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2.27.2004 Better day, and I'm going to the gym with Rachel for a relaxing swim and then some volleyball then a quick shower (at the gym, we're such rebels) and out with the boys we play ball with. They're fun, nothing serious (my favorite relationships, casual yet daring and flirtatious, but never serious), just good natured fun. Today I completely biffed in track jumping on the highest plyo box, I will have a huge bruise from on my shin from it, so attractive. I get extremely frustrated with myself with how sloooooow of a sprinter I am. I guess I realize I wasn't going to grab my dreams this year after back surgrey, but it just makes me so frustrated sometimes. It's like how much harder can I possibly work? I go to practice and the gym everyday. My legs often feel like jello, yet I'm still so out of shape. It makes me so frustrated I could scream sometimes. I have no idea what events I'm going to do in track this year, perhaps sit the bench (that was a joke for all you nontrackers...there is no bench, you cannot hide). This week I need to pick a prom date and then soon my dress... hmm the options...Whom shall I choose Lana?
Have a fabulous weekend all, I love you~ =-} Painter Song Lyrics If I were a painter I would paint my reverie If that's the only way for you to be with me We'd be there together Just like we used to be Underneath the swirling skies for all to see And I'm dreaming of a place Where I could see your face And I think my brush would take me there But only... If I were a painter And could paint a memory I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you I'd climb inside the skies to be with you Searching For on 2/27/2004 05:58:00 PM.
2.25.2004 I am so throughly pissed off (pardon) I don't know what to do with myself. I should have gone to the y so a little one on one kickboxing with the gloves. Only problem is...she wouldn't have been there. She makes me so angry. I am so ticked I can hardly focus on anything at all. I swear, it's about time for mommy and daddy to go in and remind her I am not her little bitch to push around and play games with and call a little cynical wench. I could hit her, Oh I'm so mad!!!
"o what am I not supposed to have an opinion? Callin me a bitch cuz I speak what's on my mind? Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled...But when i fire back! Suddenly the target don't know how to act" "It's sad you only get your fame through controversy...But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say! So what am I not supposed to say what I'm saying? Are you offended by the message I'm bringing?" "Call me whatever cuz your words don't mean a thing!!" So thanks for making me a fighter "But don't, even begin--Feeling I'm the one to blame--Cause you dug your own grave" "i hurt myself today- to see if i still feel, the blood trickles and I am still angry. If the pain outside could match the fury inside, then I would be content, but it cannot. The world is crashing around me and I can't hold on. I'm alone, I reach out to God but he doesn't seem to answer. I go through the days like a zombie, I can't sleep at night, my brain won't stop, it keeps running back to things I'd rather not think of. So I hurt myself again today, to see if I could still feel- i focus on the pain- the ONLY thing thats REAL- If i could start again- A million miles away- I would keep myself_ I would find a way, away from you, away from the hurt and the pain. Away from it all" Cort. of Jody and myself~ Searching For on 2/25/2004 08:35:00 PM.
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a
thought without accepting it." -Aristotle "Wit is educated insolence." -Aristotle "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function." -F. Scott Fitzgerald "There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have." -Don Herold "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." -Rudyard Kipling "History is a vast early warning system." -Norman Cousins "We would like to live as we once lived, but history will not permit it." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy "History is a relentless master. It has no present, only the past rushing into the future. To try to hold fast is to be swept aside." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy "History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." -Napoleon "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -George Santayana Men are apt to offend ('tis true) where they find most goodness to forgive." -William Congreve, The Old Bachelor, 1693 Searching For on 2/25/2004 05:55:00 PM.
2.24.2004 Tests, tests, tests, projects, research papers.....overwhelming. I was called a cynical little wench today by my English teacher, we're not getting along, which not a good thing. This means in the past few days I've managed to to get a 1, and a 3 on my quizzes, that gives me a 4/10 or for you math people a 40% average, I'm sure today's well be even better. I just hope she and I get on better terms, fast. Also that she is kinda enough to look past her egostical self and give me a fabulus grade on my outline. If not...it's going to be the quarter from hell, oh wait, it already is. ::sighs:: I hate poetry and I'm tired and I won't be able to go to the gym until Friday right after practice and then rush home to shower so I can sing at the game. I feel so grumpy. What do horrible weeks have to rush at you, why can't teacher's spread things out? I either have no tests and scholarships due or I have 1 or 2 in every single class and 3 scholarships due. bahhhh Searching For on 2/24/2004 06:38:00 PM.
2.22.2004 When was the last time you...
1. ...went to the doctor? well I got bited by a speeder on my big toe and my big toe swelled up and turned black so I cutted it off and the it bled and Susie said I had to go so I tooked the cow too since she was bited by a speeder two 2. ...went to the dentist? Well, i rekkon its been since 1987 when i went to der dentist. ... and i had this big hurtin in my tooths you see... it felt like a big tracter was tied to er strang and pulling on my ankles... it hurt so damned bad. but i went to dat dentist and all he did was put me in ther big chair and pull all my tooths ... hurt like hell 3. ...filled your gas tank? 4. ...got enough sleep? 5. ...backed up your computer? Searching For on 2/22/2004 12:05:00 AM.
2.18.2004 Okay double dipping every night for the week.....bad idea. I've been to the gym, track practice, and PT all this week and will continue all this week. This would be fine and well if I didn't do at least 2 of them every night. I don't hurt, which is overly wonderful, but every bone in my body aches and all my muscles are screaming. The amount of calories I'm burning is wonderful and I'm glad to get back to such a tough workout schedule, but it sure takes its toll. Likes like an early night for me and an early morning, I just tried to read for government and English and do some things and I just about fell over, I actually fell asleep reading. The pain is a good pain, I can feel my muscles starting to feel like muscles again. I try not to worry about my brain because I know I always do best when I'm busy and my body feels like hell. It all works out in the end if you still give everything, everything you have, 110% all the time. I know I'll thank myself when I'm strong and I can finally fit my ...um mis pompis (to be polite) into my clothes without feeling like I'm sufficating (which of course, is a feeling I really don't like. I enjoy buying my clothes a size or two too big so that I can be comfortable at all times......) Well enough boring you all and enough complaining. It is wonderful to be able to work out so hard again anyway. I must get some English done before giving in to sleep. love you all~ Searching For on 2/18/2004 08:07:00 PM.
2.17.2004 Well I woke up as though dead today. After my lovely workout yesterday my body died, plus I had 2 tests today and a project due, so I was doing some last-minute desperation studying in the AM. So of course I liked nice today...haha, I looked like funk. It's all good though, I'm just going to the gym with Rachel tonight so....I must write an English journal while I have the opportunity and work on my research paper (yuck). I finish my calculus in school today and didn't even realize it! How lucky am I? That's a beautiful thing. Well off to work on the research paper I am AVOIDING like the plague. love you all~ Searching For on 2/17/2004 03:39:00 PM.
2.15.2004 "So quiet,
Another waisted night, The television steals the converstion. Exhale, Another waisted breath, Again it goes unnoticed Please tell me you're just feeling tired, Cause if its more than that I feel that I might break. Out of touch, out of time Please send me anything but signals that are mixed, Cause I can't read your rolling eyes, Out of touch, are we out of time?" ---------> Who sings this? Searching For on 2/15/2004 10:29:00 PM.
2.13.2004 She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh
She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh You think you've lost your love Well I saw her yesterday, yi - yai It's you she's thinking of And she told me what to say, yi - yai She say she loves you And you know that can't be glad Yeh, she loves you And you know you should me glad She said you hurt her so She almost lost her mind But know she says she knows You're not the hurting kind She say she loves you And you know that can't be glad Yeh, she loves you And you know you should me glad She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh With a love like that And you know you should be glad You know it's up to you I think it's only fair Pride can hurt to do, apologize to her Because she loves you And you know that can't be glad Yeh, she loves you And you know you should me glad She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh She loves you, yeh, yeh, yeh With a love like that And you know you should be glad. 1. Are you superstitious? For some things, pre-game, pre-track rituals, stuff like that 2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition? haha Carrie and her "first place underwear" 3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition? Breaking a mirror 4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual? Pre-game stuff...you don't even want to know, pre-race stuff, I throw up, it's not pretty. We have some other stuff, but it's so cheesy! 5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not? It's fun to read, but I don't bet the ranch on it In that MR mood~ "In the name of love one night in the name of love You crazy fool I won't give in to you Just one night give me just one night there's no way, cuz you can't pay. Off to Columbus in the morning, getting my own pass to the Y (YIPPIE)! It's a wonderful life you know? Everyone have a fabulous FRIDAY THE 13TH..and Happy Valentine's Day!!!! I love you all!!! Searching For on 2/13/2004 12:33:00 AM.
2.12.2004 ?Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.?
--Harriet Braiker Searching For on 2/12/2004 07:22:00 PM.
BEN FOLDS FIVE
The Last Polka Well, she crept back in the house at half past three Shook her head to see him snoring in his sleep If you really loved me she said I wouldn't have to be so mean He's a heap of junk that pours from his top drawer Sometimes likes to spread it out around the floor It's evidence of what he was like He likes to remember when... Sha la la, sha la la lo li The end is growing near We're treading water now And holding back our tears And the day is rising We're sinking sha la la lo li In a minute it will all be coming down And they know it now but no one makes a sound Such a shame to ruin this bright Lazy summer day... My my, the cruelest lies are often told without a word My my, the kindest truths are often spoken, never heard She said, "You've been pushing me like I was a sore tooth. You can't respect me 'cause I've done so much for you." He said, "Well I hate that it's come to this But baby I was doing fine. How do you think That I survived the other 25 before you?" Searching For on 2/12/2004 06:37:00 PM.
A four day weekend..with lots to do. I'm excited to go see Phil this weekend. We're leaving early tommorrow. Seeing my brother for snapshots at time just doesn't cut it. I'm so glad to be going to OSU so that he can be a part of my life again. Since we're leaving early, I didn't head out this evening, plus I have no car. Home alone...blissful except for the fact that my leg is swelling and back is killing me. I need a massage. I want to meet the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with for Valentine's Day...whatadda guys think? haha. I need to get Phil a gift one the way tommorrow. I'm sure we'll do lots of shopping so I'm not worried. Love you all..but I need a nap like no other. Searching For on 2/12/2004 06:34:00 PM.
2.10.2004 To love or not to love, that is the question that swirls in my mind every waking moment Searching For on 2/10/2004 11:03:00 PM.
All courtesy of Josh...isn't he the sweetest thing?
"There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgiven past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying." Hopes and Dreams "Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid ... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to stand up and reach for the stars. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore) What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them *** People live, but people die. And I want to tell you that you are a friend. If you died tomorrow, you would be in my heart. You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life, I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember, take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you, and always will. I LOVE YOU!!!!" Searching For on 2/10/2004 09:41:00 PM.
Today I came to a few conclusions-
1. I have a split personality. I can make a decision, feel fully confident that's it what I want...and feel completely the opposite 2 seconds later...perhaps I should seek drugs for this.. 2. If you want to do something you probably shouldn't...ask Huda, she'll figure out all the details for you, so you don't screw it up and get caught. 3. Physics blows...so does civil engineering 4. I don't understand how clocks work 5. Calculus is tedicious and time consuming 6. The AMC is impossible..and there is a grade 13 7. "Intimations Ode" may be a worse Romantic poem than "Ode to the Wind" or "Ode to a Grecian Urn" 8. Coming up with nice things to say about everyone in NHS is interesting 9. Cap & Gown pictures are in black and white...and now we hope no one has lice since we all wore the same caps... 10. I don't want to be an accountant 11. The Beatles are fabulous and Bohemian Rhaphsody a fun but tedious song...a little tune called "Let There Be Music" lacks also..you can't fake latin words while singing 12. People covet money....money is very very dirty and disgusting, there for people covet dirty and disgusting things Searching For on 2/10/2004 09:21:00 PM.
2.09.2004 My day started off interestingly. I couldn't fall asleep until 1, at which point I began throwing socks at my parents bedroom door because my dad would not stop snoring. By 1:30, I was up and requesting that he stop snoring. By 3am my mom was obviously sick with the flu right outside my door. Nice, nice. Kyle was unusually nice to be me this morning however and I was allowed to drive today, which I always appreciate. Therapy was pretty tough and my leg is still swelling and tingling. But I'm getting that checked out this week. I also realized that my mom works 3-11 this week and my dad is coming home late, particurarly thursday night. Daddy has conferences and mom is working 3-11. That leaves me with a quiet house (and no car). Still, it's an exilerating thought. Now I'm tired, cranky, my bridge isn't working out, it's too heavy, blah blah blah. I'm tired and I have so much to do. Oh..and we're still missing $2,000 in the account and NONE of the balance for the account match. I stormed out of the office today screaming that I am not the auditor of the school or the treasurer and it's not my fault that they screwed up the money. I should have been more rational, but I really just can't take anymore of that hell, it's ridiculous, it's not my job. I'm done bitching for the night...I must do homework...hasta luego Searching For on 2/09/2004 06:06:00 PM.
2.08.2004 I suppose on occasion I should write a terribly boring post instead of a suddent outpouring of emotion. It was a quiet Sunday. I worked on my bridge for most of the day and got very little accomplished most unfortunately, it's due Thursday. I have no idea when I'll get that done. I worked on my research paper a bit as well, popped by the Poland library with daddy as I (of course) have lost my library card. I now have a nice stack of books, most of which are referred to in other books. I did not complete the scholarships I wished to, perhaps next weekend..right..while I'm in Columbus. Ah well. Who needs college? I'm just going to college to get married anyway, I despise school and all learning. Well I shall review some calc like a good girl before class tommorrow (right, I'm only doing it so I'm not sitting there staring at her as though she was speaking Greek). I love you all. Lana darling, do feel better soon, although after a few days those painkillers will make you feel JUST fine ;-} kiddin'! love you babe, feel better though! btw- How is your everso wonderful boyfriend doing?
I love John Lennon...who doesn't? Imagine Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine all the people living for today... Imagine there's no countries, It isnt hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too, Imagine all the people living life in peace... Imagine no possesions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man, Imagine all the people Sharing all the world... You may say Im a dreamer, but Im not the only one, I hope some day you'll join us, And the world will live as one. Searching For on 2/08/2004 07:54:00 PM.
2.07.2004 Please Come To Boston Lyrics
Please come to Boston For the springtime I'm stayin' here with some friends And they've got lots of room You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk By a cafe where I hope to be workin' soon Please come to Boston She said no, boy you come home to me Chorus: (And) She said, hey ramblin' boy Why don't you settle down (Boston, Denver, L.A.) ain't your kind of town There ain't no gold And there ain't nobody like me I'm the number one fan Of the man from Tennessee Please come to Denver To see the snowfall We'll move up into the mountains So far we can't be found And throw I love you echos Down the canyons And then lie awake at night Until they come back around Please come to Denver She said no boy you come home to me Repeat Chorus: Now that drifter's world Goes round and round And I doubt if it's ever gonna stop But of all the dreams He's lost or found And all that I ain't got I need somebody I can cling to Somebody he can sing to He said please come to L.A. To live forever A California life alone Is just too hard to build I live in a house that Looks out over the ocean And there's some stars That fell from the sky Livin' up on the hill Please come to L.A. I just said no Boy, you come home to me Repeat Chorus I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee Tennessee Searching For on 2/07/2004 11:25:00 PM.
Moving Oleta was the hardest thing he'd done
The nurses saw an old woman crying, but he saw the love of his life She don't know where she is, but she knows this isn't home Love is a hard, hard road He met her in the summer of '37 In a brush harbor down on the Rush Creek shore He loved her black hair and the mischief in her smile But she won him with her eyes All the years and children grow He still sees her the same Love is a hard, hard road He woke up each morning and drove into town He stayed all day 'till her dinner came Then he took her to her room, leaned on her wheelchair like a walker And covered her with a quit that she made Only God and a couple of nurses helped the old man shoulder the load Love is a hard, hard road And he said They tell me this is all that's left Say this hell on earth is best I list all those reasons and I still don't understand it He cursed his body old and weak Tears of failure burned his cheek And he said Oh, don't you know I prayed to die before this day Love is a hard, hard road There's a shadow much darker than the valley of death When you fear the reaper might not come today They line 'em up in La-z-boys out in the sunroom The TV keeps the quiet away She can't recall his name And she's the only love he's known Love is a hard, hard road Love is a hard road Moving Oleta was the hardest thing he'd done Searching For on 2/07/2004 11:23:00 PM.
So I here sit, playing a mind game with a bottle of painkillers. I didn't go out with the girls tonight, to make a night of joyous memories and happiness. Instead, I iced my knee 20 minutes, 20 off over and over again until I hoped it would be numb enough that I could stand it. Not so lucky. I don't understand. Okay maybe once, back surgrey, okay I got the point, stop acting like a bitch and that the world revolves around you. But I don't understand this one. I'm not even over back surgrey yet. Crimony. I hate being a whiner. But I feel like I'm watching my life go right back down into hell and this time I'm going at it alone. I hope the results of the test are negative for need of surgrey....but I also hope this pain goes away. For now...I'm going to ignore it, or try...but obviously..it doesn't work so hot, but...tommorrow is another day, it'll be better, I know it. Searching For on 2/07/2004 10:23:00 PM.
mmm. so. I'm making a Josh Groban CD for Danielle, since I'm assuming I'll see her tonight. My knee is swelling quite nicely this evening (look at that optimism!). Lana's on darvaset, I'm sure she'll have a lovely few days! haha. Have fun dear, and don't get insane when you go off of it. I'm awaiting a phone call from Mercedes, which of course won't be for a few hours at least, which is perfectly fine with me, my choice. I mean I could have sat there all dressed up and watched my knee swell, haha. I am kinda sad though, I missed both my homecomings of my senior year due to stupid stupid stupid reasons. The body is such a complicated thing. Well......I'm just babbling and I have a feeling I'll have a long post tommorrow from the festivities...or Monday perhaps. After we don't sleep all night and then go to breakfast and do homework and such...I am off~ Searching For on 2/07/2004 07:48:00 PM.
1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Gotten in the car with Rachel on a snowy evening! kidding umm, I'm so not a rebel. I'm thinking....a few things my sophomore and junior year were really not smart.
2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of? umm. I'd love to go absolutely insanely unlike me for a whole weekend. 3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle). I have very big division in my life. On one side I'd say like a 2, on the other I'd say...an 8 4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky? umm hmm umm 5. ... and what's the worst? lol there could actually be a list for this, but I'm just not in the mood. haha. I'm going to go be undaring and unrisky and go for a jog. Searching For on 2/07/2004 02:31:00 PM.
2.05.2004 So.....I have this fatty tumor thing in the back of my knee (gee and I thought they were cinders). I thought I just pulled my calf muscle a lot. It means more numbness and tingling and yet another pinched nerve and pain...and possibly...surgrey. I can't believe this. I can't take another surgrey my senior year! If God is testing me...I'm not laughing, praying...but not laughing.... Searching For on 2/05/2004 08:10:00 PM.
2.04.2004 I don't want to grow up
I'm a Toy "R" Us Kid, There's a million things @ Toys "R" Us That I can play with From bikes to trains to video games Its the biggest toy store there is Gee wiz! I dont want to grow up Cuz baby if i did, I wouldnt be a Toys "R" Us kid! ... Searching For on 2/04/2004 09:20:00 PM.
2.01.2004 Well I, I still can remember times
when the night seemed to surround me I was sure the sun would never shine on me and I thought it my destiny to walk this world alone.... And I don't regret the rain Or the nights I felt the pain Or the tears I had to cry so many times along the way Every road I had to take Every time my heart would break It was something I had to get through... lol this 3 nights in a row I've dreamt to vividly and so ridiciously, it's so weird, lol. I also beat myself up I have bruises everywhere. Geez who would have thought sleeping could be so brutal? My first semester of my senior year is over. One more until....al fin. I'm pondering what job I want to have for summer. I don't think I want to sell food at all. I might help Judy out when she needs me, but of course, daddy says a "Full time" job. Wonder of wonders...oh and I'm getting a pass to the Y so after my 3 weeks are up (okay so I'm going with Rachel on all Tuesdays and Thursdays and after PT on Fridays this month) I can go there constantly. Just think in a year...I'll be through my first semester of college...amazing isn't it? Searching For on 2/01/2004 11:32:00 AM.
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