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7.26.2003 Bah, tired of laying around doing nothing. Tired of being tired. I can't imagine how my mom gets through all of what she does. Glad she's coming home tommorrow. I have not packed a thing for vacation. Very glad to be going on vacation, estatic...wish my mom was coming with me, however, I know I shall still have an absolute blast. Looking forward to hanging out with my cousin. Note to Lana, don't worry I won't be a huge pain to shop, a- I hate shopping when I feel fat and b- I can hardly get dressed in the morning, let alone put on my shoes, lol. My back is feeling better I do believe, or perhaps I'm getting used to it. I slept all day, except when we went out for a bit to get my check, see mom, stop at Wal-Mart. I definately miss my mom at home, but she's probably coming home tommorrow. I haven't packed or washed anything to pack yet. Although I cannot imagine what on earth I am going to pack. lol, looks like it's going to be mesh shorts and t-shirts again. Ah well, comfort is the ultimate thing. lol I can't even get my jeans on, I'm so helpless. Remind me to tell my mom how much I love her and how much my dad can drive me nutty. Well I am going to take a shower as tommorrow shall prove to be a busy day. Packing, getting ready....could be worse, I could have to work. I shall go read, as my conscience is nagging at me, I was hoping on finishing The Odyssey before vacation and I'm not past Book 2...oh well as long as I finish my Hamlet questions with Lana's assistance.....Lana do you have blow dryer? Searching For on 7/26/2003 11:01:00 PM.
"To have a reason to get up in the morning, it is necessary to possess a guiding principle. A belief of some kind. A bumper sticker, if you will."
--Judith Guest "One may miss the mark by aiming too high, as too low." --Thomas Fuller "It's the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires." --Rebecca West Don't be snowed by experts and "expertise": "An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less." --Nicholas Murray Butler "An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field." --Niels Bohr "The time comes when you realize that you haven't only been specializing in something - something has been specializing in you." --Arthur Miller Searching For on 7/26/2003 07:58:00 PM.
7.25.2003 The Friday Five.......they're awesome but I'm so tired. Today was an extremely tough day, but God has helped me through. I need a shower definately and some sleep. I will do these later....oh and my brother send me another Phil's words of wisdom email......I have the best brother in the world, really I do. I love him so very much.
1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be? 2. What songs would be on the soundtrack? 3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why? 4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc? 5. Describe the movie preview/trailer. Phil's Words of Widsom Clarisse, Yea I can imagine you're wanting to get out of po dung junction, but try and make the most of it while you're there. I don't fully understand that law that says even if you're at a party where there is drinking, you will be arrested too. Sounds like some po-dung bullshit to me. If I could offer one bit of decent advice, I say if you do intend to drink a little, wait until college. Even then you'll have to be careful because you won't be 21 the first two years, but at least in college you don't have to drive anywhere and that's a good thing. We're looking forward to seeing you on the 15th of August. I hope you enjoy your trip to Tennessee next week. So you're staying in at night, huh? Well Jenny and I are kind of in the same boat. In college when I landscaped two days a week and made $80 a week, we went out somewhere almost every weekend. That's because if I had nothing left on Monday it didn't matter. Now things are certainly different. I have no doubt that you'll enjoy college and learn to grow up seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly while you're there. But just enjoy you're last year in New Middletown, the older you get the more you have to deal with, remember that. Love, Phil Searching For on 7/25/2003 10:35:00 PM.
7.23.2003 6 more days.... Searching For on 7/23/2003 04:25:00 PM.
We have 2 more days of camp left, but Lordstown camp isn't exactly were our greatest competition ususally arrives. We're 8-0 for the past two days, but besides West Branch and Alliance..the teams lack quite a lot. However most teams only go for 2 days, so now we have all new teams tommorrow, South Range, Columbiana, Crestview, East Liverpool.....basically not all that bad of competition and our setter is leaving for Kentucky tonight....so it could prove to be a bit rough. I finished Wuthering Heights about 4am this morning. It is still one of my personal favorites of course. On to the Odyssey...which normally is not my cup of tea....I rather despise it really. I was hoping to lay out for an hour or two today as I am turning white, but of course it's overcast and dreary. I got new tennis shoes yesterday, which was definately the highlight of my day..lol ok maybe beating Alliance was but. Anyway I'm going to take my mom for a walk and then workout for awhile. Being in Cincinnatti and working the 4 day weekend was absolutely killer. I definately got shin splints and then I passed out one day working, which was definately not cool because I definately always empty the contents of my stomache after passing out, immediately after I regain conscieness. But I'm such a trooper I stuck it out. My sleeping schudule is completely screwed up as I got home from work between 2-3am for 4 days and returned too darn early. So today I'm bound and determined to kill myself physically but stay awake so perhaps I can play worth something tommorrow, as it may prove to be a scrappy day of playing. After being so busy this past week or so everything just aches and after watching last year's films, I definately feel fat, lol. Nothing a few hours on a bike won't kill as I have awful shin splints (general reason for splurging for my overly expensive running shoes at this time of year). Ah I probably run anyway, what's a little pain when I'll be on vacation next week at this time? Lana.......will there be some place I won't get run over to run? I'll honestly definately need the physical....something everyday, it won't take more than an hour I assure you. Speaking of which, I have to break my new tennis shoes in.....and spray them... I wish my mom could come with me on vacation, but it's looking like slim pickings....I must depart...hasta luego. Searching For on 7/23/2003 04:09:00 PM.
7.21.2003 "I was strongest when I laughed at my weakness."
--- Elmer Diktonius "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work." --- Eugene P Gallagher "Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away." --- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe "Learn from the mistakes of others -- you can't live long enough to make them all yourself." --- Martin Vanbee "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." --- Mark Twain "Moderation in all things is an extremist's statement." --- John E Pidge "Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying; but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" --- Lily Tomlin "Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" --- Author Unknown "You can't have everything, where would you put it." --- Author Unknown "You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing." --- Author Unknown " If you're not afraid... If you take everything you are, Everything worthwhile in you, And direct it at one goal, one ultimate mark, You've got to get there." --- James Dean " Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed By the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Explore. Dream. Discover." --- Mark Twain " When trouble comes your Soul to try You love the Friend who just "stand by" Perhaps there's nothing He/She can do The thing is strictly up to you For there are troubles all your own And paths the soul must tread alone Times when Love cannot smooth the road Nor Friendship lift the heavy load But just to know you have a Friend Who will "stand by" until the end Whose sympathy through all endures Who's warm hand clasp is always yours It helps, someway, to pull you through Although there's nothing He/She can do And so with fervent heart I cry God bless the Friend who just stands by!" --- Unknown Author " Music allows our dreams a chance to sing and dance." --- Unknown " I'd rather be a has-been than a never-been at all." --- Author Unknown " Those who have learned - listened, Those who have skills - practiced, Those who won - did both." --- Chris Villeneuve, Age 17 " How far you go in life Depends on you being tender with the young, Compassionate with the aged, Sympathetic with the striving And tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life, you will have been all of these." --- George Washington Carver " I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." --- Michael Jordan " A team's true spirit and character are revealed Not when they are winning , but when they are losing." --- Author Unknown " Our greatest glory is not in never falling, But in rising every time we fall." --- Confucius Searching For on 7/21/2003 11:52:00 PM.
Forgot to do thes in all the hubub
1. When was the last time you cheated? I never really cheated, I used to look at other people's tests b/c I was insecure of my answers, but I generally had the right answers and others were wrong, it took me a long time to learn that. I'd say 8th grade Algebra I in that respect. And right before our tournament game I used Kyle's Spanish hw so I could take a nap, but I don't make a habit of cheating, nor do I feel it is right. 2. When was the last time you stole? I do not recall....I don't steal 3. When was the last time you lied? I lie like no other about certain things, but I really don't do them. I am an angel....and a compulsive liar. But never to the people who matter 4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property? We always tp the freshman for volleyball, once a season during the sleepover, since then, never. 5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one? I hurt my mom when she, Phil and I were talking and I admitted to being bulimic in 3rd grade....but it was the truth, but I still felt horrible afterward. Honesty hurts I suppose. Searching For on 7/21/2003 11:15:00 PM.
Missing my nightly chats with Lana, thinking about how in a week I'll be in Tennessee and how there is a thing of Lifetime at 7 next Monday that appears appealing. Reading Wuthering Heights, enjoying it and wishing I didn't feel guilty b/c I have volleyball early in the morning....and even missing my slight amusement of the month.....I am horrid...but not as horrid as Heathcliff..... Searching For on 7/21/2003 11:10:00 PM.
"Believe nothing against another but on good authority; and never report what may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to some other to conceal it."
--William Penn Ah well, it has been a most exhausting week. Volleyball camp was wonderful as everyone knows. Work was awful, but it's over so. I am bound and determined to get new tennis shoes today, and my mother is killing those plans. I do need a shower first though, so I suppose I am not ready to go should she come home. Of course if she does come home, she's not likely to have enough energy to go. Sorry, that was my ramble of the day. I got home from work last night at 2:32am. I have never been so tired in my life. It's not that it was extremely late, it was that I have not had a break in life for a WHOLE week. Today is my slacking day. I woke up about 2 (but I didn't go to bed until 4, I had to shower away all the grease....that takes awhile you know). And I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in a week, killer I tell you. I definately need new tennis shoes, my current ones, have truly bit the dust, they cannot be worn in public! of course all the blood on them, I swear why do they make the flappy things? I need a haircut like no other and I so want to get one before I go on vacation......right guess when the salon opens back up? July 28th. great. I just need a haircut in general, my layers are so far apart they look like funk. Not that I do my hair anyway, lol I only work or babysit or play volleyball. But actually this week isn't looking too bad. I have volleyball camp at Lordstown, but it's a 7-2 type deal. Then I have to work Saturday and Sunday and then TENNESSEE!!!! I cannot wait. My AP scores are supposed to be in as well. Everyone besides Meg and I have recieved them. If I got a 1 I would be ok with it, I'd JUST LIKE TO KNOW. lol. not that I'm waiting on them or anything. I definately need new tennis shoes, like for running and normal wear and I need white tennis shoes, for fake wear. Some K-Swiss would be nice...perhaps cheaper imitations, I can always look for those with Lana. This weekend was quite a seller, so I'm hoping my tail off for a good check and daddy said if Judy will write me a check Sunday then he'll give me the money for my trip, so that's nice. I still have a ton of books to read, but Wuthering Heights is really not bad at all. If I ever did my journals....goodness, I will have to do them on vacation, but they are just bs so, oh well. Well I have bored myself, so I am now going to shower and read some and enjoy being lazy. We are praying tons for Teresa here. I love all of them so much. I do hope my darling Kristin had a wonderful birthday, even though the circumstances probably lacked. Well tis time for me to go. Adios Searching For on 7/21/2003 05:40:00 PM.
7.20.2003 Hey you,
I had the weirdest horribliest day of work ever. Definately a day from hell. Ok not really, it was alright. When you are having day's from hell, God always slips something in there to remind you days are not from hell, lol. When I awoke there was someone in my house, which isn't pleasant, b/c I had to feed rabbits and my rabbits clothes are not presentable nor am I when I just awaken. And as I found out it was George Hughes, my personal favorite teacher friend of dad's. After I fed rabbits and froze to death I showered which I also hate doing when people are in my house then I headed off to work to discover I needed gas, annoying. Then I went to work and time flew for awhile and then about 3 my eyes started getting blurry, like I had a film on them or some such and I started to get dizzy but I ignored it and then of course I passed out and after I pass out I always immediately empty my stomache contents when I awaken. Not a pretty sight was I. I laid down in some grass for awhile with a sweatshirt my darling friend Jenn gave me and chilled for an hour and went back to work as usual. It was busier than hell, which is good for my paycheck, but so hellish. Then Don came in to work and we didn't even work together until clean up, then he accused me of being hung over, but I swear that's what I felt like and if I didn't know myself....actually it was like normal migraine for me, my body's probably just exhausted or some such. I just fed rabbits for tonight and I have church in the morning so I'm so dead. My cousin's sister in law is in the hospital b/c the baby and high blood pressure and stuff isn't going well at all so that royally stinks. My brother got back from his cruise and had fun, which was good. Oh and the Debbie's kids, my boss's daughter, had the cutest little puppy today, a black lab and Dillian, the wild child sat still while it fell asleep in his arms. It was such a precious sight, it really was. Some guy tried to pick me up with some idiot line today and I was like, that was a horrible line, but what can I get you? and then pulled some shit on Don who was soooo confused so they'd leave me be. Arg, I hate being hit on, it's flattering when you're like 13 but after awhile it just gets old. Oh well. I definately need a shower and complete back massage.....good thing I see my cousin next week, her lovely boyfriend is so awesome at them, he took a class and he's like awesome and my cousin hates them b/c she's never sore, b/c she doesn't do athletic things, EVER. So I'll be in heaven at least then. Hell, I'll be in heaven the whole week, my cousin and her family are the greatest people in the world. I love them to death. Wow I'm rambling and need sleep and a shower....definately a shower. I love you....sorry for rambling so. Always, Me Searching For on 7/20/2003 12:33:00 AM.
7.16.2003 "If you are serious about your goals, drop the conditions. Go directly to your goal. Be your goal! Conditions often disguise strategies for escaping accountability. Why not just take charge and create the experience you are looking for?"
--Eric Allenbaugh "Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal." --Friedrich Nietzsche "The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." --Ben Stein "Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities." --William Bridges "Without discipline, there's no life at all." --Katharine Hepburn "Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance." -- Bruce Barton Searching For on 7/16/2003 10:33:00 PM.
Okay, so my daddy and I cannot leave our technology at home. I definately am on the laptop in my dad's room at the Holiday Inn. Amazing what services may be provided in hotels these days. Now on to the wonderful absolutely fabulous news. We WON! We won the whole freaking camp. Against D1 schools we prevailed. We split (meaning we won one and they won one game) against the 2 or 3 years state champion in D4, but they are now because of something like the addition of 3 girls, in D3....we should see these girls again. We were tied this morning, with 7 wins and 1 loss in the Gold Round, so we had a sudden death, one game to 15 rally scoring match. This means don't screew up, at all or the other team gets a point, after every play a point is granted. It's a very fast game. We played and we were down 14-9 when we got the serve, that means any mistake and the game is over. Heather got all her serves over and in, we triumphed, 16-14. It's so incredibly fabulous. We were supposed to go to malls tonight, but we managed to get to Cracker Barrel, where I completely ate a chicken salad sandwich on wheat, potato soup and mac and cheese. It was wonderful. Then every went to Hooters. I chose not to go. I mean.....it's Hooters, it's a bar with girls with big boobs that wear tight white shirts, I could do the same things at any point and time. I may work at Hooters through college, but heck I don't need a shirt from there. I am very excited about this win, but it's also a tad bit depressing, I mean it's SOOOOOOOO awesome that we won, it's INCREDIBLE. I mean we smashed D1 schools or played with them. But yet anyone outside the team and perhaps the parents here will be like, that's wonderful, but they don't understand how truly wonderful this is, they'll think it's good, but they will not understand HOW AWESOME it is. It's like winning a state championship with D1 and D2 schools. Wonderful, simply wonderful I tell you. Well, time to watch games!!!! and sleep. How heavenly! Anyway.... Searching For on 7/16/2003 07:45:00 PM.
7.13.2003 I so posted and blogger so messed it all up........ARGG. I'll miss you all! I love you!!!! Searching For on 7/13/2003 08:21:00 PM.
7.12.2003 I know, I post this song all the time, but I love it, even when I'm not feeling the lyrics.....the piano is so soothing.
Foolish Games You took your coat off and stood in the rain, You're always crazy like that. And I watched from my window, Always felt I was outside looking in on you. You're always the mysterious one with Dark eyes and careless hair, You were fashionably sensitive But too cool to care. You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say Besides some comment on the weather. (Pre-Chorus 1) Well in case you failed to notice, In case you failed to see, This is my heart bleeding before you, This is me down on my knees, and... (Chorus) These foolish games are tearing me apart, And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. You're breaking my heart. You're always brilliant in the morning, Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee. Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you. You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones As I clumsily strummed my guitar. You'd teach me of honest things, Things that were daring, things that were clean. Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean. I hid my soiled hands behind my back. Somewhere along the line, I must've gone Off track with you. (Pre-Chorus 2) Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else, Somebody who gave a damn, Somebody more like myself. (Chorus) You took your coat off, Stood in the rain, You're always crazy like that. ~Jewel Searching For on 7/12/2003 11:19:00 PM.
Just rereading a post on a glance......I loved how I said "similiar shoes" lol that's so true in all ways, literal and figurative. Searching For on 7/12/2003 08:13:00 PM.
You know it must be near impossible to be God. Ok well it is impossible. But truly, think of it. I'm starting to realize when I have time, I let God into my life. Or when I start to go crazy, God may come in, or when I am completely and utterly happy I go to God. But when I need Him, when I'm so lost in despair and confused, when I need Him most, I tend to turn away. God is so wonderful indeed. Ok, I know, enough, enough.
I just finished watching the Ya Ya Sisters and I am telling you it was a most beautiful movie. Today was a most beautiful day, praise God. I had to babysit and the kids were extremely tired and upset with each other. That was not all that wonderful. But, I did finish A Tale of Two Cities and I am going to try very hard to finish the journal for it NOW and perhaps go to the library tommorrow to get Wuthering Heights on tape for the ride to Cinn. However I do believe I am going to be driving for much of it, so one shall see. But I figure if I read like I honestly need to, I will my emptying my stomache contents once again and it would defeat the whole purpose of my father coming along. You know I have wonderful parents? My daddy is taking me to Cinn. driving, using money we don't have to spare because he cannot bear for me to be sick as a dog the whole time. He's so wonderful, I love him. I also recieved my MIA ACT scores today and I was floored. I pretty much figured I bombed them and I got a 29! I was thrilled. And my math score stayed the same and I missed the most in PRE-ALGEBRA. I laughed, I couldn't help it, I'm so taking that into Mrs. Gallo next year, she PROMISED us we would go up points, I stayed EXACTLY the same. lol I hope she won't take the Calculus job! Phil and Jenny are leaving on their cruise soon, I am so excited for them. I tell you in, the words of Kid Rock, (tacky I know, but I'm in a mood) "God is great indeed, if you believe." Church tommorrow, finally, praise God...you never know how much you actually value you church, even mine, until you have to work it. ::Sings:: "and I think to myself...what a wonderful world..." Searching For on 7/12/2003 08:12:00 PM.
7.11.2003 1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?
Well first there was Stormy, and then Flame...lol teasing. My first best friend and still my favorite best friend would be my cousin, Miss Marlena Christine Owen (wow when was the last time I called you Marlena?). As memory serves, ok well as pictures serve, we met at very young age, myself a few months, Lana almost a year on a couch @ Grandma's for a picture, lol. I cried, she cried...it was all very touching (actually I may have met her before, I know my mom took a plane trip with me when I was WITTLE!). However, I first began to love my cousin mostest when we had a rather large fight for two girls trapped in the same house for vacation. This is one of the reasons I would have to say she is my best friend, I haven't had a worse fight! lol. ::teasing:: I love you dearest. Every year I find myself being careful not to laugh at what she does, wear, or listens to.....I have finally learned it is highly probable I myself will find myself in similiar shoes, very soon, lol. My other best friend? my brother of course, he has always been my rock. No matter what is wrong in my life, he will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. Although I don't see him or Lana as often as I wish, these are some of the most influential people in my life and I love them ever so dearly for it. 2. Are you still in touch with this person? Yes most definately. 3. Do you have a current close friend? Well the above mentioned of course! And Kyle is rather close and so is Carrie, but tis different, sadly. But I do love them and they are very important to my life. 4. How did you become friends with this person? Kyle....we just rather grew together, neither of us liked Carrie's haircut in 8th grade and I had the guts to say it, although I was a real witch at that point in my life. I think he valued my honesty. He's still the most honest person I know and I would definately take him with me to chose my wedding dress type guy. I love him to death. Carrie & I met in 2nd grade...we've done almost everything the same since then.... 5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why? hmmmm, well Kyle, but we go through our spurts, so we're still in contact....Corey Kozar! lol I loved that oboy...but this is really horrible but I 'm think there is someone I was really close to and now I can't even remember their name...oh! Leigh Caruso, 6th, 7th and 8th grade. She was something else. She moved away at the end of 8th grade, but I loved her dearly. She was so fun and real. I definately at this stage in my life miss her a lot. Searching For on 7/11/2003 02:33:00 PM.
lol you best friend can always get you with a few words....lol he called me hun! I'm teasing all, I don't have an obsessive problem like that. I just miss 'em, lol. and besides I'm so tired of Nate. I'm serious I thought I had him tonight and dammit....arg I wish he'd go away. Thinking about banning the computer for awhile....lol I so wasn't invited!!!!! lol This is all in fun nobody go run and tell him I'm in love, that's all I need, another guy!
KwB 4u2nV [12:37 AM]: i stayed home and chilled with people here...but i gtg..ttyl hun Searching For on 7/11/2003 12:49:00 AM.
7.10.2003 Life has been so wonderful here the past few days and the whole summer really. Although it seems a terrible summer with the rain and my mom being sick, it's hard to be down. I mean I'm going to Tennessee we have a kick ass volleyball team, my brother's getting MARRIED, I'm going to COLLEGE and my mom's home all the time. I've been such a hermit I admit, but I'm pondering if that's really so bad. I mean if I'm so happy...why make myself unhappy. I don't think I'm happily a hermit, I do believe I don't care much for my "friends." I know that's bad, but one more year and what to do about it? Ah well. Praise God everything is so wonderful. I've actually been itching to go to church like no other. I think God has shown me a life this summer that isn't in the past lane, but rather in the slow lane and I'm learning to appreciate the little things. Like the girl I babysit asking me to be her sister. How wonderful life is and how great God is.
Searching For on 7/10/2003 08:33:00 PM.
You know all this rain is wonderful and it feels cool and refreshing on the skin, but it's not helping the grass or anything else. We've basically a moat around the house. Oh well...don't feel much like posting...actually thinking about playing Diablo for no apparent reason.....couldn't hurt...... Searching For on 7/10/2003 04:41:00 PM.
7.08.2003 Big Brother is definately going to be an awesome season....I cannot wait.....
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." --Aristotle The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of the dream." --Eleanor Roosevelt "Keep true to the dreams of thy youth." --Friedrich von Schiller "You may have all the talent in the world, but it won't get you anywhere without your teamates." "'The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle." "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." Searching For on 7/08/2003 09:27:00 PM.
I am the worst person in the whole world....ok perhaps not the worst, but I am rather horribly bitchy to the opposite sex... Searching For on 7/08/2003 07:50:00 PM.
Well, nothing like being home for 2 days and realizing your mother is a major funk and you'd do anything to get her out of it. As Avril says, it's amazing what a coupla years can do. My freshman year I would have been so angry at her, wanting to scream and get away and hating it all. Now I sit here almost in tears but not quite because she is sitting directly to my right in the kitchen. I feel so HELPLESS. Sometimes I want to tell her about Nate and ask her what she would do or what I should do but other times I feel it's insignificant and I know it isn't but I can't help it. I honestly don't think I can be in a relationship because I don't have the time to commit. My mom needs me and I already have little time to give her. I haven't connected with her in so long. I sit her at this computer and I just feel so frustrated. I'm trapped with her, I babysit and I work and I go to volleyball but that's all. I don't go shopping I don't go out with friends and as much as my heart tells me that Nate would sure as hell be a good starting place for me, I know I can't do it, not now. I've got so much resting on my shoulders and yet so little. I so wish I had a crystal ball so I could see where all this is going instead of feeling so frustrated and clueless. I wish life had an instruction manual so that I knew what I was suppoesed to do. I wish I knew, Lord I wish I knew. I wish I had someone to confide in, but I feel so trapped and alone and helpless and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. If I could do anything in the whole wide world I just wish I could help my mama. I know the good Lord has this all figured out but sometimes I swear I wish that He would clue me in. I need....something....... Searching For on 7/08/2003 06:56:00 PM.
7.07.2003 I'm sitting here, enjoying the fabulousness of having nothing to do this evening and only feeling a little guilty about not going for a jog or lifting. I'm also contemplating how I feel about Nate. Yes, the one I convinced myself of that I could not deal with because it was too far away and it felt too much like a job, blah blah. When in the back of my head my conscience was screaming "SCAREDY CAT SCARDEY CAT" and of course my mom said, honey why don't you wait a bit, give it a chance....and I said no, it can't wait I have to do this today. FUTURE NOTE TO SELF.......MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT.....ALWAYS RIGHT.......MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT....ALWAYS ALWAYS AlWAYS RIGHT....anyway. But I'm contemplating if it's Nate I'm wanting, because he is the sweetest thing ever, basically, but he does fit most of my qualifications...besides, or if it's just a relationship in general that I'm wanting. My realistic side says you DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS, you will not give up your studying time for this, the studying time you basically do not have. This is not the time to be screwing things up here in your life, wait a year you'll be in college, it's just your hormones talking. But other the other hand I'm saying there is more to life than what you have, why dont' you try it out and see if you like it. And my subconscious is leaking out into my dreams majorally. Ususally they're of Nate but that makes sense because I talk to him right before I go to sleep, last night I think I had one of JR, but only God knows why. But I think I just long to be held and loved. I mean I think I'm majorally suffering without Kyle everyday. and I wish I had some psyche so I could figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with all these emotions that I don't understand. Usually my hormone dreams I can tell because.....everyone can tell their hormone dreams. But these ones are so much different, they're so wonderful. And if I want to start my relationship back with Nate I'm going to have to say something to my mom, and beats the hell out of me what can I explain it since I lied to her in the first place. MENTAL NOTE....MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT ALWAYS! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggg I need a bubble bath...... Searching For on 7/07/2003 08:06:00 PM.
7.06.2003 DON WILLIAMS -- I BELIEVE IN YOU
INTRO: C C G G(7) D D7-Am G G G * I don't believe in superstars, organic food or foreign cars G * I don't believe the price of gold, the certainty of growing old D That right is right and left is wrong, that north and south can't get along G That east is east and west is west, and being first is always best C * G * But I believe in love, I believe in babies D D7 G G I believe in Mom and Dad, and I believe in you I don't believe that heaven waits for only those who congregate I like to think of God as love, he's down below, he's up above He's watching people everywhere, he knows who does and doesn't care And I'm an ordinary man, sometimes I wonder who I am But I believe in love, I believe in music I believe in magic, and I believe in you C C Well, I know with all my certainty what's going on with you and me G G D D G G Is a good thing. It's true, I believe in you I don't believe virginity is as common as it used to be In working days and sleeping nights, that black is black and white is white That Superman and Robin Hood are still alive in Hollywood That gasoline's in short supply, the rising cost of getting by But I believe in love, I believe in old folks I believe in children, and I believe in you OUTRO: C C D D7 G Searching For on 7/06/2003 12:29:00 AM.
7.04.2003 Leap of Faith 17 [12:54 AM]: I believe are founding fathers roll over in their graves when they hear about our colleges
Lana13185 [12:54 AM]: lol. Lana13185 [12:54 AM]: true enough. Lana13185 [12:54 AM]: mine is a freakin christian college and they are corrupt so i cant even imagine how much they are rolling Lana13185 [12:55 AM]: but each time they roll tuition increases 7% Lana13185 [12:55 AM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [12:55 AM]: lol Leap of Faith 17 [12:55 AM]: that was cute Lana13185 [12:55 AM]: lol Lana13185 [12:56 AM]: late night humor Leap of Faith 17 [12:56 AM]: I know Leap of Faith 17 [12:56 AM]: it's going on the blog Lana13185 [12:57 AM]: lol. Searching For on 7/04/2003 01:03:00 AM.
7.02.2003 1. How are you planning to spend the summer? Working 3 jobs, practicing for a state championship for volleyball, reading 6 books and doing 800 pages of work on them, taking care of my mom, looking for schools and scholarships.....sleeping.......negative
2. What was your first summer job? Working with Judy! 3. If you could go anywhere this summer, where would you go? I'd give anything to be somewhere on the beach with my boyfriend.....oh wait... lol I'd give anythign to see the ocean and be on the beach though, just get away from it all for a while. I should have gone on that cruise with Lana. What the HELL was I thinking? arg 4. What was your worst vacation ever? When Lana and I fought! lol ummm I can't remember any besides that one being AWFUL persay 5. What was your best vacation ever? We don't go on vacation my mom has the social anxiety disorder......lol, only teasing, but we really don't, my mom HATES to go on vacation except to TN. Searching For on 7/02/2003 10:12:00 PM.
7.01.2003 The quotes were very good today I must say.........
"Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do." --Anon. "In the arena of human life the honors and rewards fall to those who show their good qualities in action." --Aristotle "Happiness is rarely a reward. More often a totally unexpected gift." --Pam Brown "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." --Winston Churchill "I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen." --Ernest Hemingway "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." --Stephen Covey Searching For on 7/01/2003 05:52:00 PM.
Another day. We learned a new defense today...well not a new defense, but a new way of looking at playing. It's quicker....it makes us quicker....and it's a hell of lot more moving and extremely tiring, my leg muscles were quivering definately. But it works, it works well. Babysitting was lovely today, a shorter day, longer tommorrow and then real work thursday. I have to take money out of my fund for gas. That does not make me happy at all. I'm getting frustrated with all this college stuff but oh well. On one hand I'm tired of constantly following in the footsteps of my rather perfect brother. On the other hand I feel safe though, although not completely happy. I honestly wish my parents had just let me be an athlete. Isn't the second child supposed to rebel from all that the first child did? I do love my brother very much though and I want our kids to grow up together....because I could never do what our moms did and strike out everywhere. I want to be close to my brother emotionally..but I want to be close physically as well. I know, I've watched Everybody Loves Raymond.....I know we're going to fight...but I just want it. But on the other hand, I need my Wide Open Spaces, I want to try and play volleyball in college. I think I could do it and I want to. My parents will never understand. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I'm really ok, I'm just exhausted I tossed and turned again last night after not even going to bed until 1am. I know, stupid, dumb, etc. Oh well. I figure I'll finish this book I'm reading for pleasure and then read some of A Tale of Two and through some practice clothes in the washer and get some sleep. The good thing about my days is that with all the constant physical activity, my body doesn't want meat or carbs, it wants rice and veggies and fruits and yogurt......and I'm too tired to make much else. My mom went to the doctor today, I'm hoping he finally had something good to say. Mom went to Grandma's and they obviously went out to eat. Bah Humbug. lol. Oh well, I'd be too tired anyway, but i wouldn't mind seeing G & G. Ah well, I've rambled enough and I'm very tired. Good evening all Searching For on 7/01/2003 05:51:00 PM.
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