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6.29.2004 Wow...thank you's...personalized thank you's...if anyone ever says those words to you...shoot yourself. lol. At least they are done, stamped, in their evelopes ready to go...okay so I have the PTO and the Lions Club addresses to get but....I'll take it. I am now getting ready to go to the gym to let my brain kind of relax and let me chill out. I realize that I am on my period and extremely moody, so I'm trying not to shove my crazy emotions on anyone else today. I am so stressed though, I can just feel it seeping through my body and I feel like a time bomb just waiting to go off. Hopefully no one will bug me and I can work out by myself and just let my brain breathe for a bit. lol I hate being like this b/c I know I can snap on Nate very easily without meaning to at all. That is not something I care to do these days. I love that boy. We're going out again tomorrow with my friends again! He's such a sweetheart to love my friends like he does. He's amazing, I'm so lucky! Off to the gym Searching For on 6/29/2004 05:08:00 PM.
6.28.2004 Wow...I so love him. Sometimes I wonder if I love him even more because he doesn't love me. I do wish he would TRUST me though, I mean I can take it and I understand but sometimes I want to shake him and tell him...I am NOT going to hurt you, I PROMISE, I love you, I am not going to hurt you. I want to make all your fears and pain go away, not make them worse. I wish he would let me try one more time. lol, I always hope he will....but one knows, if it was meant to be...it will be. I love us now though and I realize that perhaps we had to go through all the shit we did because we now we're so perfect. We can talk about stuff, serious stuff and both be okay, our moods not swing, our honesty so raw, so trusting (well me at least). I can't help but love him with all that have. Every girl needs her godot.....and mine is that one day it will all work out. Searching For on 6/28/2004 11:43:00 PM.
Wow....yet another amazing night. It only continues to get better. I love him and I'd do anything for him. He's got me wrapped... I do not wear the pants in this relationship, no sir. Searching For on 6/28/2004 01:09:00 AM.
6.27.2004 I love my boy Searching For on 6/27/2004 01:37:00 AM.
6.25.2004 I just took a shower and my face looks human. It's been almost a week since I've been back to the land of the living. Crazy.
You'll have to excuse me, I tried to sleep, but I'm too happy. Anything that feels this good has to be right. I love that boy. I worry....about September. and I remember...Nate and I are not dating, I could find someone at college as could he, hell we could find someone this summer. But...I do love him. And I struggle with is he my this stage in my life love? He makes me so happy that I...college is...college. To go away, to be away from him...is not something I look forward to. It is a long way away so I try not to think about it. But the more important he becomes in my life...the harder time I will have saying goodbye and in fact...I don't know...too much speculation. But when it comes between school and I love, I'll choose love everytime, no matter what. But well......much remains to be seen...to worry now is silly and pointless. Searching For on 6/25/2004 12:47:00 AM.
6.24.2004 Oh my goodness. lol I am GLOWING. I have the best love in the whole world, lol for me anyway. I could dance through the rooftops all night long and smile for days. Who doesn't love a lover that tells you he'd be ticked if you lost weight and that he loves you more than Carrie? lol. Especially if he spends the whole night talking to you when you don't feel well and we were supposed to go out, but instead of going out he talks to you. He so didn't have to do that. He even let me sneak in an "I love you" without complaining. lol we finally discussed the ring so he doesn't whig when it just pops up. (lol one month waiting period....is officially OVER). I am so glowing. He gets me through some of my darkest hours without complaint. I love that boy with all my heart...and I can't help it. lol, he still doesn't have to love me, it's okay, but I most definitely love him. Searching For on 6/24/2004 09:36:00 PM.
Guys seem to have this thing about being devoted.....but not committed around these parts. Sometimes it makes me laugh. I've been told that I have the perfect relationship by many guys, they respect that, "I respect his space, which cracks me up even more. I respect him and his wishes. Whatever makes him happy makes me happy. lol I suppose in a sense I have given in, his happiness often comes before mine. But he makes me so happy and I don't care to give what we have a name. It's so far from perfect it's unreal, but how happy it can make me and how much joy it brings me...it's crazy! Girls witch at me, tell me I've given in. But you know what? Relationships are give and take, they're mistakes and fixing those mistakes. They're saying you're sorry and they're realizing that sorry doesn't cure everything. They're not easy, nobody knows what the right thing to do all the time is, but that's why you're in it together, and as long as you agree that what you're doing is right then, well it will be alright. Names are silly. Do I wish he'd sweep me into his arms and declare I'm the only one for him? Of course, but I'm not going to make him. Right now I know I love him and I want him in my life, in my everyday life, but maybe he's not ready yet, who knows? Together we compromise and we get through everything that way. It's not always easy, there are things I'd rather not tell him that come up. But it's always better when I don't care secrets from him and I'm honest. He is the one person in the world that I will not lie to (I have in the past..and I never will again). Sometimes I wonder if I trust him more or myself. He knows my wildest fears and silliest secrets and thing I'm embarrased of. He's seen me evil, cruel and harsh as well as fun, loving and completely his. I have nothing to hide. What I woke up to post about was really how much I love him and I seemed to have gotten off track, but that's alright, tis just a blog post. But I was falling asleep and it hit me. I really truly do love him again. The type of love that is an emotion that you can't control, no matter how much you want to love someone...you will only love them when your body and mind decide such. Tonight I realized...he's caught me again. I'm under his spell (such a dangerous place) but this time I'm not scared. He's broken my heart before, but going in scared...and only half loving, that's not my style. He can love me as much as he likes, or not at all. I'll still love him. The way he cares about me is amazing, even if it's not love. Fate has been cruel this far...but even fate has to give in eventually. Love is such a wonderful thing....why not embrace it when it comes your way and not worry about other things like titles and relationships? Just embrace and let things go as they do. Who knows, eventually he might realize he loves me....and he might not...but I'll never regret any of this, ever... Searching For on 6/24/2004 02:12:00 AM.
6.23.2004 He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me when a moment came that stopped me on a dime and I spent most of the next days looking at the x-rays Talking bout the options and talking bout sweet time I asked him when it sank in that this might really be the real end how?s it hit you when you get that kinda news man what?d you do and he said I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named BluManchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I?d been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. He said I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn?t and I became a friend a friend would like to have and all the sudden going fishin wasn?t such an imposition and I went three times that year I lost my dad well I finally read the good book and I took a good long hard look at what I?d do if I could do it all again and then I went sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named BluManchu and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I?d been denying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about what?d you do with it what did you do with it what did I do with it what would I do with it? Sky diving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named BluManchu and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I watched an eagle as it was flying and he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying. To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying Searching For on 6/23/2004 05:51:00 PM.
wow, whatever they gave me at the doctor's today, it was some good shit, let me tell you, I just woke up and we got home at like 11, lol. I only had one doctor's appointment today, which I appreciated, considering I woke up sick as a pup and my dad is not the kindest driver to the sick child. My new doctor was, at the least entertaining. He walked in, said hello to my dad, turned and saw me and said (and I quote) "Wow, the sun kicked the shit out of you" He also asked me if I'd ever gotten "shit faced" (as opposed to drunk of course) but he did inform me that it was highly unlikely for me to scar from this, I should feel better in another week and my skin should look normal in a month (that's a long time), but he said I'll stop scaring little children after it finishes peeling and the stuff he gave me to stop the swelling begins to work and then my eyes will start tearing again as well (you never realize how great tears are until you can't have them anymore, I tell you). It was all very interesting. He gave me some drugs sure to make me fat and I almost thanked him for them, told him my membership to the Y needed to be reinforced (sarcasm of course) but dad actually physically kicked me before I got it out. One has to appreciate my frustration though, it's taken me over 6 months to get back into decent shape and I can't enter a gym until my "open wounds" heal. Great, let me get set back again. Come hell or high water I will get rid of the extra weight BEFORE college. Even if I have to have sex every day to work it off (that was a joke friends, laugh). But seriously....SO FRUSTRATING, daddy should have let me say it, I would have felt better. Damn parents for knowing their children so well. He also informed I was not to get "shit faced" at my graduation party b/c of the medication and if I did not take the medication on that day, I would feel worse than hungover the next day. Then he suggested changing the date of my party b/c I'm not going to feel better by then and I'm sure as hell not going to look any better. I was like oh....well...thank you. I guess my dad ran that past my mom while I was sleeping and she almost killed him, of course this was after he informed her that he had to replace the sump pump again today and had charged it, I mean even I could use better timing than that. lol. goodness. Searching For on 6/23/2004 05:35:00 PM.
6.22.2004 Well if truth be known and I stop trying to pretend everything's okay...I'm scared out of my wits. I have more doctors appointments tomorrow, my eyes keep swelling. God I look like a burn victim. They're afraid of "permanent damage" scarring. God I'm so terrified. I'm so ugly. My mom is talking of calling off my party. I get sick everytime I eat, I can't work out, I can't do anything. My face has begun to peel and it just burns worse. I have wrinkles...God old woman wrinkles. I am so UGLY. I can't even cry right, my eyes are so swollen and it hurts. I'm so so scared. I can't deal with permanent scaring. No one will ever look at me again and think me desirable. They'll be appalled. I'm tired of feeling sick, but I could take feeling sick and throwing up everything in sight if I wasn't so frightful looking. I'm hideous. I'm so scared. I'm 18, I'm not supposed to have to worry about this. I'm so ugly, I'm so scared. Searching For on 6/22/2004 06:34:00 PM.
6.21.2004 Yes definitely I love my baby, unquestionably and full heartedly. He makes my world turn (lol, sooooo cheesy, I know). All he has to do is call me darling and I'm done, I'm set back in some 1920's swing club with my heart stolen. We in love concert choir girls have discussed it at length, there is nothing more romantic than 1920's swing and jazz music. Take us to a club like that with dark lighting and music and we're gone.
I love him, forever and for always. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me or is afraid to admit that he loves me. He cares about me. ::does little dance:: I love him more than anything. --->Officially back on cloud 9, horrid sunburn and all<---- Searching For on 6/21/2004 10:01:00 PM.
I think.....because I cannot do much else at this time. Do we love one person our whole lives, or are our lives full of different relationships and define the different phases in our lives? (I mean lovers, boyfriends, fiancees.....that sort of thing). I don't know. Do we find someone and then leave them and regret it for the rest of our lives? Do I love Nate now and in college I'll love someone else, just the same?
I wonder. I started thinking about this because Saturday at our tournament I was hiding under Sanchez, Jenn's Mexican blanket, in order to hide from the heat and Kevin told me to scoot over and stop hogging it and I replied with some lippy remark and then he was like no, I'm serious, so I did and I was just laying there with my head in my arms because I was tuckered out, we had played like 4 games and I smelled and I was hot and tired...and didn't think a thing about it b/c we had been hitting around earlier and he had me crying with laugher and well...I mean I won't like, I've had a teeny tiny crush on him since I met him (he's a chemistry major with 2 jobs and a year on me, he loves volleyball as much as I do, he's awesome at it, not cocky and I spend my Friday and Saturday nights with him, on the court and out afterwards, what straight girl wouldn't have a teeny tiny crush?) But we were under the blanket and he ran he fingers down the line (you girls, know chest to ass) and I waited to feel something, anything...a tiny heart flutter, a lustful flutter...repulisiveness. Instead I almost started crying because I hadn't seen Nate in what felt like forever and I missed him. And I was like uh-oh. Being that attached scares me sometimes b/c I know it's led me to do stupid things in the past. But I just.....I guess I was expecting to feel SOMETHING and I felt nothing. Kevin is an attactive guy that shares at least 3 of my passions, kids, volleyball and chemistry. But nothing...I just missed Nate more. Is that because he's the love of my life? Or he's the love of my life now? Or is it purely physical? I wonder.....I wonder how this love stuff goes. One day when I'm 80, I'm going to write a book about it and help out some poor confused teenager like myself...lol Searching For on 6/21/2004 05:29:00 PM.
Ouch...I have serious, blistering, eyes swelled shut (okay well obviously they are a bit open currently), but it has been a hell of few days. This is one of the first times I've been up, with the acception of me writing a few emails to Nate. I haven't seen him in forever and I miss him so much. Last night in the ER even though I was so gross I actually wanted him there, just to hold my hand as I thought my flesh was going to burn off. Ugh, it was so gross, it is so gross. I tried to wash some of the goop off my face and caught skin, but the skin underneath isn't ready either, it's so gross and hurts. At that point I took another painkiller and tried to go back to sleep. My mom's freaking about me being dehydrated. I just hurt, my shoulders and my face, God I am so hideous, it's seriously disgusting. I am so gross though, I look like the elephant woman. My skin has finally stopped burning constantly, but that could be the painkillers. I'm not one bit hungry and when I do eat I tend to throw up and I sleep all the time and I'm so gross. I'm terrified I'm going to scar from this and be so ugly. My party is Saturday and I look a mess. I am a mess. Searching For on 6/21/2004 04:22:00 PM.
6.18.2004 So I promised myself I wouldn't blog again today....and look where I am. But I went shopping! and girls love to tell what they get when they go shopping. I went shopping with my mommy too, it was a lot of fun.
I got a new towel and bathing suit (I got bikini bottoms ::gasps:: it's a great suit though, I'm not quite ready to wear it in public, but give me 2 weeks or another month tops) at Kohls, oh and the perfect sunglasses. Then we went off to Victoria's Secrets. I fell in love with the second Sexy, I bought a set, with perfume, body wash and lotion and my mom bought me the powder. I also bought some lip shimmers that I thought tasted good (like the old kind) yeah they DONT (Waste of $10). I wanted this big make-up thing but it was $80, although it was good stuff...I need to go make-up shopping.... I also bought a few thongs, blacks and reds appropriately (thank you so much Lana for the tips, I though of you when I saw a few that were just like...why wear anything?). lol, somebody had better appreciate them. My mom just laughed, she's a good person you know? Then we headed off to the Gap, where I picked up another pair of denimn capris, a lighter pair. They were on sale and they fit so, eh. We're going to the outlet so I held off on purses and flip flops, although the gap has some amazing flip flops. I also got the coolest top at Learner, it's black and white and it ties and shows off my cleavage to a good extent, but not enough to be terribly slutty. It's tasteful. I wanted some new black capris, but I couldn't find any that mom and I agreed on. I need something to wear my new top with. I also need some red flip flops and some new nail polish. I'm contemplating a haircut, I was last time...I like my hair the way it is except it doesn't really do anything and it's still half dyed. If it were all one color it would be different. Plus in all my pictures it's cute in short layers. Decisions, decisions.....lol. But it was a fun shopping day and I accomplished my goal in all but the pants and I'm contemplating wearing either my black ones or my dark denimn ones with my new cleavage showing shirt. I do love NY & Company b/c everytime I go in there they have at least one shirt that is very flattering on me and I always buy it, whether it's on sale or not. (Well I have black and silver one...not high on my list). The Limited is the same way, in fact my mom was going on about this black top I just had to have and it was the one I had bought last week! lol we agreed! Amazing! lol, I did accomplish my goal though. I can wear my cleavage shirt, my "very sexy" scent, the new vic's wear, the black sunglasses, with smoldering eyes topped with liquid black eye liner with deep red lipstick that matches the pedicure with my new very high heeled black sandals, hair sleeked back in the sophisicated bun and the slightly see-through black skirt. If that doesn't scream, "I'm sorry...and I'm all yours", I don't know what does.... Searching For on 6/18/2004 10:22:00 PM.
Well. My mom came in at 8 this morning to tell me where she was going and I was so confused why she was telling me, but whereever she and my daddy went, they went for awhile. I do not have to work today which was a suprise so now I am going Victoria Secret's shopping and some other mall shopping, lol. I'm calling it make up shopping. I've been a terror all week to Nate, so I can devote a few hours and an outfit to him. lol, you know one of those ones you wouldn't necessarily pick out yourself but you know he'll love. Actually sometimes I swear I could wear a box and that would be good for him Currently I am waiting for my practice clothes in the washer though =-(. Our first tournament in the morning! Nothing is planned, I have no idea where it is, lol, I just know how to play volleyball. Seems fishy eh? lol, naw, Dan hates me now, he's hardly civil, so it's all good. I have a slew of graduation parties tomorrow as well, Bob's, Chris's, Carrie's, etc etc...lol okay those are between Saturday and Sunday, I keep messing them up. Well it's about time for me to get finish getting ready and calling my parents to see where they are. Love you all
I am blog-a-holic...I wonder if they have a rehab group for us yet? Searching For on 6/18/2004 12:46:00 PM.
6.17.2004 I feel better. I laughed a lot tonight with a friend....and it made the whole picture a lot clearer. And Nate apologized...for one of the first times in a long time. and my heart melted. I care for him greatly and I'm not letting him go anytime soon. He's amazing, I'm lucky he keeps me around.....and well.....that's all folks Searching For on 6/17/2004 01:04:00 AM.
6.16.2004 So I'm tired of being philosophical and thinking and all that jazz. I would like to go back to the boringness of everyday life.
I have to tell you....I AM BORED. It's not like.....I'm bored because I don't go places or see people or do things, I do. My brain is BORED. For the first time ever I MISS MATH CLASS! okay I miss calculus. I know I should be shot...but my brain....it longs for something to truly think about, something to do. My job doesn't require my brain, I have no volleyball. Okay I have volleyball, but it doesn't count. It's fun but it's not the same and it's on weekends. Yo soy muy abburido. I don't miss the insaneness and the rushedness. I miss the quiet thinking calculus, the simple steps, the methodness, the way it always had answers. It's been slightly over 2 weeks and I want to shoot my brains out. Okay not really but I need SOMETHING. Intelligent conversation....thought provoking....SOMETHING. I have been reading up a storm but cannot find anything that good. lol I'm done complaining. I never thought I'd be bored, I can hardly believe it Searching For on 6/16/2004 08:00:00 PM.
6.15.2004 So....::breathes:: I am trying not to be rash, but the final realization that the 12 year old me would kick my ass has truly set me into some thought. Plus all of my wonderful friends (Chris, Bob, Diana, John) have persuaded me against going with Nate again. I thought I loved him and I honestly thought if I did everything right this time he would have to love me....or that he really did love me and he just didn't want to admit it. I don't know. I need to think....but not think about it you know? Nate needs to feel what it's like when I'm not here all the time, waiting for him. He never asked me to, I just always have. He needs to feel what it's like to not hear from me for a few days and not know why. I'm not angry, I just think he doesn't understand and talk is cheap. I can't even tell him I'm upset. I've been playing the, "I'll be your perfect angel" game for so long, I can't even begin to understand me anymore, he doesn't even know I'm upset! I can't tell him ::red flag:: I think I just need some time away to remember about my life...about MY friends, about John and Diana and Chris (God I was soooooo tempted to go see Chris tonight and cry on his shoulder or perhaps just completely ignore it and have a good time....as FRIENDS mind you, but I didn't want to confuse him or mess up him and Steph). I just need some time away....so we had plans to go out tomorrow night with Rachel and a friend of his. He didn't even NOTICE that I said I was on call tomorrow! He just went ahead with the plans.....but he has keys to an empty apartment and GOD I AM SO TEMPTED TO JUST GO! But I told him "I had something come up" which is not a lie, I do...my emotions have come up and I need to deal with them before I fuck him because I want to, because I can and because he's there. I actually want to stop thinking about, stop stressing about him like i have been for what feels like way too long and just get my own life back on track. I'm not ignoring my friends for him, or being home to be alone to his every beck and call, if he can't call my cell when he needs something then too bad. If he can't hold my hand in public, than I can't fuck him in private. I will not be treated like a whore, forget it. I don't care how you feel about your private life being private, no guy is WORTH that. I feel more like independent me and that scares me, b/c I didn't like that me....but I just...I don't think it's right. It might feel great, he's a great "lover" and a sweet one....but I am not a whore and I refuse to be treated like that. I don't know what to do, I'm torn. If I tell him we're through.....it'll be over forever...but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I have NO idea what to do, none nada, zilch, absolutely NONE. I am open to advice, I realize in the end I have to make my own decision, but really guys....advice never hurt anything or anything...please feel free to give me some. I know at least I'm not making any rash decisions and I'm giving it a few days in any case, he's sure to know somethings up, but I just can't handle it. Maybe I'm being silly and overreacting...and in a few days I'll feel very foolish for making such a big deal out of such a little thing...but....I think I need some time to realize whether or not I'm being foolish...anyway, I love you all so much, you're all amazing, feel free to leave me some advice, some love...a time to get together and go clubbing. I wanto go clubbing.....I need to get away from him for a bit......just so I know... Searching For on 6/15/2004 11:25:00 PM.
So I here sit feeling a little foolish. Perhaps more than a little. If truth be known, he never lied to me, but I am female...and I always hoped that this time, this time things would be different. This time if I did everything right, and I did everything he asked even if I didn't agree with it, even if I didn't want to...gosh that's so pathetic. My 12 year old self would kick my ass for thinking that, for going along with that. But it's so hard, at some point he did capture my heart and he's hurt it quite a few times...and I've hurt his as well. But recently I seem to be on the receiving end more often than my 12 year old self would like. But instead I smile, say it's okay, I just overreacted, kiss away his fears. Whisper to him what he wants to hear and keep telling myself that someday he's going to realize how great I am and how much I love him. And then I start to think, well maybe I'm not so great, b/c if I were that great, he'd have to love me right? So I nod more, talk less, stop having my own opinions...yes ma'am......my 12 year old self would so kick my ass...which one of us is right? My 18 year old self or my 12 year old self? I know not...probably neither, one day my 80 year old self might be right though....and she will look back and smile, laugh, or cry....who knows? I do believe, I need a new chapter in my life however, a new chapter with a new love, someone I truly love...not wait....somone I love and someone who loves me back. Nate and I don't have to end, b/c he's never lied...but I think my attachment has to....b/c it hurts too much that he doesn't love me and never will, no matter how perfect I try to be for him. And I don't want to lose me for a love that I have to beg for. Even my 18 year old self won't do that. Maybe I'll feel differently about everythign tomorrow, or an hour for now.....but right now that's how it is, much as I almost wish it weren't. I wish I were stilling getting patted on the head....good doggie, good doggie, don't make waves. Dear God, my 12 year old self would so kick my ass.....
I love you Is all that you can't say A year gone by and still Words don't come easily Like I love you, I love you But you can say baby Baby can I hold you tonight If I told you the right words At the right time... Searching For on 6/15/2004 04:20:00 PM.
And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to go through To get me to you Oh heavens. I hate being emotional, it completely exhausts you, every part of you. Honestly, birth control is a great thing....after it's been in your system for over a month, until then...it'll throw you into like permanent PMS, makes you breakout like a fiend... It's like having those I'm crying for no reason and every reason moments for a month and they blindside you on some idle Monday night when your sweetheart is trying to be himself and you question everything he does and says. I swear for the first month, women should go into dark padded rooms and just be allowed to cry, b/c it feels like that is all you do. It's almost like a constant building up of stress and you're just going to topple right out of it. lol, month two is like a dream, you stop sobbing all the time and such. ::breathes:: I will be okay, things are okay, I am wonderful, Nate is extremely wonderful...the sun came out today. (although the shit might hit the fan when he does some reading). I love you baby, I'm sorry that I've been such a terror lately. I bit my mom and my dad's heads off yesterday (which almost got me killed in any case anyone wondered). Like I said, padded walls, no windows, darkness. lol. I think I'll try a long hot bath, candles, music, darkness and a cute romance novel (my new guilty pleasure, they're so corny). Perhaps it's a good thing we decided to not go to the Lake today, I might have freaked on Meghan and heaven knows, we don't need that. Well I am off, mom and dad have my day packed today, I think Cindy and Bob are coming over this evening or tomorrow evening or some such..anyway, I am off. I love you all here with me and this price you pay just a wishful dream could be blown away ask yourself for better or worse because what's the use if it's just good luck a black cat has crossed my path tell me what's good luck about that chorus: hate and greed swollen and sweet let's start this misery if that's where you wanna be fear and love from down or form up above come to me come to me i bet you please come set me free excuse me please for my definition but deeper still are my convictions urgently i wait to hear an answer while i misconduct a sad lost anthem an anthem like you have never heard have you heard something so absurd ~Black Crowes (another new guilty obsession) Searching For on 6/15/2004 12:48:00 PM.
6.14.2004 So...I feel overly hurt right now. When I joked about keeping a 10 foot radius in front of his friends...Nate goes off and says....(and I quote) "but as for PDA im not all about it honestly i feel wierd just holding hands in front of my friends ten foot radius is not necisary but as far as they know we are just friends so that would be kinda wierd and im pretty private about my private life so they dont know anything and i like to keep things that way i guess its just how i am." okay. so...I read it, over and over again, trying to get my thoughts straight and instead...I'm really hurt. So I can be your little whore in private but not in the public eye? I mean...I don't know how to take that. I'm so hurt by it...I could honestly cry my eyes out. Maybe I'm overreacting, I'm trying really hard here...but.....okay OWWW! Well here goes.....offically off cloud 9.... Searching For on 6/14/2004 10:44:00 PM.
Well I, I still can remember times
When the night seemed to surround me I was sure the sun would never shine on me And I, I thought it my destiny To walk this world alone But now you're here with me Now you're here with me And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to get through To get me to you To get me to you Well I, I still can recall the days When I had no love around me Makes me glad for every day I have with you And I, I look in your eyes and know I'm right where I belong And I belong with you Always belonged with you And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to go through To get me to you To get me to you And if I could I wouldn't change a thing Wouldn't change a thing baby Because your love was waiting there for me Waiting there for me baby And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry Some of those times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was just something that I had to get through To get me to you To get me to you Searching For on 6/14/2004 10:17:00 AM.
Sorry, I'm full of quotes today, but my favorite Reagan quotes are priceless.....
"Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have." "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on from them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free." "People don't start wars, governments do." Searching For on 6/14/2004 07:49:00 AM.
Sorry, I'm full of quotes today, but my favorite Reagan quotes are priceless.....
"Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have." "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on from them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free." "People don't start wrds, governments do." Searching For on 6/14/2004 07:49:00 AM.
I still love this poem.......I fell in love with it in 11th grade Honors English......that woman made us appreciate poetry, whether we wanted to or not.
"Tell them dear, that if eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being: Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose! I never sought to ask, I never knew: But, in my simple ignorance suppose The selfsame power that brought me there brought you." -Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Rhodora And who could hate Robert Frost? Particurarly this well known favorite... "The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening Searching For on 6/14/2004 07:40:00 AM.
Ahh well....someone needs to explain to me why at 7am on an idle Monday before which I fell asleep at 4am, my body decides it is going to be WIDE AWAKE. Ah well, I need to wash clothes and get some things accomplished before going to work out with Rachel and going to work this evening. I get to close today for the first time, how exciting eh?
Lana mentioned the other night, (offhandly) that she could go to OSU for pharmacy. I have always held Lipscomb University in the back of my mind, if I were stronger minded in my faith, or I was of the same faith, it would be a stronger option. Also if I could move that far away from my baby, my second family would be there, so it would be a tough move, but not an impossible one....excluding Nate not being there. But wow. that just made me think. All these years Lana has been one of my very bestest friends, there for me when very few were, through just about everything. Oh of course we went through some ugly times and she always is one step ahead of me in fashion, but in the end...it always ends up very ironic. Things I had wrongly condemmed her for...I often found myself making the same decisions or dealing with the same issues down the road. I'm hoping that I have learned my lesson the hard way and that I no longer condemn her at all, no matter what. We are getting the stage in life where we are almost identical (well as identical as we can be...considering a ton of things), I still have college to slush through but...some things we still come up the same. Some things make me laugh, like our obsession with black and red as the coolest colors of our wardrobes, or our chapstick obsessions. We've been through a lot I'd have to say and I love that girl as she if she were my own sister, she really is the sister I never had. She was the only person I ever confessed my extreme (and silly, but not to me then) fear of sex to, my feelings on my friends and high school and what to do about this and that. I couldn't live without her. Sometimes I get very frustrated b/c we do live such different lives, so very FAR away from each other. I used to think we'd come together in college or not long after and my heart aches for us to. I want our children to be raised together so badly! I am starting to realize that so much goes into a decision like that however. In my perfect world, she and Tim would come to OSU...but that is so much to ask, such a step, one I do not think I would be able to take, situations reversed. Would it be one of the most wonderful things in the world? Yes...yes I do believe it would. Even though we would annoy each other and drive each other crazy...she is my sanity, she knows what it is like to be a female in the family that we are in. She UNDERSTANDS when no one else can. I love you girl. And I am done rambling for the morning. I love you all as well. Have a marvelous Monday all~ Searching For on 6/14/2004 07:28:00 AM.
6.13.2004 Nobody’s gonna kill your dreams
or tell you how to live your life. There’ll always be people who make it hard for a while, but you'll change their heads when they see you smile. Lana might be coming in August. That would be make me unfathomably happy. I honestly do believe God put her on this earth so that I would not go crazy. It's like this force I can't control, about every 6 months kicks in and it's like...NEED LANA...NEED LATE NIGHT CHATS...NEED POINTLESS SHOPPING...NEED FRUIT SMOOTHIES. Honestly, I can't live without the girl. I feel...ugh. Like I want to crawl into a tiny little ball, lay in my room and contemplate life in pure darkness. I am already tired of summer...and it has only been 13 days. Not that I want to go back to school...but I feel like I have no purpose. I mean work, I work out, I visit my family, I clean the house, wash clothes. Maybe it's because I haven't seen my friends as of late. I always seem to be working or at practice when they go out. ::sighs:: perhaps I'll see Diana and John this week and Rachel wants to go out with a friend of Nate's on an odd double. I ALMOST don't want to see Nate b/c I am in such the bad mood and I CAN'T SHAKE IT! I feel like I have very little contact with people (I know and I work with the public) that I care a lot about. I hardly talk to my parents...I have nothing to say. I'm 18, isn't this supposed to be the best time of my life? or at least the most exciting? I feel like I'm 70 retired with NOTHING to do. I'm just so bored and I hate to complain of the boredom. I wish I could go see Lana and chill out for a little bit or something. Not even chill out, I do enough of that. Just get out...I'm tired of reading, of TV, of the internet. BAHHHHHH I NEED SOMETHING TO DO that makes me feel USEFUL and not terribly STRESSED. Heavens, I'm done ranting, it does no good... Searching For on 6/13/2004 01:22:00 PM.
6.11.2004 Have I mentioned that I absolutely LOVE my darling? He makes me the happiest girl in the world. I am the luckiest... Searching For on 6/11/2004 11:37:00 PM.
Work...practice...dinner...shower...and here I am. It was the most competitive vollyeball game I've played in a long time. It was amazing, but I am so tired. Kevin almost took out my pelvis, I honest to goodness thought it was a goner. It was one of those plays were had I fabulously quick feet, but my arms were not quite there yet, so there I was in position to get my baby maker wacked. Thank goodness for small miracles (I caught the ball with my knees). I am very very tired. and somewhat cranky. I want to see my baby! I want to fall asleep in his arms and let my troubles fall away. Or at least a massage every muscle in my body aches... Okay so my troubles won't fall away, but at least I could forget them for a bit. I am exhausted and cranky, can you tell? I just really want to see my baby overwhemling much. I'm high mantaince, I need to be held and kissed and loved. I feel like crashing right now, crawling up to my bed and sleeping until 1 tomorrow. Instead I'm going to crawl to the couch and pretend to read until I at least hear from Nate, at which point I'll be so tired and cranky, he'll get mad at me b/c I'll be witchy...bah....sleep sounds good Searching For on 6/11/2004 10:50:00 PM.
6.10.2004 The Luckiest
I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it every day. And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest. What if I'd been born fifty years before you in a house on a street where you lived? Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike, would I know? And in a wide sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize. And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest. I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties and one day passed away in his sleep. And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong, that I know that I am, I am I am the luckiest. Searching For on 6/10/2004 11:20:00 AM.
1. If the world were to suddenly end right now, what do you wish you would have done? loved and been loved in return to the fullest, had children, raised children, gotten married, discovered a cure for asthma, cancer, AIDS, etc.
2. How many times do you hit the snooze button before getting out of bed? I tend to wake up before the damn thing goes off in the first place, if it does go off...I won't hear it, my parents shall wake me up. 3. What cartoon do you enjoy watching from the present (or the past)? Garfield and Friends (I agree with Lana, it's the best) 4. If you could go to any time and/or place in history, where/when would it be? Back to Ben Franklin's time of course! He's my hero! I love him! actually I think it would be really cool to see minds like his at work and people striving for somethign they believe in so much they would die for it....I love that era. 5. If your life were a movie, what would it be rated and why? R for my insane life, my occasional off the edge swearing rages, extreme violence, fits of anger, lack of clothing, serious issues.....lol, never mind, let's rate it G and just have me smile and make jokes... Searching For on 6/10/2004 11:01:00 AM.
6.09.2004 So I gave into the sleep demon and got up. Not that I shouldn't be getting up at normal hours and engaging in something useful, you see I realize this, BUT my sleep is so RESTLESS lately. I have this wicked nightmares and then I wake up to an empty house. It's an ugly combination.
I got my first sunburn and mosquito bite yesterday after finally learning how to cut the grass and then doing so...a great way to start the summer dontcha think? Laying out......has it's nicities, but it also has its annoyances, like mosquito bites and tan lines. I suppose really, the tan lines are only going to show in my bathing suit, which is TINY anyway, so they're only going to show in the front b/c I just untie it when I'm on my stomach. But it's so hot and miserable to lay out. I know, I know, so don't do it, but I've gotten used to being tan. I suppose I shouldn't complain, only one person is truly going to see my tan lines and I am sure it won't bother that person one bit. I worked out for a good four hours yesterday, it felt good. BUT Dan was there.....the whole time. Okay he gave me about 5 minutes worth of peace on the ab machines. Yes, sometimes it makes time go faster, but sometimes I just want to put on the headphones and let my mind GO. Yesterday was a perfect example of such. I had had a glorious evening and I wanted to let my realm of memory explore it as it wanted to, to fade in and out and let my body relax while my mind wandered wherever it had the urge. I did not have this luxury as Dan occupied my time. You know...I humour Dan and have since April, but one would assume...if one was turned down since March and one comes in with a few obvious hickies and slightly mentions that she was out with her ex-boyfriend the night before...okay so guess don't ASSUME, they are told (at least, this is what my darling tells me), but I HATE to tell. I hate to break guys hearts, but there comes a line that I will not cross. I can flirt and flounce to a certain extent and then I'm done. Nate makes my head spin, my world turn and my heart happy. It's been over a year! We've been through everything...I LOVE HIM! He makes me glow for days and yes I yearn for him and I hate not seeing him everyday and not waking up beside him every morning, but I'll pay those consequences. Someday perhaps. But my point is, I'm happy with Nate and our nonrelationship. I am allowed to seek if I wish it, this I know...but I'm not interested in Dan, never have been. I love Nate, and that is my final answer. Searching For on 6/09/2004 09:20:00 AM.
6.08.2004 So I was supposed to work yesterday...greaaaaaaaat. What a lovely first impression I have made! They said they'd call me Sunday and when they didn't...I gave a day's leway....right and I was supposed to work! I feel like such an ass. In any case, I have to work tomorrow, 3-7 (20 hour weeks are horrible). I also get to work Saturday from 2-7, which is Nate's party...nice nice nice. FABULOUS.
okay I'm done complaining about the job I have no yet started. Actually, I'm not really complaining about the job itself, more the fact that I was supposed to work yesterday and did not. And missing Nate's graduation party, yes I am not happy about that. I was still unsure whether or not I was going until Sunday night, when I finally realized he really does care about me, more than I ever imagined. But we both realize, as soon as we begin to actually date each other, it's like signing a death warrant. We hate each other and we fight and it's just horrible. So I'll take this nonrelationship and refer to him as my nonboyfriend, because really...we're just feeling how we feel....and not calling it anything, we are devoted, but we are not committed. But we are completely honest and truthful. I'll never regret any part of our relationship...I once thought I would, the fighting...and all the stupid things I did. I suppose I do on some level because I regret that I hurt him. But I don't regret everything I learned from that hell, even when I wanted to die. I trust him with everything I have, everything I am. Things have reached the complete comfort level, where you've stopped worrying about running out of things to talk about or you'll say something that will offend the other. lol, hell, we intentionally pick on each other. I have this new theory....I agree with good ol' John Milton...you cannot truly experience extreme happiness until you experience extreme suffering. I finally get it Chiarillo! lol. Oh dear, I meant to post all about work.....and look where I ended up. I've got him on the brain it seems. I am nervous about working tomorrow however, wish me luck! I love you Lana Searching For on 6/08/2004 12:32:00 PM.
"Seven Years"
Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song A little girl with nothing wrong Is all alone Eyes wide open Always hoping for the sun And she'll sing her song to anyone that comes along Fragile as a leaf in autumn Just fallin' to the ground Without a sound Crooked little smile on her face Tells a tale of grace That's all her own Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song A little girl with nothing wrong And she's all alone Searching For on 6/08/2004 11:37:00 AM.
Another wonderful evening. I love that boy, he is absolutely amazing. I am completely his...if only he knew that he had me wrapped around his litte finger! lol, I'll never tell (like he hasn't figured it out).
Yes...I love him. Searching For on 6/08/2004 12:56:00 AM.
6.07.2004 Have I mentioned that I have the greatest nonboyfriend ever? Seriously, EVER. I will never try to keep something from him again. He has made me the happiest girl in the world tonight. He gave me exactly what I needed to know and exactly what I wanted...he's amazing. Searching For on 6/07/2004 12:46:00 AM.
6.06.2004 Well...I graduated. lol, it's still surreal. I'm still thinking about what I'm doing tomorrow, how I need to go for a jog this evening, la dee-dah. I had a fabulous day with my family. Truly...my family...is amazing. My crazy Aunt Melanie is awesome woman, the olde I get, the more I love her and find her more and more fascinating. Well...it is time for me to go jog a bit. Love you all Searching For on 6/06/2004 10:15:00 PM.
6.05.2004 Well...
I had some freakish dreams last night. Crazy, crazy stuff. Scary stuff. Woke up crying. I'm starting to wonder if that's normal. Do normal people freak that much after nightmares? I mean, my nightmares are pretty scary and too close to reality for comfort, but really...I do wonder... Anyway, I got my haircut today, I just got it trimmed, had some fabulous conversation with Kris, really she is an amazing woman. Decided on the trim because daddy told me not to cut it, but he's always told me that. My dad has been imparting some advice lately that has had me rolling on the ground in laughter because I told him I kept getting advice from people I didn't want it from...not that I'm knocking advice...but I'm not taking it from the town drunk you know? Saw HP last night...it was fantastic, although I am disappointed in Dumbledore. He spoke in too many riddles...to complex for my brain to keep up. Definitely missing Nate, it's great that my family is coming in, Aunt Mellie is here and I'm so glad. Phil & Jenny are coming as well. I am blessed with a fabulous family and I love them completely, they're the greatest. But I'm nevertheless missing Nate. I am so clingy, I know I know, I know. I would change it if I cared that much, or if it bothered him...but I just want to see him like NOW. Seriously, I've about had it, either I'm moving in with him or he's moving in with me. I can throw my life out the window and start anew, I'm not picky about that. I am picky about my guys though and I happen to like this one bestest. Bah-humbug. Well I am going to church with the family this evening and then to get white shoes for tomorrow. I don't even want to graduate tomorrow, I just don't care, I really do not and I know that's a terrible attitude to have, but...I don't care. I want to see my baby (yep possessive today) and that's on the top of my list right now. Plus I never really did give 2 shits about graduation. Ceremonies kill me, I wonder if I'll even enjoy my own wedding...I think so, I enjoyed Phil's. Anyway I must go! Church. Love you all Searching For on 6/05/2004 04:22:00 PM.
6.03.2004 Last week's Friday Five
1. What is your favorite childhood memory? Wow there a ton...Saturday trips with G & G, being at Lana's, tromping through the woods with Phil... 2. If you could be reincarnated as anything besides human, who would you want to be? A dog, hands down 3. If you had to start your life all over, what are three things you would change? Wow...umm...wow. Off the top of my head, I wouldn't have been a devil child to my parents (i.e. various hospital stays for various eating disorders), I would have always been an angel to Nate, and hmm, let's get rid of my back surgrey and send me to a good school instead. 4. If you had to forget everything in your life, except one thing, what would it be? wow..wow..this is too hard... I just don't know... 5. Do you have a lucky charm? Yes I do, but it wouldn't be lucky if I told you! Searching For on 6/03/2004 05:22:00 PM.
I spent this morning/afternoon out puttering around in the flower beds, it wasn't all that bad..although I know have the most attractive tan lines ever, haha. I am on a Kenny G kick...Lana's got me addicted. Forever in Love...orgasmic and I HATE music without words. Try it...if everyone listened it would destress the world....well I'm off to play some volleyball for the last time with my girls =-( Love you all Searching For on 6/03/2004 01:43:00 PM.
6.02.2004 UGH I am mad at myself! Nate and I were joking around and I turned it serious and really made a mess. Somehow...he asked me if there was anything that would break down my barriers faster (he was curious...he doesn't want to get into my pants that badly that he's pressuring me, so don't think such). Anyway, I'm on this...."I don't lie to him" thing because lying to him only screws things up. So I don't lie, I say well there is one thing, but I can't tell you or that would end us, and it's not that big of a deal, so don't worry about it. Well he whigs and comes up with some terrible stuff and I'm like no, seriously don't worry about it. But we know each other too damn well to know that the other will worry. And now I just feel guilty. I mean, I thought it was pretty damn obvious, he'd figure it out and immediately drop our relations and I can't do that. I am content with what we're doing, I am perfectly happy, perfectly okay with it. But my barriers would go down more quickly if HE LOVED ME and I knew that HE LOVED ME. It's so not rocket science. But I know that will send him running for the hills and he'll think he's hurting me again, when he's not. I am okay, I am content. But yes, I wish that he loved me. Now he feels like I'm keeping something from him and it's all a big mess.
Oh and the irony...I just commented that we never fight anymore. We're not really fighting...neither of us is angry. I just feel GUILTY..so guilty...I should have kept quiet. I know he doesn't want a relationship, I promised him that was fine, that is fine...I just...it's easier when I know he loves me....but that thought right there....will send us right back straight into friendship and I can't handle that either. Crap.....I shouldn't have said anything. Bah humbug Searching For on 6/02/2004 10:36:00 PM.
HAHA...here are some bad jokes...smile guys...
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive... highly unlikely. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Smile. It either makes others feel good or makes them wonder what you're up to Searching For on 6/02/2004 04:04:00 PM.
~Things Lana has imparted on me~
1. You can touch lizards, they are gross, but you can touch them 2. Flared/bootcut leg jeans are cool 3. Red and black are the colors of champions and NO wearing all black does not mean I'm in mourning, it means I like the color black and I realize how great of a color it is. Red is not just the color of vanity...but we do look amazing in it ;-} 4. The value of mosturizing your skin even if it is oily...just buy the right moisturizer. 5. One must use HOT water to clean the kitchen...cold doesn't kill germs. 6. Dancing is all about the fun YOU'RE having 7. A few words of advice...never underestimate it being Phil in the weightroom with the fart extinguisher 8. Relationships have their ups and downs, their fights and their incredible moments. They are never perfect, but that doesn't mean that you give up on the one you love and punish them for the imperfection. Instead you embrace it, you love it and you learn to look past it. Love is that acceptance and that looking past, not perfection. 9. Chapstick is a neccessity and yes I realize that I smeared it around my lips, I did not miss, but thank you for sharing. When using chapstick, it is imparitive that you surround the whole lip area and keep it moisturized... 10. Shopping days are for the girls and don't neccesarily mean you shop all day. It means we go out, GAB, EAT and walk and look. We buy the good buys and can get excited about 50% off at the Gap...do not ask if we're going to be ready to leave in a few hours, the answer is NO. 11. And now.....everyone makes their own decisions in life and as long as you have no regrets....than you made the right decision. I love you girl Searching For on 6/02/2004 09:51:00 AM.
I should have gone to wake up my sweetheart this morning. (Hindsight is 20/20)I am awake anyway and I miss him very much. But I really don't want to get clingy,I know it is not something he appreciates. I was thinking last night, yes our relationship is different this time and that's partially accountable to the fact that we've established set differences (ie-we're not dating), but it's also partially because a-I've grown up, but really b- we respect each other's emotions, feelings, thoughts, so much more. We base more on each other than ourselves. I am much less selfish and he is so careful with me. It's a beautiful thing. Really, I wish I were more of a rebel sometimes. I am whining however, I want to see him NOW. Is it too much to ask for a girl to want to watch TV with her lover? No, I think not. And I'm home alone all freaking week. All day Friday, but our schedules CLASH. Bah-humbug! I want to see my baby (lol don't tell him I'm feeling possessive today, he'd flip...I'm attibuting it to hormones). I wanna see my baby tonight so badly, life just isn't fair sometimes ::ends whining::
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Confucius How about I kept Lana up until like 1 this morning and she had to get up at 7:30!? How badly do I feel? I seem to be good at doing that to people...lol but I'm still amazed at our talk, things are still rolling around in my head. We can and do talk about everything. She is my...soulsister. She'll be the one to the right of me wearing daring red in my very Catholic wedding (haha) I love you girl. Searching For on 6/02/2004 09:30:00 AM.
So I cleaned today and now I just have a few things to do tomorrow, so that's pleasant. Lana and I have had some good talks lately...it's nice that we're both able to get a tiny bit of free time and talk to each other.
I'm overly content with the way things are going between Nate & I, although I wish we could see each other more often, I'm doing my best to not be clingy.....no one likes a clingy girl, except a clingy boy and he is not one...but schedules are ANNOYING sometimes Searching For on 6/02/2004 12:06:00 AM.
6.01.2004 You know I must really love a boy when he refers to my beloved Harry Potter as "the boy who plays with his wizard." lol...wow Searching For on 6/01/2004 10:50:00 PM.
Yep, he's still absolutely amazing and I'm still lucky....so lucky in fact I get to clean the house from top to bottom today and somehow get a workout in the gym in there, buy balloons and do all the laundry. How much luckier can a girl get? ;-} Searching For on 6/01/2004 02:02:00 PM.
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