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1.31.2004 I had the most wonderful dream today, because, I am, out of sorts. My poor poor hormones, they're raging and they cannot seem to quiet down. I fell into a deep sleep and ruined my whole day and so much to do this weekend. But the dream was very.....vivid and very wonderful, I suppose that's the one great thing about raging hormones at least the dreams are crystal clear and memorable. But alas...tommorrow is hell. Scholarships...homework...religious education....it's all too much. Happy Birthday once again Lana~ I hope it was simply marvelous darling~ Searching For on 1/31/2004 09:41:00 PM.
1.30.2004 Although it's a bit over an hour away...I wanted be the first to say (Sing) (sings in very high pitched elderly woman voice...Lana you know this one) "Happy Birrrrrrrrrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaaaaay toooooo Youuuuuuuuuu, Happppy Birtttttthdddddday too yooooooou. Happy birthday dear Lana, happy birthdddddddday to you." lol I love you girl! Have an absolute wonderful awesome blast! and..you are the best jackass I've ever known. hugs & air kisses! Searching For on 1/30/2004 11:54:00 PM.
You have just won one million dollars:
1. Who do you call first? LANA! 2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself? oh geez. In all honestly...this is so sad...a jet or some kind of plane so I can fly and see my family whenever I want! 3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else? My parents their dreamhouses and cars 4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom? naw I'm greedy. lol yes to charities and such 5. Do you invest any? If so, how? Yep I ask my brother for his advice and invest away. I live comfortably, in a nice house with nice things, but not huge, with a safe car, okay and I'd buy a new wardrobe. But other than that....I'd prolly even still work...but I'd do whatever I love Searching For on 1/30/2004 11:51:00 PM.
1.29.2004 Interesting day. Searching For on 1/29/2004 03:54:00 PM.
1.28.2004 I can't believe Lana will be 19 in a few days! How unbelievable. "She's growing up so fast!" haha, we're growing up so fast.....So do tell Lana, what are the plans for the birthday celebration? Searching For on 1/28/2004 07:10:00 PM.
Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio
You may be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh) if: 1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange! 2. You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter, and Construction. 3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university. 4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones. 5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south." 6. You know if other Ohioians are from southern or Northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. 7. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati. 8. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point. 9. You measure distance in minutes. 10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. 11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat! 12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. 14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" 15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 17. You carry jumper cables in your car. 18. You know what 'pop' is. 19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown. 22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. 23. You realize your state is the only one that greets you everytime you say it (Oh-HI-O) Searching For on 1/28/2004 03:22:00 PM.
1.27.2004 Another snow day. God is so wonderful. Home alone...good time to have Nate over ;-}
(lol, he'd so never, such a good boy most unfortunately) Searching For on 1/27/2004 07:13:00 AM.
1.26.2004 I just typed up a physics report at 6AM......I am so so very ill. I think....I think I need another drink... Searching For on 1/26/2004 07:16:00 AM.
I think...I should have taken an easier senior schedule...when daddy refilled out my schedule for me I should have objected. I should have realized the only reason I have the schedule I have is because my father is an insane man...not that I don't love him, but I'd like to see him do some of this stuff. ah well.....tommorrow tommorrow...... Searching For on 1/26/2004 01:10:00 AM.
Okay so it's a blizzard out there. Seriously, I just got home from seeing "Elf" and there is at least a foot of snow on the ground and the roads are horrid. Scary driving home. Now it would be beautiful sled riding weather...if I could actually ride sleds but of course the parents strongly object to this idea. I took Bridget home as a gesture of good measure but it was probably not the brightest idea I've ever had. I believe Marc likes Lindsay...could be me, but...I doubt it. Marc and I have never gotten along terribly wonderfully. He's a great guy and all...we've just...never spent a ton of time together. He's fun to watch movies with though and he's a pretty great athlete. Horrid at Spanish of course, but...eh we all have our faults. We went to the gross theater that I have severe problems in with germs and such and I sat down in the seat that my whole entire ass could fit into the part that had sunk in. I of course was very rational and screamed and jumped up and moved a seat over. However Marc ever sat in that seat the whole movie...I know not...I would have died. But then I am afraid of germs...could be worse though, I could be afraid of smelling like food (Bridget is...I love the girl, but it's the biggest PIA ever). I hate people who are afraid to laugh unless everyone else is. I love the first laugh, that one cracks me up, it's the merriest and the truest. I also laughed and the attention my chest received tonight, admittedly I never wear much else than my sweatpants and sweatshirts as of late, and there are lines appearing in my tummy for my little 4-pack... but it was like they'd never seen my chest or the rest of me before. Mike cracked me up, I almost offered him a closer viewing but I remember I was in public and stayed a good girl. You'd think with as many girls as our guys have slept with they'd stop being fascinated by such. Plus Mike and I grew up with each other, I'd bet he saw me in my birthday suit most days. I found it mildly amusing. The girls actually liked my shirts, so I took their compliments and laughed at the guys.
My eyes are getting so horrid as of late I actually broke down and have begun wearing my glasses, but Tuesday I get my contacts thank goodness. Going blind was not on my to do list but oh well. hmmmm what else what else. I saw "The Butterfly Effect" last night and it was the most emotionally draining movie I've ever seen. One of those movies that you HAVE to see with your beloved because it's just terrible and it forces you to want to crawl directly into his lap and hide. Rachel and I hated it. It was so depressing. Don't go see it So I didn't talk to Nate all weekend which was depressing. I did have things planned though and Meg and Rachel would have killed me if i had backed out. Plus Julie needs us to be there for her. But my conscious did nag at me. Such an ungrateful thing a subconscious. Anyway, I have therapy in the AM (although with the blizzard....HA!) and I'm not yet used to seeing so well so after a few minutes I tend to start feeling ill. Contacts....Tuesday......thank heavens. Bless good ol' Benny Boy for his invention of spectecles...twas the greatest man that ever lived, although I'm terribly biased. I wish he were around now...I know I'm weird...you'll have to excuse me. Night all~ Love you dearly~ Feel better soon Tim Searching For on 1/26/2004 01:02:00 AM.
1.24.2004 I have a friend who writes the most...I don't even know how to describe them...she writes...amazing things. She's in college now but she always remembers some of the terror of high school, our high school (believe it or not, my tiny little school has some ugly stuff attached to it) If I hadn't had her growing up I think I may have turned out to be a truly different person, anyway, that's where some of the quotes I post come from....
"When it happens to someone else you say "how sad," you say, "poor thing." But when it's you, it's more, it's everything....you'll never know the nightmares, you'll never feel the pain you've caused, you'll never see the scars you left. You took my body, tore it in half, you took my childhood, my heart and my laugh. You took everything I kept for myself and now you're gone. I'm not your poor thing..." Searching For on 1/24/2004 02:37:00 PM.
1.23.2004 Some quotes and a most wonderful song Lana has introduced me to. And Lana dear, please give me a ring a ling this weekend (I forget your dorm #, I am most sorry about that) if you get a chance. Nothing important of course...just chit chat. Love you babe~
"Hands" If I could tell the world just one thing It would be that we're all OK And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful And useless in times like these I won't be made useless I won't be idle with despair I will gather myself around my faith For light does the darkness most fear My hands are small, I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken Poverty stole your golden shoes It didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me But I knew it wasn't ever after We'll fight, not out of spite For someone must stand up for what's right 'Cause where there's a man who has no voice There ours shall go singing My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own I am never broken In the end only kindness matters In the end only kindness matters I will get down on my knees, and I will pray I will get down on my knees, and I will pray I will get down on my knees, and I will pray My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken We are never broken We are God's eyes God's hands God's mind We are God's eyes God's hands God's heart We are God's eyes God's hands God's eyes We are God's hands We are God's hands "Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs." -Christopher Morley, Inward Ho "Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals." -Agnes Repplier, Points of View Searching For on 1/23/2004 09:08:00 PM.
What kind of Friday would it be without........the Friday five?
At this moment, what is your favorite... 1. ...song? That's tough because it depends on my mood. Whiskey Lullaby and I'm thinking about doing Norah's "No Easy Way Down" or "Turn Me On" for spring so I've been listening to those. Lauren and I might have a duet on those...but to take second alto or first.....prolly first...anyway..moving right along 2. ...food? Chicken salads as in actual salad with chicken not the interesting mix with mayo and stuff... and vegetable soup for some strange reason. 3. ...tv show? haha watch tv? in my spare time? Stargate, lol. CSI or Joan of Arcadia or Sex in the City, 1-800-Missing, Golden Girls.....Will & Grace 4. ...scent? mmm every single thing Kyle wears day to day. I used to have them all memorized back in my obsessive days...now I just happy knowing he smells good and sits next to me in most classes, lol. 5. ...quote? "It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hard put more upon a man than he can bear. Worry is rust upon the blade. It is not the revolution that destroys the machinery, but the friction. Fear secrets acids; but love and trust are sweet juices." --Henry Ward Beecher "No it isn't very easy when each road you take is one more mistake, and no one can break your fall and lead you back home" ~Norah "One must lose one's life in order to find it." --Anne Murrow Lindbergh "See I've been here before, left a good thing behind Can't see where I'm going, maybe love's really blind And I'm so afraid to lose the one who was so hard to find But I'm not your girl" ~Reba Searching For on 1/23/2004 12:00:00 PM.
As the third and final week of hell was about to cease to exist.....we got a snow day. I'll take it and be merry I suppose. Snow days.....are absolutely wonderful. I now have a four day weekend. Of course it feels like -15 degrees outside and I still have PT but.. Of course I now have to take my calc midterm and my spanish midterm and make improvements on my mousetrap racer for physics before and on Tuesday but....the 4 day weekend is in intoxicating, in fact I was planning on losing brain cells this weekend, but most unfortunately...I'd hate to lose those brain cells I worked so hard to retain for Tuesday. Next weekend will come soon enough and I Steph and I are going clubbing one night. Friday night at Meghans tonight, I've missed those as silly as they are. lol I have more time to fill out scholarships too! lol. ah well. My mama is planning Jenny's shower, it's so exciting! I think my dress will be absolutely glorious except it's color and I think after the wedding I'm just going to die everything black or red anyway (prolly black....lilac to red could be ugly), but everything is approaching! One more quarter until I just have to pretend to go to school, I just keep telling myself, one more quarter to not screw up....
Congratulations Blake darling! That's so magnificent~ Searching For on 1/23/2004 11:49:00 AM.
1.20.2004 "She put him out like the burning end of a midnight cigarette.
She broke his heart: He spent his whole life trying to forget. We watched him drink his pain away, a little at a time, But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind, Until the night: He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away her memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger, Than the strength he had to get up off his knees. We found him with his face down in the pillow, With a note that said: "I'll love her till I die." And when we buried him beneath the willow, The angels sang a whiskey lullabye. La la la la la la la La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la, La la la la la la la. The room was full but nobody knew how much she blamed herself.For years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away, a little at a time, But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night: She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger, Than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in the pillow, Clinging to his picture for dear life. We laid her next to him beneath the willow, While the angels sang a whiskey lullabye. La la la la la la la La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la, La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la La la la la la la la." La la la la la la la, La la la la la la la. Searching For on 1/20/2004 08:20:00 PM.
"I am in the deepest depths of despair" Searching For on 1/20/2004 06:58:00 PM.
"It has commenced...finals week is upon us in full force, seizing what sanity we have left after a menacing term. The thought of a pure, utopian society has faded while SLHS has captured the last breath of any rational existence and conquered our self-worth. In coming days it is likely to see a plethora of unpleasant faces staring into an oblivion that can only be experienced by the SLHS society. The underlying prolifigacy in which this institution so loves to put forth has taken a toll on our already feeble carcasses, in result of consuming repulsive cafeteria rations. The possibility of survival is a distant notion...God help us all..."
Searching For on 1/20/2004 06:57:00 PM.
1.18.2004 ~honey is made from the same chemicals as wax, but naturally from a bees rear end~ Searching For on 1/18/2004 10:36:00 PM.
Okay anyone who has ever put icy hot on a pulled muscle..knows the feeling...Lana remember those sheets and the dawn comforters....think that...... Searching For on 1/18/2004 09:19:00 PM.
1.16.2004 PROFOUND
It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hard put more upon a man than he can bear. Worry is rust upon the blade. It is not the revolution that destroys the machinery, but the friction. Fear secrets acids; but love and trust are sweet juices. --Henry Ward Beecher HAHA I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he has read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. --Lord Conesford Searching For on 1/16/2004 11:34:00 PM.
I'm Not Your Girl
(Shelly Peiken/Eric Silver) Felt so right for awhile, almost really believed I could stay here forever, my heart could be free Oh I wish it were that easy but it's never been for me I'm not your girl Feels so warm and so safe here, now don't get me wrong But it's selfish to stay here, I'd be leading you on Maybe someone else can give you what you really really want But I'm not your girl They say people change I wish it were true It's something I've tried so hard to do Now I can't explain why right seems so wrong And I keep hearing the same old song I'm not your girl I'm not your girl See I've been here before, left a good thing behind Can't see where I'm going, maybe love's really blind And I'm so afraid to lose the one who was so hard to find But I;m not your girl They say people change I wish it were true It's something I've tried so hard to do Now I can't explain why right seems so wrong And I keep hearing the same old song I'm not your girl I'm not your girl One day I'll come back here, and I'll knock on your door She'll be sweet when she answers, and I'll know for sure That life is never easy in my complicated world I'm not your girl... Searching For on 1/16/2004 06:08:00 PM.
I went to Wal-mart today after PT and attempted to blow $20, I only blew $14, but it was still a start, I haven't been in a shopping mood in awhile, even at Wal-mart. I'm chilling out tonight, I think I'm intoxicated by the 3 day weekend even though there are some scary things at the end of it, it'll be okay. The game starts at 6 but I'm in no mood to rush, I told Rachel I was going to grab some food (yummy stuff, brown rice and frozen fruit...not together of course) then take a lengthy shower and take my time getting ready. I'd love to wear my black top, the see through one...yeah I haven't even worn it yet. I need a haircut too and I really wish it would hurry up and grow out to the wonderful deep deep brown that it is, what was thinking with those highlights? bah. Well here's the friday five~
1. What does it say in the signature line of your emails? lol I don't have a signature...but generalmente, I sign them Always, Me~ 2. Did you have a senior quote in your high school yearbook? What was it? If you haven't graduated yet, what would you like your quote to be? haha okay it goes SOMETHING like this "I always knew I'd look back on the times I cried and laugh, but I never thought I'd look back on the times I laughed and cry." 3. If you had vanity plates on your car, what would they read? If you already have them, what do they say? hmmm I dunno. Prolly something corny like 2hot2handle or.....I dunno... CE4u2nv 4. Have you received any gifts with messages engraved upon them? What did the inscription say? lol as a gag gift, "I'll always love you" 5. What would you like your epitaph to be? hmmmmmm prolly a Reba quote...."It's just the fear of being alone" or some such Searching For on 1/16/2004 06:05:00 PM.
1.15.2004 I'm taking a 5 minute break to type a blog and listen to the gift. This week has been crazy and I am not looking forward to the next. I have a midterm in calc, government, spanish and a project in physics due Tuesday. Shoot me. What a way to spend a long weekend. I've got to get out. I'd settle for taking a nice lengthy trip out to Lipscomb University to check out that campus but something tells me that would screw my midterm grades. I got my senior backs back today and they are absolutely HORRID! I'm talking bad bad bad. After seeing them I've decided to go and cut my hair short again. The actual short where my longest layer brushes my shoulders and the others fall in. I know, you're all so excited. I wish my hair would grow out of these highlights. I could go for a good hard workout right now. My head is screaming and my heart hurting. Such drama in school today, not even directly concerning me, but so much STRESS. Crimony. I need a vacation. Ever since I've been back to school it's been nothing but pure hell. Christmas vacation...come back. It makes me think...can I live the rest of my life happily with Lana more than an hour away? I wonder. Home is where the heart is right??? ahh I need a sprint tonight...move so fast my head stops thinking...
"and I'm still 600 miles away from home..." Searching For on 1/15/2004 08:40:00 PM.
1.14.2004 OKAY WHO BUYS SHORTS AND HALTERS IN JANUARY IN OHIO?! it's 26 degrees outside, dropping to 15, with 7 inches of snow...come on now Searching For on 1/14/2004 07:48:00 PM.
It's funny how Lana and I post every day on break and then suddenly we disappear. Oh the busy lives we lead. OSU is giving me $$, wants me in the honors program and I have to go take another test for more $$$ Feb. 14th...which is cool b/c that's a 4 day weekend for us anyway and we're going to celebrate Phil's birthday. It's snowing wonderfully here. We're expecting something like 7 inches! Let it snow let it snow let it snow! I want a snow day like you wouldn't believe. Physics midterm tommorrow! bah. I think Steph and I are going clubbing this weekend, should be fun. I swam for 30 minutes today against the current after running 35 on the slope against the current. I did some other fun things as well. My body is becoming sore, but it's a good sore, besides the muscles appearing are awesome! Well I must go read 3 chapter's in good ol' Gulliver's Travels, which actually (knock on wood) isn't too bad. I also need to stretch and a slight jog on the treddy. mm I was hoping Nate would get on tonight and last night and the night before. I've been missing him lately, I could use some love ;-} Of course there are always other options I suppose, I just hate acting so interested when all I really want is....my my I'm terrible. But it's true. I need to pick a guy for the weekend, I've been cramped up studying for way too long. There are always options, just not the one I want when I want him. mmm But it's cold outside and..."I don't have my LOVE to keep me warm" haha.. Goodnight all I love you.. Searching For on 1/14/2004 07:46:00 PM.
1.13.2004 mmm TERRIBLE WEEK....midterms blow Searching For on 1/13/2004 09:15:00 PM.
1.10.2004 So I'm sitting here on a Saturday night contemplating that my life has been reduced to just this, sitting here working on this large pile of homework that I have shifted through all weekend up to this point. The good thing? I have complete 2 physics projects and have one left along with a test and 2 day midterm this week (doesn't that just make me want to shoot myself). I have typed our (Carrie and me) English paper and re-evaluated the comments made by Chaney's AP English teacher ( I really love that woman and I've never met her but once) and decided that it wouldn't be too terribly hard to clean up. I finished my calc and spanish yesterday, or rather earlier this morning (don't even say it). I have a test in that as well this week and my midterm the following. I have to read for English and study for a test and read in government. Yippie. I am so excited I could almost die. What kind of senior year is this? I've never been this boggled down! It seems like I'm missing something...like I have forgotten something on my list. I had to come up with a game to play on our "Newton Day" It's called Pin the apple on Newton's head. Really creative I know....Ah well. Good thing we do have this treddy or my frustration level would kill it. Some day this week I'm going to have to party or I'm going to die. I still have stuff to do though, never ending....scholarships and my room HAS to be cleaned and bah. So so much to do so little time.
Meghan and I had fun volunteering this morning, we just had to take down 10 or 11 Christmas trees and decorations. Then we had this long talk about life. Particurarly about guys and where to live and family. At least her mom wouldn't flip if she brought home someone of a different ethnic background. Meghan's mom is so cool and she's so knowledgeable about so much....I think that's so prejudice of both of my parents to "disallow" me to date someone different than I. Whomever I fall in love with I plan on marrying, whether I have to elope and be caught off forever or whatever (I hope Phil wouldn't cut me off, I couldn't take that). Myparents drive me nuts sometimes. At times I wish I had slept with Kyle day in and day out...just so their false accusations and hurtful looks and words could have some substance...ahh parents and their ideals sometimes...stuck in the stoneage. I definitely had more nightmares last night and the night before and....bah I'm getting so wicked tired of them. Always the same horrible experience over and over again. I wish I liked the taste of alcohol just so I could get the thoughts off my mind. Bah...the subconscious has annoying way of never letting go.... Is it time for college yet? Searching For on 1/10/2004 10:01:00 PM.
"My Confession"
I have been blind, unwilling to see The true love you're giving. I have ignored every blessing. I'm on my knees confessing That I feel myself surrender Each time I see your face. I am staggered by your beauty, Your unassuming grace. And I feel my heart is turning, Falling into place. I can't hide Now hear my confession. I have been wrong about you. Thought I was strong without you. For so long nothing could move me. For so long nothing could change me. Now I feel myself surrender Each time I see your face. I am captured by your beauty, Your unassuming grace. And I feel my heart is turning, Falling into place. I can't hide Now hear my confession. [bridge:] You are the air that I breath. You're the ground beneath my feet. When did I stop believing? Cause I feel myself surrender Each time I see your face. I am staggered by your beauty, Your unassuming grace. And I feel my heart Falling into place. I can't hide Now hear my confession. I can't hide Now hear my confession. Hear my confession Searching For on 1/10/2004 09:45:00 PM.
This wisdom was given to me today from a college friend of mine, she wants to write her thesis on it...she's a psyche major, I found it laughable. "The reason so many women fake orgasms is that so many men fake foreplay..." Searching For on 1/10/2004 09:43:00 PM.
1.09.2004 Collin Raye The Gift
Winter snow is falling down, children laughing all around. Lights are turnin' on, like a fairy tale come true. Sitting by the fire we made, you're the answer when I prayed I would find some one, and baby I found you. And all I want is to hold you forever. All I need is you more everyday. You saved my heart from being broken apart, you gave your love away, and I'm thankful everyday for the gift. Watching as you softly sleep,what I'd give if I could keep just this moment, it only time stood still. But the colors fade away, and the years will make us gray, but baby in my eyes, you'll still be beautiful. And all I want is to hold you forever. All I need is you more everyday. You saved my heart from being broken apart. You gave your love away, and I'm thankful everyday for the gift. All I want is to hold you forever. All I need is you more everyday. You saved my heart from being broken apart. You gave your love away, and I'm thankful everyday. Can't find the words to say thank you for the gift. Finally an end to the everlasting hellish week. I actually came home after PT and worked out a bit more and CRASHED. I mean I was sitting there watching the first stargate before going upstairs to shower and get ready and I fell flat asleep and woke up in my bed (I must have sleepwalked..there's no way daddy can lift me anymore). I feel better though. Those nights where one doesn't come home until 9-10pm 5 nights in a row.....DEADLY. I have this overwhelming urge to shopping as today at PT I was asked to show off the strength of my abs, it was very very nice. I love having strong abs and that slight to steep incline of my stomache tells me how strong they are. I wonder if 6-packs are sexy? Most guys I've dated always hated that I was in better shape than they were and I always wondered why...I still wonder why it's such a big deal? Anyway.....I have a service project in the AM and a hellish weekend to follow a hellish week.....soon......relief hopefully. I hate when they put spring clothes out in JANUARY! It's -5 degrees and I want to try on shorts and bathing suits right (okay actually I do need a new "functional" ((I love my current 2 piece, it's gorgeous and worth the $$ I spent on it...but it's not...function, I can't count how many times I've lost the top in the lake...)) bathing suit for the pool after PT, but...normally). Well Well........time for me to stop babbling....have a most fabulous weekend all~ Searching For on 1/09/2004 10:47:00 PM.
1.08.2004 I WAS ACCEPTED to OSU! I'm excited! okay my heart is still in Tennesee but Lana can do the perfect impression of my daddy~ But it's exciting. This week has been hell, this weekend will be hell. Like my optimism? Where did all the vacation days go? Love you all Searching For on 1/08/2004 09:53:00 PM.
1.07.2004 Most interesting day. I just walked in the door for the first time tonight 5 minutes ago...I kid you not! I'm tired and sick and whiny. Ah well.....this too will pass. Love you all dearly~ Searching For on 1/07/2004 09:59:00 PM.
1.06.2004 Sick......and extremely annoyed........people who assume.......BAH Searching For on 1/06/2004 09:22:00 PM.
Clarisse, I don't even know if you like purple, but I thought that this was cute.... like you.
I love you, girl... more than you could ever know. You've got comments, too. Searching For on 1/06/2004 03:15:00 PM.
blogger ate one of my posts Searching For on 1/06/2004 01:15:00 AM.
So here I sit at 1am contemplating life for the second night in a row. I was up in my bed desperately trying to go to sleep in my bed when I started to feel that feeling and get really comfy on my tummy when it hit me why I only got an hour of sleep last night. Sometimes I'm really dense. I went to the doctor Friday I believe it was because I wasn't feeling well. He didn't think I was sick but my throat was raw and ugly looking so he prescribed some liquid medicine. It reads "may cause drowsiness and don't drive while taking" So I take the stuff at night, particurarly last night and tonight. Then I realize the stuff is a PK, a PAIN KILLER. Pain killers make me jump off the wall and not sleep for a good week or so until they're completely flushed out of my system. I'm absolutely furious, I need sleep, I've already gone through this once in my life, a few months ago, I don't need it again. and the let down from pk's is absolutely brutal, it's like you haven't a friend in the WORLD or your best friend just died. I am royally ticked. What kind of a doctor gives you a pk and doesn't TELL YOU? bah humbug. But while I felt like bouncing off the walls with a dull pounding headache (the loving feeling of painkillers) Searching For on 1/06/2004 01:15:00 AM.
1.04.2004 Wow my body is so tired. It's such a fabulous feeling. I can hardly wait to get through everything I need to do today to go on it! This could keep me away from senioritis.....perhaps.... Searching For on 1/04/2004 11:42:00 AM.
My treadmill.....is...so glorious. I am so gross and sweaty and nasty right now, I even need a shower. That...is...bloody wonderful! Searching For on 1/04/2004 01:11:00 AM.
1.03.2004 Money is good, love is wealth.
~ Doug Horton ~ Lana- Found the jeans and the belt...they're hanging up in my closet....hair tyes are still MIA... I'll continue looking. Oh and you'd be proud...I'm doing so well keeping away from things I don't need in my life (or people) I just needed you to get me started! haha, it's beautiful not settling for second best or 8th best. I'm worth so much more~ haha Hey Blake~ How's life? Searching For on 1/03/2004 12:50:00 PM.
1.02.2004 Okay so I was pondering.....the person we marry stays with us our whole lives and shares everything (or so one hopes) YET....we spend more of our time in school than with them and we prioritize school over them......I don't get it....perhaps it's just me, but it seems stupid. I'd rather spend a few years looking for that perfect someone than studying chemical engineering or calculus Searching For on 1/02/2004 11:41:00 PM.
What one thing are you most looking forward to . . .
1. ...today? Beautiful dreams 2. ...over the next week? Getting the treadmill DUH! 3. ...this year? Phil's wedding, graduation, the beach, 4. ...over the next five years? College...and a nice permanent boyfriend 5. ...for the rest of your life? Finding a life long partner in crime, having a house, a car, a treadmill, a dog, kids......all the great parts of life Searching For on 1/02/2004 11:38:00 PM.
We're getting a treadmill!!!!!!!!! Tommorrow!!!!!!!!! LIFE IS SO FREAKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Searching For on 1/02/2004 10:12:00 PM.
1.01.2004 Mental note to self: Even if Lana is here make sure to continue taking very important drug. If you do not do this, you will become extremly emotional and extremly umm well unsafely loved for the rest of the month as well as everything being thrown back off schedule....very important note to keep in mind. Particurarly do not skip 4 days..... Searching For on 1/01/2004 08:04:00 PM.
Bah.....a most horrid day. The suddness and completeness of being alone is somewhat alarming as it always is. However....I just don't have that urge to go see my friends, it's just not the same. There's a big basketball game tommorrow and I should go, with Brink and the black and white thing....but I don't feel like going back into that game anymore, lol I'd be perfectly content to skip ahead a few years, be happy married with a degree, fabulous husband and a beautiful home. Is that so much to ask for? I think not.....mmmmm I'm going to go take a shower and get myself ready for the day if nothing else. (Yes I do realize that it's about 2:30 PM). Bah, I do despise being so sad. I do wish we didn't have to say goodbye to people that we truly love. Ahh but the unfairness of life is ever constant eh? To shower, to shower, in my empty, empty house and to get ready in my empty, empty, empty, empty room. Oh woe is me~ Searching For on 1/01/2004 02:16:00 PM.
PS- I didn't say you could type on mine either, and I'm suprised at how easily you got into it...... =-} Searching For on 1/01/2004 02:59:00 AM.
So I here I sit at 2:30am on New Year's Day because my brain is running amuke (sp?) with thoughts that I can hardly make sense of yet I'm bawling my eyes out...something I do not often do, nor do I like to let others see me cry....I never cried when I knew my senior season was gone and I could be fucked in every single way and everything I had worked so hard for was slipping through my fingers faster than I could catch it. I hate the night before Lana leaves because it's like losing your best friend, but it's worse because you know it's coming and you can't prevent it. What's even worse is losing Tim and Lana, that's like double torture. Because as I was contemplating about an hour ago, I absolutely love about a handful of people in the world. I hold my brother and Jenny extremely close to my heart, yet I still love them differently than I love Lana & Tim. It's just different and I can't explain it. I don't bawl when my brother leaves anymore, but one would think I'd be more used to Lana leaving...but I'm not...at all. I absolutely despise being an only child and being relationshipless, it makes me feel so lonely. I mean my parents are great, but it's just not the same. It's that same lonely feeling along with painkillers that made me date Nate. I hate being alone and it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. If I'm true to myself I know I was too quick to say I love you to him, because I never truly did, it was truly completely just the fear of being alone. After being taken advantage of I just wanted to be protected, I was tired of chasing after Kyle and I just wanted to be loved, truly loved right then. I knew that with my back being so crazy I couldn't protect myself and that made me feel very very vunerable. Although I admit, I have never been fully taken advantage of, sometimes I feel like it was just as bad. I managaged to blurt this out to both Tim & Lana, which I really didn't intend on doing.......because I haven't told a soul in all reality. I mean I had to tell Carrie, I had to because I just couldn't deal with the surgrey and my senior season going down the biggest hell hole and then all that. I dated Nate for all the wrong reasons and I often feel so guilty about it.
I absolutely adore how cute Tim & Lana are together. In my life I have found 2 guys I would date, Tim and John (Diana's boyfriend), obviously both of these are not possible...ever, but I truly do not want to be one of those girls, someone who marries on a compromise. I mean sometimes I think that I am so mean but in reality, I'm not. There's nothing wrong with me, I might be a bit damaged but it's nothing I won't get over, I've been through what I consider a lot of hell in my life, what's a bit more? I know I'm strong enough to get through it, I guess I'm just so tired of getting through it all alone, I despise it. But yet, I'm not willing to settle anymore. I'm so tired of guys thinking they know me and wanting to date me so they can fuck me, I want some one who loves me no matter what. and I absolutely hate the akward stage in relationships, I so detest them. I hate being expected to make all the first moves and being uncomfortable around someone. It gives me chills. bad ones. I'm so afraid I'll end up all alone or I'll have to settle because I know these two really great guys. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much to ask for, but sometimes I wonder how much longer I can last alone. I know right now it's hard for me to reliquinsh time and control of my life. While I'm a big fan of not wanting to run my own life, the truth is, I've been doing it for so long and I have certain goals that are so close....I don't want to fuck them up. But to be loved.......and to love them in return....I hope I would be willing to give it up. If truth be told I really don't want to go to college. I realize the importance of college and how I need to get a good education, because you never know what's going to happen in the world. But if the truth be known.....I hate school more than I hate anything else in the world, I think it's satanic. I'd rather stay home and raise babies (of course I need that wonderful guy for such). It's not that I'll hate working it's that I hate school. I hate the pressure, anxiety and frustration. Sometimes I feel as though I am burnt out, but I am so close, so close to the goal that has been set for me and in turn, I have set for myself that I cannot just back down now. It's like playing in a game that's 14-0 and it's the second game and you could just lose it and get out of there, but instead you chose to dig in your heels, pull strength out of your tired body and force yourself to focus. Currently I'd love to just get my body back in to wack and say fuck school. Crimony do I despise school with a most unending and unwavering passion. I know this really doesn't make sense, I've never been able to make sense of it myself. One would think that by now I would have rebelled and said the hell with it...but I never could dissappoint my parents that way...ever. Plus I've already gone through hell and back many times...what's one more? wow my train of thought is out there tonight, you'll have to excuse me. Really to me this all relates back to Lana and Tim and not wanting to be lonely and wanting happiness so badly...but I can see how others may think that I am off my rocker. I wish she never had to go, so many times I have contemplated going to Lipscomb and so many times it seems like such a good idea. I just want someone who treats me right and loves me. It's okay if they find me attractive, in fact, that's pretty damn important, and it's okay if I they find me intelligent.....but really I just...I just want them to love me because I'm me...I dunno...maybe that truly is too much to ask and I'm living in an ideal world, or trying to. Ah...well these most frustrating tears are lessening and my brain is starting to tire. Most importantly, I know that I love my Lana so incredibly much, it's unreal. Although we're complete opposites at some things, I could not live without her and I love her so much, so incredibly much. and Tim, if you only knew how wonderful you really are and how lucky Lana is to have you, you've been so wonderful to me and I love you for it. I wish you must love and happiness. I love you both dearly, you're such vital parts of my life. Goodnight, I love you~ Searching For on 1/01/2004 02:57:00 AM.
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