This is going to be one of those deep blogs, one of those that I've been writing in my head for about, what say 2 hours? I put up the good ol' away message and told my mom I was working on my English so she'd leave me be. I think she'd leave me be anyway. I'm definately still bawling, I always hated that drive home, wanting to just let it all out about how unfair life is and how God can seem awfully cruel sometimes, to let me have such a wonderful time with people, but only small doses, then he makes me go home in car with my family everywhere where I can't just bawl my eyes out for hours. This post, just for the record is for Lana & Tim. I could have sent emails, seperate ones too, but the I highly doubt one would have kept the other from whatever I wrote, and I wouldn't find it necesary to keep them secrets either. And no one else even knows I have a blog but if someone feels like reading about my life, well then, whatever floats your boat. This grammar by the way, is going to be ugly and things might not make sense, but when one is in a highly emotional state, they generally do not care much, lol. Anyway, here goes nothing.
Lana, you know that I love more than pretty much anyone else in the world. Since I don't get to see you everyday, often I tell myself that you're my cousin and I love you but you're just my cousin. Well, from my side, that's pretty much a complete and total lie. Without you in my life, I wouldn't make it, you're like a sister God cruelly decided to keep from me. I think I love you more than I love myself, and I love myself a lot. You're like another part of me, the part I am not able to be or can't find the time to be. Without you, I'd be lost. With all my heart I wish I could find some solution where our children could grow up together and we could spend our Saturday's grocery shopping together and our evenings over each other's houses. There has always been the decision in the back of my mind whether or I'm going to go with my brother or whether I'm going to do with you. I struggle with this decision so often...it's unbelievable. I love my brother, I'm connected to my brother, but even you know more than my brother, you know more than I tell you, you always have. So many problems I've had, have been fixed in your house. The last time I was there, the dinners we had, those were the first full meals I'd eaten in over 6 months. That was my first step to recovery that I wasn't about to tell a soul, but I did it, and I got out of it all because of that simple thing. When my brother leaves, I feel sad, but I don't feel like I've had my heart ripped out and stepped on and burned. I don't know how I'm going to make the decision. I know the decision my heart wants me to make, I've always know that decision, but I suppose the question is, is possible? and if it is, do I have the courage to do it? I suppose that is one decision I will have to make sometime soon, but just so you know, I love you always, with all my heart, forever and forever. And you have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world (ok, so he came with tribulations, but....currently =} ). You chose so well, I wish you all the luck in the world. (wow that was sappy)
Dearest Tim...wow, where to start is the question. Lana knows a lot of the background, but somehow I have a feeling you know a bit, but not...all. You'll never know what having you around for 5 days has done for me, you truly won't, but that's alright. Know this, you've made me a much happier girl, and you've changed much of my perspective on the male population. Up until this past Wednesday, I did not like to touched, at all, period. I don't like it when my own grandma touches me, I always flinch and fight the urge to hit something and scream. I don't let my best friend hug me, which definately makes him feel weird. I've hugged 3 guys outside my family, and I was caught by suprise each time. I've never kissed any guy either, in fact at last count I've turned away 32 different guys (not to show numbers, but to show...how strongly I feel about it). By my 9th grade year I was way to skinny to be natural, but I hadn't lost any curves and besides them, I lacked one bit of fat. Being a freshman...and stupid as freshman are stupid, I got used to being hit on and things I probably shouldn't have been used to. It's pretty sad when a guy hasn't hugged you, or kissed you, or he's tried and you've turned him down and he's been too busy doing other things to notice. Guys can be so oblivious when they choose to be, no offense intended. I truly am seen as a slut around my school, and it's somewhat comical b/c I haven't done a sluttish thing in my whole entire life, in fact up until the end of my sophomore year I was contemplating becoming a nun just b/c I was completely against having sex ever...(lol, wow Lana, those were...interesting times eh?). Anytime I'm touched, as a rule I generally flinch, unless I'm completely focused on acting like a slut just to get guys to leave me be. So anyway, these past few days, you've reminded me that not all guys are evil and I stopped flinching almost completely, although I'll prolly always have a slight twitch, no big deal, lol. Oh and hmm "saving" me at Wal-Mart, the last time that happened to me, b/c it happens a lot unfortunately, I was left out to dry by my "friends" b/c apparently if it happens you deserve it, according to them. I've never felt more protected in my life. lol, it doesn't seem like much I know, but trust me, I've had my head screwed on sidesways for awhile. I went through I'll never date a guy who's not an athlete, then the why seriously date when I can just move around...oh and I never let guys open doors for me, never...ever, lol so that was a huge step. And guys here, they don't go out of their way to be nice to people, nobody here pays any attention to anyone else in any way. I mean honest to goodness I jog up at the track everyday, and I have said hello to at least 40 different people, and 2 have said it back, it drives me crazy.....another reason I seriously contemplate a, shall we say "culutral" move into the South. You have a wonderful personality and it was nice to talk to two people who had brains, even if we weren't having mind numbing conversations. But, from you, I have regained some confidence in the male species and if I can find someone remotely close to you, I know that I will get through this life a very happy girl. I know, I know, everyone has their faults...but you're a truly wonderful guy and my cousin is an extremely lucky girl. thank you for everything you did and didn't know. You will forever hold a special place in my heart, maybe a little below Lana, but....lol, only kidding, I love you always as well.
You guys are the greatest....and I do believe I'm going to count the days until I can see you again. If I have to babysit the brattiest kids I know...I shall. I hope you have had a wonderful return trip. Enjoy your summer together.

Always,
Clarisse~

Searching For on 6/08/2003 04:07:00 PM.