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4.27.2003 The happiness I feel right this second, the youthfulness, the "light heartedness" I've never really understood those words until this moment. This moment right now, at 1:45am April 20something 2003. I feel so light and happy. Like when I was younger and had my favorite peach nightgown on and woke up to a brillant sun to go up to the fort to feed tabby and flame in my bare feet. I felt so rebellious then. I don't feel rebellious now. I feel happy. Happier than I've felt in....in as far back as I can remember. True happiness. Not that my life is horrid. I just feel so happy, so light, it had to be shared. I don't know why. Maybe it's my youth and my body realizes summer is coming. Or maybe it's simply the birth control regulation my wacked out hormones. Who knows. What I do know is that I want to remember this moment forever. The stillness of my self. The birds lightly twittering outside my slightly open window, the only reason I hadn't pulled the shade is because of the strange arrayment of lingerie drying from an earlier washing. Somehow I don't feel tired, I feel tired but not dead tired. A contented tired. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way. This spring break has been good for me. I think it's the running, I truly do. The running for happiness. Having the freedom to run and having my mind able to actually rest. I can't remember the last time my mind rested. I feel so calm, so reassured. It's so beautiful, I love it. I don't think I'll suffer from great fatigue in the morning, I feel not unrested, simply content. extremely content. God is gazing down upon me and I love him for it. I don't feel sad that I didn't see my friends constantly this spring break. I enjoyed the solititude of it all. It was wonderful. I love my friends but it was wonderful. I must sleep now...
Always, Me Searching For on 4/27/2003 06:45:00 PM.
4.15.2003 Hey,
Sprained ankles are absolutely no fun, I've had way too many in my life, but now my dad refuses to let me do just about anything without my lovely plastic ankle braces...it's just so much fun to play in their free movement that they allow. lol. So I definately feel sorry for Riddle. Oh, and anyone watching 11 year olds playing in a volleyball tournament...I feel for you. I have a track meet tonight at home, I'm actually pretty excited to throw shot with this new um, glide thingy, I always feel so lazy though, I've done 4 events for the past 4 years and now I do one...so boring. I guess I could do the 100 but why win it all? lol. It's so pretty outside, I love it. Definatley working on my tan this evening. It's too wonderful to do homework. My brother just decided on his best man, and I am now contemplating whether or not I want to be Jenny's maid of honor. I know my brother will chose the extremely attractive family friend for years to be one of his...groomsmen? and I was hoping to be escorted by him. It's all very interesting now. Today was definately a day from hell. A big prom fiasco and more annoyance from this lovely girl named Kelly. One day, my extremely short temper is going to go off on that girl most defiantely. Urg, but this prom thing, I'm not even going to prom and I'm so ticked at it I could scream, absolutely scream. But I ranted on my blog for a good twenty minutes so no need to bore you with the intricate and boring details. English was of course horrid today, we got our tests back and I got an 80.....4 maybe? I dunno but most of the class failed, gotta love that class. It's all good in a way though b/c I did get the highest grade, so I'm all about the curve, lol. Go bored during my anal math test today, I definately hate when that happens. Then lunch came and of course that's when everything started going horribly. But on the brighter side Kyle came back today, and I definately missed him. He's pretty traumatized about everything and doesn't want to drive at all, I definately don't blame him. I hate not being able to get into his head, I mean I tell him absolutely everything, ok more than I tell anyone else and he does the same. I hate not wanting to pry but feeling people you'd die for so hurt and you can't do anything about it. It's pretty much awful. Oh btw you definately kept popping into my head today in chemistry, you've really got to stop that, I do need to learn somethings you know. Wow, I definately did some major babbling. Ok, now that I have to go get ready for my meet I believe I'll stop. ~Hoping your day was better than mine~ Always, ~Clarisse~ Searching For on 4/15/2003 03:20:00 PM.
4.14.2003 Getting engaged has got to be one of the best feelings in the world. It's so weird to think of Phil & Jenny as one. I'm going to be in a wedding!!!!! Well that's enough wasting time, it's time to shower and get cracking on anal math. English was so awful. urgrghruhgruhgrug. My brother sent this today, I thought it was so cute. Of course I've heard but it is cute~ "And a license and a blood test and a bunch of invitations, a minister a white dress and of course a congregation, and flowers and music and candles and cake, and a bunch of rice for folks to throw as you drive away. And bridesmaids and groomsmen and a wedding coordinator, and food for the reception, you'll need someone to cater. Did I forget to mention it will take a couple rings, and of course a PA system if you're wanting me to sing." -Brad Paisely. Searching For on 4/14/2003 04:36:00 PM.
I am ranting and raving in studyhall to my computer. What a great day for Kyle to be absent. I feel so bad for Kyle though, he got blindsided by a 90 year old lady and she died. How horrible is that? I mean he's ok, a little banged up and stuff and it wasn't his fault or anything, but how horrible would that be? I need to do something for him but I just don't know what. I don't want to call and be annoying, I don't want to just show up. I can't decide.
Now, onto the next issue. Kelly (oh what a lovely thing it is to be able to say someone's name and call them on what they're doing without fear of being completely called on it). Ok, we do not get along in the first place, but at least I am civil about it. I am trying very hard to be Christian about the whole thing and the only thing I would like to do is punch her in the face. I never would, but I am getting so frustrated and angry with the whole thing if I did not restrain myself it could get extremely ugly. Then we had an awful English test today, I just about threw it away I was so ticked. Urg. I have an anal math test tommorrow I have to study for, but it's definatley a good thing I have track practice first or I wouldn't get anything done. Volleyball practice would be even more perfect, so I could take my frustration out on the ball, but I guess I'll have to live with killing the shot and hopefully not kill myself. Honestly, I am so raging right this moment. While all this going on I'm thinking about Nate in the back of my mind, so that so doesn't help. I was thinking about maybe giving him my blog address, I know, I know Love always, Clarisse Searching For on 4/14/2003 02:04:00 PM.
4.13.2003 Hey you!
Goodness, things have been so incredibly crazy here! My brother got engaged Friday and my phone hasn't stopped ringing nor has my family had a silent moment. A great atmosphere to study in, lol. But it has been so wonderfully happy here, plans are being made to head up...er down to Columbus next weekend, so I'm excited, missing another track meet of course. Things have really been so happy here, in fact, my parents let me sleep through the day yesterday basically, lol I felt so lazy. It was really nice though, I was pretty exhausted. The only three things wrong with my weekend were that I have 2 tests of the devil to study for and I didn't see you, and Kyle got into an accident ( some 90 year old chic broadsided him, he's banged up abut alright) other than that, it was beautiful. Well I have to get back to studying for English and anal math unfortuntatly. Spring break cannot come soon enough. Searching For on 4/13/2003 03:58:00 PM.
4.08.2003 A blank blogger stares back at me. My thoughts swarm in my head and I hear horrid poetry whispering through my head. Maybe it's the fatigue, but it's the emotional period, maybe it's the birth control, but maybe, just maybe, it's him, reaching into the back of my mind, making me feel guilty and wondering. Will there ever be a guy that doesn't love me so much, one that doesn't always agree and argues but knows when to quit. Should I have jumped at the chance I've had for the past year, should I take a chance with my best friend, or should I have no gotten so annoyed Sunday night? Is there a man for me out there? One who gets angry and doesn't declare his love less than 4 days after he's met me? One that runs from the chase enough so I know he's interested, but doesn't quit too early. One that I'm comfortable enough to say and do anything, but one that doesn't rush in. Is it wrong to want to know him before he's sweet to you? Is it wrong to want him to be crazy and wild with him and dance in the rain and be passionate before he loves you. Is it wrong that you don't want to think about feelings and just want the moments to last forever? I wonder these things and question them greatly. I wonder so much, I wonder. I miss "my boy" he's always out doing other things and it drives me crazy. He calls for this or that and we chat for a bit and he helps me out, but he doesn't love me, and I love that he doesn't love me and I love that I'm comfortable enough to say anything or do anything with him. But yet he leaves me and invites me to come along and he says, it's ok I'll be here, you'll be ok. I feel like I'm losing him. I feel like I latched on this weekend (ok, so I knew I wasn't going to be serious and it was cruel to do that to the guy, but rgr) but why did I do it? It didn't make me happy, it made me feel horrid. I couldn't ever do it to him. This doens't make any sense. I need sleep. I'm going to study and then sleep. Searching For on 4/08/2003 06:30:00 PM.
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