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4.27.2004 I am....so...incredibly......estatic....for the dumbest reason. Every single person who was guesssed or I have spilled too thinks I am insane, stupid, I will regret it, etc... but for now....I'm happy.....and I sleep..and I'm happy...pondering what to do about Dan who mentioned that he missed me and la de dah.....It's not that I'll be in relationship, it's just that I might do things I'd consider cheating.....might...and Dan just doesn't.....never did......do anything for me. I'd just like to get hired there...and he's a nice guy, I just...not for me........we're different stages of life.....etc...anyway...I am very very happy. Oh and Tim...you were right....never losing hope....works out in the end......(well so far) Searching For on 4/27/2004 10:14:00 PM.
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul; we may preserve
it in the midst of the bitterest pain, if our will remains firm and submissive. Peace in this life springs from acquiescence not in an exemption from suffering. --Francis Fenelon Well......a better day. I had to stay up late reading but... Okay I have this insane idea that I don't know...everything happens for a reason. See yesterday I had the day from hell and the past week has been so much crap and worry and stress and frustration that I just about lost it. I haven't slept normally in sooo long it kills me. I came home and took a nap and was so angry I was just wanted hit something and freak out and just....die. I went tanning and then came home and went back to napping. Then I finally got up and started reading some English but I couldn't concentrate because I was still so upset and so furious. So I started on my treddy and reading b/c it was late and I had a lot to read, then I gave that up and went out to the track, and it was already getting dark. I read and walked until it was dark and then I just let it all go and jogged for awhile and just let everything run through my head and I prayed some desperate prayers that I hate doing and I ran myself ragged. Then it starte to pour so I came home.....and things started falling into place...very slowly. And you know what? Besides staying up late to finish reading and getting up early...I slept...very well and I dreamt....great dreams. And I was happy enough today to be accused of having sex again last night. Which was alright. Sometimes I think I forget that I can't do everything myself and when I let go and let someone else handle it, it turns out alright. I'd say that it was inspired by God, but considering what I'm talking about, that's definitely questionable. But who knows......life is a grand, grand mystery and sometimes things wind up not quite exactly how you expected them too, or rather NOT AT ALL like you expected them to, I guess that's the fun part. And sometimes you're going to do stupid things, knowing it's a bad idea and it's a stupid thing...and that's okay. I told Diana today what triggered my excitement and I thought she was going to kill me. I concurred that if I was a rational, logical, intelligent human being, I would not put myself in this position. But I am not rational or logical, but I am spotanous and rebellious, haha. Sometimes in life you just have to be a rebel........and that is my babbling for today, I must get back to my reading before tanning before working out and before calling hours and buying hair stuff....I am a busy girl today......love you all and remember Lana......soon it will all be over Searching For on 4/27/2004 03:44:00 PM.
4.26.2004 Today is great songs Monday...can you tell?
~ Out Of Control ~I've done everything as you say I've followed your rules without question I thought it would help me see things clearly but instead of helping me to see I look around and it's like I'm blinded I'm spinning out of control out of control I'm spinning out of control out of control Where should I go? what should I do? I don't understand what you want from me cause I don't know if I can trust you I don't understand what you want from me I feel like I'm spinning out of control try to focus but everything's twisted and all alone I thought you would be there (thought you would be there) to let me know I'm not alone but in fact that's exactly what I was I'm spinning out of control out of control I'm spinning out of control out of control Where should I go? what should I do? I don't understand what you want from me cause I don't know if I can trust you all of the things you've said to me I may never know the answer to this famous mystery Where should I go? what should I do? I don't understand what you want from me It's in a mystery it's in a mystery I'm spinning out of control out of control (x8) Where should I go? what should I do? I don't understand what you want from me cause I don't know if I can trust you all the things you've said to me And I may never know the answer to this famous mystery Where should I go? what should I do? I don't understand what you want from me I'm spinning out of control out of control I'm spinning out of control out of control (2:41) Searching For on 4/26/2004 04:26:00 PM.
~ Same Direction ~(Hey!)
Whenever I step outside somebody claims to see the light it seems to me that all of us have lost our patience cause everyone thinks they're right and nobody thinks that there just might be more than one road to our final destination But I'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong cause we're all going in the same direction and I'm not sure which way to go because all along we've been going in the same direction I'm tired of playing games of looking for someone else to blame for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing for something to fill the space was all of the time I spent a waste cause so many choices point the same way I was going But I'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong cause we're all going in the same direction and I'm not sure which way to go because all along we've been going in the same direction going in the same direction same direction (same direction) So why does there only have to be one correct philosophy I don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them and why are you always telling me what you want me to believe I'd like to think that I can go my own way and meet you in the end go my own way and meet you in the end I'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong cause we're all going in the same direction and I'm not sure which way to go because all along we've been going in the same direction going in the same direction going in the same direction same direction (same direction) Searching For on 4/26/2004 04:25:00 PM.
~ What Happened To Us ~
I thought it was too good to be true I found somebody who understands me someone who would help me to get through and fill an emptiness I had inside me but you kept inside and I just denied some things that we should have both said I knew it was too good to be true cause I'm the only one who understands me What happened to us we used to be so perfect now we're lost and lonely what happened to us and deep inside I wonder did I loose my only Remember they thought we were too young to really know what it takes to make it but we had survived off what we have done and we could show them all that they're mistaken but who could have known the lies that would grow until we could see right through them remember they knew we were too young we still don't know what it takes to make it What happened to us we used to be so perfect now we're lost and lonely what happened to us and deep inside I wonder did I loose my only one We could have made it work, we could have found a way we should have done our best to see another day but we kept it all inside until it was too late and now we're both alone, the consequence we pay for throwing it all away, for throwing it all away What happened to us we used to be so perfect now we're lost and lonely what happened to us and deep inside I wonder did I loose my only What happened to us what happened to us what happened to us what happened to us Searching For on 4/26/2004 04:24:00 PM.
~The Reason~
I'm not a perfect person as many things I wish I didn't do but I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you it's something I must live with everyday and all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears that's why I need you to hear I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you and the reason is you and the reason is you and the reason is you I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know a reason for all that I do and the reason is you Searching For on 4/26/2004 04:22:00 PM.
Sometimes I think I post on here when I'm on drugs.....so my apologies for last night's post. Don't waste your time reading, I'm not sure if I was sane.
Anyway...day from hell....English....is.....the devil....I hope it dies. She made me so angry today and I swore I wasn't going to let her get to me, but she did, I wanted to scream and absolutely smash something. I still feel like hitting something. I could do some serious kickboxing about now. Yes I know, really rational behavior that really hurt her. She just ticks me off sometimes and I'm too good of a girl to tell her to go to hell sometimes. Then I just..went I get upset I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. DON'T ASK, LEAVE ME ALONE. Seriously, I feel like I need a sign somtimes because people are so dense. BAH HUMBUG I went tanning today for 15 minutes, it was torture. My skin just hurts. I don't know how people find this relaxing. Fifteen minutes of pure heat and dangerous rays, I almost died. I climbed out because I couldn't take it anymore and 20 seconds later it turned off I'm so tired as well and that doesn't help. I don't feel like going to the Y and dealing with Dan today. For Nate I would willfully repress my next day ice queen routine.....Dan is not yet worthy however. Speaking of which, talked to Nate last night. I of course miss him....tomorrow is my official not 6 month anniversary (Don't write in pen in your agenda unless you're REALLY SURE, lol). But it's all good, I'm sure he's perfectly happy. I went to sleep last night thinking thoughts of us last year about this time and slept blissfully. Can't quite remember his touch anymore, no matter how hard I think of it, so....I guess that's a good thing, perhaps I'm getting over it. Anyway... Aunt Elaine is playing with my hair Wednesday to see how I should wear it for the wedding. Any good ideas? Lana? I have to go out and get stuff sometime soon, today or tomorrow. Saturday I am taking my senior pictures again in the park! Well godfather Mark is and I am so EXCITED....what should I wear???? I Need 3 new poses for the yearbook. hmmmmmmm. Tomorrow I also have calling hours for Pav's mom....poor thing, I love Pav and this is just going to break her up. Send prayers. I was supposed to go tux shopping with Bob, but of course.....that can hopefully be rescheduled sometime soon. Well I must go read a Tale of Two Cities since I literally bombed that quiz today...ugh...the woman...I'm valedictorian and she has to continue making my life bloody hell. Damn her. Searching For on 4/26/2004 04:20:00 PM.
4.25.2004 So tonight I decided guys are extremely complicated. I have these....options? Okay that sounds horrible. But I have these options....and I have no idea which opinion I should choose, because I can't keep them all at bay, that's not fair. But on the other hand...some of them are my closest bestest friends, so I can't just say go the hell away, because I love them. They're all so different though. It's like I just want to have fun my senior summer. I want to cuddle and have late night bonfires and just kick back and let it all go, I don't want to be serious....I don't even want to be tied down. I don't mind if any one of them dates other girls as long as I get some love. (that's terrible). Not even love...just....whatever. Guys are so complicated because see if I want to sleep with a girl...I do (think nice thoughts), I want to lay my head on a girl, I do....if I want to hug a girl I do. Why can't guys be the same way? They're just too complicated. See I don't kiss freely and I don't have sex freely either. But for kissing, sometimes there are just these perfect moments when the guy could be the grinch but your eyes meet and he just was really cute and you just...you lose it...and you enjoy the moment...and then you go "Oh shit" and re-analyze your position. Because things were simple at the first kiss, and the second kiss and the third kiss...until the kiss that meant something, the one that you felt the flutter in your heart and this time you leaned back in for a second......and the guy that you weren't supposed to fall in love with, even puppy love, hell you didn't even really like him.....and then....you sorta did...yep now your plans are all screwed up and somebody's going to get hurt in the end....oh and then you find out the ex is defintely single again and your heart pulls again....BAHHHHHH....GREAT, I love life Searching For on 4/25/2004 09:14:00 PM.
4.24.2004 "Believe"
After love, after love [repeat] No matter how hard I try You keep pushing me aside And I can't break through There's no talking to you So sad that you're leaving Takes time to believe it But after all is said and done You're going to be the lonely one, Ohh Oh [CHORUS:] Do you believe in life after love I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough, Now Do you believe in life after love I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough, Now What am I supposed to do Sit around and wait for you And I can't do that There's no turning back I need time to move on I need love to feel strong 'Cause I've had time to think it through And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh [CHORUS] But I know that I'll get through this 'Cause I know that I am strong I don't need you anymore Oh I don't need you anymore I don't need you anymore No I don't need you anymore [CHORUS repeat to fade] Searching For on 4/24/2004 08:59:00 PM.
"I Got You Babe"
[HER:] They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out until we grow [HIM:] Well I don't know if all that's true 'Cause you got me, and baby I got you [HIM:] Babe [BOTH:] I got you babe I got you babe [HER:] They say our love won't pay the rent Before it's earned, our money's all been spent [HIM:] I guess that's so, we don't have a pot But at least I'm sure of all the things we got [HIM:] Babe [BOTH:] I got you babe I got you babe [HIM:] I got flowers in the spring I got you to wear my ring [HER:] And when I'm sad, you're a clown And if I get scared, you're always around [HER:] So let them say your hair's too long 'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong [HIM:] Then put your little hand in mine There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb [HIM:] Babe [BOTH:] I got you babe I got you babe [HIM:] I got you to hold my hand [HER:] I got you to understand [HIM:] I got you to walk with me [HER:] I got you to talk with me [HIM:] Igot you to kiss goodnight [HER:] I got you to hold me tight [HIM:] I got you, I won't let go [HER:] I got you to love me so [BOTH:] I got you babe I got you babe I got you babe I got you babe I got you babe Searching For on 4/24/2004 08:26:00 PM.
How's the World Treating You?
I’ve had nothing but sorrow Since you said we were through There’s no hope for tomorrow How’s the world treating you? Every sweet thing that mattered Has been broken in two All my dreams have been shattered How’s the world treating you? Got no plans for next Sunday Got no plans for today Every day is blue Monday Every day you’re away Every sweet thing that mattered Has been broken in two And I’m asking you darling How’s the world treating you? Searching For on 4/24/2004 08:25:00 PM.
So of course I can't go a whole week without an emotional outburst. Keep in mind I have yet to sleep since 6:30am yesterday and I just decided to go to a track meet until I realized West Branch was there, so I paid my money, walked in and walked right back out like a 10 year old. For real, on that subject, I wish I'd grow up. Anyway...see sometimes in life there are things you really think you want, things that will make you happy, but these things always have to come second to things that make others happy, but sometimes as humans, I do believe we forget that our happiness comes second and others comes first. The thing is, when the same thing makes two people happy...you have to remember that you need to let the other person be happy with it and you can...well you can survive, the sun will come out the next day. I hate when I get selfish, it drives me mad. I always hate when I decide something will make me happy and I neglect to look at the people I could hurt in the process. You can't just run people over in life, especially people who are trying so hard to accept your relationship and make their own with the same person. I guess I am selfish but every ocne in a while...I just want to be happy...and I believe there can't be anything greater in life than to be loved and loved in return, even if the "love" eventually ends....that feeling, those experiences.......so priceless. But you can't just.....jump into that, it takes time and patience....and you can't jump over someone......b/c that's just flat out evil for one and for another is just leads to tension. Oh I also need to remember not to try and figure out life when A-I'm tired, B-I'm too close to the situation and I can't figure it out in my whole head (and then I try to let out my frustration at myself but draining myself physically and i just get more frustrated). I need some sleep. Pardon my venting.....~love you all~
Searching For on 4/24/2004 01:32:00 PM.
4.22.2004 Why do I always want what I can't have? and when I can have it....I don't want it....
Well of course.....after I can't have it, and I finally can have it...I want it......but why can't I just want it originally? Life is complicated Searching For on 4/22/2004 10:19:00 PM.
I burnt myself to a crisp today and it hurts like hell. I really hate this whole tanning thing... Searching For on 4/22/2004 10:17:00 PM.
I wish I had something to post...no emotional outbursts as of late. Tanning is well....tanning. I still feel the death rays, but it is nice to be tan. I need a haircut and it's driving me insane, it needs to be shoulder length and have short layers...but mom says AFTER the wedding...mrph. Anyway, I have a government quiz to study for and English to read..and tanning and the Y. I feel like life's a chore sometimes...all I'm doing is connecting the dots...waiting for Godot... ::sighs::
Prom is exciting however. I'll be tan...and look good and...have fun...lol. The Awakeathon is this weekend, but we have another service project in the morning so we're leaving early..woooo hooo ----> waives finger in circle <----- Talking more to Dan of course as I have been to the Y everyday this week... not really sure what's going on with that...not really sure if I want anything to go on with that. I think I'm just in a bad mood and need nap....love you all~ Oh and Lana...soon it will all be over babe. I broke out in a rash myself last night and took the Benadryl (sp?).....it's still knocking me out...Well I love you, remember YOU CAN DO IT! lol. Try not to be so extremely stressed....oh and Tim.....wedding???? Searching For on 4/22/2004 02:54:00 PM.
4.21.2004 ~Desperatley~
Every night it’s the same I hear you callin’ my name You’re lyin’ next to me I give into your charms You disappear in my arms I realize it’s just a dream, but Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Shake the sleep from my head And try to crawl out of bed Today is just another day I make the coffee for one I turn the radio on Pretend that everything’s ok, but Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Know there’s no reason to smile It’s gonna take me awhile ‘Cause I still love you desperately Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Watch the sun goin’ down There ain’t nobody around I feel a night in the breeze I keep on tellin’ myself I don’t need nobody else And I can do as I please, but Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now Every night it’s the same I hear you callin’ my name I still love you desperately I still love you I still want you I still love you desperately Searching For on 4/21/2004 03:07:00 PM.
"I've heard it said
that people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun like a stream that meets boulder halfway through the wood We can say if I've been changed for the better? But b/c I knew you, I've been changed for the better." "I like it best just like this Doing nothing all the way So let's lay down in the tall grass Dreaming away" Turn Me On" Like a flower waiting to bloom Like a lightbulb in a dark room I'm just sitting here waiting for you To come on home and turn me on Like the desert waiting for the rain Like a school kid waiting for the spring Im just sitting here waiting for you To come on home and turn me on My poor heart it's been so dark Since you've been gone After all you're the one who turns me off You're the only one who can turn me back on My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes I'm just sitting here waiting for you To come on home and turn me on Turn me on ~Norah Searching For on 4/21/2004 03:05:00 PM.
4.20.2004 I have the best cousin in the whole wide world...I'm so lucky!~ Searching For on 4/20/2004 03:18:00 PM.
Ah well. I am tired. I hate not being able to sleep at night, really it's SUCH a bother. I have to say that I have dealt with it rather well as of late though...I even took a calc test on about an hour and did quite well. I enjoyed the afternoon. Thanks to Carrie I finished my calculus early and spent 7 period getting some transcript stuff I needed and helping the guys out with calc, which was nice to do for once and without rearranging my own schedule in my head so that I could give them my full attention. I guess I am a teacher's kid at heart, and I do love teaching...but...
Life has been so strange lately. It's been so long since I've truly felt single that I'd forgotten...I gave up a lot my close with relationships with my guy friends for Nate just because they made me feel guilty. I'm glad I dont' have to feel guilty anymore and I've missed my boys. JR always makes me feel gorgeous, Joe is a laugh a minute, and Chris is well...Chris is great and I'm so glad he's dating Steph! Now I don't have to worry about me giving him the wrong impression...and it's so free. I love that he and I will be so close to each other for college. I love that I'm taking one of my best friends with me to college! Kyle might go to OSU as well! How cool would that be? ugh, well the he'd finally see me at my...no finest? A little....tipsy shall we say. I've rather avoided that because I am so....touchy feely and so suddenly in love when I'm tipsy. Doesn't matter who it is, I always love them...so it's a good thing Chris is going to college with me, so when I'm outside my head, he'll take care of me and when I'm homesick and terribly lonely he'll be there. I'm always there for him of course, but he's not the insane mess I am. I'm goign to miss Diana A LOT though. I wish she were going to. Growing up is tough stuff... Searching For on 4/20/2004 03:16:00 PM.
4.19.2004 Well it's official. Congratulations to my valedictorian self....and the three others.. Searching For on 4/19/2004 09:42:00 PM.
4.17.2004 So I bought my prom dress today and it's awesome. (of course, who buys an ugly prom dress?) I'ts black and white and strapless and it resembles Diana's in a way. It has a short train. It's great though, I'm so excited! I got gloves of course too and I'll have nails from the wedding still. I also picked up job applications today, so I have to fill those out as well. I still have to get jewerly but I'm so excited! Glorious, glorious day Searching For on 4/17/2004 10:48:00 PM.
4.16.2004 So it was another gorgeous day in Ohio, I even laid out for an hour or so, glorious. Rachel and I went to get applications and check out tanning places then to the Y to play some serious ball. It was awesome. Kevin was there and I caught him checking me out in the corner of my eye. I think it would e fun to date someone like Kevin, because we'd share a love of the same thing. I understand that you don't need to be identical to have a good relationship with someone, but with volleyball, I'm so passionate about it, I think it helps...a lot. Plus I'm highly attracted to him physically, he's got great eyes. It's hard though because we mesh so well to play and it's fun playing together...you hate to ruin that. I really don't think I'm going to have a rebound guy either though. Ugh the other thing that's troubling me is okay, I'm kinda of...nieve when it comes to people liking me, I know when I like them and the feelings mutual...but when they just like me...obvlivious unless I'm smacked in the head with it. Dan is a fun workout partner and I don't mind bsing with him, but as everyone knows I could talk to a wall and be perfectly happy...everyone who works at the Y goes to BW3's after work on Saturday, I want to work at the Y and I've gotten to know most of the people that work there around my age very well, so when he asked me to go last weekend I didn't think anything of it but I didn't go and I wasn't planning on going this weekend but he asked me again tonight and I was like well no, Zack's birthday party is tomorrow night I believe. So now I feel guilty like I led him on...but I didn't mean to. I never said anything about dating, or relationships or anything in that manner. I'm perfectly aware that I am highly attracted to Kevin and have been for quite some time, I mean...I'm not going to play a guy. I feel like a bitch though b/c I don't want to tell him to go jump off a bridge or anything, I mean I think we're cool how we are, I'm just not interested in anything more. But I still feel badly all the same. I'll have to fix this problem soon, although I have no idea how...
Prom dress shopping tomorrow after helping Emily& Co. with the set tomorrow morning. It's either red, black or yellow. I'm hoping red. I hope my mama's up to going....I hate to drag her but it's important to me that she go, but I feel guilty like making her go. I wish they would find a cure or something for my mom. I mean all these insignificant problems I have...they just don't compare. If you want a wake-up call in life....have back surgrey and become dependent on others and watch your mom struggle to breathe everyday. It's horrible, I'd do anything to make it stop and make her stop struggling. I wish I could ease her pain and frustration. I love her so much and I pray so hard every night for her. I know God has his plans, but I'd love to hear what this one is. All in good time I suppose. Well that's enough rambling for one evening. I love you all. Searching For on 4/16/2004 11:07:00 PM.
4.15.2004 What a glorious day! It's so beautiful outside!!!! How anyone could stay depressed on such wonderful days like this goes beyond me. I have no homework tonight...well I did but I finished it and it's not even 4. I'm going to take a lil nap because I am exhausted and then another 4 blissful hours at the gym with Rachel. lol I'd rather go to the park but I'd never get her there. I think we're going to lifeguard together this summer at the Y. At least I'll have a nice tan, I have to take the classes and get certified and such that. yuck. anywayyyy, off for a nip for a bit.. I'm thinking I need to cut my hair short like it used to be back in the sophomore days......
Searching For on 4/15/2004 03:29:00 PM.
4.14.2004 I've been officially completely unattached for 24 hours. I told two people....word travels FAST in a small town. Even Marc talked to me today, and I got a "date' for Saturday night....haha. Crazyiness. Rach and I are working on tanning and playing volleyball this weekend....I so excited!!!!!! Searching For on 4/14/2004 10:04:00 PM.
I'm playing a tournament in June! June 9th! With Kevin! haha! I'm sooo lucky!!!!!! But now I really have to get buff....that's okay I have to be in the pool at YSU in 25 days....ughhhhhh Searching For on 4/14/2004 09:49:00 PM.
"We all fight for what we believe in, so doesn't that give us all common ground?"
~Tom Clancy~ Searching For on 4/14/2004 03:59:00 PM.
4.13.2004 So it's over......forever......time to move on...feels so incredibly strange but...I think it's right and if it isn't well.....that isn't up to me anymore. Ugh, what a way to end your senior year. Searching For on 4/13/2004 10:13:00 PM.
Home from school finally. I should be finishing homework so I can go to the gym, but about 2 hours of sleep out of 48 is starting to catch up to me. This morning I called some idealistic instead of optimistic, calculus was a chore...it was all very frustrating. I had to read A Doll's House TONIGHT all my Ibsen and do my Spanish kiosk and write that journal for English, although those are always easier to write after I have some huge emotional outburst because then I just go on. Or after we finish a play that the guy doesn't get the girl or vice versa, I have field days on those. My emotions are no longer void, although they're dulled due to my fatigue, they're back on high. Well I must get to work, I was hoping to make it out to the gym, but I'm rather afraid to drive b/c I'm so dead, I may go run in the rain, I feel like one of those days...... Searching For on 4/13/2004 04:48:00 PM.
~Wait for a boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you. Wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile and when he smiles you know he needs you. Wait for a boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and have no makeup on. And most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe,...when you find him, love him, keep him, don't hurt him, don't play games with him,don't push him away, treasure him, tell him you love him, let yourself love him, always be there for him and know he always there for you...but most of all...love him without restraint....because he's the love of your life~
"Kiss me too fiercely hold me too tight i need help believing you're with me tonight my wildest dreamings could not foresee lying beside you with you wanting me just for this moment as long as you're mine I've lost all resistance and crossed some borderline and if it turns out it's over too fast I'll make every last moment last as long as you're mine Come be how you want to And see how bright we shine borrow the moonlight until it is through and know I'll be there holding you as long as you're mine" "People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it." Jim Morrison "I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today because I loved you Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun like a stream that meets boulder halfway through the wood We can say if I've been changed for the better? But b/c I loved you, I've been changed for the better." "It's hard to get through to grasp what was lost. Don't turn the light off and leave me in the dark. Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding. I don't want to be left alone, not when I'm right next to you. What are you thinking, it's so misleading. Is it not for me to know, I think it's just hard for you to show." ~Trapped~ "Hands touch, eyes meet Sudden silence, sudden heat Hearts leap in a giddy whirl He could be that boy But I'm not that girl Don't dream too far Don't lose sight of who you are Don't remember that rush of joy He could be that boy I'm not that girl Every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in don't wish, don't start wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose & pearl he loves her so I'm not that girl" Searching For on 4/13/2004 04:41:00 PM.
mmm well I'm void of emotions this morning. I noticed them starting to dull throughout the day yesterday. I didn't do it intentionally, I think it's my body's way of informing me it can't stay on edge for a whole month. I tried to turn them back on last night when Chris was informing me had been talking to Steph and she thinks I use him. GREAT, let me add that to my list of people I've screwed over in my life. I tried to talk to him about it and such but I was struggling to feel just about anything, poor guy. Heavens I don't use him and I certaintly DON'T lead him on. God he knows too many of the stupid bitchy things I've done, how he could want to date and not beat me over the date is beyond me. Besides I'm told him, look you're a great friend but I'm not the least bit interested until I'm blue in the face. ugh. It's kinda of sort of nice to be so devoid of emotion for a bit, flat like. It's been ages since I've been here. I actually don't know if I'm completely void, I think my brain is coming to terms with the fact that once more as nicely as possible (and he surely doesn't have to be) Nate is going to tell to me to go to hell today. One last time. wow. What a day today will be... must go, Diana's here...school....how irrelevant in the scheme of life and relationships.... Searching For on 4/13/2004 06:58:00 AM.
4.12.2004 wow. Sometimes the emotional rollercoaster takes you places you never thought it would. Sometimes I question either it is wise to throw out your thoughts at 1 am when you're tired but flying high on all emotions. I'm still not sure but I'm glad out of everything that was flying out of my head I finally came to and...end? wrong word...anyway I just want him to be happy. I'd like to be happy to but forcing him back into something he doesn't want to be in... that's something I don't want to do to him. The way I treated him....God it was awful. I mean I've learned and because of him my life has turned itself upside down and I've turned me upside down and reprioritized...it was just after. I wonder if we should have actually taken a real break, not just me fucking him over. Like if we had if I would been like...wtf Clarisse, you have some serious apologizing to do and realized it then. What I hate is that I didn't know, I didn't even THINK it was wrong at the time, I was that much of self-rightous monster! I can't even imagine...I don't understand what I was thinking.....anything. I can look back and just say wow. I wish I could rewind a year in time but have all the knowledge and love I have for Nate now and try again. I'm not asking for perfection, just for...not what happened. Not the hatefulness I dealt him, he didnt' deserve, no one did. Sometimes I wish he actually hit girls because there were times that I deserved to be hit. ::sighs:: well he obviously doesn't want to deal tonight and maybe his emotions are still flying so high he's intelligent not to. I hated to make him feel anything not happy, but I am a tiny tiny bit glad at least he felt something. I know I used to turn my emotions off completely toward him without blinking an eye, but now I can't, not even for a moment but he does, and he can be as cold as ice and it's killer sometimes. I deserve it though....well I'm going to have another sleepless night but I'm sure he still has had more than I due to my stupidity. ::sighs:: life needs an instruction manuel. I just want him to be happy anymore...whatever...makes him happy. I was listening to the radio and that song...Just to See You Smile got me. (I hate when songs do that) and really....he deserves to be happy...so whatever makes him happy. I do wish that I made him happy though...
I didn't fall asleep until 4 and was awoken at 5 this morning....I was not a pretty sight, but I'm so restless it matters not, I made it to the gym for a few hours. Was hit on by the same guy, contemplated telling him to go fly a kite, but A- it makes the time go faster, B-it's nothing serious, and he's a nice guy, C-I don't feel anything for him, not the slightest flutter and I've declined his offer to grab a bite to eat many times D- I enjoy talking about my ex to him...really that's generally a pretty big hint. I really should have bought the "I wouldn't fuck you for practice" shirt in NYC, I could have worn it to the gym. ugh... so many things. So many guys suddenly wanting to have sex with me, my best friends won't believe I didn't have sex. Not that it matters what they think, but...it's so ironic. I'm done rambling for the night...I was just passing some time in case he decided to appear, but i have school in the AM unfortunately and I still need a shower. I despise sleeping alone....ugh. love you all Searching For on 4/12/2004 10:26:00 PM.
4.11.2004 My Easter was fabulous! My grandma is sooooo COOL! Everytime I go early to help with holidays, I learn so much and just how much cooler she is. I also learn a ton about myself. I'm really very stuck on this I can be happy anywhere, doing anything, but not with anyone and she's sooooo cool about it. I am a little sad b/c I'm bringing umm MYSELF to the wedding and Lana's bring the wonderful Tim and Roxanna her wonderful boyfriend and well umm....right... bah humbug. lol I'd love to bring Nate but well yes we all know how that's going. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I also have no prom date, okay I do have a prom date, I'd love to go with Bob, but I feel so badly for his girlfriend!!!! My guilt gets me. He'll be such a fun date so that's a great thing. lol you'll never guess who I'd LOVE to go to prom with though...right...also not happening. mmm the whole big fight we had about not going to prom together, the one I caused, yes definitely REGRETTING THAT. I can be so stupid sometimes it's unreal. So stupid! stupid stupid girl....anyway... Mostly as I get more intelligent I learn how cool my parents are and I come to a level of not caring I've never reached before....okay I'd continue but I'm speaking to Nate at the same time and I can't hold both trains of thought....so later all..... Searching For on 4/11/2004 10:46:00 PM.
Today I finally broke down and sent a desperate e-mail to blogger requesting that they fix my blog before I go insane. Two weeks without being able to post is killer and I hate keeping my posts anywhere else on my computer besides my blog because that makes them too accessible. Anyway, I read Lana's blog today and I loved it. I love when people just write their random brain thoughts and you really can see what they are saying. I pondered myself how hard it would be for me to go to Lipscomb (or any other "strict" college for that matter) and not be allowed to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms when life was attacking me. I also thought it would be difficult to not be able to drink, not that I want to be an alcoholic or drink beer (which is nasty) but seriously, what's a little letting go? Fascinating. I love to look at Lana & Tim's relationship or Phil & Jenny's and just be amazed. Sometimes I have to believe a lot of fate and a ton of hard work and devotion went into such wonderful things. So many times Phil should have run into Jenny, but he never did until he was ready to settle down, Tim and Lana could have given up at any moment when the world was against them, but they didn't. Those are both great love stories and they inspire me to remember that somewhere someday...I'll be that lucky. It might be with who I wish it were now or it might be with someone completely different, but someday...I'll be that lucky, that loved. To know that you can get through anything with one person and that one person will always be there for you, no matter how bad things get, that's just..such a marvelous thing, I look forward to it always. Now I think I understand why my mom got married at 19. I always thought "How could she give up her independence, her own ambitions and dreams and goals so young!?" But now I do yearn for that luxery. It's funny how life reprioritize itself, you can try to reprioritize your life, but it won't work, one day you just wake up and BAM! You realize your life has changed...completely. Sometimes it's a combination of things and sometimes it's just one person, but it's amazing. I always thought I could run my own life and not let other people interfer......RIGHT! I was so blind and so clueless. These days I'm always blind and clueless and it seems like life has all these lessons it needs to teach me and they're all coming so fast I can hardly figure anything out. Just last night I was remarking how I'm jealous of my brother and then he calls today and we talked for 2 hours and I remembered how much I love him and how he keeps me grounded and lets me dream and just is the most wonderful brother I've ever had. He says he likes me more the way I am as I've grown up, which is different from most who say they're disappointed that I've lost my fire and my strong independence. But I'm NOT, I don't miss those things, I don't miss arguing with people or fighting with people or feeling hatred or anything. I like me now, although I have imperfections and what not, I like me and it's not very often in my life that I like me. What's wrong with not wanting to be indepedent anymore? Yes I realize I'm going off to college and I'm going to have to be self-sufficient, but that's different from being indepedent. I can do things for myself, I can struggle through my life by myself, but I don't want to anymore. I want to be able to come home and just bitch about my day for a whole hour and not feel guilty and I want someone to know how I feel and how I think and understand me. think the Brad Paisley song, "Somebody knows you now." I have to admit I am picky though. I've given my heart away once in my short life, one completely without strings attached without games...and it was rejected. and that hurt more than just about anything I've ever experienced. To want to so badly to make things right, to want with your whole soul and being...to believe that this is right and what should happen and you're so convinced and you're giving so fully of yourself, so completely...and to be rejected, no matter how gently, or how...anything, it still hurts. It burns your soul and your heart and you lose your life and you're just so confused and you still desperately want everything to work out. When do yo know when to let go? That's the book I want to read, when do you let go of something you've yearned for so long and found...but you found it too late? It's miserable, absolutely awful. ::sighs:: Well Rachel and I are going to head off to the park to enjoy the sun (but don't be deceived, it is freezing out there). The sun does shine these days, the Ohio winter is finally gone. Spring is in the air...oh but I wish I were frolicking my days away. ~Love you all~
NY was....amazing......Broadway was......stunning, amazing, one of the greatest things I've ever seen....more later From Saturday...April 2nd...... Went shopping today, okay tried to go shopping today. Felt like a bull in china shop, it's like I completely forgot how to shop, no joke. I couldn't tell if things looked good, or if they looked like funk.....I was completely clueless. It also made me nervous to walk around the mall alone, I'm always kind of afraid I'll be abducted or something. I know I really shouldn't but I always do. I purely wanted to get new tennis shoes as my old ones are tearing the hell out of my heels and they're not absorbing any shock leading to some shin splints I don't care to have, but mom said I had to buy real clothes. I just got easily frustrated, although I'm glad to be getting stronger and losing the extra surgrey weight.....I'd forgotten how unproportional I am. anyway. Since Friday I've managed to get myself 4 different dates and tonights was partcurarly appeasing, the 23ish year old that works at the Y, is particurarly cute and amusing, I was invited to go to BW3's with the gang, but I just....didn't. I could have but I don't know. The same with the 18 year old attractive and amusing lifeguard and the same thing with the guy that works at the Pizza place and the smoothie shop. On one hand it's nice to know I haven't lost my touch and that I can still be found to be attractive to other guys, but on the other, I don't know. Nate's made it quite clear he no longer wants me so I am free to choose on my own, but, I don't know. I hate to pick up some guy on my rebound and hurt him. I wonder when I can stop worrying about being on the rebound? I should have gone to BW3's tonight, I know all the guys that would have been there and Alaina would have been there for "saftey" issues, but they're all pretty straight up guys. I wish I had gone, I should have gone. I turned my ankle yesterday playing a great game of volleyball. Kevin was so into it and this chic and wow we were killing them and having a blast. Kevin and I are starting to establish this terrific rhythem, which is odd because we've been paying together for such a short period of time. He's a really great guy and he's got such great hands. He's such an unselfish player too, he loves setting. He's also attractive and definitely amusing and what skills! ahh well I need to wash the chlorine out of my hair and get into some comfy clothes and try to stop thinking of boys and what I should have done. New York in a few days... Searching For on 4/11/2004 10:14:00 PM.
MY BLOG WORKS! MY BLOG WORKS! MY BLOG WORKS! YEAH!! Two weeks without was killer.....here some of my back log posts.... Searching For on 4/11/2004 10:10:00 PM.
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