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10.30.2003 So the question is.......where is my baby? Oh and whatever you wish this weekend, I'll arrange my plans accordingly....you deserve it for loving me for 4 weeks without seeing me. I love you always Searching For on 10/30/2003 08:04:00 PM.
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin Goodbye Norma Jean Though I never knew you at all You had the grace to hold yourself While those around you crawled They crawled out of the woodwork And they whispered into your brain They set you on the treadmill And they made you change your name And it seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind Never knowing who to cling to When the rain set in And I would have liked to have known you But I was just a kid Your candle burned out long before Your legend ever did Loneliness was tough The toughest role you ever played Hollywood created a superstar And pain was the price you paid Even when you died Oh the press still hounded you All the papers had to say Was that Marilyn was found in the nude Goodbye Norma Jean From the young man in the 22nd row Who sees you as something as more than sexual More than just our Marilyn Monroe Searching For on 10/30/2003 05:21:00 PM.
haha....I love this stuff...you could so use this for ANYONE with ANY sign....why do I even bother?
This is an excellent combination that can last a lifetime if the two partners are considerate of one another's feelings. The earthy energy of these two signs connects well, so they work together effectively on practical matters. In terms of love, they both have the tendency to allow the initial passion to mellow out and turn into a relationship that features the kind of affection one has for a friend. This will help them to avert fights, since they will not be so guarded about their emotional sides that they are unable to express and accept one another's needs. However, it could have a dampening effect on the relationship's passion. A playful attitude towards romance will help these two sustain their relationship over the long haul. Searching For on 10/30/2003 03:26:00 PM.
What a lucky, lucky girl am I..... Searching For on 10/30/2003 03:08:00 PM.
::clears throat::
*sings* Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum Thank you for bein' my friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true; you're a pal and a confidante... Bum, Bum, Ba, Bum .. And if you threw a party, and invited everyone ya knew-ew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say "Thank you for bein' my friend" Bum, Bum, Bummm, Bum, Bum, Bum ::start sweet instrumental music:: doo-weeee- doo-weeeeee-do-do-wee-do-weeeee.... Searching For on 10/30/2003 03:05:00 PM.
10.29.2003 I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the whole world. I'm such a lucky girl. Friday can't come soon enough...and I must really love him, I mean I'm missing STARGATE and all... Searching For on 10/29/2003 06:28:00 PM.
mmm trying to write a double English journal and getting severe writer's block. I want to go to bed...I'm tired. But I have a physics report and this to do. mrph..... Searching For on 10/29/2003 06:22:00 PM.
10.26.2003 I want to go play in the rain but I don't have anyone to join me =( Searching For on 10/26/2003 02:04:00 PM.
What a most beautiful Sunday. Being lazy, watched Nick & Jess as Newly Weds on MTV for an hour. It was so cute, but she is sooo incredibly helpless. Now I'm cleaning everything that has been driving me nuts for the past 3 months, well my mom has cleaned stuff but that just makes me nervous. I like my room being my room and not invaded by anyone. So I'm cleaning those 2 rooms and the den. This computer desk is a complete and total WRECK. anyway...I'm still glowing from last night. I did wake up with irrated eyes though, that was annoying. I don't get either b/c I wore the same mascara all week, go figure. Anyway, I'm going to get back to what I was doing........listening to my favorite music and cleaning up some before I get cracking on some English homework, of course that's all I have this weekend besides some calc. Later all~
I love you~ Searching For on 10/26/2003 02:02:00 PM.
Baby Can I hold You
by Tracey Chapman Sorry is all that you can't say Years gone by and still word's don't come easily like sorry like sorry Forgive me is all that you can't say Years gone by and still word's don't come easily like forgive me forgive me But you can say baby Baby can I hold you tonight Maybe if I told you the right words at the right time you'd be mine I love you is all that you can't say Years gone by and still word's don't come easily like I love you I love you Searching For on 10/26/2003 01:51:00 PM.
I have the absolute best boyfriend in the world and I am the absolute most wicked evil girlfriend~ I love you sweetheart...don't sleep with too many lights on.....=-} Searching For on 10/26/2003 12:20:00 AM.
10.25.2003 Didn't go red, not in the mood. Waiting for Nate to come get me~ I'd have to say it's a bit different than the first time, like I'm not hyper ventalating (sp?) lol. I wonder what movie we should see? Texas Chainsaw Massacre was on my list but that's at Tinsel Town. I'm contemplating whether or not I feel like going there. It's so sad, it completely doesn't matter what we see, I could so careless. Choir went well except I learned that I didn't know half the words. You would think that it would have crossed my mind to look over my music today or at least before I left, but no, not at all until I got there. I've been in Lana moods a lot lately, I'm in all black again. Well not my jeans but. I passed The Limited today and thought of Lana and though of shopping, lol. I have to wait until I'm not fat. I also have to wait until I'm not fat to take senior pictures and to get my bridesmaid dress. lol my mom will give me a month tops. I have to go to Columbus to get my bridesmaid dress so that it's the same color as everyone else's, something about the dye job. I'm not sure if I have specific shoes to wear yet. I'd be happy to pull out my silver sandals from like 6th grade. I love those shoes and I never ever wear them. I pulled out my 9 west shoes from like 6th grade last night and tonight. Usually I would wear my heels or my mom's boots but the no heel thing kills me. I love wearing heels, they make me look skinnier, lol. hmmm. What to say what to say. I'm so killing time. I could read Macbeth, but I wouldn't pay any attention to it and I wouldn't get the point anyway. lalala. I love how I make Nate actually knock on my door, he probably hates it, I'd hate it. It's a long way from my driveway to my door, trust me I know. After watching scary movies and then having to walk up it and open the door with my key in the dark, it's rough I tell you! blah blah blah blah, blar blar blar blar. I got my haircut, she killed about 3 inches off the bottom, I should have gotten another inch just for kicks. I want it all one length for college because who knows what kind of hairdresser I'll have in Columbus, plus who knows if I'll remember to get my haircut. I'm going to be one of those college students that forgets to eat and sleep and buy food and eat food. lol. hmmmmm. blar blar blar blah blah blah. I'm getting bored. My mom cracks me up. Searching For on 10/25/2003 08:23:00 PM.
getting hair chopped off tommorrow.......thinking about going red... Searching For on 10/25/2003 12:16:00 AM.
Sunday is the official one month......we're so not celebrating until one year, but.....how cute! lol. Let's see it's approaching the unofficial 7 month mark at the beginning of November...if I can count from April properly. hmm 7 blissful months...okay almost 7 blissful months, there was probably a month worth of days in there that I was an absolute terror and he wanted to kill me but...I'm an angel now, I was worth it, lol. okay maybe not but he loves me! Searching For on 10/25/2003 12:14:00 AM.
I have the best boyfriend in the whole wide world. I just want everyone to know and realize this. Everytime I have that twinge of doubt that I am outside my mind to be in any type of relationship he does something to remind me how absolutely wonderful he is and what a lucky girl I am. I am so corny when I'm in love, I should be hulled out back and shot. mmm I love him so much, he's so perfect and wonderful. and it was so cute he was upset for like the first time I've ever seen and he was so cute. I just wanted to rush over and love him so that he'd be happy again. I can't wait to see him tommorrow. We haven't seen each other for 4 weeks, how pathetic is that?! that's terrible. That's definitely never ever going to happen again. ahh I love him. I wish I could take him home with me (as Carrie would say). He's so absolutely wonderful. I'm such a lucky girl~ Searching For on 10/25/2003 12:09:00 AM.
10.18.2003 I miss my boyfriend....I am miserable...I am so pathetic.... Searching For on 10/18/2003 09:17:00 PM.
10.17.2003 I forgot to mention my lastest ailment....last wisdom toothe is breaking in....my whole right cheek, along with being bright red from the meds is swollen inside and out.....it's so unattractive... Searching For on 10/17/2003 11:49:00 PM.
the friday five~
1. Name five things in your refrigerator. Applesauce, water, yogurt, pickles, apples 2. Name five things in your freezer. peas, sorbert bars, water, ice, carrots 3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. catfood, dish washing detergent, (I know so safe), potatoes, popcorn popper, cat treats 4. Name five things around your computer. cds, reference books, glasses, nail polish, balloons 5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. Vikoden, perocet, darvaset, advil, Excederine, Searching For on 10/17/2003 11:47:00 PM.
Haven't felt like posting in a while...really don't feel like posting now but I suppose I shall just to keep the peace. Went back to school Thursday...this weekend is going to be the weekend from hell, but hopefully it will be my last week from hell and I'll be all caught up by next weekend. That would be nice. I don't even remember how that feels, to just do normal stuff and not have the constant feeling of SOMETHING to do like I do now. This weekend is just packed with homework and homework related stuff. Tommorrow I have calculus tutoring @ 2-4:30.....which means I have a TON of studying to do tommorrow morning, I mean....an unreal amount. That will consist of getting up early (okay getting out of bed early since my body only sleeps on occasion) Then I have church directly after such. After such I'm supposed to help with a spaghetti dinner and sell flowers. Sunday I'm with Chris on our physics project @ 11 until we're finished, I have overlapping family dinner @ 12 (family is in again) @ my great aunt's. I have rectory chat from 4-9. Somewhere in between all that I'm supposed to write 2 completely Spanish essays on works I haven't even glanced at yet, study a whole chapter for government, study my ass off for calculus and study my ass off for English...oh and study for Spanish and take a physics test.....riiiiiiiight. And I mention tommorrow is Sweetest Day? great, just how I wanted to spend MY Sweetest Day. Oh and I have to stop by Kristin's tommorrow as well, it's her birthday. Somewhere in between this madness I'm supposed to set a date for senior pictures, fill out 5 different applications, send out thank yous, getting clothes for senior pictures, grab a hair cut and lose about 20 pounds, okay not lose it but they require that I turn my leg muscles back into muscles in order to help my back out (do this without lifting, running, or walking or bending...right..so I'm supposed to use.....ZEN?!)......righhhhhht. All of this with my current restrictions of course, which are the biggest pain in the tail ever. I can't take 3 months of being an invalid, it's unreal.
My mommy is going back to work Monday....which I'm glad/sad about. My mommy takes care of me and now she'll be busy and tired too. But she'll be glad to get back into the swing of things, she's been off for 9 months. Um...I got flowers today! They were absolutely awesome! Huda gave me a rose which was sweet and Kyle special ordered me one! It was absolutely beautiful, it was dark red and they did the whole glitter thing and the card was sooo awesome even though they messed it all up so he had to come and tell me what it early said. They delivered it to the school during physics, it was so cute. I made sure I was late to choir so that he could get his big hug! He's so sweet, that's the second set of flowers he's gotten me in like 2 weeks and the other ones were my favorite out of all the ones I received and he gave them to me before I even had my surgrey and had them delivered to the school as well! He's so marvelous, I love him to death. I told him if he keeps getting me flowers people are going to wonder though, lol. But in truth I get him awesome flowers for his lead roles in plays and all the performances and I attend and I always help him with lines on the day of the play when he's all nervous and I mean it just feels so good to give people flowers, really AWESOME flowers when you know thatt hey love them and deserve them. Like whenever I get flowers from anyone else I'm like oh...thanks but like. I dunno, I guess Kyle and I have just done the flower thing for so long it's like tradition, lol. Solos, performances, games, special days, rough times. Plus he's just a sweet guy like that. mm I'm in a MR watching mood tonight and I have been for like the past week but...I dunno. lol maybe I just need to watch it with my baby whom I am not seeing yet again this weekend. The irony of it all. Actually I'd watch it with Chris just b/c we talk about it all the time and he's never seen it. Except I know Chris has a cute crush on me and we're already doing our physics project together, lol. I know I know, I'm using him a little bit for brain...but he's a nice guy and I'm not leading him on or anything like such. I really wish I could go shopping. Okay I don't because I'm getting fat and I hate buying clothes when I feel fat, but I just miss getting pretty, lol. I've been in scrub clothes for 3 months, I don't get half way decent for Nate, lol. I'm so pathetic. At least I can shower now. I wanted to take a nice relaxing bubble bath but I have this problem, once I get down on the floor I can't get up off the floor. This I have established recently. I still can't reach my toes either. mm I need a haircut... I need a make-over, but I'm too tired to get through everything. I need one of those nights were you dedicate it to yourself....candles, a fabulous book, a bubble bath, fascal masques, hair masques, oils......etc. But that takes too much energy for me. I do wish I had some decent to read however, I wanted to stop at the library, I mean I don't really have time but I feel better when I have something good to read. I had this great plan to go out to eat with my mom tonight @ Capri, b/c I was in the mood. So my mom's like well I have to go to PA to get some new scrubs, want to come? So I was like sure! I wanted to get out of the house anyway for a bit. So we go and we're not there 15 minutes when I am sitting on the floor of the dressing room completely asleep. I spent the rest of the time sleeping while my mom ran her errands. I never got to the library, or Capri, where I wanted to go. But my mom made me good food so. I came home, feel into a fitful sleep in my parents room, woke up, watched George Lopez with my mom, ate dinner, watched Stargate (it was a good one!) with my dad and then flipped through and here I am. Contemplating how tired i am, how I need a shower and how much I want to read somehting good before sleeping and I have...nothing. mrph. Oh and how i have to get up early to study calculus and I'm not in the mood.......well I have rambled QUITE ENOUGH for a bit...oh and my brother is sick, so everyone love him and send prayers...especially for Jenny, my brother is a miserable sick person, lol! love you all..... Searching For on 10/17/2003 11:44:00 PM.
10.14.2003 I haven't slept yet....daddy is awake......didn't finish the essay either...brain is now too tired to work unfortunately....want to read what I have so far? haha...didn't think so but....what they hay...it's 6:18 am and I haven't slept well for 3 weeks....::clears throat:: lol really don't read it... (I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING)...I haven't even read it yet, it's just the jibberish exiting from my overly elaborate notes to my word processor...
The Importance of the Code of Chivalry in Beowulf and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight In the juvenescence of English literature, an unknown Anglo-Saxon poet and a poet known simply as the “Pearl-poet” wrote the infamous poems, Beowulf and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. In these works, the lyricists illustrate medieval man’s undeniable necessity for ardent allegiance to the Code of Chivalry so that his chaotic world could bestow stability upon him. This ever so quintessential notion that exposes medieval man’s devote dedication to the Code of Chivalry in his fidelity to his lord, his quest for personal satisfaction and his compassion toward his fellow man are focal concepts frequently found in both Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and Beowulf. Beowulf and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, both considered classics of literature, blatantly portray the resounding theme of man’s fidelity to his lord. Throughout the poems, the poets quite obviously confirm this prevalent chivalrous idea in the actions of the characters Beowulf and Sir Gawain. The Anglo-Saxon poet illustrates medieval man’s loyalty to his lord through the portrayal of Beowulf’s relationship with his leader, Lord Hygelac. When initially addressing the Danish people Beowulf openly declares, “We belong by birth to the Geat people / and owe allegiance to Lord Hygelac” (Heaney 258-259). Without a second thought Beowulf is declaring his allegiance to his King, neglecting to mention anything about himself until afterward. Even after Beowulf slays both Grendel and Grendel’s mother and is rewarded by Hrothgar, he does not keep his gifts! Instead he returns to his lord, King Hygelac and he immediately speaks, “These King Hygelac, I am happy to present / to you as gifts. It is still upon your grace / that all favor depends. I have few kinsmen / who are close, my king, except for you king self” (Heaney 2148-2151). Naturally, King Hygelac compensates Beowulf for his honorable service with lavish accolades and physical rewards, as all rulers had to do in order to maintain their control in the chivalrous system. From these actions it is clear that Beowulf unquestionably displays his absolute loyalty to his lord, King Hygelac, displaying the power The Code of Chivalry asserted in the poem. Another example of such a display of medieval man’s fidelity to his lord is found in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Sir Gawain is clearly allegiant to King Arthur and the “Pearl-poet” promptly prove thus in one of the earliest scenes. The Green Knight makes his challenge of the ax, requesting that someone cut off of his head with an ax, as long as he, the Green Knight, may return the favor in one year and one day to his assailant. As Arthur steps forward to face the challenge, Sir Gawain requests, . . . I would offer you counsel before your royal court. / For it seems to me unfitting, if the truth be admitted,/ When so arrogant a request is put forward in hall, / Even if you are desirous, to undertake it yourself . While so many brave men sit about you in their places. / Who, I think, are unrivaled in temper of mind, / And without equal as warriors on field of battle. / I am the weakest of them, I know, and the dullest-minded, / So my death would be least loss, if truth should be told; / Only because you are my uncle am I to be praised, / No virtue I know in myself but your blood; / And since this affair is so foolish and unfitting for you, / And I have asked you for it first, it should fall to me. / And if my request is improper, let not this royal court / bear the blame (Boroff 347-361). Undoubtedly, Sir Gawain pledges his allegiance and illustrates his gentillesse in this instance. Sir Gawain is exceptionally vigilant of his own word choice, he never oversteps his boundaries. He is offering own suggestion and opinion only, and he carefully states his case, in the end still insisting if his ideas are unsound, it is own fault, not Arthur’s. His devotion to his lineage also is portrayed, as Sir Gawain mentions that he his Arthur’s nephew. However, focally, Sir Gawain is intent on his infinite devotion Arthur. He is requesting that he be allowed the honor serve in Arthur’s place; realizing that he, Sir Gawain, is expendable, yet Arthur is vital to the survival of Camelot. From this display from Sir Gawain, it is obvious that his character exemplifies loyalty to his lord. Undoubtedly, through both the characters of Beowulf and Sir Gawain, the “Pearl Poet” and the unknown Anglo-Saxon poet illustrate medieval man’s dedication to the Code of Chivalry through his fidelity to his lord. Medieval man’s quest for personal satisfaction is a focal concept of the Code of Chivalry portrayed throughout Beowulf and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. In Beowulf, not only does Beowulf sail several miles to save a people not his own by defeating monsters, but he insists on killing them gallantly. More specifically, Beowulf vows to conquer Grendel’s mother himself in an overly elaborate victory. During this fierce nine hour underwater battle he is constantly held at death’s door, only to be continually rescued by a superior force, and in the end, he of course triumphs. When he returns, Beowulf gloats to Hrothgar and his people about his victory, stating, . . . Then my moment came in the combat and I struck / the dwellers in that den. Next thing the damascened / sword blade melted; it bloated and it burned / in their rushing blood. I have wrestled the hilt / from the enemies’ hand, avenged the evil/ done to the Danes; it is what was due. / And this I pledge, O prince of the Shieldings: / you can sleep secrure with your company of troops / in Heorot Hall. Never need you fear / for a single thane of your sept or nation, / young warriors or old, that laying waste of life / that you and your people endured of yore (Heaney 1665-1676). Obviously in this passage, Beowulf is promoting his eminence and physical strength. Beowulf once again illustrates his extreme vigor and his quest for personal gain when he brags about his contest with Breca, a childhood friend. No one else can verify Beowulf’s story, so whether he is elaborating or not, no one will ever know. In this scene, Beowulf is on a quest for personal gain, yet another way to make him look stronger. He boasts, Time and again, foul things attacked me, / lurking and stalking, but I lashed out, / gave as good as I got with my sword. / My flesh was not for feasting on, / there would be no monsters gnawing and gloating / over their banquet at the bottom of the sea. / Instead, in the morning, mangled and sleeping / the sleep of the sword, they slopped and floated / like the ocean’s leavings. From now on sailors would be safe, the deep-sea raids / were over for good. Light came from the east, bright guarantee of God, and the waves / went quiet; I could see headlands / and buffeted cliffs. Often, for undaunted courage, / fate spares the man it has not already marked. / However it occurred, my sword had killed / nine sea-monsters. Such night-dangers / and hard ordeals I have never heard of / nor of a man more desolate in surging waves. / But worn out as I was, I survived, / came through with my life. The ocean lifted / and laid me ashore, I landed safe / on the coast of Finland (Heaney 559-581). Searching For on 10/14/2003 06:05:00 AM.
Haha....the irony of it all. It's 3:27AM and guess what? I'm STILL WIDE AWAKE! At least I'm awake enough to do something...see that's me, trying to be positive @ 3:30AM knowing in 2 nights I need to be SLEEPING without question! mrph. Now I'm a dedicated girl, but 11 I was feeling......fatigued, I worked hard today...okay not physicall because well...I can't but I worked my tail off for school stuff all day and almost got myself caught up. Now, REARING TO GO. Ah well, at least I'm doing some productive like working on my English essay. This post it going to be pointless and boring by the way. I'm going to meander through it as I write my essay. Perhaps I'll even finish my essay before my dad leaves in the morning and then I can actually ship it off early! A whole day, haha...see more positive! I can even give a copy to Mrs. Puterak via Diana in the morning! Let's see, I can write this baby in everyone leaves about 7...but daddy has an early meeting.......6:30. Three and a half hours! Oh I can make that! Who needs sleep? When this catches up to me...someone is going to die. Then a bit before 7, because of the NHS meeting I can call Diana, she'll come and pick it up for me because she loves me like that. Then I go to sleep until say 9 and still get more stuff done. 22 hour days, I gotta tell ya, they're just GREAT. I woke up @ 7:30 this morning when my mom moved around the house and layed there in desperation until 10. I didn't go to bed until after 5, perhaps 5:30. It's unreal. It's horrible too may I add. Perhaps if like I was living my normal life, you know when I need this endless supply of energy?! Yeah, real cool. Okay, so I do have things to do, but this has been the first night that I have been awake enough to actually get anything accomplished...and considering I have not started typing my essay yet, that could prove to be incorrect, as anyone can babble online. I ponder if sending off my essay if I should finish it is intelligent anyway...who knows how I write when I'm like this. I can't believe it's 3:30 AM. I feel like I just slept for like 24 hours and have this overly burstful energy. I'd go take a jog if I could. Ah well....on to the essay.... Searching For on 10/14/2003 03:20:00 AM.
10.13.2003 Mmm...I have wondering thoughts...nothing in particular...I was just contemplating how I feel better these days in my head. Even though I only sleep about two hours and when I wake up I have to be careful not to get scared because I honestly not remember who I am or what's going on. I feel a bit more like me though. I don't feel so scared I guess, timid.....so afraid everything wasn't going to work out. I feel stronger that way...things are getting done...I'm going to write the best damn English essay she's ever read and she'll have to give me an A dammit. And well...if she gives me a B (heaven help me, my first) then I'll just have to work my ass off the next 2 quarters. I'm not quite ready to be among the land of the living and yet again I am. I'm not...I'm almost in routine here..and when I go back...I have to cope with volleyball......during tournaments...that's going to be so hard...I guess I really don't feel like me me yet...that's going to take awhile. But I feel a little bit more ready to tackle the world. I don't want to face my English teacher in some ways and some ways everytime I go in there, I think I'm not going down without a fight, you can't make me crawl up and die! I do wish I didn't have to deal with her though. Oh and I have definately got to stop eating to feel like me, I never eat this much food, especially junk food...I am going to get fat! Ah well....hopefully I'll get in some physical therapy soon. I'm missing my senior class picture tommorrow...I mean I could go...but I don't often feel well in the mornings and in all reality I'm not in the mood. I know years from now I'll be so crushed...but I'm just not in the mood. Have I mentioned how great my brother is recently? Because I was like bawling yesterday and although I was still sobbing I felt better. He's so awesome...I could never live without him. My parents celebrated their official annivarsary today...30 years! I haven't even been alive that long....they're so cute though. Well....I am going to get ready for bed, like I always do and I'll probably be jumping off the walls in 20 minutes...but just maybe...I'll get some decent sleep...and finish my kick ass English essay tommorrow and study for calculus and get all caught up there...write my Spanish paragraph...starting making a studyguide....take the last thing for government...get some goverment studying in...some English studying......reading the Canterberry Tales...oh and Katie is coming over for some physics...wish me luck! In my perfect world it will all be finished. See I wish all this had never happened and I was happily floating along playing volleyball and not terribly behind...maybe even an A in English! Fighting back every step of the way is difficult...at least I have God to guide me....thank goodness. Well...I must go...as I am rambling pointlessly anyway.
I love you...you're absolutely wonderful~ Searching For on 10/13/2003 11:59:00 PM.
10.12.2003 I finally got caught up in Calculus! umm okay...not really! But I did the same homework assignment tonight that they have due tommorrow...along with 7 or 8 other assignments but! I did it! Of course I'm not ready for the quiz tommorrow nor the test Friday but...I'm working on it! haha I feel a tiny bit happy. Now the reality is that it's 9:32 and I have an essay to write that has to be absolutely awesome by tommorrow......and I have very little to go on...mrph. I am attending a bit of school once again tommorrow. Hopefully for a bit of physics assistance, let's see......5th period perhaps? Then to turn in some government...perhaps I may even finish those 2 dittos, okay in my perfect world I will...ah well. I need some inspiration for this English essay. I mean, I have some but...I did a lot of calculus today and my body is aching me and I refuse to reach for the pain killers it yearns for...because about 20 minutes later I'll want to jump off the walls and shoot myself. Ahh....inspiration do come.....or perhaps wisdom.....I'll take either.... Searching For on 10/12/2003 09:27:00 PM.
10.11.2003 Tonight...I make a new idea. No more whining...no more complaining, now we invoke action. Because you see, I am not going to take my class rank slipping from my fingers...oh no. I'm not going down without a fight you see...I've worked too hard for this. This is no time to just give up and die! No, this is the time to show what I'm made of, to show that I can really do it all! I can conquer this fear of failing, I can, because I am not going to fail. I have worked too hard for too long. In the end, I will come out on top. I can do this...I am so capable of doing this. This is why I have worked so hard for so long. I can do this....and I will. Mark my words...I will be number one of my class....come hell or high water. It's just going to take some determination, I've been down before. I didn't work my tail off for 8 years just to be defeated now. Oh no...I'm back......and everyone had best just watch out...haha
Ahh...feels good to let that out and be me again..... Searching For on 10/11/2003 02:49:00 AM.
10.10.2003 Landslide
(Stevie Nicks) Fleetwood Mac Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.....I don't know Searching For on 10/10/2003 11:36:00 PM.
Wow....I should take my bio off... I did that when I created this blog...like 2 years ago. You know one night this week......I would like to sleep through it...fall asleep at say 9.....wake up about 7....instead of this craziness. I have calc tutoring @12ish and I haven't started the new stuff yet, nor glanced over the stuff I'll need to take the quiz (okay not a glance...I need some more studying time) I was planning on doing it in the morning....WHEN I FELT BETTER! brrrrrg. I'm tired to get anything done....but to awake to get any sleep. I even tried really hard and read some of one of my dad's sci-fi books....I stayed in bed...I didn't move...it didn't work. I contemplated how much I love Nate and how it doesn't make sense that I can possibly love him more everyday if I hardly ever see him (coughs) and I talk to him for so little. I miss those late night chats....I think he loved me most when I was a complete and total mess...lol. I'm teasing...but I do miss those...however they were only fun for me more because of the laptop....I could be in my nice warm bed mostly asleep without anything but practice to attend...not even to practice but attend to lay around and watch....so I do understand. I just miss them. Actually I just miss you...but...that tis my fault. Seriously though....I need normal sleep....a normal routine....this stuff must stop. I can't take it anymore. I even wouldn't let myself come downstairs since I bid farewell to Nate @ 11ish. I stayed in my room and really tired to sleep, it's utterly ridiculous...I hate it! I definately stayed off online tonight. I am tiring of the "You know I do have a crush on you's" or "I've had previous crushes on you" I mean Bob and I...that one was good times...but the rest...they're getting old and I hate to be unflattered or anything....but I'm obviously crazy or madly in love...well both actually but...I'm not LOOKING. I'm finally not looking and I can't get them to go away. I just want to spend a late night with my boyfriend....not all my guy friends who have suddenly decided I am very enticing indeed! It is....flattering...but I am....so...not avaliable! If I were, do you think I would mention my boyfriend in direction relation to all conversation? Mrph. I feel so guilty and I don't even do anything. But how fun is it to know your best friends have crushes on you and don't respect the fact that you're madly attached to someone who you've been through hell and back with and just plain old don't understand how much he means to me! arg! I need something...or rather someone right this moment...I'm so incredibly fed up with everything. I'm off before I get the urge to throw my computer down the stairs or something...mrph
I love you darling...always~ Thank you for loving me~ Searching For on 10/10/2003 03:00:00 AM.
10.09.2003 I need a new backdrop....any ideas Lana? Searching For on 10/09/2003 06:30:00 PM.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - - - Robert Frost
Love is the enchanted dawn of every heart. - - - Alphonse Marie de Lamartine There is nothing holier, in this life of ours, than the first consciousness of love --the first fluttering of its silken wings. - - - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Jealousy is the injured lover's hell. - - - John Milton Moons and Junes and Ferris wheel The dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way. - - - Joni Mitchell "Both Sides Now" Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. - - - Mark A. Overby Searching For on 10/09/2003 06:30:00 PM.
I'm sorry for being so short with everyone lately. I'm so frustrated sometimes....I think that's the reason I can't sleep, not because of the drugs......okay the drugs and frustration. It's just so hard to watch all my hard work from the past...say 9 or 10 years slip through my fingers in less than 3 weeks. The constant feeling of never being done...always being behind...has the been the reason I've missed very little school throughout my school career (3rd grade excluded of course). It would be the reason I woke up with the flu and trudged through oh so many times. Well that and the games that I had to play that night, or the meet I had to go to. However there are some ever so infrequent moments.....when I ponder....have I been foolish...and I think of all the things I could have been doing (or who really...haha, sorry horrible humour). I hate how my mind dribbles through my assignments and how English is so hard...something I used to enjoy so much pains me. Then there's the ususal strain of math..not that Mrs. Louttit isn't God's gift to mathematics students.....however if she were a little easier....I wouldn't complain...too much. Everyone is so understanding...but how can they really understand? How can they understand that I'm so happy...because for the first time in my life I've taken time to look around me and notice all the wonderful things without forcing myself to...but will they understand that I don't want to go back to the stressful world of everyday and how afraid I am that I'm going to have to surgery again. How am I supposed to know when I'm recovered? When I feel perfectly...because that doesn't happen very often...I'm still struggling with the fact that I am happy....because I am happy....with some aspects of my life.....very happy. I'm just so frustrated with others...it seems like the reverse of my usual...like my world has been turned upside down.....but my question is...how does it get turned around...when can I get back to my life....when can I start to absorb the knowledge my classmates are currently? Why now....why after I put in all the hours? So I can prove to everyone that I'm a fighter and that I won't relinquish everything I've suffered and worked so hard for? That idea doesn't seem too promising right now....I mean it does....college.....and the wanting to see my eversoperfect transcript completed....I know deep down I still want that...but it is so wrong to want to be happy again? To be carefree and young? Is it alright to sit and think....I don't want a job that makes me miserable, even if it makes me millions.....I just want to be happy...not stressful.....but not so stressed. I mean really.....when have I ever been happy working on calculus or physics or Spanish...okay English yes..on occasion..even history...but when....it's never fascinated me...but why can't I stick it out...just a little bit longer?? Why is it suddenly so HARD?! Why is it that all I think about is my happiness these days? I just wish I could sleep...I wish I knew who to talk to this about....sometimes I feel like I'm back in third grade, everything at the tip of my tongue.....bursting to come out....reaching...hoping for an answer....an answer I can't find myself....one day...I dream that I won't have to hold these things in my head anymore....someone will save me...and hopefully it won't be my overly expensive shrink. Am I crazy.....or is everyone like this underneath? I wish I knew.....I wish I knew so much more than I do know...I wish I knew about life instead about what's in books that I hate to read...I need to read....something....I want to read....and haven't already...I need something to satisfy these guilty, anxious feelings.....mrph...I can't stand them....and once again....remember....my brain rambles after 11 pm....hence the reason I shouldn't post....
At least I'm certain about one thing...I love you darling...although I do pity you....I'm such a headcase...how do you ever put up with me? I'm sorry for being so short with you earlier....I was enjoying some serious conversation and the whole world was reading my screen...lol not that it's not obvious that I love you or anything...I was just trying to do that human interaction thing...where I actually talk to people instead of muttering some useless fact I was memorizing...MRPH.....if I could just sleep....if this would all just go away and I could be happy...I should be happy....I deserve to be happy....you make me so happy...I love you....thank you for always loving me.....even though I am crazy.... Searching For on 10/09/2003 12:45:00 AM.
10.08.2003 Really, I should stick to my not writing past like 11pm....I am incapable.... Searching For on 10/08/2003 02:32:00 PM.
I'm so madly in love.....it's unreal sometimes.... Searching For on 10/08/2003 02:56:00 AM.
I promised I wouldn't post @ 1am anymore......So I here I am @ 2:30am...this was not planned once again. I am literally...I believe the proper word is "tripping" off my meds....I broke down and took 2 vikodens.....the dosage I'm actually supposed to take every 4-6 hours a day and I take perhaps 2 total a day. Combined with all my other medicines they're making me fly high and I can't stand it. Talk about crawling out of your skin, it's unreal. I was planning on going to bed early and getting up early and actually getting some SERIOUS stuff done so that I don't run out of time for my darling this weekend. Of course I'll make time, but...just to make me feel better. Mrph I don't know how people take drugs, I can't stand the unsteadiness of my hands or my abs slightly shaking and the overly happy feeling...okay the extremely fake overly happy feeling rushing through me. I'd rather just be in love, thanks, that makes me happy enough... If I could sleep....I would.
I just posted a lengthy amount....and decided that I'd prefer only my darling's eyes to see. Not that I'm embarrassed or anything...it's just...just for him....because I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in the world...and he makes me so blissfully happy. Why didn't anyone ever tell me true love (notice the lack of the first-layer reference) was this......magnificent? Searching For on 10/08/2003 02:49:00 AM.
10.07.2003 never......ever.....ever....do 6-7 hours of calculus in a row...it might kill you...Especially after a mostly sleepless uncomfortable night....Oh and when you finally take a break.....you definately should be done....and when you're not....that's when you should decide to kill yourself....kidding of course....Just frustrated, seems like I "just get more behind everyday" MRPH! Searching For on 10/07/2003 05:35:00 PM.
I'm rambling....I have been rambling....I'm sorry...but...I'm just....curious...when exactly...at what moment....I fell in love? How does one get so lucky? Searching For on 10/07/2003 02:40:00 AM.
Okay in my perfect world I would have stayed up all night talking to my darling about every little tiny thing that MIGHT be bothering me. Because of course in the perfect world, people do not need sleep to function...of course in the perfect world I wouldn't have trouble sleeping tonight anyway......I'd settle for the sleep tonight...see this is why I want to go to the same college...I want to know that I can creep in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or I'm scared or I'm just all messed up and need to be comforted (haha Lana....a liberal school, floors/rooms of both sexes.....gotta love it...I knew there was a reason I loved Phil's university of choice so much...). I also hate knowing once I go to college I won't come back here to stay....and I can't leave him... The only time I really want to win....and I can't...mrph... I wish I could sleep so badly it's unreal. I'm half tempted to do some calculus or taken another Vikoden...I think you're addicted when you can't sleep without it eh? And just in case anyone was wondering...I'm still terribly madly in love, just as I was about 3 hours ago...haha. I love you darling....and I realize just how much more everyday...ahh....I'm so in love......it's unreal...I need sleep... Searching For on 10/07/2003 02:34:00 AM.
It's the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. --Rebecca West Searching For on 10/07/2003 12:09:00 AM.
So here I sit...literally sit...unable to sleep. Directly lied to my most splendid boyfriend about what's bothering me. Protested not to know. I have this very sort of mellow feeling on top of me and underneath the constant flinging of feelings. Mrph. I knew I shouldn't have let everything build up for six months or so. I guess...I'm wondering about me, myself and I. Last year at this time, I bet I can pull it from an old blog entry I would have proclaimed I don't know what I would be if I didn't play volleyball or what I would do. haha, the irony of it all... I remember thinking, this is as good as life gets, without this, I would be so lost. I've thought that way for so long. I remember thinking if I weren't friends with them...I'd be so lost, what on earth would I do if I missed a weekend with them? I recall thinking if I could only get through the end of last year...I could have all summer and regroup and I'd be able to stick it out for one more year with all my same ideas and thoughts and motivations. I also knew I was weakening in more ways than one. So sometimes I think maybe....perhaps God decided I needed to be this hurt...to really feel again. I mean when was the last time I FELT something? I mean before. When was the last time I listened to someone, I mean seriously listened instead of going on with my own life? How selfish was I? Always putting things like really making me happy on the back burner...doing homework when Lana was here! I told Nate I was going to be too BUSY! in the SUMMER!? What in the hell was I thinking? Where would I be without him besides lost and hurt and upset? How did I get that way? When did I stop caring about everything that did matter and caring only for what didn't? Had I not let that happen to me....would I still be playing the game that I loved? Did I do this to myself? Why am I not more upset? Why didn't I cry? I mean really cry when I knew it was over? I don't understand. If it meant that much to me..I still love the girls...I still love the game...but somehow....When was the last time I called Lana up just to chat on a Sunday evening because I felt like it? I never had...time. Where did all the time go? Have I lost it forever? Can I make it up? How did I miss the friends sitting right in front....the real ones...for the ones that I have? What in the hell did I want Kyle for? I don't understand...was it the climax to my horribleness? Am I allowed to be happy now? I am happy....and I shouldn't be. I'm so far behind in my classes.....I feel like my valedictorianship is slipping through my fingers and I'm watching and I'm trying to care and there are times when I do care more than anything else in the world....and then...I just want to be me...I want to love, I deserve to love and be loved. I love him more than anything...he makes me so happy, I deserve that happiness, no matter what...don't I? Do I have to earn happiness? I always thought so...happiness was what happened after you worked your tail off and finally you had that 30 seconds of recognition. haha...it seemed so hollow last year, I remember thinking I worked my ass off for this? One more year....that was all I had to do. Why do I already yearn for Phil's wedding and the beach? Why do I know that I love him so much I never want to let go? When did this all happen? How? I'm so lucky...I'm such a lucky girl. So many people love me, really love me....and I love them and I care about them. I feel like I've relinquished the control of my life...I have no idea where it went, but I'm no longer in control of it..it's so strange...I love everyone so very much...I love you darling.....you're so incredibly amazing.....thank you for loving me even when I've been unlovable...good night~ Searching For on 10/07/2003 12:03:00 AM.
10.06.2003 "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"
There's a calm surrender to the rush of day When the heat of a rolling wind can be turned away An enchanted moment, and it sees me through It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you And can you feel the love tonight It is where we are It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer That we got this far And can you feel the love tonight How it's laid to rest It's enough to make kings and vagabonds Believe the very best There's a time for everyone if they only learn That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours Searching For on 10/06/2003 08:46:00 PM.
Did I neglect to mention that I also have the best boyfriend ever? haha because I so do~ I love you~ Searching For on 10/06/2003 08:28:00 PM.
My cousin is the greatest girl in the world. Your daddy stopped by today with your mama. Our lovely mothers went for a walk and your dad and I had a wonderful talk. We began planning our trip a bit. We have to give him some definite plans before the beginning of the year. Right now I'm flying to your place and then perhaps we might drive or fly to the beach...I think it would be cool to have a road trip....but....fly, drive...as long as I get to see the beach, I could CARE less. lol. Girl, you are the most wonderful sister I could have ever have. I love you so much! Have a most splendid week~lylas Searching For on 10/06/2003 02:05:00 PM.
10.05.2003 Okay, true, not true.....whatever, we're adding it to the list of things that fascinate me...And I haven't been to Wal-Mart anytime this century in order to amuse myself in that way. I do love my Wal-Mart case files....sorry for all that miss them so...
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Searching For on 10/05/2003 04:22:00 PM.
"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth" Searching For on 10/05/2003 04:20:00 PM.
10.04.2003 And i was drifting away
Like a drop in the ocean And every time i drift away I lose myself in you And now i can see i can be me In everything i do Michelle Branch*Drop in the Ocean It's all for you You've got me where you want You're all that i need You've got me where you wantOur Lady Peace*All For You I don't think you fall in love, i think someone pushes you And either you land softly, or you go down like a fat kid in dodgeball Everything by Lifehouse Find me here Speak to me I want to feel you I need to hear you You are the light That is leading me To the place where I find peace again You are the strength That keeps me walking You are the hope That keeps me trusting You are the life to my soul You are my purpose You are everything And how can I Stand here with you And not be moved by you Would you tell me How could it be Any better than this You calm the storms You give me rest You hold me in your hands You won't let me fall You still my heart And you take my breath away Would you take me in Would you take me deeper now Cause you're all I want You're all I need You are everything Everything Searching For on 10/04/2003 11:02:00 PM.
You know.....I'm madly in love with you....but sometimes, we make quite a pair. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to get angry with me and I wish you would tell me how you feel sometimes instead of waiting until you cool off and think about it. If I did something to upset you, I'd rather know instead of having to maul it over and over until you finally tell me and by then I'm so stressed I'm ready to die. I love you so much. Searching For on 10/04/2003 11:00:00 PM.
Ah, so the surgery is over, complete. I'd have to say if you ever want to get really close to your mom, go through something traumtic where she is there for you every step of the way. Althouhg I had to laugh because my mom asked me what an 18 year old knows about love and I almost said about as much as 19 year old getting married, but I bit my tongue. I wasn't really angry, just thought that it was ironic. Anyway, I am absolutely suffering from withdrawl from my boyfriend. I can't believe we've been dating for a whole week! I don't think we're cursed anymore baby~ lol (that was a bit of jab at Lana, but not really). While I sit here in less pain than I have been in awhile, (although it is harder to move from standing to sitting and such). I sit here and think about Lana and I heading to the beach this summer and it is like the absolute awesomest thing ever. I hope your daddy can still swing it babe. Like I posted on your comments, I'd absolutely love to take Nate & Tim, but....perhaps we need some pure us time. We'll just have to call them all the time, lol. I could use the beach after this hellish senior year. Gotta love missing your own HC and parade and your last summer and your senior volleyball season when you actually are state contenders. I know I should be happy and I am happy. It's just such a curve. I've worked my ass for 3 years (okay more like.....9 years) to be valedictorian and now I'm basically screwed. I hate that so much it's unreal. If I hadn't worked my ass off for so long, it wouldn't be that bad. And these grades really COUNT, who's going to accept me if I go from straight 100's to like straight 80's? Senioritis much is what colleges are going to be thinking. arg. Oh well......life always gets better. I wish Lana and Tim were here so much! But I know ya'll are so busy and can't just leave college when you don't have a break. Thank you for having everyone pray for me...it means more than you'll ever know. I went in to surgery knowing with all the people praying for me, God had to be listening... I do hope ya'll come for Christmas though, I don't think I can wait much longer. Oh Lana....the beach.....the wonderful beach. I have the greatest cousin and cousin-in-law and I have the greatest boyfriend ever.....how did I get so lucky? I love you all.
Searching For on 10/04/2003 07:49:00 PM.
10.02.2003 So here I sit...oh wait...not yet. So here I lay typing on my senior night. Here I sit and contemplate that I will not able to play on my senior night. Here I am suprised that I am not sobbing. To suffer the unthinkable has already occured I suppose. Okay, so I still think to myself, if this all goes well and I get out in a week....we'll be in tournaments, and who likes to play in regular season when one can play in tournaments? I dunno, it just hurts to think I'll never play again with my girls. Tonight is my first night watching without playing. That's going to be hard, really hard. urmph, I've had enough time thinking about that....I'll go put this energy into getting ready. Searching For on 10/02/2003 03:51:00 PM.
When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions like, "Do you have any cows?" "Do you have horses?" "Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?" They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas. Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas.
Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you? In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup. There is some bit of Texas in everyone. Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why? Because there's no place like Texas. Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Crockett and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas. Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto. Texas is Juneteenth and Texas Independence Day.. Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest. Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend. Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country. Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas and Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas. Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork. Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico. Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, and the Astrodome. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey, Sam Rayburn, George Bush, Lyndon B. Johnson, and George W. Bush. Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments and Compaq. Texas is NASA. Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops. Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer. Texas is a place where cities shut down to watch the local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and NIOSA River Parade in San Antonio. Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities. If it isn't in Texas, you don't need it. No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas. By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why? Because we place being a Texan as high as being an American down here. (it is the only state that was a republic before it became a state, that is the reason I was taught). Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our state into five states if we want to! We included these things as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part right there. Searching For on 10/02/2003 03:45:00 PM.
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