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5.31.2004 He's so wonderful...and I'm so lucky... Searching For on 5/31/2004 11:06:00 PM.
1. What's a song you'd enjoy screaming along to as you drove down the highway? "She Needs Wide Open Spaces" Dixie Chicks
2. What is your favorite place/type of environment to relax? Watching storms... 3. What are the best kind of dreams? The kind that you wake up glowing...and the kind that you wake up and smile, because you know real life is even better than that dream. 4. What do you look for in a mate? ::sings:: "honesty, prosperity" lol kiddin... Honesty, caring, love, communication, understanding, compromise, and respect and someone who wants to run the show...because I don't. 5. If you were a crayon color, what color would you be and why? I would be red..the color of love, the color wildness and life and strawberry wine...it's a great color Searching For on 5/31/2004 10:41:00 PM.
Happy Memorial Day
DISCLAIMER: Really...don't read this I got up about 8 this morning after going to bed sometime after 2. This morning I thanked God that I was getting off the pill as I awoke to my suprise friend. Taking the pill outside of your normal hour radius renders it uneffective and I am not organized enough to take it within the hour radius every night and I am also not able to abstain. Therefore, Thank God for the ring. Actually I was kind of glad to find out I had started, because my sex drive always dies during and last night I was wondering what on earth was wrong with me. Anyway YOU MAY BEGIN READING NOW So I began spring cleaning my room today (little late eh?) and I got the box part done, now I just need to get the rest...and then the rest of the house, but I will have the rest of the week to do that so. Wednesday I am going to have a long blissful time to myself. Mommy is working evenings and daddy has class. That means from about 2-9...house to myself, thank the lord. I love my parents, but they are driving me insane. We finished writing our val. speech today, it's alright. I really don't have anything to say though, I mean...what the hell do I know, that everyone else my age doesn't? Well I must go visit Grandpa, being as though Grandma is at Aunt Mellie's. I love you all. Oh and Diana.....why exactly would my mommy be proud? Searching For on 5/31/2004 03:22:00 PM.
Your love is like religion
A cross in Mexico And your kiss is like the innocence Of a prayer nailed to a door Oh surrender is much sweeter When we both let it go Let the water wash our bodies clean And love wash our souls Searching For on 5/31/2004 08:30:00 AM.
Yep...still glowing, couldn't sleep because life is that damn good (okay and it's hot and muggy like no other). I am the luckiest girl in the world interstingly attached to the most amazing guy in the world. Sorry girlies, but I win ;-} Searching For on 5/31/2004 08:24:00 AM.
Wow...wonderful, awesome...fabulous evening. He's amazing...I had to bite my tongue from saying I love you a gazillion times. I'm really trying to remain rational and not get caught up in the heat of the moment, but it's really hard sometimes, but I manage. What we have is fabulous and it makes him happy and that makes me happy, very happy. And that's all I have to say about that.
Poor Diana....what an asshole...thank goodness for John. He's amazing and she's lucky to have him...but....the other guy...what an asshole. I love you Diana! I went shopping today, got some cute capris from the gap and 2 cute shirts from The Limited (red and black). Lana would have been proud. I am all about Suave shampoo and conditioner...I just wanted you all to know, the expensive kind is not worth your money. SUAVE does it all. I just wanted Lana to know that her post...made me cry ::sniffles:: I love you very much Miss Marlena Christine Owen, you are a very sweet girl and the best cousin a girl could ever have. I love you~ Searching For on 5/31/2004 12:22:00 AM.
5.29.2004 I was twenty and she was eighteen,
We were just as wild as we were green, in the ways of the world She picked me up in that red rag top, We were free of the folks and hiding from the cops, On a summer night runnin’ all the red lights We parked way out in a clearin’in a grove and the night Was hot as a coal burnin’ stove, We were cookin’ the gas we were had to last In the back of that red rag top She said please don’t stop [verse 2:] Well the very first time her mother met me, Her green eyed girl was a mother to be for 2 weeks I was out of a job and she was in school, Life was fast and the world was cruel We were young and wild, we decided not to have a child So we did what we did and we tried to forget And we swore up and down there would be no regrets In the morning light, But on the way home that night On the back of that red rag top She said please don’t stop.. Lovin’ me [verse 3:] We took one more trip around the sun, It was all make believe in the end, No I can’t say where she is today, I can’t remember who I was, back then Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins, And there’s no such thing as what might’ve Been, that’s a waste of time; drive you outta your mind I was stopped at a red light just yesterday beside a young girl In a cabriolet and her eyes Were green I was in an old scene I was back in that red rag top On the day she stopped Loving me I was back in that red rag top On the day she stopped Loving me Searching For on 5/29/2004 09:29:00 PM.
I love summer. I love being outside and landscaping, I love working hard outside and getting that terrible farmer's tan. I love summer food. I love picnics and time spent at grandma's and throwing the football around with Phil. I love late night talks and the crickets and open windows. I love long hours at the gym and windows down in the car and thoughts running wild. I love reading until 3am because the book is that good. I love bike riding and summer haircuts and the freedom. I love summer loving. I love having the freedom see him when I want to and not feeling guilty. I love seeing him, I love being with him and I love how he loves being with me even if it isn't for love. I love being us but not being us. He's amazing and he makes me happy and that's what's important. And because it's the wonderful time of summer (even though we have to work) I can't wait to see him...walks in the park...late movies...swinging...cuddling under the stars...who am I kidding? And those are the reaons...I love summer Searching For on 5/29/2004 09:21:00 PM.
It ticks just like a Timex
It never lets up on you Who said life was easy The job is never through It'll run us 'til we're ragged It'll harden our hearts And love could use a day of rest Before we both start falling apart I Pray that it's raining on Sunday Stormin' like crazy We'll hide under the covers all afternoon Baby whatever comes Monday Can take care of itself 'Cause we've got better things that we can do When it's raining on Sunday Your love is like religion A cross in Mexico And your kiss is like the innocence Of a prayer nailed to a door Oh surrender is much sweeter When we both let it go Let the water wash our bodies clean And love wash our souls And pray that it's raining on Sunday Stormin' like crazy And we'll hide under the covers all afternoon And baby whatever comes Monday Can take care of itself 'Cause we've got better things that we can do I Pray that it's raining on Sunday Stormin' like crazy We'll hide under the covers all afternoon And baby whatever comes Monday Can take care of itself 'Cause we've got better things that we can do When it's raining on Sunday Let it rain Searching For on 5/29/2004 02:43:00 PM.
Maybe I gave up on romance
In my longing to give up the pain I just didn't believe I would ever love again I was like one who had shut myself in Closed the windows, locked all the doors Afraid of the dark and the beat of my heart Yet knowing there had to be more Though it sounds like a great contradiction It's the easiest thing to explain You see, I was afraid I might never love again What does it take for a blind man to see That there's more there than just meets the eye What are the ways that the magic comes in That can turn a song into a sigh Sometimes I think that I'm dreaming Or maybe I'm going insane Maybe it's just that I'm falling in love again Oh, life's such a wonderful game Look at me now I'm falling in love Look at me now I'm falling in love Look at me now I'm falling in love again. Searching For on 5/29/2004 02:20:00 PM.
5.28.2004 So exhausted. I know it's 11:25 on my last day of high school ever and I'm....home. But I had to move my car anyway and everyone was exhausted, so...plus I was definitly missing Nate. It stinks when you get all excited for something and then something stupid comes along and ruins it. He's going out of town all weekend too. I guess sometimes I do need to make myself less accessible, less I'll change my plans and switch around my life for him, because that's a bad thing to get into...but I mean. We planned for awhile, so I feel badly. At least I didn't just blow him off though, I wasn't expecting last night's fiasco. BAH HUMBUG.
It's SUMMER. How amazing! I am excited, I just realized tomorrow I can sleep in....and I HONESTLY cannot remember the last time I was able to do so. This graduating thing isn't all that bad at all. Tomorrow morning I can plant flowers or cut grass or just be outside or go the Y or the library in the morning....that's just wonderful. It will be my first Saturday spent doing what I want to do. Plus I have this whole week off so I can FINALLY really work off those extra pounds that just hang around. Maybe I'll even see Nate if he doesn't hate me. lol for real, we're cursed, we have the absolute worst luck all the time. I really miss him =-( Okay I'll stop complaining now, I know it's annoying. Well I am exhausted and I don't have to babysit tomorrow (thank heavens) so I am going to chill out. I love you all very much. I love you Lana =-} Searching For on 5/28/2004 11:22:00 PM.
Searching For on 5/28/2004 03:57:00 PM.
I can't take this song..and thinking about the war. I love this song, but...wow.
Knocking on Heaven's Door yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah Mama take this badge from me, I can't use it any more, It's getting dark, too dark to see, Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. Mama put my gun in the ground, I can't shoot them any more, That long black cloud is coming down, Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door, ooh yeah Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door. yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah Searching For on 5/28/2004 03:57:00 PM.
Looooong few days. It's over. Can't believe it, doesn't feel like it, feels like the weekend and then perhaps summer. Delayed reaction I suppose. We've had some car incidents lately, Meg's brand new sunfire got pegged with water balloon and it's dented something fierce. My own problems are well...frustrating but it will teach me to move my own car. Luckily, my parents are not evil and are letting me to go to Matt's today....we had an awesome last day...I have so much shaving cream and water all over me, it's insane. I love my fellow seniors. God I'm going to miss them, especially Kyle and Meg. I love Kyle so much sometimes it hurts, he's such a good guy and I think in a different universe...different times. Well I need to go get ready for tonight and go for jog in reverse order. Love you all.....more later
"Don't Tell Me" --->I love Avril....she's my girl, she kicks ass on telling it like it is... You held my hand and walked me home, alone While you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go? Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love Guys are so hard to trust Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl? The one who gives it all away [Chorus:] Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time? Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry? Don't try to tell me what to do, Dont try to tell me what to say, Your better off that way Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away [Chorus] This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong Any thoughts of you and me have gone away [Chorus] Better off that way I'm better off alone anyway Searching For on 5/28/2004 03:48:00 PM.
5.26.2004 The final Finals
Free Response part of the calc test 14 verb tense Spanish Final Part II of the physics presentation (string theory) Locker to clean...books to turn in... Let the Summer begin...(thursday evening) Go to the Y for a good game of volleyball Go shopping for new capris, ho shirts, make-up, graduation party dress, tennis shoes, black pants and skirts(for work) Beg Donny to let me go tanning Pick up 300 balloons for graduation Summer haircut Friday Nate ;-) Meghan's Matt's (BYOT-bring your own tent) Saturday Babysit for Steph 8-5 Church Nate? Sunday Steph's party Meg's--->val speech Searching For on 5/26/2004 07:55:00 PM.
5.25.2004 I am exhausted...but I am happy. He makes me extremely happy. I do believe this is the best relationship we've had yet. He hasn't even annoyed me yet, every night I go to bed smiling and happy. I really am a lucky girl, God has blessed me with a wonderful relationship with Nate, considering all the hell I've put him through and vice versa. I'm thankful for the tribulations and how much stronger it's made me as a person and how much stronger it's made us. He's taught more than he'll ever know and I'm forever grateful. I am still holding out a little Godot, but what will be, will be. I'm happy....we're happy...and I could not ask for more. I do love him...but it's different now. He makes my days better and my dreams sweeter. I truly believe he will always be in my life, although I am not sure in what role and for once, I'm not worried about what role. We'll figure it out together...step by step...baby steps, big steps...whatever, but we'll do it together and we'll continue to make each other happy. I love him.
Daddy and I had good talk today. I'm now confident he'll stay out of my relationship and let me make my own mistakes and my own luck. He's a good guy at heart. Mama and I are still on each other's last nerves, but she is working 3-11...so we can annoy each other less. I just wish she'd understand it's my life, it's my heart....they are my decisions and although not always the right ones...one can never truly learn until it hurts... REVISED COUNTDOWN 1 Spanish Final 1 Physics Project 2 More days of a calc Final And 3 more days until I get to see Nate. If I can make until Thursday evening, I can go shopping and to the Y and chill out. Thank goodness Searching For on 5/25/2004 09:31:00 PM.
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye Your scarf it was apricot You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner They'd be your partner, and... You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you Don't you? Don't You? You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive Well you said that we made such a pretty pair And that you would never leave But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee Clouds in my coffee, and... You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you Don't you? Don't You? Don't You? I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee Clouds in my coffee, and... You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you Don't you? Don't You? Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won Then you flew your lear jet up to Nova Scotia To see the total eclipse of the sun Well you're where you should be all the time And when you're not you're with Some underworld spy or the wife from a close friend Wife from a close friend, and... You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you Don't you? Don't You? Don't you? You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you Searching For on 5/25/2004 03:30:00 PM.
5.24.2004 I am very very happy with my own relationship right now. I am not very happy with my parents, to each other and to me. I am going to either get kicked out of this house or leave it. If I had someone to elope with it, it would truly take every ounce of willpower that I do not possess right now to keep me from leaving...
And they wonder why I don't tell them about my relationships when they cannot even deal with their own. They wonder why Phil and I do not discuss such things with them. I know where I learned to pick pointless fights just because and where to hate for no reason. Thank God I had Nate to teach me how wrong that is and how much better true love is. Although I wish I had learned that from someone else so that we wouldn't have that baggage..... Searching For on 5/24/2004 09:10:00 PM.
5.23.2004 I'm a very, very happy girl... Searching For on 5/23/2004 10:03:00 PM.
She's sun and rain,
she's fire and ice A little crazy but it's nice And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone Cause she'll rage just like a river Then she'll beg you to forgive her She's every woman that I've ever known She's so New York and then L.A. And every town along the way She's every place that I've never been She's makin love on rainy nights She's a stroll through Christmas lights And she's everything I want to do again It needs no explanation 'Cause it all makes perfect sense For when it comes down to temptation She's on both sides of the fence No it needs no explanation 'Cause it all makes perfect sense When it comes down to temptation She's on both sides of the fence She's anything but typical She's so unpredictable Oh but even at her worst it ain't that bad She's as real as real can be And she's every fantasy Lord she's every lover that I've ever had And she's every lover that I've never had Searching For on 5/23/2004 08:14:00 PM.
Good Morning. It's early for me to be up on a Sunday...next weekend I am so sleeping in. I have a breakfast at church this mornining and then church and then a five hour break until the NHS banquet. Oh if only I didn't have to finish my English essay (we got an extension until Monday by telling her if we didn't do it, we'd still pass, so why do it when we have no time to), study my tail off for a Spanish test and my calc final. yucccccck. I can think of much better things to do, much much better...
Nate should be home sometime today ::big smile:: thank heavens, time passes so SLOWLY when you want something and you can't have it, a watched pot never boils and all that. I must leave for yet another senior event. Truly they are kind and thoughtful, but there are SO MANY! Oh well, no need to complain about someone's kindness -->I love you<-- Searching For on 5/23/2004 09:22:00 AM.
5.22.2004 Just got back from the gym. Dan did some serious hitting on me but I declined, then Len the guy I accidently played footsie with at my Confirmation asked if we go out and just mess around. I laughed at it all, I find it ironic that the only guy I might want, doesn't want me, but those who I'd never...do want me. You have to love life sometimes.
I am definitely missing Nate & I definitely have serious senioritis. I've been paging through my old blog posts lately just for kicks. I like to see how I thought a year ago. It's funny, I had a whole blog about our first date and how much I thought I liked him and how hurt I was when he told me he had another girl he could date. He chose me once! I had forgotten about that. I was so nieve, so nieve. I also looked at posts from like September where I just contiously say that I have the best boyfriend ever and I love him so much and I apologize soooo much. It took me awhile to realize what I was apologizing for, then I remembered. I can't believe I wouldn't kiss him because I was scared that I wouldn't know what I was doing and I'd be terrible and he'd hate me. What a stupid thing to think. lol, now I'm constantly wanting him (I know, I know too much information). It's funny but a year ago, I never would have thought I would have ever been in a position to beg him to take me back. I was the one not sure and he was sure. It's ironic how life goes. When I look back at all the stuff I was afraid of and how important I thought my parents opinions were I have to laugh. Now I'm worried about me and my relationships and if my parents have a problem with it well...too bad. Like I read a post about telling my mom about Nate and I was so upset and freaked out and now I'm like yeah, I'll have to remember to mention to my mom that Nate and I are friends again. I remember when she asked me if I was "still having that fling" and I bit her head off the first time. She stopped trying to run my love life after that...I wish I had done that earlier with my dad, told him to mind his own damn business and that I loved Nate and I didn't give a flying fruck what he thought about it. Hindsight is always 20/20. Well I need to grab a shower and work on my essay before going to bed so I can do some final proofreading tomorrow and study for calc and spanish. Hopefully I'll get to see Nate tomorrow or at least talk to him and set up plans for Friday. Friday seems sooooooo far away though. A lifetime. ::sighs:: I'm done rambling for today.. I apologize for doing so. Searching For on 5/22/2004 10:37:00 PM.
Meg and I had a fabulous talk today. I love that girl, she will be my refuge in college. We talked about how independent we used to be and how we always refused to take a lover away to college with us and that nothing could keep us away from being the President of the United States. She still hasn't lost a lot of her fire, she's still willing to go away and leave Tobey, but she admits it's going to be excruciatingly awful and hard and we'll have to call each other and cry and see each other. I'll openly admit to losing my indepedence long long ago. When I thought I had it most is when it was slipping away. But we had a great talk.
I ended up not having to babysit today, so I ran into some extra time and I have spent it cleaning thus far. I really need to take my nails off, but I've gotten used to them. I have broken 3 of them however and they are annoying to clean with. Well I am off to take them off and finish cleaning. I really should finish my essay and study for my two tests as well since I'll be extremely busy tomorrow with the church thing and 2 banquets. I'm kind of hoping to see Nate as well, although he'll probably get home late or have 800 things to do...In any case I'm off for now. Searching For on 5/22/2004 02:42:00 PM.
Tonight was a fun Friday night @ Megs. I love my friends sometimes, they are the absolute best, especially Meg...I love that girl. I have no idea how many guys drove my car this evening, but they had much longer legs than I have. I gave my keys to Tobey to move my car and they took it to Dairy Queen...but I didn't care, then Anthony asked to drive my car out to Boardman to get food and I said sure. Then somehow Josh drove it. But it's in perfect condition, so I cannot complain. I mean they could have sprayed something guyish (I am ALL about guys scents, some of them are absolutely orgasmic to me ::sighs::). Anyway, I can't believe it's only friday night. I still at least a whole day and night left without Nate. If I admit it, I miss him a lot and I'm so ready for us to have our relationship of choice. I don't want to wait until Friday. I'm remembering not to be clingy though, weekends with the boys are good. I'm also trying to remember not rush in head first and scare the living daylights out of him. I'm excited about summer coming and us being able to (hopefully) see each other more often. He's a fantastic guy, what he sees in a girl like me blows my mind. I hope things continue to go this well with us, because how they are, how we are, is great, we just need to see each other more, become more of a part of each other's lives, stuff like that. I am being as cautious as possible though, I don't want to get thrown into the old trap that never works between us. Anyway, I received the new RD tonight, so I shall read and get some sleep. I love you guys~
I came home early but I'm exhausted and have to babysit tomorrow anyway. I got the Bath & Body Works job by the way. Searching For on 5/22/2004 12:06:00 AM.
5.21.2004 HAHA, this astrology stuff cracks me up
What's the best aspect of the Virgo-Scorpio relationship? It's their ability to carry out goals when they put their minds to the task. When Scorpio realizes that Virgo is an asset and a leveling force in their life, this relationship will grow. Mutual determination and organization makes theirs a harmonious relationship.Due to Virgo's naturally cautious nature, this relationship can take awhile to develop, but once it's established that both partners are in it for the long haul, it's like a runaway locomotive, running on its own power and difficult to stop. These two Signs have much in common: They highly value common sense and practicality; they're both materialistic but work hard for the creature comforts they so enjoy. Taurus is more sensual and indulgent than Virgo is; Virgo tends to be the inhibitive force in the relationship, tending not to get involved in the chaos of life in favor of analyzing all available options. Virgo's analysis leads to criticism, which Taurus can tend to take too seriously. Conversely, Taurus's stubborn nature can get on Virgo's nerves, causing Virgo to criticize even more! This pair must take care not to take one another too seriously. The good thing is, they're similar enough that they can learn to be patient with one another, especially Virgo, who loves to indulge Taurus's penchant for fine treatment and good food.Taurus is ruled by Venus (Love and Money) and Virgo is ruled by Mercury (Communication). Both of these Planets are close to the Sun, so they're closely related though they seem very different. Venus is physical; it's about romance and sensuality, both of which are important to Taurus. Mercury is about communication and it's androgynous--Virgo will take on the form that it chooses. Virgo is very good at understanding other people and can easily learn to be the romantic and sensual partner that Taurus loves. Both partners are so devoted and romantic, their arguments surely won't focus on those issues. Taurus and Virgo are both Earth Signs. Earth Signs are steady and practical, concerned with possessions. Taurus and Virgo together love to surround themselves with beautiful things--designer clothes, cool toys. Their love of luxury and their desire to be financially secure ensure that this couple will work hard who never overspend. Taurus is a Fixed Sign and Virgo is a Mutable Sign. Taurus is stubborn and tends to make up their mind for good; more flexible Virgo can help teach Taurus the value in bending the mind a bit--when it's practical, of course. What's the best aspect of the Taurus-Virgo relationship? Their dedication to working toward the same goals. Both partners enjoy luxury and nice things, and Virgo likes helping Taurus achieve their goals. Their common interests and desires make theirs a highly compatible relationship. Searching For on 5/21/2004 07:13:00 PM.
I apologize for my huge Garth Brooks kick lately...I am just suddenly really loving his stuff. Nate's gone for a weekend with the boys =-(
Oh well, all the more to miss him and be more excited for next weekend...and then the lovely summer. Glorious Searching For on 5/21/2004 06:56:00 PM.
You Virgos are sensitive to Mercury's aspects and today as he hooks up with crazy Uranus, you are more likely to say the things you'd normally keep to yourself. But you won't get totally outrageous. Instead, you can talk about your dreams and your hopes for the future. Do it in a way that brings your feelings into the mix. Be sensitive to what others are telling you. There's meaning even in the weirdest of perspectives. Searching For on 5/21/2004 03:17:00 PM.
From a phone booth in Cheyenne
I made a promise to Diane No more rodeos I'd gone my last go 'round The same promise that I made In San Antone and Santa Fe But tonight I saddled up And let her down Wild horses keep draggin' me away And I'll lose more than I'm gonna win someday Wild horses just stay wild And her heart is all I break Wild horses keep draggin' me away She'll watch me drive around her block Gettin' courage up to stop To make her one more promise That I can't keep The way I love the rodeo I guess I should let her go Before I hurt her more Than she loves me Wild horses keep draggin' me away And I'll lose more than I'm gonna win someday Wild horses just stay wild And her heart is all I break Wild horses keep draggin' me away Wild horses keep draggin' me away And I'll lose more than I'm gonna win someday Wild horses just stay wild And her heart is all I break Wild horses keep draggin' me away Searching For on 5/21/2004 02:59:00 PM.
5.20.2004 The countdown begins...
6 Days 1 three day calc exam (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday) 1 Spanish test (Monday) 1 Spanish final (Wednesday) 1 English essay (Monday) 1 Government final (tomorrow) 1 Physics project (Wednesday) Spanish Extra Credit (Monday) ---> This would be the first spanish class I was finally "Most Outstanding" then I got our last test back and I got something like a C....haha, "isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think?" Then after all of that is done ---> One very fun Friday evening =-} Searching For on 5/20/2004 09:22:00 PM.
I am glowing and fabulously happy. I've been thinking quite a bit lately...and he makes me so happy. I decided safe isn't the word I'm looking for. He doesn't make me feel safe...well he does but...I don't know. I mean used to think he makes me feel safe b/c I know he won't take me farther than I want to go...but now...I mean... It's funny I can't say that I love him anymore, I do but not in that way. The way things never work out the way we want them to and how they're always so difficult and we fight...and how badly we've hurt each other... I wouldn't call it love. But we hold a...respect for each other, a trust...oh hell I don't know. I just know he makes me happy, this relationship makes me happy and that's good enough for me.
'Til she came to me one evening Hot cup of coffee and a smile In a dress that I was certain She hadn't worn in quite a while There was a difference in her laughter There was a softness in her eyes And on the air there was a hunger Even a boy could recognize She had a need to feel the thunder To chase the lightning from the sky To watch a storm with all its wonder Written in her lover's eyes She had to ride the heat of passion Like a comet burning bright Rushing headlong in the wind Now where only dreams have been Burning both ends of the night That summer wind was all around me Nothing between us but the night When I told her that I'd never She softly whispered that's alright And then I watched her hands of leather Turn to velvet in a touch There's never been a summer When I have ever learned so much We had a need to feel the thunder To chase the lightning from the sky To watch a storm with all its wonder Written in her lover's eyes She had to ride the heat of passion Like a comet burning bright Rushing headlong in the wind Now where only dreams have been Burning both ends of the night I often think about that summer The sweat, the moonlight and the lace And I have rarely held another When I haven't seen her face And every time I pass a wheat field And watch it dancing with the wind Although I know it isn't real I just can't help but feel Her hungry arms again She had a need to feel the thunder To chase the lightning from the sky To watch a storm with all its wonder Written in her lover's eyes She had to ride the heat of passion Like a comet burning bright Rushing headlong in the wind Now where only dreams have been Burning both ends of the night Rushing in long in the wind Now where only dreams have been Burnin' both ends of the night Searching For on 5/20/2004 06:11:00 PM.
I am...such a happy girl...I have so much to say but so little time to write it. I am a happy girl b/c I think Nate and I have finally decided on a relationship that we can have it that will actually work. I love having him in my life, he brightens up all of my days just by being him. I'm so lucky. And my horiscope today..ironic...
Don't be too concerned today if you aren't the fortress of rationality and the voice of logic. It's time for you to ease up on your definition of perfection. Let go of the details. Just let the waves of information flow over you without trying to judge what is valid and what is not. Give your powers of discrimination a short vacation. There's no need to make judgments now, even if you think there is. Wait until tomorrow to separate out what's important. Searching For on 5/20/2004 07:13:00 AM.
5.19.2004 It doesn't get much better than this.... Searching For on 5/19/2004 10:27:00 PM.
Just got back from the scholarship dinner. It was nice...long but very nice, I always appreciate more scholarships. Searching For on 5/19/2004 08:32:00 PM.
5.18.2004 Nate and I figured out a relationship we can both stand this evening. I am the happiest girl alive. and that's all I have to say about that Searching For on 5/18/2004 10:55:00 PM.
Sometimes I hate dreaming because it makes me wonder what my subconscious is really thinking. Like last night, I had an awesome dream about Nate & I, it was AMAZING. I woke up happy, but then the rest of the day I was like a bundle of emotions. I hate being EMOTIONAL. I like to be in control of my feelings, or at least know what to expect from myself. But sometimes I swear I don't know myself anymore. I started freaking out a little bit ago, because we got back pictures of me with Miss Kristin and Merrick and I have the most wonderful smiles I've ever seen me take and I look so comfortable and content. But then I started wondering, I mean yes, currently either my biological clock is ticking or I'm just very content to think of being a mom instead of going to college (unfortunately, I lack a few things for this..and I wonder...I might do college instead if actually given the choice, but..I don't know) but I'm also afraid for my hypothetical children. I am so messed up. I am such a witch and so angry and frustrated and I've hurt so many people...I don't want children like me! How will I know how to raise them differently. I can be such a demon sometimes...I can't subject children to learning that behavior! I wouldn't wish my emotions and ways of acting on any child. And how do I know I won't do what my parents did and force my dreams on my child, even when it's plain that they don't want to live my ideal life? What I force them to do things they HATE, and I sculpt them to be people they don't want to be? I shouldn't be ALLOWED to reproduce! But if I don't want to go to college and I can't be a mommy because I'd raise devil children...what else is there for me to do in life?
These thoughts along with contemplating things about Nate (something ironic, I remember telling myself right before we broke up that one day I would look back on everything and think everything was so wonderful, because one tends to only remember the good memories) helped me to run a good 5 miles and burn a good 1000 calories on my treadmil before going to my church dinner for WITNESS. It has not helping me with writing my essay or my journal or studying for government, which I now have to do when I get home. The only conclusions I came to...had I known how good I had it when I loved Nate and he loved me...I would still be a very happy girl...as well as I should never reproduce... Searching For on 5/18/2004 04:51:00 PM.
First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM, I hope it's glorious, I love you dear.
I am in an odd mood today...I can't explain it. I'm not sad necessarily, nor mad or happy. I woke up singing, because I had a glorious dream, one of those ones you don't even want to wake up from. Then my mom drove me insane by informing me of the proper way to hang up a towel and that my MESH shorts were too short for school (shoot me) Then in physics today I almost started crying for NO APPARENT reason, I had to bite my lip and think of other things and force myself to not. I completely zoned too and I don't really know what I was thinking about (okay I do, but...not sharing), then in choir I was NERVOUS like butterflies in my stomach going to throw up nervous. Then I was just....sad and it was awful. I'm almost like let it just be the new magic drug (it's no longer a pill, thank heavens) or something...but for real...I didn't think I'd whig this much. Anyway, went to the GYN, I know you all wanted to know. Off the pill on this new thing that's so cool, even more effective for preventing pregnancy and I only need to use condoms (well okay not ME but you get the idea) for a month and then I'm pretty much good to go (not that a little extra protection ever hurt anyone), but I'm so glad! I thought all 3 months of my summer without even a glimmer of hope...depressing. lol of course I'd only sleep with one guy anyway and he doesn't want to sleep with me (okay so he WANTS to sleep with me, but he doesn't want to sleep with me for any reason other than he's attracted to me physically and he has a conscience ::sighs::). Okay I must go...church thing tonight, love you~ Searching For on 5/18/2004 02:55:00 PM.
5.17.2004 Let's Be Us
Again Tell me what I have to do tonight Cause I'd do anything to make it right Let's be us again I'm sorry for the way I lost my head I dont why I said the things I said Lets be us again Here I stand with everything to lose All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end Baby please, I'm reachin out for you Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in Lets be us again Us again Look at me Im way past pride Isn't there some way that we can try To be us again Even if it takes a while I'll wait right here until I see that smile That says we're us again Here I stand with everything to lose All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end Baby please, I'm reachin out for you Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in Lets be us Ohhh Baby baby, what would I do Can't imagine life without you Here I stand with everything to lose All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end Baby please I'm reachin out for you Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in Oh here I am I'm reachin out for you Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in Lets be us again Oh, lets be us again You've Got It Bad When you feel it in your body You found somebody who makes you change your ways Like hanging with your crew Said you act like you're ready But you don't really know And everything in your past - you wanna let it go I've been there, done it, fucked around After all that - this is what I found Nobody wants to be alone If you're touched by the words in this song Then baby... U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad When you say that you love 'em And you really know Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more Like my money, all my cars (You can have it all back) Flowers, cards and candy (I do it just cause I'm...) Said I'm fortunate to have you girl I want you to know I really adore you All my people who know what's going on Look at your mate, help me sing my song Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man Promise to love you the best I can See I've been there, done it, fucked around After all that - this is what I found Everyone of y'all are just like me It's too bad that you can't see That you got it bad...hey U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad breakdown U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad Searching For on 5/17/2004 08:37:00 PM.
Another morning. I'm really in love with this "What Happened to Us" song, I wish I had heard it earlier. Senioritis kills...I should have left already, but I wanted to see what Nate had to say and listen to this song since it downloaded last night (I'm such a rebel). Oh guess what doctor I have an appointment with today that I just found out about? What a way to make sure your daughter is a good girl but schedule her gyn appointment the Monday after prom. ::sighs:: I'm already a bit of a mess and now I have to deal with this with like last minute notice. Heavens. I am getting grounded again though, sometimes the only person you can explain yourself to and your frustration about your own actions, is the person who has felt your wrath before. And his lack of sympathy in certain areas is needed. Well I must leave...love you Searching For on 5/17/2004 07:11:00 AM.
5.16.2004 How's the World Treating You?
I’ve had nothing but sorrow Since you said we were through There’s no hope for tomorrow How’s the world treating you? Every sweet thing that mattered Has been broken in two All my dreams have been shattered How’s the world treating you? Got no plans for next Sunday Got no plans for today Every day is blue Monday Every day you’re away Every sweet thing that mattered Has been broken in two And I’m asking you darling How’s the world treating you? Searching For on 5/16/2004 07:05:00 PM.
AND THE TWO SONGS OF THE DAY ARE...REPEATS...sorry guys..in this mood...
8. The Reason - (3:52) I'm not a perfect person as many things I wish I didn't do but I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you it's something I must live with everyday and all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears that's why I need you to hear I've found a resaon for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you and the reason is you and the reason is you and the reason is you I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know a reason for all that I do and the reason is you "It Matters To Me" Baby tell me where'd you ever learn To fight without sayin' a word Then waltz back into my life Like it's all gonna be alright Don't you know how much it hurts When we don't talk When we don't touch When it doesn't feel like we're even in love It matters to me When I don't know what to say Don't know what to do Don't know if it really even matters to you How can I make you see It matters to me Maybe I still don't understand The distance between a woman and a man So tell me how far it is And how you can love like this 'Cause I'm not sure I can When we don't talk When we don't touch When it doesn't feel like we're even in love It matters to me When I don't know what to say Don't know what to do Don't know if it really even matters to you How can I make you see It matters to me Searching For on 5/16/2004 05:39:00 PM.
So I just posted and blogger ate it...grrr.
So I am so stupid sometimes, honestly, it is insane, but more about that later. Prom was WONDERFUL. I could not have picked a more AWESOME date (or rather, he picked me). I felt a tad bit guilty because of Ashley, but I had a fabulous time, we danced, we ate, we laughed, we talked. He listened to my thousandth time confusion over Nate & Chris and he offered me very good advice. It was wonderful, I had a fabulous time the next day as well at Cedar Point with him although it rained and was miserable weather. It was fabulous. Diana & John also made my weekend awesome. They are a great couple and I love them both so much! They are awesome, they never make me feel like a 3rd wheel and I'd do anythign for either of them. Thank you guys for being so amazingly wonderful. I love you both so much. Then Clarisse was stupid and ruined her own weekend. okay I THOUGHT I was ready to move on, date seriously and get back into a relationship... BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR right that DIDN'T WORK. I'm not ready. Now I feel like shit because I did some serious leading on and hurt yet another guy. Yay, add him to the tally. I am such a bitch sometimes. I didn't even mean to this time! I couldn't do though, I'm not ready and I saw the warning signs FLASH inside my head. I started to become hot and cold and then icy cold and I just wanted to ignore it and forget it and die and I just couldn't deal and I for oncem, took Bobby's advice and nipped it in the bud. I hurt him though and I hate that. I hate hurting people, gosh. I am so stupid sometimes. ::CAUTION:: very sappy...very wrong---> but I don't care, it's how I feel and if there is one thing I've learned, you can't CHANGE how you feel. But I realized I can't move on for a couple of reasons. One..I'm so not over Nate. I do now realize that it never was perfect, never would be perfect and never will work. BUT...I have never felt the again the way he made (makes) me feel, never again have I gotten butterflies or just had tons of those moments where I was pleading inside for him to kiss me (before I even knew how great he is at such), or running home to want to tell him about my day, or staying up until 3am just because I loved him so much I didn't want to let him go. Or how we talked every night before we went to sleep or just the way he could hold me and I felt so safe and didn't want to kick and scream or cry b/c I was flashing back to the time from hell(that also took awhile). I love that FEELING. I love not wanting to go to sleep because life is that good. I loved being so happy I positively glow. I loved knowing I was his and no one else's. I loved the way, how I finally came to a point where he could have asked me for anything and he would have had it in a heartbeat. I loved giving him everything I had, and never feeling scared about how far things would get, because I loved him enough to do whatever he wanted and be happy with it. I loved the way he touched me, the way I glowed and the way I felt. I loved the way he loved me (a long long time ago). I loved the way he kissed me. I love the way he always tricked me into kissing him and I fell for it, everytime (not that there were a gazilion times). I loved the way he made me feel like I was the prettiest girl alive, even after I had back surgey and was sooo fat. I loved how he grew to know me better than I know myself, how he could judge my moods. I loved how honest I was with him (the most I ever have been to anyone). I loved how he trusted me. I loved considering (and talking to myeslf) to my grandma about going to YSU for him and how much I cared for him and letting at least her in what I thought to be the greatest thing I'd ever found and what horrible mistakes I had made. I wish I could let go. I wish I could make that connection again, but I know, it's futile, it's not going to happen. I do not still have my blinders on. of course if he would take me back I'd do absolutely everything in my power to make it work. I wouldn't be difficult, I'd see him whenever he wanted, make it so simple and so great. But..that's irrelevant I suppose. It was never perfect, in fact it was so messed up and so far from it...and no matter how hard one of us tried...the other never had his/her heart in it, or very rarely so. It was a mess, a huge mess. But I miss that mess. I am not over that mess (although I should be) because it is unrealistic and impossible. But I never liked things that were easy....or possible....ugh. I just wish I could find someone that's just as wonderful as he was to me and that I could love just as much if not more. I'd settle for him, that's impossible once again...sometimes I wish we had never met, because then I wouldn't hurt and I wouldn't know how great love can be and I'd be perfectly happy burying my nose in a book that was so irrelevant like I used to be for so many years. Love hurts.....especially when the person you want to love you...can't love you, fate just won't have it...I hate it, I hate it with a passion! Searching For on 5/16/2004 04:03:00 PM.
5.12.2004 PS- I have lunch with the Superintendant tomorrow, pray that I don't insult the woman...... Searching For on 5/12/2004 08:24:00 PM.
Such DRAMA today! Sometimes I can't wait to get away from high school just to get away from the DRAMA! Perhaps I am mean because I feel no sympathy and I almost want to laugh at it all. It's one WEEKEND! I am so glad I am going with Bob to prom because he doesn't FREAK OUT on me. I mean yes, we're going together, we're going to have a WONDERFUL time and I am VERY excited. But the truth of the matter is, if my dress has to be pinned, I will not lose sleep over it...if I have no one to make out with or love Saturday night...it will be okay. I'm going to be with my friends and I am going to have a blast. But it's all about making the most of things. People need to CHILL! oh and I need to stop tanning...last time tomorrow!~ Okay I must go run and study for now, treadmills are beautiful inventions. I need to take some tests tomorrow though, I'm tired of studying for things. I also need inspiration to write my English journal for this week... perhaps something will come to me while jogging. I love you all~ Searching For on 5/12/2004 08:18:00 PM.
5.11.2004 Fun, yet stressful day fixed by a killer workout at the gym. I really did lose 13 pounds since last week...weird huh? Not that I'm complaining. I still have another 35 to go to be back to my frosh weight. ::sighs:: summer goal....
So my head is spinning about a lot of things, particurarly relationships...I'm also saddened that I'm not going to get any of my sweet dreams wishes tonight =-(... but now I need to get some serious government studying done. I love you all. Searching For on 5/11/2004 10:19:00 PM.
5.09.2004 First off..I am so blessed. I have an amazing family, an amazing priest and amazing friends. I am so blessed and I want to note such so I remember the thank God everyday for the wonderful life I lead. I am such a lucky girl.
Well...I'm home..blogger has a new look that freaked me out. I have...much to report. Much I kept in my head as I was driving home this evening. It was an interesting drive home, a quiet one, in which I wrote a lot of this blog in my head. Somewhere outside of Akron my dad asked me if I knew what a Chinese Firedrill was, so I drove the rest of the way home with 2 snoozing parents. Well...it was...a few days of glorious memorie that has few downfalls. Mike has now seen my a tad bit tipsy and he has also seen me empty my stomach contents when tipsy, oh well. My dress was WAY too big (which I tried on LAST WEEK and it was TOO TIGHT) so it had to be pinned...literally with safety pins or it would have fallen down. Poor Rob had dress duty the whole wedding. There should be some great pictures, although Mark made Derrick put his beer in his other hand when he took our picture,lol. Derrick is a great guy though, he kept my brother undrunk, tipsy but not drunk. By the end of the night Derrick was explaining to me that Mike was about half the man he was, but he was still pretty good and I looked right at him and said I didn't know if half would be good enough (mind you this was in the presence of Mike, his parents and my dad), so I was a bit out of my head, although by that time I had thrown up so much, I can't imagine what alcohol could have been left. Lana had to leave SOOO early, she missed lots of good stuff =-( BUT she was there..and that was very important and very awesome. I had the honor of dancing with Miss Kristin quite a few times and I held Bella this morning. Such sweet girls, it was so much fun. My parents danced too, even my daddy who can't dance, danced with my mommy almost the whole night, it was wonderful. Last night, I hit on and grinded with Derrick...let's just say I was a little bit tipsy. Rob sent me great signals, shared drinks with me Friday night at the rehersal dinner, sat with me, petted me, was nice to me (but do remember how NICE I get when I'm...tipsy) and we were doing fabously well until his girlfriend showed up and then they NEEDED a room. ::sighs:: a girl can dream, can't she? lol. All my brother's friends were amazingly nice to me. Haki kept getting me drinks and telling me it was apple juice (oh and I still HATE the taste of alcohol, I hate the taste of it going down...and coming back up), Rob was sweet as can be, even in the presence of his girlfriend (although I have some serious harsh feelings about her, I felt like she was putting on show to tell me hands off, ughhh, but Jenny said they're not very serious at all soo.....you never know! lol, but that would be a strange thing to get used to), Derrick was amazing, he danced with me, grabbed me drinks, took pictures with me, kept my brother undrunk....he was just amazing. Sometimes I forget that I don't look like Phil's little sister anymore and when I introduce myself that way, people get confused. Lots of Phil's friends came up and said hey and that I looked gorgeous and to not hesistate to look them up when I wanted to have some fun. I laughed, but it was fun. I got my favorite compliment, that I was very much like my brother. I love that one, because I happen to think my brother is a great guy, I love him so much. He and Jenny are perfect for each other, she is so good for him. Jenny, Jenny is an AMAZING girl. I'm so glad she's my sister! I love that girl so much. Well I truly just did get home and I must shower and get some sleep. I'm still on "vacation" from school tomorrow, thank goodness, I still have all my homework to do and my back is soooooo sore. But tomorrow I hope I can finish the homework I have within an hour or so and then go work outside, cut some grass chilling to some tunes and then go the Y and tanning and then come home and get all the rest of my homework (aka CALC and govt notes) and get caught up and unpack and get ready for life in the real world again. ::sighs:: prom can't come soon enough and after that, graduation! My can't dance self will be grooving out on the dance floor, free of beverages to assist me. ::sighs:: these 2 day (vacation, physics field trip, lunch with the Super, Thursday-actually go, Friday-out early for prom...) weeks are killer... I love you all. Searching For on 5/09/2004 11:19:00 PM.
5.06.2004 ol' classic Lana...
Please come to Boston For the springtime I'm stayin' here with some friends And they've got lots of room You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk By a cafe where I hope to be workin' soon Please come to Boston She said no, boy you come home to me Chorus: (And) She said, hey ramblin' boy Why don't you settle down (Boston, Denver, L.A.) ain't your kind of town There ain't no gold And there ain't nobody like me I'm the number one fan Of the man from Tennessee Please come to Denver To see the snowfall We'll move up into the mountains So far we can't be found And throw I love you echos Down the canyons And then lie awake at night Until they come back around Please come to Denver She said no boy you come home to me Repeat Chorus: Now that drifter's world Goes round and round And I doubt if it's ever gonna stop But of all the dreams He's lost or found And all that I ain't got I need somebody I can cling to Somebody he can sing to He said please come to L.A. To live forever A California life alone Is just too hard to build I live in a house that Looks out over the ocean And there's some stars That fell from the sky Livin' up on the hill Please come to L.A. I just said no Boy, you come home to me Repeat Chorus I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee Tennessee Searching For on 5/06/2004 04:10:00 PM.
Getting my nails done and tanning for the last time tonight and packing! how exciting!!!! I can't wait to see Lana either, I miss you girl! Plus Phil, Jenny and Lucy! hooray!
I'm also excited about not feeling hateful anymore and not feeling love anymore. I hate to be hateful, even if I think the person deserves it at the time, I always feel angry at myself after. Being hateful does you no good, even when you hurt so badly you feel like you just can't stand it anymore. ahh another lesson learned... Searching For on 5/06/2004 03:54:00 PM.
5.04.2004 Horoscope of the day-
Even though this eclipse can turn a situation upside down, it may be a much needed and somewhat wanted reality check. Change doesn't come easily, but you probably understand the practical implication of what's going on. Try not to get too attached to your current point of view, as it may shift along with your understanding of what's happening. Searching For on 5/04/2004 07:52:00 PM.
3 more days! Searching For on 5/04/2004 07:45:00 PM.
5.03.2004 I love this song.....I want it played at my wedding
~Annie's Song~ You fill up my senses Like a night in a forest Like the mountains in springtime Like a walk in the rain Like a storm in the desert Like a sleepy blue ocean You fill up my senses Come fill me again Come let me love you Let me give my life to you Let me drown in your laughter Let me die in your arms Let me lay down beside you Let me always be with you Come let me love you Come love me again You fill up my senses Like a night in a forest Like the mountains in springtime Like a walk in the rain Like a storm in the desert Like a sleepy blue ocean You fill up my senses Come fill me again along with this song ~Stand By Me~ When the night has come And the land is dark And the moon is the only light we'll see No, I won't be afraid, No, I won't be afraid Just as long as you stand, Stand by me. So darling darling, stand by me, oh, stand by me, Oh, stand, stand by me, stand by me. If the sky that we look upon Should tumble and fall Or the Mountain should crumble in the sea, I won't cry, I won't cry, No I won't shed a tear. Just as long as you stand, stand by me. So ,darling, darling, stand by me, oh, stand by me Oh, stand, stand by me, stand by me. Searching For on 5/03/2004 05:05:00 PM.
With some editing.....this sums up the end of my hellish year and a month.
--------- so i cant talk a long time but we need to talk none the less ME really ME sounds serious -------- well it is but its not terribly bad or anything Me lol --------- lol ME I emailed you back ME did you read that? -------- no ME you might consider it ME but I mean feel free ME the only thing it said was that I was done having an slightly frightening emotional outburst and I am doing just swell ME lol -------- i just read it -------- ok im glad your perfectly ok thats great however i have realized im not Me lol Me interesting concept ME so tell me for the 800th time you can't committ ME]: sorry that wasn't meant to be mean ME]: I'll be quiet and listen -------- ]: i want to be friends and as long as neither of us are dating we can still meet somewhere and talk whenever you need to talk but it ends there i cant go on like we were last friday because i liked it however it ended at that i realized i wasnt happy or content i merely liked it as any straight man would -------- ]: lol -------- ]: but seriously i cant Me ]: mmm you're a horrible rebel you know -------- ]: i tried to blow off the fact that you lied to me about ysu Me]: I didn't think you would -------- ]: but that bothers me so much the fact that anytime your emotions run high its like lets lie to make him feel like shit Me]: not anytime -------- ]: to many times Me]: you don't have to explain yourself -------- ]: i felt i did -------- ]: not cause of you but becasue thats hwo i am ME]: I'm tired of the extreme highs and the lows that are so bad I am miserable for what feels like forever ME]: well whatever floats your boat ME]: I really don't mean to be a bitch -------- ]: i agree its too much stress and to complicated no matter how uncomplicated we try to make it -------- ]: and im not willing to try anymoe -------- ]: more Me]: hey I was fine with everything -------- ]: i know but i wasnt Me]: I know Me]: but you could have told me -------- ]: i tried to be but it just dindt work -------- ]: i thought i was ok -------- ]: but the more i thought about it the more i wasnt Me]: ha Me]: lovely ME]: I'm sorry it creates stress for you, as of late it hasn't for me unless you change your mind or what have you so whatever ME]: I guess I feel like I've finally reached the point you did Me]: it's not worth it to bend to your every whim just to be hurt everytime -------- ]: not to be mean but im glad it makes things easier once you do Me]: ha Me]: I'm glad it's easier for you Me]: but whatever, I dont' want to fight or anything -------- ]: im sorry the last thing i wanted to do was hurt you more thats why i made the decision to do this now rather then later ME]: you couldn't possibly hurt me anymore Me]: don't worry about it Me]: and there's nothing you can say to that ME]: and it's not worth saying anything to -------- ]: i know ive been there ME]: congratulations Me]: the fact that you're still able to make someone else feel that way amazes me Me]: it must take great skill ME]: and now I'm getting sarcastic and I need not be -------- ]: if you wish to fight i will go back to my english project Me]: so have fun working on your English project and I'm going to have fun writing my letter to my brother Me]: ugh ME]: I'm sorry -------- ]: dont be -------- ]: its ok -------- ]: i will talk to you later Me]: I apologize for being a bitch, but I'm not going to hide that I feel like shit and you're the cause of it -------- ]: i know it Me]: hasta luego -------- ]: goodbye Goodbye and good riddance. Ugh sometimes I am stupid, I think it's the perfectionist in me coming out, I hate when things don't end the way I think they should and it takes me awhile. But I'm thinking like a clear-headed girl now and I'm glad. Some other day I'll fall in love. Today I'm going to have fun and if I wish to have a one night fling so be it. If there is anything I have learned in my past two years of high school it would have to be that the love of relationships, the waiting until it's special....it's full of shit. You know what, maybe it's not......but after it's ruined for you by the dick of some guy who just can't wait and he could care less what you think, it all seems so less important. From that, I've learned, it's the love and the cuddling.....screw everythign else. Searching For on 5/03/2004 04:01:00 PM.
Closure.....a new thing in my life, but i have it...for real this time. I think it comes from being hurt so much that your emotions just give up and you can't take it anymore. You can't take bending yourself to his every whim just to get hurt everytime. ha, I wish it didn't take so long to learn that. I swear I could write a book on everything I've learned from this relationship from hell. I can also feel myself in the rebound big time, which I need to be VERY careful of. Anyway, thanks all for being the greatest friends a girl could have. Lana, what would I do without you? Love you girl! See you in a few days! Oh and those pictures...I feel the same way....I question....why this war? What are we fighting for? Searching For on 5/03/2004 03:42:00 PM.
I have learned....to stop thinking.....because thinking is bad and only leads to unhappiness. Not thinking is much "free er" Anyway.....I must go write Phil's sad sad letter Searching For on 5/03/2004 03:10:00 PM.
My horoscope for today.....
You've been holding back the flow of a volcano for several weeks now. Perhaps you thought things would happen much quicker than they have, but the timing of progress is like the tides. You cannot make the tide change any sooner than it's going to change. You cannot make the volcano flow before its time. Talk about your situation as it will help prepare you for this time of transition.. By the way, I'm in a rational mood this morning. I'm blaming last night's outburst(s) on my hormones and starting my period. ::sighs:: I really am all about the fairytale endings though, just once I'd like to hear "and they lived happily ever after" for my own life, lol even if happily ever after was say...a week...oh well. Wedding this weekend, so that's exciting! (and I'm blaming my sudden loss of excitment over my brother being formally connected with the love of his life not as selfishness but as a direct reaction to my period.....ha) ugh, okay I'm done, I'm way too grumpy to be typing. Love you all, thanks for loving me when I'm so impossible to love~ Searching For on 5/03/2004 06:52:00 AM.
5.02.2004 I have great friends.....they should tell me I told you so. Instead they just love me...and say there must be something I'm missing..jumping to conclusions.....and if not well....they still love me
Searching For on 5/02/2004 10:47:00 PM.
Okay go ahead and scream it all of you, I know you want to. I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO! ::sighs, cries, screams, cries:: DAMMIT. I hate myself for giving in, I knew it, I should have known it. Blinded by my own foolish hope. DAMMIT. I was willing to give him space, I was so willing. I didn't need a relationship but what I couldn't have was 2 steps back, I could have taken staying the same, but not backward, I could have been his little whore on the side as long as he didnt' treat me like one. Now I just feel hurt.......and used, so used. Oh and when I ask you about your prom, DO NOT TELL ME YOUR DATE WAS AWESOME. GEEZUS a little COMPASSION! Yes I know who your date was, I realize your connection, thank you for making me feel like more of a used whore. I could kick myself. I did this to myself I could have stayed out of this heartbreak. I didn't need anything MORE, I just couldn't have anything less. DO NOT TREAT ME LIKE A WHORE, that was all I ASKED!!!! I could live with being friends but friends dont' do that. I gave him space, I told him whatever made him happy. Treating me like shit shouldn't make him happy. DAMMIT. WHY!? Searching For on 5/02/2004 09:58:00 PM.
I'm a lyrical kick......forgive me... Searching For on 5/02/2004 01:18:00 PM.
I love this poem....when we read it originally (last year maybe?) I made Kris sign a paper that said I wanted it to be read at my funeral, I'm so morbid.....
Because I could not stop for death Because I could not stop for death -- He kindly stopped for me -- The carriage held but just Ourselves -- And Immortality. We slowly drove -- He knew no haste And I had put away My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility -- We passed the School, where Children strove At Recess -- in the Ring -- We passed the Field of Gazing Grain -- We passed the Setting Sun -- Or rather -- He passed Us -- The Dews drew quivering and chill -- For only Gossamer, my Gown -- My Tippet* -- only Tulle -- [*shawl] We paused before a House that seemed A Swelling of the Ground -- The Roof was scarcely visible -- The Cornice -- in the Ground -- Since then -- 'tis Centuries -- and yet Feels shorter than the Day I first surmised the Horses' Heads Were toward Eternity -- Searching For on 5/02/2004 01:15:00 PM.
haha, my dad told me to type what my mom's reading at the wedding. I told him I already did and then proceeded to get online and get it off here. My dad asked where online I had typed it. Then he asked if it was on my website, to which I agreed, a bit shocked that he remembered I had one. He said he'd have to see my website sometime, I laughed. Could you imagine? I'd be sent to Belmont Pines immediately! Searching For on 5/02/2004 01:06:00 PM.
5.01.2004 ~Let's Make Love~
Baby I've been drifting away Dreaming all day Of holidng you Touching you The only thing I want to do Is be with you As close to you As I can be Let's make love All night long Until all our strength is gone Hold on tight Just let go I want to feel you in my soul Until the sun comes up Let's make love Oh, baby Do you know what you do to me Everything inside of me Is wanting you And needing you I'm so in love with you Look in my eyes Let's get lost tonight In each other Let's make love All night long Until all our strength is gone Hold on tight Just let go I want to feel you in my soul Until the sun comes up Let's make love Let's make love All night long Until all our strength is gone Hold on tight Just let go I want to feel you in my soul Until the sun comes up Oh, until the sun comes up Let's make love Oh baby, let's make love All night long All night long Let's make love Searching For on 5/01/2004 11:17:00 PM.
~Happy Girl~
I used to live in a darkened room Had a face of stone And a heart of gloom Lost my hope, I was so far gone Cryin' all my tears With the curtains drawn I didn't know until my soul broke free I've got these angels watching over me Oh watch me go I'm a happy girl Everybody knows That the sweetest thing you'll ever see In the whole wide world Is a happy girl I used to hide in a party crowd Bottled up inside Feeling so left out Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes With my frozen smile And my lighted fuse Now every time I start to feel like that I roll my heart out like a welcome mat Oh watch me go I'm a happy girl Everybody knows That the sweetest thing you'll ever see In the whole wide world Is a happy girl Laugh when I feel like it Cry when I feel like it That's just how my life is That's how it goes Oh watch me go I'm a happy girl And I've come to know That the world won't change Just 'cause I complain Let the axis twirl I'm a happy girl Oh watch me go I'm a happy girl Everybody knows That the sweetest thing you'll ever see In the whole wide world Is a happy girl Oh, yeah Oh, yeah I'm a happy girl ~Passionate Kisses~ Is it too much to ask I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back Food to fill me up And warm clothes and all that stuff Shouldn't I have this Shouldn't I have this Shouldn't I have all of this, and Passionate kisses Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh Passionate kisses from you Is it too much to demand I want a full house and a rock and roll band Pens that won't run out of ink And cool quiet and time to think Shouldn't I have this Shouldn't I have this Shouldn't I have all of this, and Passionate kisses Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh Passionate kisses from you Do I want too much Am I going overboard to want that touch I shout it out to the night "Give me what I deserve, 'cause it's my right" Shouldn't I have this (shouldn't I) Shouldn't I have this (shouldn't I) Shouldn't I have all of this, and Passionate kisses Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh Passionate kisses from you Passionate kisses Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh Passionate kisses from you Searching For on 5/01/2004 11:06:00 PM.
"Strive eagerly for the greatst spritual gifts.
But I shall show you a still more excellent way. If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding going or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everythign I own and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, It does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it doe snor rejoice over wrong-doing but rejoices with the truth It bears all things, believes all things hopes all things, endures all things Love never fails." ~1 Corinthians 12:31-13:8a~ Searching For on 5/01/2004 09:51:00 PM.
~The Reason~
I'm not a perfect person as many things I wish I didn't do but I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you it's something I must live with everyday and all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears that's why I need you to hear I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you and the reason is you and the reason is you and the reason is you I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know a reason for all that I do and the reason is you Searching For on 5/01/2004 08:15:00 PM.
My pictures are AWESOME!!!!!!! I'm so excited! lol it must be the natural glow I'm carrying around ::smiles:: can't seem to stop doing that either. It has been an absolutely AMAZING weekend. Few things could happen to make it better, of course there are a few things, but not many.
I had a whole slew of nightmares last night, every single one I've ever had time and time again. I hardly woke up...and when I did, I couldn't remember what I had dreamt about, it took me awhile. Of course I had some absolutely wonderful dreams inbetween about somebody absolutely wonderful, so perhaps that helped. But I think....I think I'm cured, or over everything, finally. I feel so safe, or perhaps last night was just heavenly and my sleep was heavenly as well. I am so happy, it's unreal. Everything seems so surreal and I can't stop thinking about the wonderfulness of everything. I wish things would go on like this forever, lol well this or even better. I hope when he decides what he wants...I'm included, God I would be so happy! He's amazing and I love being with him. Of course if he decides no, I'll be hurt, but this time. I'm so......his happiness is so important to me, more important than my own (that's so weird to me). I'd do anything to make him happy. Oh and if I do go to OSU, I don't care about the crap I said about not going to college attached. I'd go EXTREMELY attached if he allowed it and he wanted it. I'd wear a freaking chasity belt and I'd beg to let my brother take the car home every single weekend. Okay the reason I filled out my housing to say "Will have frequent overnight visitors..." was for a reason. Okay I'm getting ahead of myself and him. I need to breathe ::breathes:: and settle down. Raw emotion is sometimes a bad thing to sprout off on. Okay, I am calm and rational. I will see what happens, being with him in any way he chooses is absolutely swell with me and I will accept his terms like the good girl I am. lol I'm so bad, I'm even thinking "Wow I hope he has a fabulous time at prom tonight!" Talk about other's happiness before your own. lol it's okay, I don't mind, in fact I love it, it's a great feeling. Okay I'm done, I'm done.....I'm happy happy happy and you all know it... I love you all very much~ Searching For on 5/01/2004 08:14:00 PM.
Trash pick up today ::shivers in disgust:: NASTY! Good conversation with Meghan though, so it was worth it. I have senior pictures sometime after two, so I have to shower and get ready and such. I guess I'm going to have to change in my car, but that will be alright. My cat just jumped into my lap and curled up and went to sleep, which she never does willingly unless I'm in a really good mood. That's kinda weird, but I must emit some weird kind of like...something that she senses. It's cute, although now I have cat fur all over me and I still have to shower off the grossness of trash pick up. It's all very wonderful though....love you all~ Searching For on 5/01/2004 12:51:00 PM.
Wow...I had an amazing night. Absolutely positively amazing...and wonderful...and glorious. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Searching For on 5/01/2004 12:27:00 AM.
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