i start that trashy talk [Repeat chorus twice] Searching For on 7/08/2004 04:46:00 PM.
I love my darling. I feel badly, I personally think he needs to relax a little and I know I could certaintly do that. But ugh..I know how feels, I've been there and it STINKS and it's sooo frustrating. I don't want to be just one more stressful thing, you know? My poor baby.
lol Bob and I have great talks about everything and anything. He's gotten me through everything and he was quite the sexy escort for my senior prom. We had so much fun, I wouldn't have traded our fun times for anything. lol I love you hon, you're awesome! Searching For on 7/08/2004 02:05:00 AM.
Entertaining line of the morning.
Leapoffaith17: Explain to me why I want to clean at 12:30 in the morning? Lana13185: Sexual Tension You can't beat it folks.....lol love you Lana Searching For on 7/08/2004 12:44:00 AM.
7.07.2004 Yep, overly-concerned me. Everything is beautiful wonderful. I filled out more applications today, I'm up to something like 29 in 3 days. Not bad eh? But I think I'm going to end up working at the Olive Garden or Fridays. I didn't want to do food but that's not bad food you know? Well I love you all and I've had my freak out of the week so I am going to grab a shower and then begin cleaning. I know it's a bit late to clean but one has to clean sometime and one may as well clean while one is in the mood, even if one IS clean. Orange-glow here I come.
Oh by the way, my parents have turned on the air, I have begin to wear sweats in the house again, feels just like winter! lol. I shouldn't complain. Oh and Lana...let me know whenever you think of something that you WANT to do...not that we'll have a set schedule or anything b/c on vacation having set schedules BLOW. But I mean, so I can get an idea and R/O if I have a job and...well you know. Just like going to the Shakesperian Castle (if you want to go alone with G & G that's cool too) or going to Kohl's or to the outlets (I know how to get there now! lol). Stuff like that. I love you girl, can't wait to see you! Searching For on 7/07/2004 08:23:00 PM.
Still no word from Nate...and I am an even bigger mess. I am BEGGING my stupid cell to ring, begging it. lol, it's not like obsessive stalker scary feelings or anything, it's friendly concern. When my friends fall off the face of the earth I become concerned. I call and if I still can't get them I call around and then I just get a head up there. It's more complicated with Nate of course, to get a hold of him. But I am so worried. Gosh I wish guys would understand that girls worry. lol even when they admitted me to the hospital I told my mom to tell Nate so he wouldn't worry (everyone else knew). I don't like to make people worry because I know how much I hate worrying. Ah well...I need to go find another job....cya later Searching For on 7/07/2004 01:05:00 PM.
Okay I'm almost in tears out of stress. Nate and I were supposed to go out tonight and instead of the promised call or even an email I have...nothing. So I'm whigging out, I'm so afraid something really terrible happened to him. At this point he could call me and tell me that he hates me and I'd feel better. I just want to cry, I'm so...I don't even know what. I'm so WORRIED. God I hope he's okay, let him be okay and me just overreacting Searching For on 7/07/2004 01:48:00 AM.
7.06.2004 Finally a Friday Five worth wasting time on...on Tuesday.
1. Would you rather earn more money or have more time off? At this point and time, earn more money. 2. Which is more important, the ends or the means? Quite Machiavellinian...the means, I've discussed and thought about this question at length...and I have a problem with war.....than I think it's the means....hard question. 3. How are our personalities formed, by nature or through nurture? Nope, you can't MAKE me decided, I'm wishy washy. I've discussed this one with Meg's mom so many times, it's both, it's a combination. 4. Who do you feel closer to, your mother or your father? my father, but I love my mother 5. Why do you answer these silly questions, out of boredom or out of love of introspection? lol, oh I don't even know Searching For on 7/06/2004 05:56:00 PM.
7.04.2004 The longer Nate and I know each other, the more alike we start to get and it frightens me, lol. Okay not really, it's just funny. You know when you start to pick up on your friends favorite phrases and such and you hear the words come out of your mouth but you wonder, where on earth? lol, unfortuantely for me I've only picked up Nate's bad habits, words like yeah, anyways...lol such a murder to the English language. I admit that I find it mildly amusing however. I particurarly love it when he talks like the intelligent human being that he is...but I also realize one spends so much time talking to one's friends that one just gives up on intelligent thought...you have to define too many words. Well I need to call Steph and see when she's heading over to Chris's. lol I'm so pathetic. I might get to see Nate tomorrow! lol I am SOOOO glad we dont' have to plan things like 20 years in advance anymore, I detest that SO. Unless it's like lana...then it's understandable, but my friends, I'm all about it's 6, let's go out at 8, lol. Silly me..... Searching For on 7/04/2004 04:59:00 PM.
Happy 4th of July all
I just realized it's the 4th and as we have no family here...no one is celebrating...sad. I was going to go job hunting today but...it's the 4th, so I suppose I'll go tomorrow. I'm getting stressed about silly things lately. Last night I had more nightmares and unrestful sleep. I had so much running rampant in my head. Let me vent for a moment one of them. ::Begins Vent:: The people you love most...hurt you the most. Not because they mean to or they want to, because they're capable of it, they know where to stick in the knife and twist where it hurts most. And it hurts like HELL to be hurt, but when you forgive this person, you have to give them back your trust as well, or your forgiveness is almost pointless. Okay that's not what I mean...that forgiveness is wonderful, but it doesn't feel...right until they trust you with themselves again. And I won't lie, giving back that TRUST is NOT easy, it's so hard because you're afraid that person is going to hurt you again. But you can't NOT trust that person because they hurt you once. The people you love are going to hurt you. Your future husband or wife...they're going to hurt you eventually, it HAPPENS. You can't just cross them off your list and not tell them how you feel about things, what you're scared of, what you dream of, what you think of and EVERYTHING that makes you, you. It's not fair to say I don't trust people who I open up to after they hurt me with that knowledge. Especially if that person apologizes a hundred times and is sincere and you know they're sincere. Words can't take away actions or things that have happened, I know. And it's not EASY to give back that trust...but someday you're going to HAVE to. Lana and I have hurt each other greatly in the past (generally over things I can hardly recall...but some I can) but we got over it. I love her to death and I confide in her always. She's given me back the trust and I her. You have to trust people and you can't just rule them out. It's hard to forgive, to truly forgive and FORGET, but it's something you HAVE to do. You can't live your life not doing it. It's what life is all about. I wish the person I'm venting about would realize that. I wish this human being would realize how much it HURTS me to not be trusted with his/her thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, etc (yes I know, should have thought about that before I hurt this person...but I'm human and I error...sorry). I know it's not fair for me to ask him/her to forgive me, that I'm on the other side. But I have done nothing but give proof that I would rather die than intentionally hurt this person again and that's NOT an exaggeration. So who thinks I'm on drugs and full of shit and who agrees with me and who's got a totally different take? I'm interested....let me know, I can always use some knocking off my high horse. ::ends venting:: Well I'm off to celebrate my FAVORITE holiday (no joke, I think it's the most importante). Gosh the wind is perfect today, it feels heavenly breezing gently across my body. I'm tempted to go outside and frolick in it just because it's so perfect. It's supposed to storm like madness today so perhaps I'll see Nate, lol. Although we've lost our record, it hasn't rained everytime anymore. Oh well, I'm off to face my demons in the light. I love you all, have a terffic 4th!!! Searching For on 7/04/2004 12:30:00 PM.
7.03.2004 Extreme restless sleep. I went to work out today and it was almost impossible, I had some extreme willpower going on to get through stuff. ugh, I had the nightmares last night, they'd become almost a nonexistant memory, I haven't had them in so long. I do have to say for once though they had me yearning for Nate instead of wanting him to not touch me. At least I've come that far. Well I really have to go get ready for work, I need a shower and everything and I'm already late getting ready. I was hoping for some word from Nate, but I have a feeling he's nursing a slight hangover, although he swears he doesn't get them. Anyway, I love you all and I'm very much so in love with my baby (possessive again today, damn I must stop that).
Blogger ate one of my late night posts. Searching For on 7/03/2004 03:46:00 PM.
7.02.2004 Went shopping with my mom today...CRAZY. I also got my hair chopped off. The short layers were a good call Lana. I really didn't realize I had THAT much hair, like she cut it and it was all on the floor and I was like omg, I still have so much hair left! I like it a lot.
I went to the gap and bought 2 pairs of jeans that look awesome and a tan jacket and some shirts to go with it. Plus another black ummm thing that's held up by my boobs, lol. Easy to take off, you know. lol I LOVE shopping with someone else in mind, it's so much fun! I also bought some more thongs, they are so cute! And something else...my mother dared me...this believes me to think that....my mother KNOWS...and doesn't give a shit. Anyway Have I mentioned how much I adore my baby recently? lol and he even called me baby today! lol, I'm telling you, it's the little things! Well I must go do some things. But.....I love my baby (excuse my possession that I do not rightly have). lol and whatever woman said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...never gave him a blowjob. lol I know I'm going to hell. and I'm kidding, but I keep thinking it...lol...I'm so bad! I used to be good...but...oh well. Searching For on 7/02/2004 09:07:00 PM.
I love my baby, even though he doesn't love me. He cares about me. And his kiss loves me and I love it. I love him, I love him a lot! lol. He's amazing, I'm lucky...and we're wonderful Searching For on 7/02/2004 02:08:00 AM.
7.01.2004 You have to laugh when you hear this song.....or you're just inhuman
(intro) DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAAAAA DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAAAA! Well, I walk into the room Passing out hundred dollar bills And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill And I buy the bar a double round of crown And everybody's getting down An' this town ain't never gonna be the same. (Chorus Cause I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city I make a lot of noise Cause the girls They are so pretty Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy And the girls say Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Everybody says Save a horse, Ride a cowboy Well I don't give a dang about nothing I'm singing and Bling- Blanging While the girls are drinking Long necks down! And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy or my Chevrolet for your Escalade Or your freak parade I'm the only John Wayne left in this town And I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city I make a lot of noise Cause the girls They are so pretty Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy And the girls say Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Everybody says Save a horse, Ride a cowboy (Spoken I'm a thourough-bred that's what she said in the back of my truck bed As I was gettin' buzzed on suds Out on some back country road. We where flying high Fining, whine, having ourselves a good and rich time And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go. But her evaluation of my cowboy reputation Had me begging for slavation all night long So I took her out kicking frogs Introduced her to my old bird dog And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of And we made love And I saddled up my horse and I ride into the city I make a lot of noise Cause the girls They are so pretty Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy And the girls say Save a horse, ride a cowboy. Everybody says Save a horse, Ride a cowboy What? What? Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy Everybody says Save a Horse Ride a cowboy. Searching For on 7/01/2004 11:34:00 PM.
I think last night I had the best time of my life, literally. The amazing dreams I had to follow definitely helped, but wow. I just...gosh. I remember being almost on top of him (lol okay you might want to stop reading, but really PG-13 at most) and kissing him and not being able to stop smiling, like I was that damn happy I just couldn't stop. Even with all the emotions that ran rampart throughout the evening, how upset I was...I couldn't help but fall, terribly fall in love with him again. It just FEELS so right and I'm not talking about my hormones talking, because there is a definite difference. I'm talking that feeling his heartbeat makes shivers run up and down my spine. That kissing him has definitely moved to a new level. He's made me such a passionate kisser and you can gauge my every move but my kisses, it's like a lie dectator if you will. There's a new comfort level between us, at least for me. I keep absolutely nothing from him...God he makes me feel so beautiful. He's so gorgeous. I'm never afraid to admit things to him, ever. Gosh I'm never happier than when I'm in his arms or in his presence. lol if he knew how crazy the little things drove me...you know those little kisses when you're just laying there, breathing, or the way he holds you, or the way touches you. God we were crazy last night. That poor boy has to be so tired today. I had so much explaining to do this morning. I got in at like 2:45, I just...I couldn't go straight home after everything, so I drove for a bit (but not a whole heck of a lot). lol, it was bad....I wanted to just say fuck it and stay out the whole night and maybe the next day and the next day and the next day, but he insisted, although I think I did a pretty good job of delaying him. I used to be selfish until I found out how much more fun it is to please the other (don't get grossed out here folks). I'll give him that he doesn't love me, but he sure as hell cares about me. You can't do what we do and have what we have without caring. Knowing that I love him makes everything easy and him knowing every bit of my innocence and naiveity along the way. God knows I truly love him with everything I have and everything I am, unquestionably, no strings attached, no questions asked. Every night I pray one day he'll realize that he loves me too and I'm not looking for an unanswered prayer here. But he's never lied to me, I know he stopped loving me long ago...but I'll never let go of that hope, I mean he could be married with 5 kids and I'll still think...he could love me, anyday now, lol. One day....maybe I'll find someone better and maybe I'll be happier and maybe I'll finally get over him, or at least settle for second best, but that day is so far beyond my stretch of being right now. I will NEVER regret my first love, ever. If anyone knew how I happy I am, everyday...and when I'm with him, I think my heart will burst. Laughter just bursts out of me, real, honest to goodness laughter that I cannot hold in (it's a good thing he doesn't have a self image problem, because for real I laugh at the worst times sometimes). But I mean...happiness just flows out of me. I don't care what we have, I don't care what we will call it, it's the best damn thing I've ever had. I wish it could go on forever, summer would never end, and he'd realize how much I love him and not want to give that up. But when it does end...I'll have the best days of my life to look back on...and who could ask for more than that? I can't ask him for more than that. I love him so much that I want him to be as happy as he possibly can be, even if it's not with me. But until then...I'm so glad it is with me. I love him more than anyone or anything else in my life and fate and God will handle the rest. Searching For on 7/01/2004 01:48:00 PM.
I've never looked at someone in my life and said "It be so much easier if you just loved me, why can't you just love me?!" I love Nate as much as he doesn't love me. Our relationship is insane....but I'm happy damnit. He makes me so freaking happy. I pray every night for God to make him love me. But I respect that he doesn't much as it hurts....but I still love him and I still think he's the most wonderful thing in the world. But I admit it...I wish he loved me....and I do not want to hear those stupid Garth Brooks lyrics Searching For on 7/01/2004 03:19:00 AM.
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