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9.26.2003 There I was laying there all wrapped up in my favorite blanket happily watching the first wives club when Bam, out goes the satellite. I really, really, really despise that, I'm always in the middle of something good! Oh well, I decided to spend my rainy afternoon reading some of Lana's old blogs because I was contemplating (while watching the First Wive's Club) how much my life has changed in the past ::counts:: 6 months. There are obvious changes, being a senior, my mom, my grandpa, the "incident", Lana going off to college, meeting Tim, Phil graduating and getting married. The biggest change for me of course being my darling. I think I've been in a bit of denial. You know that oh no, my life is exactly the same, I control my life type denial. But then...I'm in school today trudging off to calculus and okay, calculus is not on my mind and my ever so wonderful government teacher expresses that I at least appear so much happier today than she's seen me in about oh say 2 weeks. I laughed the whole way to calculus. And last night, right after I said goodnight to Nate I ambled, okay I limped out into the living room commenting that I was tired but I still had some studying ahead. But of course I spend 5 minutes chatting with my mom and when she figures out I was talking to Nate, not working on homework she umm acted rather suprised...and I almost laughed...my mom cannot lie....at all. But anyway back to Lana's blogs I was reading the archives back to some of the very first ones and I laughed so hard. There are almost identical word phrases though of course, she is talking about Tim. I am.....always behind you Lana! One day I am going to do something first...one day! lol. But at least now I understand, I promise the next time you come to visit if you must leave Tim at home you may call him 24/7 if it pleases you. I am the grumpiest person in the world if I don't talk to Nate every night. How pathetic is that? I'm like......ever so lost without him and I just came to this conclusion. I give in, I think I gave in a long time ago..but I officially give in, lol. I conceed all rights of me, lol. Life is so incredibly grand. I love you darling~ Searching For on 9/26/2003 11:02:00 PM.
Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My surgry is scheduled for this coming Friday. (Sorry love, looks like next weekend is out). I'm relieved that I can finally be a normal human being again after it's over and I'm recooperated. Okay, I realize that will be a long time from now, but...I'm a hopeful girl. Oh and Lana....I hear you're working at The Limited, so I don't want to hear that you're a poor college student, lol. I want a REALLY nice get well present! lol. I'm teasing, but really, when I have to find this stuff out from my mom.....it hurts. You are definately getting a call from me sometime soon and definately the whole week I am laid up! Ah well, hurts to sit here and type and Stargate is on soon.......hugs & kisses~ Searching For on 9/26/2003 08:22:00 PM.
9.21.2003 Sometimes......your best friends......suprise you with their inner beauty.......I love those people~
Leap of Faith 17 [8:53 PM]: hey sunshine Slicer11X [8:53 PM]: hello Slicer11X [8:55 PM]: what are you upto this fine sunday evening Leap of Faith 17 [8:57 PM]: finishing homework Leap of Faith 17 [8:57 PM]: of course Leap of Faith 17 [8:57 PM]: just returned from the ER Leap of Faith 17 [8:57 PM]: a lovely 4 hours Slicer11X [8:57 PM]: what this time Leap of Faith 17 [8:58 PM]: pain Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: something about not being able to get rid of pain for 48+ hours Slicer11X [8:59 PM]: bet they gave you some really nice pills Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: and it appears the nerves in my foot are becomming more and more irritated Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: guess who is not playing in her game tommorrow? Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: oh yes Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: some perkiset Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: sp? Leap of Faith 17 [8:59 PM]: it's a narcotic Slicer11X [9:01 PM]: lucky Leap of Faith 17 [9:03 PM]: I know\ Leap of Faith 17 [9:03 PM]: I was crying Leap of Faith 17 [9:03 PM]: my mom was feeling sorry Leap of Faith 17 [9:03 PM]: you know Slicer11X [9:03 PM]: pity is good Slicer11X [9:04 PM]: in all seriousness, you know i cant stand it when your hurting Slicer11X [9:04 PM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:05 PM]: I know Leap of Faith 17 [9:05 PM]: you love me Leap of Faith 17 [9:05 PM]: if you did my government homework for me Leap of Faith 17 [9:05 PM]: I'd love you even more Leap of Faith 17 [9:05 PM]: lol Slicer11X [9:06 PM]: lay it on my lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:08 PM]: if you could Leap of Faith 17 [9:08 PM]: I would Leap of Faith 17 [9:08 PM]: but having to type all this Leap of Faith 17 [9:08 PM]: lol I already did it, but doing homewokr on drugs is dangerous Slicer11X [9:08 PM]: Its not that hard, i do it all the time Slicer11X [9:09 PM]: i mean... Leap of Faith 17 [9:10 PM]: lol Slicer11X [9:11 PM]: do i have teach you how to do everything Leap of Faith 17 [9:11 PM]: yes Leap of Faith 17 [9:11 PM]: you do Slicer11X [9:13 PM]: you know most of the wisest people in history said their wisest things when they were high Leap of Faith 17 [9:13 PM]: very true Slicer11X [9:17 PM]: this could be some of your very best work Leap of Faith 17 [9:18 PM]: true true Leap of Faith 17 [9:18 PM]: Mrs. Chiarillo didn't seem to appreciate it though Leap of Faith 17 [9:19 PM]: I did all my journals on drugs Slicer11X [9:20 PM]: she'll live Leap of Faith 17 [9:20 PM]: not if I kill her Slicer11X [9:20 PM]: true Slicer11X [9:20 PM]: more importantly you'll live Leap of Faith 17 [9:20 PM]: okay Leap of Faith 17 [9:20 PM]: deal Slicer11X [9:21 PM]: i see you dont deal well with teachers not wrapped around your finger because of your grades lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:21 PM]: actually Leap of Faith 17 [9:28 PM]: she forces me to sit in her class Leap of Faith 17 [9:28 PM]: and tommorrow Leap of Faith 17 [9:28 PM]: I will not able to comply Slicer11X [9:28 PM]: you need to start telling people to go fuck themselves when the pull stuff like that Slicer11X [9:28 PM]: they Leap of Faith 17 [9:28 PM]: yeah that's what my parents said Slicer11X [9:29 PM]: listen to your elders Leap of Faith 17 [9:36 PM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:36 PM]: I love you Slicer11X [9:37 PM]: those must be some pretty strong drugs Leap of Faith 17 [9:37 PM]: I always love you Slicer11X [9:42 PM]: uhg Slicer11X [9:42 PM]: i hope our boyfriend doesnt get jealouse lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:43 PM]: yes well Leap of Faith 17 [9:43 PM]: he'll get over it Leap of Faith 17 [9:43 PM]: you've gotten me through the past......7 years of my life, he's only gotten me through 6 months Slicer11X [9:44 PM]: jeez and he's the one who gets to be your boyfriend Slicer11X [9:44 PM]: i got shafted Leap of Faith 17 [9:45 PM]: well I'll always love you Leap of Faith 17 [9:45 PM]: but boyfriends Leap of Faith 17 [9:45 PM]: come and go Leap of Faith 17 [9:45 PM]: lol he isn't officially my boyfriend yet either Slicer11X [9:46 PM]: just come off it and make it official Slicer11X [9:46 PM]: despite only putting up with your for six months i think he earned Slicer11X [9:46 PM]: it Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: oh it's not me Slicer11X [9:50 PM]: and i still think i got shafted lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: it's him Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: well Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: I love you Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: always Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: and when I break up with him Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: you'll know Leap of Faith 17 [9:50 PM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:51 PM]: I'll come crawling back Slicer11X [9:52 PM]: I know i know Leap of Faith 17 [9:52 PM]: this has been a long one though Slicer11X [9:52 PM]: you made it past the week point Leap of Faith 17 [9:53 PM]: the third time Leap of Faith 17 [9:54 PM]: there's something great about him leaving a half an hour away Slicer11X [9:54 PM]: it makes sense Slicer11X [9:54 PM]: i think you can only stand one guy for a given amount of time Slicer11X [9:55 PM]: therefore the less you seem him, the longer it will last lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:55 PM]: I rather agree Leap of Faith 17 [9:55 PM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [9:55 PM]: that's horrible Slicer11X [9:58 PM]: poor sap Leap of Faith 17 [9:58 PM]: I know I know Leap of Faith 17 [9:59 PM]: sometimes I feel I should just let him go now Leap of Faith 17 [9:59 PM]: but I tried that Leap of Faith 17 [9:59 PM]: and he's a persistant little thing Leap of Faith 17 [9:59 PM]: and he actually makes me happy Leap of Faith 17 [9:59 PM]: and he's already met the parents Leap of Faith 17 [10:00 PM]: and the parents don't care Leap of Faith 17 [10:00 PM]: and he watched How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days Leap of Faith 17 [10:00 PM]: with me Slicer11X [10:00 PM]: read what you just wrote Slicer11X [10:01 PM]: you want to let something go that makes you happy Leap of Faith 17 [10:01 PM]: wow Leap of Faith 17 [10:01 PM]: no Leap of Faith 17 [10:01 PM]: I guess not Leap of Faith 17 [10:01 PM]: I never really Leap of Faith 17 [10:01 PM]: thought about it Leap of Faith 17 [10:01 PM]: quite like that Slicer11X [10:02 PM]: try it Slicer11X [10:02 PM]: it might work out for you Leap of Faith 17 [10:02 PM]: you know Leap of Faith 17 [10:02 PM]: you are the absolute greatest friend a girl could ever have? Leap of Faith 17 [10:02 PM]: honestly Slicer11X [10:03 PM]: uhg i know Slicer11X [10:03 PM]: see, i'm fairly good at being friend Leap of Faith 17 [10:03 PM]: honey Leap of Faith 17 [10:03 PM]: you're not fairly good Slicer11X [10:04 PM]: now i have to find a girl to be a good boyfriend to lol Leap of Faith 17 [10:04 PM]: I don't tell fairly good people my deepest darkest secrets Leap of Faith 17 [10:04 PM]: oh give me time Leap of Faith 17 [10:04 PM]: lol Slicer11X [10:04 PM]: uhg Slicer11X [10:04 PM]: i know most of your friends Slicer11X [10:05 PM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [10:05 PM]: my friends or my aquantances love? Leap of Faith 17 [10:05 PM]: I have very few friends Slicer11X [10:05 PM]: dont we all Slicer11X [10:05 PM]: my sister needs the computer Leap of Faith 17 [10:06 PM]: ah Leap of Faith 17 [10:06 PM]: well I love you Leap of Faith 17 [10:06 PM]: pleasant dreams Slicer11X [10:06 PM]: lot of good that does me lol Leap of Faith 17 [10:06 PM]: and thank you Slicer11X [10:06 PM]: kidding Slicer11X [10:06 PM]: night Leap of Faith 17 [10:06 PM]: night Searching For on 9/21/2003 10:02:00 PM.
9.20.2003 I love you Searching For on 9/20/2003 10:18:00 PM.
"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had."
--Erica Jong "As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man." --St. John Chrysostom "To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self." --Joan Didion "When everything has to be right, something isn't." --Stanislaw Lec "Nothing in business is so valuable as time." --John H. Patterson Searching For on 9/20/2003 10:13:00 PM.
The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.--Voltaire Searching For on 9/20/2003 10:12:00 PM.
It's so hard to be depressed these days. I mean truly, okay yes I cry and I scream and I often ponder why me? why NOW? When does it end? But still, God has a reason for this, I may not understand, but I know he has one. I can't imagine being my mom and being sick for so long, the pity I feel for her is...unfathomable. To have constant pain for so long. I've had it for.....say since I saw Lana, going on 2 months, 24/7 and I feel like I'm ready to throw in the towel. No wonder people get depressed! I understand how they may get depressed. To never experience RELIEF, it's so cruel. I yearn for one day, one normal day where I can give myself a pedicure and put my socks and shoes on. To wear normal shoes (not that I don't love my tennis shoes mind you) and normal clothes and to go SHOPPING. To do homework without having constantly being sleepy. To go out on weekends and not just die from the whole experience of the week. To not have a rash. To go shopping, to play volleyball, to really be able to play again and not constantly feel guilty because your body refuses to do what you tell it to. I miss those days so much. Sometimes I wish I had realized what I had, when I had it. How much harder would I have played last season if I knew the pain I had wouldn't even compare to the pain I'd have my senior session. Sometimes I get so fed up and frustrated. I mean I have to wait for an appointment until November!? Almost 2 more months of this? Until I even get an appointment, which means a day of hell in carride and assignments to make up, practice to miss. I don't know if I can wait that long. I can't even fathom waiting until Christmas for surgry and who wants surgry over Christmas!? My last Christmas at home!? It's not fair! It's my senior year, I'm supposed to be out causing hell and having fun and I can't even go to my senior homecoming! WHY!? Why now? I'm only 18, I can't live like this forever, I have to have some sort of relief, a constant relief. But yet, it's still so hard for me to get depressed. I mean I do, obviously, but. There are SOOOOO many wonderful people in my life. Being so hurt has made me stop and take notice of them. My grandparents and my parents, my parents are not terrible people, they want what's best for me and sometimes they don't realize they're driving me insane with perfectionism. My friends, my real friends, like Rachel and her family and the freshman girls, I love the freshman girls. And my brother and Jenny and Lana and Tim and Nate, why now of all times?! I hate not being able to see him because I can hardly crawl down my steps, and I love him so much. No one has ever taken the time to get to know me inside and out as he has and I love him so much for it. He understands everything, he knows what I'm going to do sometimes before even I do. He loves me so much and he has done everything in the world for me to make everything as easy as possible and I love him for it. I'm just tired of having to say no I can't, no I can't, no I can't. I just want to make everything go away and I just want to be happy. I just want to be with him all the time whenever I want to whenever I need to. He's my lifeline through everything. He's so wonderful, I love him so incredibly much and it's all so new to me. To be so happy over someone else's existance. To care more about someone else than yourself, to really truly care. To wan to know how their day went.....it's so awesome...and I feel like I'm constantly held back by something I can't control! Everyone is just so wonderful I just wish I didn't have to hurt all the time. Ah well.....that's enough whining for a few weeks....I apologize for all the whining I have been doing lately, truly I'm trying to avoid it. I of course, love you all~ Searching For on 9/20/2003 09:19:00 PM.
9.19.2003 I haven't posted in forever and I apologize. I need to get my comments working so perhaps Lana and I can actually keep in touch. Lana I miss you soooooooo much!!!!! It's unbelievable! I need our talks! Tim I love you dearly and you brighten my day more than you know sometimes. But......alas I must rest before our game, I am absolutely exhausted. Between painkillers and constant tests and games...life is rough.....that's why God let's me love Nate though.....Closes doors......opens windows. I love you all dearly!!! Searching For on 9/19/2003 10:06:00 PM.
9.07.2003 Remind me never to try and hide anything from my mom. It doesn't work...ever. lol. But at least she humors me. First off she takes me to Friendly's for the second week in a row. Not that we don't go to Friendly's that often, but she suggested it both times. Last time I sat there and didn't say much. This time, I forget what I said, but I was being really neutral, just mentioning asking if we were doing anything next weekend b/c you know Nate and I were going to do something this weekend but I couldn't so I was thinking next weekend and my mom's like well he can come over and you guys can just watch movies, get pizza, whatever. And I was like yes, yes we could, that would be great. So Friday after practice or Saturday after church and then I can't remember what I said but I slipped just a little bit of everything being so casual and my mom got this glint in her eye and I almost started laughing. She so knows and I didn't have to tell her a thing. That's so wonderful. So those are my weekend plans. Glad to have them all set before the week even begins, lol. But I have some calc notes to read and something to bring in for physics and a shower to take and some Harry Potter to read....I so gave in to temptation and tonight I will read it in bliss. So sooo sad. Anyyyyway I have nothing else new to report.....and I have things to do...find something for physics and some new section calc to glance over before my pleasure begins....Night all~ Searching For on 9/07/2003 08:51:00 PM.
9.06.2003 I so love him...... Searching For on 9/06/2003 11:12:00 PM.
"It's the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires."
--Rebecca West Searching For on 9/06/2003 11:06:00 PM.
Wow. I really really love him. Of course, still first layer love I'll admit, but wow do I love him. He totally understood this weekend that was in way too much pain and my parents would never go for it and even though I wanted to see him more than anything in the world I couldn't until tommorrow and then he's busy tommorrow. He waits for me like no one I've ever known. I just wish I could sit down and talk to my mom about this and explain to her that he is very special to me and we're starting out in our relationship and I want to keep everything honest and open. I really wouldn't mind if he came over and we watched some movies next Friday night, I mean, I'd love it, b/c I probably will be extremely sore still and I just love the feeling of being in his arms. It makes so happy. And I have a right to that right? I mean owe it to myself to give in love. If I just let it go...I'd never forgive myself. I just have to keep my mind on volleyball and school....but I can allow myself to love him and I can be honest with him and with my parents. Okay my mom. I just wish I knew how to tell my mom. Like there is no question that I have to tell her and I will. I just don't know what to say and everytime I want to, she'll snap at me right before and then I feel stupid. But I want him to be able to come over and I want to be able to say I'm going out with Nate tonight and it not be a big deal. I'm finally ready for the relationship and he is so patient. He's so good with me. He knows me better than I know me. I love him, I love him so much. I'm still debating whether or not to let him read my blog. On one hand, it's all my honest feelings and thoughts....but on the other I've said a lot of hurtful things on here because that was how I was feeling at the time. I can't change how I felt and I wouldn't want to. Everything that has gone wrong in our relationship has been for a reason and we've worked through it. I can't imagine living without him anymore. I tried to just let him go and I cannot. I think I'm trying to prove to myself that it's okay that I love him and it's okay for me to date him and it's all going to work out in the end. I love him so much, it's unbelievable. Those words just tumble out of my mouth at random moments and I think of him constantly. It's no longer obssession or lust or what have you. I'm perfectly happy just laying on the couch watching movies with him. I've stopped worrying what other people think, and all physical attributes and such (although I think he's beautiful anyway). I know HIM, I don't know all of him, but I know quite a bit and I know important things. I know he loves me and he's never going to intentionally hurt me...I will admit we'll fight, we already fight, but he's not going to be evil to me. He's doesn't love me for how I look or my bra size, he loves me for me. He loves all my flaws and tantrums and everything that goes wrong and they way I sometimes lie. He knows when I'm lying. He knows I'm a complete and total innocent and loves making everything so special. He makes me so happy. I go to sleep and I just feel so happy. This feels so wonderful, it has to be right. I've never felt so light and so happy before. I love feeling like this. I love being able to get stressed out about school and volleyball and everythign else and I can cry and tell him and tell him exactly why I hurt and whine and complain and he'll comfort me and he'll still love me even on my as Lana I would refer to, "chapstick and sulfacet days (although neither of us use sulfacet anymore) with my t-shirts and jeans and my hair all a mess. He loves me, he really loves me and I love him. I deserve to be this happy I deserve to take this road wherever it may lead me. My parents deserve to know what's going on in my life, maybe not every detail, but they need to know that I'm in a relationship that is only going to grow. I love him. Can you tell I love him? He makes me so happy, I love feeling so light and so happy and so loved. Real love, not attraction. Love that has taken 6 months of late night/early morning conversations and arguments and I love you's and I'm sorry's and I hate you and tell me how much you love me and you're so wonderful, and I'm such a wreck how can you possibly love me? It's time to move to the next level. It's time make a real relationship. It's time to stop being scared of relationships and it's time to let one grow. I love him......I love him so much....he is so wonderful...I'm so glad I waited for everything so it will be so special. All those times I just wanted to get all my "firsts" over with....I'm so glad I waited so that now it will be with someone I care about and who cares about me. I'm so happy, I love him~ Searching For on 9/06/2003 10:51:00 PM.
9.05.2003 "I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes."
--Sara Teasdale "A person can grow only as much as his horizon allows." --John Powell "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that this new world is born." --Anais Nin Searching For on 9/05/2003 06:02:00 PM.
Hey lana,
Thanks so much for calling me on my birthday...it might a ton to me. I've been doing all this self-reflecting as well. Like I need all this alone time and then I get these huge urges to be surrounded. More often I just lay in bed and think and analyze and wonder what the hell I'm doing. You know maybe we need to see shrinks, so they can tell us what the hell we're doing, lol. just kidding. I miss you of course. School is.....school. Calc is actually tolerable, even somewhat interesting, English is..my English teacher is out of this world. Physics is....boring so far. Spanish is pretty cool as well. Government is...not to bad I suppose. I'm supposed to go out with Nate tonight and I'm not...and I don't know why. Well I have a game tommorrow morning and from being up and around at school I'm really just tuckered out and i have this cute permanent limp and we had a rough game last night....I missed a serve....brr. I was ticked, really ticked, but what can one do now. I didn't have the greatest week and my coach brought it up today that I could have lost my record even after I served the last 5 points out of each game and aced quite a few of them, both game points. And I'm really sore just from the school life. My body isn't coperating very well I suppose. My classes are cool though. Spanish is rather fascinating, we're finally out of grammar and into culture and cool culture. Calc...is just.....awesome I have never had a better teacher in my life, she makes everything I've struggled through for like 2-3 years like OH! I get it! I finally get it! lol. It's a new feeling for me in math class. English is fabulous, she is awesome, plus she has this thing with speaking correctly and writing correctly and we have the EXACT SAME PET PEEVES! It is so weird! My government teacher is cool too. Like the class is somewhat interesting because I can actually use but she had to teach down b.c I have dumb people in my class. Choir SUCKS, but I'm in concert choir but it doesn't fit so I'm in regular choir with freshman and because of that she changed me back up to soprano (which is weird b/c she was going to move me down to second alto....) b/c without hearing the other parts she thought it would be harder to remember the harmony. I'd rather stay an alto b/c now I have to learn the hall. chorus in another part and various other things we always sing. But she might let me sing a few solos and duets. I still want to be an alto! oh well. My afternoon, I skip lunch (I can eat whenever I feel like it). But Mrs. Dunn my physics teacher, I'm her aid 5th period, so I go up during the 4b overlap, do whatever she needs and then I have all of 5 for homework in comfort and then 6th I have physics. It's a long time to be in one room, but it's tolerable. then I have choir which I normally would love....but there are like 15 girls and...I hear myself and I constantly have all the alto parts naturally and then to try to and figure out the soprano kills me. I mean it's not hard, I just don't care for it. Volleyball has been...good. I'm so glad to be playing but some days I just wish I could play without pain. I mean I play extremely well with pain...I just wish I could play without. Then today I was having a horrible day I mean all day......bad day. Then playing I was so upset and I couldn't shake it and this is the first time it has ever happened and my coach like asked me 800 times if I was hurting and I wanted to scream yes, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I just feel like crawling up into my bed and dying and crying and I don't know why. Little things...all day...all week...Nate......pressure....pressure....pressure...not from him from the parents...mom is sick again....arg. I'm going to take a shower, wash my uniform for tommorrow and take some serious painkillers and get some serious sleep. The more sleep I get the better I'll feel. sorry for whinng so much. Searching For on 9/05/2003 06:00:00 PM.
9.02.2003 "The prerequisite for making love is to like someone enormously."
--Helen Gurley Brown "Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat." --Harry Emerson Fosdick Searching For on 9/02/2003 03:51:00 PM.
Life is so incredibly wonderful, I could not ask for me. I have finally finished my AP questions and packed my bookbag for tommorrow. I am currently lightly proofreading my journals for AP and then I will shower and get ready for my game (I know why shower for your game...I never do duing school but always during the summer). I love being so incredibly happy and I love to be loved.
Interesting forward of the day IF I KNEW If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do. If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything just right. There will always be another day to say "I love you," And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?" But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight. So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today. Searching For on 9/02/2003 03:50:00 PM.
9.01.2003 I am so hopelessly corny.... Searching For on 9/01/2003 10:05:00 PM.
Pure contentment....
....is feeling the breeze on the back your neck and throughout your hair from window while sitting in front of your computer for hours, doing your AP English (Hamlet) last minute, and noticing how wonderful it feel as opposed to how much pain you're in and how much you don't want to do what you're doing.... ...working on something so hard and needing a break and at the perfect time, you have that perfect 10 minute conversation where warm feelings rush over you and realize you couldn't be happier..... ...is being in love and loving every minute of it... ...not caring who knows or how anyone else thinks about the person...because you love them and they love you.....and that's perfect... Searching For on 9/01/2003 10:00:00 PM.
I can't wait to get back to choir. I hope Open House is soon so I get to sing with Pav Wednesday on my part. I am so excited. i can't believe I have my own concert choir....lol. Of course this will all wear off soon.....give me.....a day...lol....hm what to wear what to wear
Searching For on 9/01/2003 05:50:00 PM.
The devil's in the dreaming He tells you I'm not sleeping in my hotel room alone With nothing to believe in You dive into the traffic rising up And it's so quiet You're surprised And then you wake For all the things you're losing You might as well resign yourself to try and make a change I'm going down to Hollywood They're gonna make a movie from the things that they find crawling round my brain I wish I was a girl so that you could believe me And I could shake this static everytime I try to sleep I wish for all the world that I could say, "Hey Elizabeth, you know, I'm doing alright these days." The devil's in the dreaming You see yourself descending from a building to the ground You watch the sky receding You spin to see the traffic rising up And it's so quiet You're surprised And then you wake For all the things I'm losing I might as well resign myself to try and make a change But I'm going down to Hollywood They're gonna make a movie from the things that they find crawling round my brain I wish I was a girl so that you could believe me And I could shake this static every time I try to sleep I wish for all the world that I could say, "Hey Elizabeth, you know, I'm doing alright these days." In one of these dreams, you forgive me It makes me think of the bad decisions that keep you at home How could anyone else have changed? All these wrong conclusions that leave you alone How could everyone rearrange? How could everyone else have changed? What I see I believe For all the things I'm losing I might as well resign myself to try and make a change Well, I'm going down to Hollywood They're gonna make a movie from the things that they find crawling around my brain I wish I was a girl so that you could believe me And I could shake this static everytime I try to sleep I wish for all the world that I could say, "Hey Elizabeth, you know, I'm doing alright these days." But I can't sleep at night
Words by Adam F. Duritz Music by Charles Gillingham, Adam Duritz & Counting Crows Searching For on 9/01/2003 05:41:00 PM.
I love my new black belt. I can now wear black everyday. I have so many different things that are black. Black is a fabulous color. It just works awesome with my hair. I mean everybody loves black. Black is great, just fabulous. Tommorrow is my last day of freedom. I am frantically working on my AP. I have finished my jounrals, I just need to lightly proofread them (all 60+ pages) but I definately need some work on my questions. Okay so my Hamlet questions aren't that bad once I actually sit down and do them. I can sit today! I am so proud! It's still not really comfortable, but it's livable. I am so glad Lana and I worked on those 2 questions that we did though. Specific examples...who needs those? I have other questions left to do as well. I am getting together tommorrow morning before NHS and SC meetings and our game to work on them, but the last time we did that...people copied my answers lol. I didn't get too much help out of that. Oh well. I know I haven't put my bestest (ha) work into One more day of feeding rabbits. I despise the fair although I was willing to go to make Huda happy, lol. My darling went.....hunting today. lol I can't blame him, Phil and Jenny and Lucy just left and I couldn't make him wait all day, especially when he has school tommorrow, I am not that cruel. I can't believe I actually have to go to school Wednesday. I did finish the NHS schedule today so that was good. And I got all my folders together....I still have to get everything in my bookbag and all but. I'm excited but then again no I'm not. I admit I'd be more excited if I didn't have this AP to do. Plus tommorrow is my birthday.....everybody loves their birthday, even if they don't do anything special on it. We are playing a game so that will be exciting. Well Blogger is starting to act retarded....so I shall go before it kills my post. Plus I should be working anyway. Love you all Searching For on 9/01/2003 05:34:00 PM.
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