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3.31.2004 Lana & Tim...you guys are wonderful, I couldn't live without you.
I'm happy finally. I'll admit even in my worst I've never felt as horrible as I felt from Thursday to Monday. Now I feel...hope. Perhaps I'm foolish or silly to feel it, but I can't help it. I don't want to give up and after talking to Tim......I can see how great things can come from not so great beginnings. If it's meant to be......well I'm going to help it along a bit ;-) I've learned a ton from the whole ordeal, but the only lesson I'm really interested in learning is forgiveness and the rekindling of a flame (I'd say old and be clicheish...but it doesn't fit). I know they'll be bumps along the way, but well there a few things going for us. Our honesty level can't be beat, he is the only person I am most honest to (mental note...) and I never intentionally lie to him although in high fits of emotion, extremely high fits.. like say Thursday I might, but of course ::sighs:: I will set the record straight. I don't like lying to him, it gives me no pleasure. He makes me happy and I still have that hope thing going for me. I'm not ready to give in he is the best thing that's even happened to me although it took me wayyyyyyyy to long to realize and appreciate that. Let's hope I'm still hopeful after tomorrow evening. love you all, thank you so much for being so wonderful when I'm such a mess~ Searching For on 3/31/2004 03:11:00 PM.
3.29.2004 I love this song
"Watch The Wind Blow By" Creek goes rippling by I've been barefoot and all day with my baby Brown leaves have started falling Leading the way I like it best just like this Doing nothing all the way So let's lay down in the tall grass Dreaming away And all I wanna do is let it be and be with you And watch the wind blow by And all I wanna see is you and me go on forever Like the clear blue sky Slowly, there's only You and I And all I want to do is watch the wind blow by Girl, you know you told me not so long ago To let it come, then let it pass And all your troubles and your sorrows They won't last So let me kiss you now, little darling Beneath this autumn moon Cold wind, another season Will be here soon And all I wanna do is let it be and be with you And watch the wind blow by And all I wanna see is you and me go on forever Like the clear blue sky Slowly, there's only You and I And all I want to do is watch the wind blow by Searching For on 3/29/2004 07:55:00 PM.
Another day has begun and I still feel so...I'm still a mess. Although I respect him for denying me, for not cheapening anything, for not bending to my every whim for showing me exactly how much it hurts to be denied by the person you love more than anyone else, I have to respect that but I most certaintly do not like it, I hate it. I hate the idea of another girl, I despise it. I hate that he thinks that our relationship would have to be stressful and frustrating. I hate that he finds me attractive. If that's supposed to be a compliment, I'll never take it as such, ever. I'd rather he find me intriguing or loving or wonderful, anything but attractive, everytime he says it I feel like I'm being slapped in the face. If that's the only redeeming feature I have, the only reason he ever cared for me...... God I love him. I'm also demented because if this is the way I treat people I love I'm fucked up. I wish he had said yes. I'd do absolutely anything. I'll never play another game. If this is one of life's lessons I've learned and I'm not interested in learning it anymore. I ache and hurt like I never have in my whole life and the irony of it all is that I could have prevented it. I have replayed every scene back in my head and I have taken back every wrong word, every lie, everything, but I can't make it better. God I wish I could make it better. I mostly wish I could take away all the pain and hurt I've caused him. If I could just go back in time and take that back, even if he didn't love me now, if it didn't make any difference, I'd still go back and never hurt him again. I will never hurt him again, honestly, I'd rather be stoned to death. I'll never understand why he didn't tell me he was hurting. It's my own fault and I'm screaming to him that I'm hurting. Why didn't he tell me? I didn't know, I never thought, I was too selfish too think that way. I wish he'd take me back, I'm not stupid enough to think I'd be perfect, but I'd sure as hell do everythign in my power to make it better, to make it work this time, because it can work, because we're good together, he's my life, he's shown me so many different things and I love him for it. and this other girl....that hurts so much. I feel like I'm in a race to say really baby I'll be good I promise. I feel like I'm 10 and I'm begging for another chance to go out and play or somethign retarded like that. I just want one more chance, just one more. I'll do it right this time no more games, no more hurt, no more stress....I have so much more to say but I have to get out of here for school and take a spanish test I haven't settled enough to study for. School is so irrelevant, I'll skip to make things better...I just want things to be better Searching For on 3/29/2004 07:04:00 AM.
3.28.2004 Well being basically slapped in the face by your best friend is always a wake up call. No one ever likes being treated as such by their best friend, but sometimes it has to happen. To make me realize I've already done what's being done to me without a second thought...to see my actions in reverse...but this time to feel the pain... makes me feel...awful, horrible, sick. I can't believe...I'm so sorry, truly I am. I'll never treat anyone that I love this way again...ever I swear it. Searching For on 3/28/2004 08:00:00 PM.
"There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have
touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgiven past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying." Searching For on 3/28/2004 05:15:00 PM.
I wish I knew what he was thinking....Well I'm going to get ready to go to the gym and try to clear my head some more. I really wish I knew it was he thinking though... Searching For on 3/28/2004 12:08:00 PM.
Tonight I actually spilled my total and complete feelings on this whole....situation...to my friends and now I remember how great my friends are, seriously, but I wish I could tell him in the same way exactly what I said. At some points a pindrop could have been heard in the room if the movie wasn't on which made me nervous but sometimes...you just have to let it all out. It was pretty much agreed I had been a bitch and he had every right to make sure I understood that. It was the first time I came clean, can't say it was terribly rewarding but I needed to know...it was the first time I'd poured my heart out in a really long time, literally just let it go out on how I really feel. Some were a little suprised about how different my priorities were and how very important Nate was to me. But really the amount of love was unreal and while my friends are absolutely amazing I still felt the void. I feel like he and I switched our ways of thinking and our paths didn't cross somehow. I'm afraid I'm too late, God I hope I'm not. If I could go back and redo one thing......I never would have lied to him coming home from the stupid VF thing, I would have told Stephanie I didn't want the bet as I was already interested and I wouldn't have been a bitch about things. I would have cleared my schedule and let him into my life completely without reservations. It only took me a year to realize that and a whole year to put him through hell. I want another chance and I've been given so many. This time I won't screw it up though, this time I'm ready and he's so important to me I wish.......I wish it had all worked out earlier, that I hadn't been a bitch to him, he didn't deserve that, he deserved the greatest girlfriend, the most caring and compassionate and....God I was such a bitch and I can't take it back! I can't make it go away! I wish I could, I'd do anything to make it up to him. I just want one more chance, but I dont' want him to feel obligated, I want him to do it because he wants to and because he's trusting me. He's so important to me, I wish I hadn't messed everything up...... Searching For on 3/28/2004 01:10:00 AM.
3.27.2004 Sometimes in life you have to beg and you have to plead and you have to swallow your own pride and beg for someone to love you or give you a chance. If it doesn't work out, then I believe you drown yourself in your bathtub, but I haven't gotten there yet. As hurt and as big of a mess as I have been the last few days, I'm finally saying okay pick your head up, you're not hateful, you don't hate him, you hate you if anything. I can't help it, he's too important to me and although I felt like he knocked me out and I honestly didn't think I would wake up ever again and that the world would stop, I learned like Reba, that the world doesn't stop for my broken heart. And then I decided I could beg and plead for another chance because I can't imagine my life without him. It might be pathetic and it might not work out, but he's important to me and to lose him would be to lose part of me, the best part. I think I love him and I almost wish I didn't just so that would be what he wants. I'll do anything he wants that makes him happy but God if he says he'd be happiest with us being friends for the rest of our lives, that's going to be a rough couple of weeks. I will agree our relationship needs work however. I just hope he's not in love with another girl, that'd be a rough LIFETIME. I wish I could be angry and hate him, but I'm only angry with myself and I'm pathetically begging and pleading but I don't even care. He deserves me to beg and plead. I almost wish he were a complete and totaly jerk so I could be angry. lol hell I was mad because I was hateful to him the other night and this morning without reason. I keep screwing up and I could kill myself for it. I'd do anything to have him "back" with all the adjustments and I'd work my tail off to make it work this time, no more stupid games no more being a bitch no more not seeing him and incorperating him into every part of my life that he wants to be a part of. ::sighs:: I just want it all to be fixed Searching For on 3/27/2004 05:46:00 PM.
She's In Love With The Boy Lyrics
(Jon Ims) Katie's sitting on the old front porch Watching the chickens peck the ground There ain't a whole lot going on tonight In this one horse town. Over yonder, coming up the road In a beat-up Chevy truck Her boyfriend Tommy, is laying on the horn Splashing through the mud and the muck Her daddy says, "he ain't worth a lick When it comes to brains, he got the short end of the stick" But Katie's young and man she just don't care She'd follow Tommy anywhere She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy And even if they have to run away She's gonna marry that boy someday Katie and Tommy at the drive-in movie Parked in the very last row They're too busy holding on to one another To even care about the show But later on outside the Tastee Freeze, Tommy slips something on her hand He says, "my high school ring will have to do Till I can buy a wedding band" Her daddy says, "he ain't worth a lick When it comes to brains, he got the short end of the stick" But Katie's young and man she just don't care She'd follow Tommy anywhere She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy And even if they have to run away She's gonna marry that boy someday Her daddy's waiting up till half past twelve When they come sneaking up the walk He says, "young lady get on up to your room While me and junior have a talk" But Mama breaks in and says, "don't lose your temper It wasn't very long ago When you yourself was just a hay-seed plowboy Who didn't have a row to hoe" "My daddy said you wasn't worth a lick When it came to brains, you got the short end of the stick But he was wrong and honey you are too Katie looks at Tommy like I still look at you" She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy What's meant to be will always find a way She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy She's in love with the boy What's meant to be will always find a way She's gonna marry that boy someday. She's in love with the boy.... Searching For on 3/27/2004 05:37:00 PM.
3.26.2004 Artist: Martina McBride
Song Title: When God Fearing Women Get The Blues Lock up your husbands Lock up your sons Lock up your whiskey cabinets Girls lock up your guns And Lock up the beauty shop No tellin if they've heard the news Call the boys downtown and Neiman Marcus Tell Em' lock them high heeled shoes Chorus: When God fearin' women get the blues There ain't no slap down a tellin what they're gonna do Run around yellin I've got a mustang it'll do 80 You don't have to be my baby I stirred my last batch of gravy You don't have to be my, be my, be my baby Call all the decons Call the ladies aid Call all the altos, sopranos Tenors call every bass Well call all the pentacostals And bring all the annointing oil too Well call the preacher He's the only one who can reach her And there ain't no time to lose Chorus: When God fearin' women get the blues There ain't no slap down a tellin what they're gonna do Run around yellin I've got a mustang it'll do 80 You don't have to be my baby I stirred my last batch of gravy You don't have to be my, be my, be my baby She's on all our prayer lists She's on all our hearts As for the easter cantada We don't know who'll sing her part When God fearin' women get the blues There ain't no slap down or tellin what they're gonna do Run around yellin I've got a mustang it'll do 80 You don't have to be my baby I stirred my last batch of gravy You don't have to be my, be my, be my baby Pat Benetar Hit Me With Your Best Shot Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me That's O.K., lets see how you do itPut up your dukes, lets get down to it! Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Why Don't You Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Hit Me With Your Best Shot!Fire Away! You come on with a "come on, you don't fight fair But that's O.K., see if I care! Knock me down, it's all in vain I'll get right back on my feet again! Hit Me With Your Best Shot!Why Don't You Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Hit Me With Your Best Shot!Fire Away! Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me Before I put another notch in my lipstick case You better make sure you put me in my place Hit Me With Your Best Shot!Come On, Hit Me With Your Best Shot!Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Fire Away!Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Why Don't You Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Hit Me With Your Best Shot! Fire Away! Searching For on 3/26/2004 11:41:00 PM.
I can feel the darkness reaching in
As I touch the place you may as well have never been Love can hurt much more than one can bear When a heart beats for someone who's not there Voices call that only I can hear Who would have thought love was something I would fear Almost home, almost there, almost taste On my mind, in my heart, on my face Searching For on 3/26/2004 08:54:00 PM.
Time to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop crying, to stop feeling angry. It's time to pick up the pieces, remember what to do when you're not devoted. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he walked into my life. I feel alone, hurt and cheated. Happiness is apparently something I am not supposed to feel, ever. I'm not worthy or some such. I almost didn't believe that the snow did indeed come up this morning. I understand why people think the world stops when their heart is broken. It hurts too much to go on it seems and you just want to stop and cry and cry and cry and feel so miserable. You remember everything. You grasp at the memories with claws but you still fall, because there is nothing there. It used to be there, but it's gone. I forget how to live like this. It's miserable. Searching For on 3/26/2004 08:50:00 PM.
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair I will gather myself around my faith For light does the darkness most fear My hands are small, I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken Searching For on 3/26/2004 08:41:00 PM.
3.25.2004 Finally hell week is over. So nice. Had an absolute blast staying with Diana. Physics day tommorrow...shall be interesting b/c we're celebrating the end of our 3rd nine weeks, which is our last for class rank. We're celebrating early in the morning so we don't kill ourselves from the horribleness of physics olympics and so we're not all "sick." I wonder if it's a sin to go to church "sick". Oh well, I promised if I got an A on my research paper I would so, can't back out on a deal. Well I'm going to catch up on some sleep and chill out for a bit. I have league games @ 7 tonight and I want to work out before that and then run home and get ready to go out and party with the girls because they love me and then perhaps out with physics....We have to leave @ 7:15, yuck. Have a fab weekend Lana, lylas Searching For on 3/25/2004 07:14:00 PM.
3.23.2004 Today sneaky plans began to go into action. Haha....we senior physics students need a break and somebody's parents are out of town for the week and I'm staying with her Wednesday night and Thursday night... which could not be better timing....isn't life wonderful? Searching For on 3/23/2004 07:21:00 PM.
3.22.2004 Interesting day.....throughout the weekend I got about 10 hours of sleep....in 3 nights. I bounced off the walls this morning, crashed in calc and went back to bouncing off the walls in physics. But physics well....was fun. We had some interesting conversations of course. I was accused of having a "pregnant glow" seriously, that stuff is funny, but not funny. If I really were pregnant I'd absolutely die. Anyway. I had a marvelous weekend because the family came up but I also had a marvelous weekend for another reason that I am not disclosing because as soon as I devugled my joyous information I thought I was to be stoned today.
::VENTING BEGINS::- Seriously Lana, I apologize for anything I ever said discourging you and Tim in the beginning. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody screws up. If you don't fight with someone you don't really know them and if you can't work through stuff well, it's not worth it. But if you can, well than it's worth everything, absolutely everything. When you finally feel that someone's connected to you and you're ready to do everything possible, anything you're asked to make it work, than it's perfect and no one should kill your excitement and your happiness. It's just short sightedness that....kills me! I was so happy today and all I wanted to do was share it with ONE person, ONE. and when I did I was completely taken back. I mean I could understand if we had an abusive relationship or something, but..... I screwed up, I was the one who made his life a living hell! I'm the one who had to grow up and realize how much he meant to me! Why shouldn't I have the right to go back to him? Damn it, I want to be happy and I have a right to be happy and I am HAPPY! For once in my life, I'm happy, very very very happy. and I'm happy because it's for me, not because I get fabulous grades and everyone loves me and I lead this club and that club and I do service projects and because I'm there when people need me. NO I want to do something that makes me happy, makes so incredibly happy. Makes me forget all the pain and nightmares and I sometimes I can hardly sleep because I'm afraid I'll wake up and realize it was a dream, that's how good life is. I wish I just hadn't told her, then she couldn't have rained on my parade. Yes, I realize it's not perfect and that he doesn't HAVE to take me back. But the slight chance that he could, I'll take that chance. Besides I know I can't have him out of my life, so any part, any role he'll allow me to play in his life I will and gladly. If I have to be a friend then well so be it. Yes I'll agree that it'll hurt to think he doesn't love me and even more that he will love someone else, but I'll take that and I can work on not being jealous or whatever. But I can't take throwing him out of my life and I won't do it again. He many throw me out, but I'm not giving up the greatest thing I could ever have. I don't know where it will lead, I don't know where it is and I don't want to call it anything. I know it needs work and devotion and those I'm willing to give freely of myself with no strings attached. I know he makes me happier than I've ever been in life and he knows me better sometimes than I think I know myself. We're coming up on our 1 year anniversary since we met each other and it's been the best year of my life. I'm tired of playing games, I'm not in to playing games anymore. I hurt him and I'm sorry for it and he could hurt me and I'd only deserve it, I'm willing to take that gamble. So this is WHY I'm okay with whatever he wants. This is why I can hold my own and still do whatever he wants. I'm okay with relinquishing my control he can have it. He can have me and NO I don't feel like I'm giving in and upsetting all the woman who have gone before me! I don't like being independent, I never have. Dammit I'm happy, so why couldn't this person have been happy for me?! Why did they have to make so mad I typed an eternity of venting on my blog? I was so happy and ready to write such happy thoughts. I am still happy. But I'm finding it's harder to allow myself to be happy than I thought it would. Anyway, I'm done venting for the day and I feel much better thanks....lol, sorry truly.....::VENTING ENDS:: Searching For on 3/22/2004 03:41:00 PM.
3.21.2004 A whirlwind of a weekend. My brother is home, Jenny is at the hotel with her family. This is probably terrible to say but I'm glad. I love Jenny to death! She's awesome, I couldn't ask for a better sister. But I'm human and I'm jealous. Before her he told me everything. Now she knows more than I do! lol....so I'm jealous, but I love her, so it all works out in the end. They're such a great couple. ::sighs:: love is a great thing Searching For on 3/21/2004 12:02:00 AM.
3.19.2004 You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your authority. You will crush all the inferior people under the soles of your jackboots, and any who question your motives will be eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane of every other person's existence, because you're constantly contradicting stupidity. Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams of a master race of spellers and grammarians frighten the masses. You must always watch your back. If only your power could be used for good instead of evil. Searching For on 3/19/2004 04:25:00 PM.
Random quiz assesments......
Furnulum pani nolo. "I don't want a toaster." Generally, things (like this quiz) tend to tick you off. You have contemplated doing grievous bodily harm to door-to-door salesmen. -Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally charged. You definitely love the person you're with, and always want to know how they're feeling so you can make sure they're happy. My inner child is sixteen years old! Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while adults might just accept that, I know something's gotta change. And it's gonna change, just as soon as I become an adult and get some power of my own. You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're really cheesy! Have fun with the entire football team. A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and wild fashions. Youre most at ease when you've got all your mates around you and you like to party. Boys are a game and youre always on the ball because you make sure youre always number one. Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature, sociability. Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for attention.. Weapons are not your thing. You would prefer to pummel your opponent to death with your fists and feet. You show a lot of Honor but some power still eludes you. I can give you this power, I can make you stronger, join me. Searching For on 3/19/2004 04:06:00 PM.
Remember When It Rained
Wash away the thoughts inside That keep my mind away from you No more love and no more pride. The thoughts are all I have to do. Oooo..remember when it rained Felt the ground and looked up high and called your name Oooo...remember when it rained In the darkness I remain Tears of hope run down my skin Tears for you that will not dry They magnify the one within Let the outside slowly die... Oooo..remember when it rained Felt the ground and looked up high and called your name Oooo..remember when it rained In the water I remain...running down. Running down, running down running down, running down, running down, running down, ---Piano interlude--- ahhhhhhhh.....running downd Searching For on 3/19/2004 03:33:00 PM.
Seven Years Lyrics
Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song A little girl with nothing wrong Is all alone Eyes wide open Always hoping for the sun And she'll sing her song to anyone that comes along Fragile as a leaf in autumn Just fallin' to the ground Without a sound Crooked little smile on her face Tells a tale of grace That's all her own Fragile as a leaf in autumn Just fallin' to the ground Without a sound Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song She’s a little girl with nothing wrong And she's all alone A little girl with nothing wrong And she's all alone ~Norah Searching For on 3/19/2004 03:28:00 PM.
"Turn Me On"
Like a flower waiting to bloom Like a lightbulb in a dark room I'm just sitting here waiting for you To come on home and turn me on Like the desert waiting for the rain Like a school kid waiting for the spring Im just sitting here waiting for you To come on home and turn me on My poor heart it's been so dark Since you've been gone After all you're the one who turns me off You're the only one who can turn me back on My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes I'm just sitting here waiting for you To come on home and turn me on Turn me on ~Norah Searching For on 3/19/2004 03:26:00 PM.
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes It didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me But I knew it wasn't ever after We'll fight, not out of spite For someone must stand up for what's right 'Cause where there's a man who has no voice There ours shall go singing ~Jewel Searching For on 3/19/2004 03:24:00 PM.
If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve? Fruit smoothies with every meal, Chicken salad and all the family food that tastes so good and makes us so fat 2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell? That's tough...I'm starting to enjoy stores like Bed, Bath & Beyond....but clothes, shoes, etc is always a favorite, movies are great too, Pier 1 is awesome...I don't know too hard to choose 3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be? I'd like to say it'd be a terribly intellectual work, but I have a feeling it would be a sappy romance novel that involved politicals and scandals 4. ...ran a school, what would you teach? not a foreign language unless it were Latin....I don't care what I'd teach, but I'd teach it like the guy on Dead Poets Society 5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it? Oh geez...soulful Norah, sweet Jewel, fun Jessica Searching For on 3/19/2004 03:20:00 PM.
3.18.2004 My aunt is the greatest person in the world, I love her to death. I'd get my A in this woman's English class without her. Of course the second greatest person in the world keeps me sane, terribly happy, happy, loved....happy very very happy. I make no sense I know, I'm going to bed...but I do believe.....it's about time I let myself be happy assuming I still have a chance at the happiness I decided I didn't deserve long ago......wow that was jibberish.....Caution: Don't read....lacks logical thought..... Searching For on 3/18/2004 10:29:00 PM.
3.17.2004 So quiet,
Another waisted night, The television steals the converstion. Exhale, Another waisted breath, Again it goes unnoticed Personal Quote: Please tell me you're just feeling tired Cause if its more than that I feel that I might break Out of touch, out of time Please send me anything but signals that are mixed Cause I can't read your rolling eyes Out of touch, are we out of time? ~Dash.Con. Searching For on 3/17/2004 05:21:00 PM.
"Tried to give you warning, but everyone ignores me / Told you everything loud and clear / But nobody's listening / Called to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me / Told you everything loud and clear / But nobody's listening / I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress / Hand full of anger, held in my chest." Searching For on 3/17/2004 05:19:00 PM.
3.16.2004 haha I love northern Ohio! Snowdays in March! What could be better? Searching For on 3/16/2004 03:18:00 PM.
3.14.2004 It's ironic to me how sometimes things that you fight with every ounce of strength you posses, you force to disappear because you believe they have to, they just wouldn't work into your life no matter how much you wanted them to, you just forced them out and you fought and you struggled and swore you finally had closure on the whole thing and that you had moved on....and then suddenly you realize it never went away at all, you just tried to ignore the elephant in the room, but it was sure as anything still there. All your efforts were wasted and you're back to square one, but even worse, back to square negative one, because now you can't even pretend that it doesn't matter to you, you can't push your happiness away anymore because you're so unhappy because of this one thing that won't let your mind rest. And for once you realize your heart was right, your head was wrong...but how do you fix it? Can you fix it? Is it fixable? Or will the misery last for a very very long time? Searching For on 3/14/2004 05:51:00 PM.
"We tell lies when we are afraid ... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to stand up and reach for the stars. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had." Searching For on 3/14/2004 12:00:00 AM.
3.13.2004 Still sick...ugh. It's been over a week. I tried sweating it out last night.....didn't work so well.
Still very very very confused...particurarly on why I am sitting at my house instead of out with Kyle or Andrew or the crew or Brian or Ray or......okay ANYBODY. I'm going to chalk it up to being sick and not feeling well. That's why I didn't take a shower and get ready and go out or answer my phone all evening...right, right, that's it. It's not because I'm an insane lunatic who just declared she had closure over her ex and then decided "oops, maybe he still holds the keys to my heart" I'm going insane........ Searching For on 3/13/2004 10:26:00 PM.
1. What was the last song you heard?
"Long Black Train" 2. What were the last two movies you saw? Gothika (AWESOME, so SCARY! take your lover, stay in his/her lap) & Antwone Fisher (sp?) 3. What were the last three things you purchased? Gas, movies, posterboard 4. What four things do you need to do this weekend? Finish my research paper, make a poster for spanish, government homework/calc homework, and try and understand my life 5. Who are the last five people you talked to? Bridget! (oh my gosh I'm so sorry for being on you and Mike! I was so scared!), Mike, Denna, Meghan, Aaron, Adam, Tobey, Anthony, Anthony, Stretch, Chelsea, Mealy (lol in one big group, hence more than 5) and my mommy! Searching For on 3/13/2004 01:11:00 AM.
Sometimes I just wish my heart, my mind and my life would all line up and get in sync so that....well I just wish they would. I'm very confused, very very confused. The chapter of my life I thought I had closed has been ripped back open and now.....I'm confused..
Have fun Lana!!!! be good!!!!! but not tooo good ;-} Searching For on 3/13/2004 12:55:00 AM.
3.08.2004 Sick again today, but this is partly due to the fact that I have a sinus infection unofficially (no doctor, just a friendly Z-pack) and partly because I burnt my throat on strawberry. Yes I know, only the very elite of us all can burn themselves on a strawberry. But tonight's homework load was light and I'm hoping to feel better since I slept most of this afternoon. Anyway......I need to go through a light workout and do a bit of calc.......
This will be my first spring break without Lana ::sniffles:: Have fun dear~ Searching For on 3/08/2004 07:32:00 PM.
3.07.2004 What was...
1. ...your first grade teacher's name? Mrs. Meadows 2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon? I liked making pancakes on Saturday morning, besides the only reason I even watched cartoons was because Phil did, I could have cared less what was on 3. ...the name of your very first best friend? hmm....Katie Dick 4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal? I hated cereal, loved it when my mama made me warm milk with rice and sugar 5. ...your favorite thing to do after school? Play outside, I thought it was bloody marvelous. I loved to come home, throw my bookbag in the house and run outside and play with Phil and Aric, climb trees, run, play cops and robbers, tag, ride bikes to the park.....anything......want to know what I still love to do after school? Go outside and play..... Searching For on 3/07/2004 08:46:00 PM.
3.06.2004 Perhaps not...... Searching For on 3/06/2004 03:36:00 PM.
3.04.2004 I miss being in "love" Searching For on 3/04/2004 10:40:00 PM.
So I quit track, one of the worst things in my life. Anyway, then today I get sick in English, of all the classes to get sick in. We're writing essays and then all of a sudden, bam! yep I'm ill. I absolutely despise emptying the contents of my stomach, especially when it hits me so suddenly and in English of all classes. I obviously do not feel well, I'd be content to spend much time in bed not worrying about my English research paper rough draft being due. I'm hoping all I really need is in an increase in my birth control. I'd forgotten how sick I get when I'm not on the pill or rather when the pill doesn't work. I'd rather be pregnant, I mean I throw up every morning, I get dizzy, I pass out, I wake up suddenly and throw up, it's like seriously having the flu. I could not have lived back in the day before birth control, I'd be one of those vapor chics. Still contemplating a prom date, but I'd rather think of it when I'm stressing over my English thing nor sick nor studying for a government test. I want school to be over, I want it to be summer and I want to be working at the Y. Hell, I'd even settle for being in college and madly in love (haha, like I want to LEARN, no I want to fall in love have babies, get married, things of this matter). Enough rambling, just wanted to inform everyone that I was indeed alive...... Searching For on 3/04/2004 08:18:00 PM.
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