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1.30.2003 A beautiful day has come to a close. Well almost. Time for some crunches and some tv and then some more anal studying and shower and sleep. Searching For on 1/30/2003 08:35:00 PM.
1.29.2003 Snow day, used it to catch up on the sleep I missed. Studied for chemistry for real this time, worked out a lot. Talked with Kristin, Carrie and Meghan, ignored JR, didn't feel like ruining my day with him. Watched some quality Lifetime movies. Missed talking to Kyle, never wrote the note, I think I'll just tell him. At least now I'll feel like looking nice tommorrow instead of just pretending. HMM what to wear friday, maybe I'l wash one my sweaters, I haven't worn them in ages. yes yes, sounds wonderful, I'm off to do some theigh exercises now. I like exercising. My parenrs are driving me crazy, I can't wait to leave. Being held back a year was definately not cool when it comes to this. I just want out, I want to be "on my own" I honestly am starting to understand "she needs wide open spaces, room to make a big mistake, she needs new face, she KNOWS the high stakes, she KNOWS the high stakes." urg Searching For on 1/29/2003 07:51:00 PM.
1.28.2003 Another interesting day. I didn't sleep a wink last night.....and I mean a wink. I even took a TY pm, so I was a bit freaked, I've never not slept at all. But I didn't really feel it today, knock on wood. I'm going to try and get to bed earlier tonight though, I'm hoping for about 9ish. Anal math took me 2 hours to do and I'm still confused, it's really quite pathetic as it was only inequalities. I was a bit snippy though, so I know it showed through that, my tiredness I mean. At lunch I actually just moved to not have to hear anymore complaining about gallo, it gets so old and I just grow tired of it, I hope I didn't offend anyone, I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just doing some anal and tired of hearing about how horrid she is. Kyle and I had a really conversation today though, last period. I was really frustrated about my guy situation and he managed to get me to laugh as he suggested a restraining order. Plus, I just told him I was fed up with everyone being so against drinking etc and the people that do it. I'm so tired of the divide, it's almost like the continental divide, no joke. SO FRUSTRATING. People just can't accept people. Then Kyle and I were talking b/c I am once again back to square one on my future occupation so I told Kyle I think I really want to be a hooker. He told me I'd be a sexy hooker, and he'd be with me b/c he didn't think I'd be that slutty. I love him sometimes. I mean it sounds horrible, but it's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. We had this really long talk though and I went to leave and he asked me not to, it was nice. It's nice to have my best friend back again, but once again he and Bridget aren't getting along and he says this time it's for good. People keep trying to get them to patch up, I truly wish they would just leave them alone and put their noses back into their own business. Gosh I missed him, I was such a bitch to him all last week, and I was going to write him a note, maybe I'll go for the email approach, naw a note is better. I will do that after some chemistry, or maybe before, who knows, I don't feel much like studying tonight, so I suppose you could say I do feel like being stupid sometimes. I really do need to study though, because I don't much understand. Ugh, I just want to shower, throw some clothes in the washer for tommorrow and dry them and sleep. Kyle is such a sweet guy, I really am happier when we're not fighting, well we don't really fight, we just don't get along. Anyway, I've avoided studying long enough, I really must go. Searching For on 1/28/2003 07:33:00 PM.
1.27.2003 I am such a witch..... Searching For on 1/27/2003 06:47:00 PM.
AH well, a most interesting evening. I decided to venture off to Kyle's and it took me 15 minutes, our roads are awful. All in all I think it was a good evening, but I"m a bit undecided. I walked in and the first thing Kyle does is says he.......and his eyes travel, ok so I wore my red shirt in hope of a little fun, that's my fault, but I didn't know it was goign to be pack full of guys. So his eyes travel and he's like, you've got to give me some liberty, you know I can't handle that. And I'm like, well duh, I did wear the shirt my dear. It just really started to annoy me when the girls started getting in on it, I was just like, shut up, JEalousy is a nasty thing. Kyle really did make me laugh though, he's been fascinating for at least a week with my new wardrobe. And then I did have to laugh when he looked at me and was like, damn I thought it was hot in here. I did laugh, I admit there was honest laughter and a mad dash for my sweater, but nevetheless some laughs. I mean, but he's let me cuddle before and he's been sweet before so I couldn't just be a bitch about it you know? I mean it didn't bother me either, so. Besides, I could judge his meter by his jumping on top of me when I was laying by myself on the couch and staying that way for a bit, just as I was about to tell him I had to roll over for this to work comfortably, he started rolling off. I mean, we're great friends and I love him. I was really caught off guard though by the first time he asked their size he was dead on. I mean dead on, my mouth dropped and I tried really hard to act as though he was completely off. But then he said that was Tiff's so that couldn't be mine and I just wanted to laugh and say TIff just doesn't want to admit that they are bigger and buy bigger bras, she fallls out like no other (don't question my sexuality, she's changed right next to me in the locker room for 6 years). By the end of the night he's questioning if they feel as good as they look and I joked around with him, I finally told him if he gets a feel then so do I and when I shyed away from public touching (I'm not a whore after all) he smiled and said he'd keep that in mind. But the girls, I got real tired of the girls real fast. I just wanted to smack them. Ugh. but they really didn't ruin my night. I had a lot of fun with Kyle and Grant, etc. Then Jimmy helped me get out of the driveway, it was an adventure, I had to go first and there were literally 20 cars there. I finally realized what all the manuever ability we're forced to tkae is, our roads get to be horrid and it takes a lot of patience and moving in and backing out. I mean he was half stoned, but he was still sweet enough to do that. He's the same guy who found my keys and kept them and knew enough to give them to my dad. I mean what a sweetheart. That's why I love the guys, they're always out for a good time, but they don't forget about us, well about me. I think it's because I don't condone what they do. I honestly feel I could date anyone of them and I wouldn't have a problem with them. No, I'm not going to go along with him when he does something illegal, at least while I'm still living with my parents, but I'm not goign to force him to stop either, if I do, that's not really him, he needs to make his own call on that. I don't know if it's wrong to think that why or exactly why I feel that way, but I honestly do. Last night I had the most beautiful dream. Maybe one day I'll reveal something on here, but I only reveal it to myself as of now. It's quite strange and no one would believe me and it's also very umm risque, umm, shoot I can't think of the word, ah kinky perhaps. Anyway, I am going to sleep, I don't have school tommorrow but I have a whole day by MYSELF! I can't wait! I don't want to miss much of it. Good night all. Searching For on 1/27/2003 12:50:00 AM.
1.22.2003 so tired, so very tired of midterms, of this lazy life, of being tired of tests of studying very tired of studying and tests and still having no idea what's going on and the studying it never seems to stop when all you want to do is scream and make it go away it does not when all you want to do is make your last season come back around but you can't seem to get your butt up off the ground and get ready for the next one and a projects due and you have 2 midterms tommorrow but you're just so tired, so tired of it all, you just want it all to go away, you want to do your hair and your makeup and your outfits and feel good in your outfits and feel confident and not scream your lungs out and you want to shower, a long, warm shower and your want your period to be over as its so long, 14 days is too long without a break. tired of being so emotional all the time, tired of this cough, tired of feeling fat and sleepy and tired and tired of loving him and tired of hating him and tired of being tired and frustrated and frustrated about homecoming and prom dates and if i want to go to homecoming or if i just want to scream and if i want my friends around me or if i just wnat to scream tired of the solitdue but can't take the people. tired of tv and listlessness but there is nowhere to turn without the guilt tired of my mom but htinking of my dream the other day where she died and life was absolutely horrid but don't wanna talk to her or anyone just want to sleep and get up and turn the curling iron on and feel good, feel better, get rid of these emotions swirling around my head just wanna time out the world and get my act together tired of trying to make it work while everything keeps going, can't find my 8mile sounds track it ticks me off, wanna listen to it now while i'm studying i want to sleep i should study now so i can sleep later, it's almost 5 i've got to study and finish homework i hate this life can't wait for tommorrow to be over and friday and time to begin a new. thank you Searching For on 1/22/2003 04:25:00 PM.
1.16.2003 Just want to write, don't want to think about punctuation or what I'm saying just want to write want to feel my fingers fly over the keys, just want to to write don't want to stop writing or fix spelling mistakes or hear my keys suddenly become silent. just want to type sitting here thinking about forresstor and how he made jamal do this an di i think ujust want to type i think about tara typing everynight and how wonderful she is and i think this will bring me back to my own style, i'll stop writing to please and start writing because i like writing just want to write,, never understood why teachers liked my writing better just wnat to write got a 97 and 100 and 25/25 on my research paper, danielle got 100 and 99 and 24/25 but mrs. puterak wanted to tell me about my research paper and how good it was but i just want to type. don't wanna think about how danielle is better wanna think about how mrs puterak liked mine just wanna type don't want to think about everyone who did badly today and is depressed or how we all think we bombed our quiz just want to type don't want to think about continuing this hellish studying for another week just want to type happy about my diet is going sad about my exercise and lifting this week just want to type tired of having constant migraines all the time i want to run and scream just want to type i want to scream about chapter 9 being on our 9 weeks anal test, don't remember anything math is just a big huge mess just want to type want to slam my head up against the wall just want to type don't wanna think about my obsession with Grant in my dreams or turning of the noisy tv just wanna type don't want to think about being home alone or sleeping or just being still with my thoughts for a bit or doing homework or studying just want to type dont want to think about how I prolly know everything for my ap test after knowing all in the revier game except a things at the end just want to type don't want to think about accept and except don't want to think about college or cleaning my room or the kitchen or washing clothes or the game tommorrow night or what I'm going to wear tommorrow night or tommorrow in school or my chemistry midterm or anything else just want to type my head haches my stomache feels tiny i like it a lot that day i wrote a poem in spanish today it made me feel strange everyone laughed at me today Kyle's bright blue eyes burned into mine today and i didn't want to look away ever. it hurts me to know he'll never love me the way i love him sometimes. just wanna type don't want to think about homecoming or jr or Chris or any guy dont' want to hink about how I'm wasting away in my house or how i should be working harder in the off season or how boring I've made this week, i just wanna type. don't wanna think about I need to give myself a pedicure or that my hair is cut the wrong way or that I'm emotional because I'm on my period or if this is really going to help my writing. don't want think danielle is smarter than i am don't want to think about being selfish or stuck on myself or having problems don't want to think about my brother getting married even though i love jenny it makes him seem so domesticated and i feel so far behind and I hate it and it's horribly selfish. Kyle's eyes are so beautifully blue I almost dove right into them today, the thoughts running through my head made me so young and happy but they were just thoughts I don't want to think about how I dressed scrubby today or how fat i"ve felt and that I'm doing anything but dieting i haven't hused the weight bench in a year i just wann amove the stuff but not today i'm not depressed but these hormones running through my body are driving me crazy i wrote something today in spanish i'm not sure what for i was going to show it to kyle but then i didn't. i love how he asks me questions and doesn't mind when I won't tell him my grades and how he always makes me laugh even though sometimes he makes me cry and how i can always be honest with him and how cute I thought it was when he said he finally realized how hard it is for sport people to get through things and he felt bad or how much i loved him right then or how much i've hated him in the past or how much i don't know what love is or how much i want to have a boyfriend around and how much i could stand it if it were kyle but not anyone else and how cruel i am to think of others as being bothers and him being such a love when he can be so superficial but then again no he's real he's being real and he's finally understanding why we value the silence and why we get so frustrated when we run out of time and how our bodies feel like they've died and how stressed out we can get and how i'm not going to the girls game tonight even though i should and how i won't get most school spirit although i should how i spend too much time talking to teachers and how much i hate math analysis and how much i don't even realize what i'm saying and it's gibberish and i'll never read this but how good it feels to just let it flow and not here the keys stop moving and how glad i am my mom left because i was used to being home alone and how much i vlaue this time and what am i going to do about prom i want to to ask kyle but i know i'm not good enough for him but fo rosme strange reason he always pulls at my heart strings and that was why i was writing in spanish but id idn't know it it was confused i was tired of the big dark poblacked hole and the confusion and how i wanted to lfy away and wasn't afraid to fly and soar from this life and you don't realize the pain and the tears you've caused me and all the comparisions and how sometimes i've just wanted you to hold me not because i want you because i feel like i love you but i know i can't bcause it's all so silly and i don't hihnk about you every waking second of the day in fact if i don't see you i rarely even think of you but sometimes you're in my head and i wonder if it's my hormones talking but i figure it's got to grant that the hormones are kicking in for. why do i want to get away and have some real fun so badly why do i want to push my friends away yet when i'm around them i love them so much its unreal and i love how he cares for even though he really doesn't but why do i want to push him away i don't know i dont know i hate how he complain all the time but i love when he's by my side i hate rhyming i hate english sometimes and math anal and htis whole learning process it doesnt owkr i hate it want to change and i love emersona nd thoreau but i hate that test we had to take today and i hate how i wrote and i just wrote and maybe i rammbled but i just wrote but if felt good ot just write but i wished i was typing and htat I've been typing for so long now it all seems so weird, i wonder what time i started typing i wonder if normal people everydo anything like this i wonder if blogger will tell me that this post is too long i wonder who deciedes how long is too long. i love him but i don't and i'm over chris so much it leaves so much time in my day i need to clean my room and ialmost have the urge but i'm so tired and it's prolly beacuse i cut down on myc alroeis so much but i makes me feel so much better although it's demented. iw ant to be skinny mne again i likeskinny me but i k now how hard it is to get there andd stay there but i like me that way i'm happier and i'm more cofiedent and it's easier to jump and ic an't wait to be that way but its so hard to run 6 miles when you have school the next day. I so tired so sleepy but if i go to sleep i'll go to bed late againa dn i don't want to go to bed late again i want to be awaker and have lots of neergy tommorrow for the game @ YSU ineed tickets for it i hope i don't have ot drive i don't want to drive and hoave to park there i want kyle ot go with me but he can't he's got a amodleing thing i'm all confsued and he's got a mdoeing thing tommorrow so i wont even see me i'll prolly be so grouchy but wrists are starting to ache i wnder how many claroies thi sburns my head aches but the soun d of the keys i srelazing i want to sleep i migt sleep for about an hour or so and then get to it, maybe longer i only ahve to study a bit of chemistry AP history but i may starton math and english i'm not sure ifee like I've been studying all week but i don' mind i just don't feel liek goingt o th aschool i thought it was friday today. my wrists are being to become unbearable somebody called and din't leave a message and i don't recognisze the humber i think i'm going to stop and post now and turn off the tv and spit out my gum and atake a bit of a nap. yes a bit of a quieting in my mind a nice nap maybe some charles dickens reading i should read the grapes of wrath i wish i had it tara loves it tara intrugues me i have to go now my wrists hurt toob adlyl. Searching For on 1/16/2003 03:29:00 PM.
1.14.2003 *Sits down to begin writing a very long and intricate blog with very important worldy issues...spills water all over herself and returns* Today was not going well, when I finally realized.....*just got up and fixed agenda and made new away message. No longer inspired*...end season. Searching For on 1/14/2003 03:41:00 PM.
1.13.2003 "Dance first. Think later. It's the natural order."
--Samuel Beckett "Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room." --Kurt Vonnegut "Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain." --Anon. "The key to wisdom is knowing all the right questions." --John A. Simone, Jr. "Saying no can be the ultimate self-care." Claudia Black "I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right." --Albert Einstein Searching For on 1/13/2003 08:48:00 PM.
1.04.2003 I just made my first real strawberry banana smoothie. I have the headache of a lifetime. I feel completely free yet completely trapped. Searching For on 1/04/2003 03:05:00 PM.
Conformity, is the evil of mankind~ Emerson ideal Searching For on 1/04/2003 01:25:00 AM.
Ah, the holidays are over. It's funny have beautiful the time spent was and now it's over, I still have that lingering happiness sensation. I did have school today and I have quite a bit of homework, I'll start on it tommorrow, I could do it now, but i need to shower and sleep. I was watching the OSU game it was fabulous. It's nice to know someone can get out of Youngstown and make a postive difference and not be in the mob. It's so quiet here in my house. Half the time I foolishly find myself venturing into a room to find Lana. Sad, I know. The corner of my room is so bare, it does make me sad. it was strange going back today. Last night I once again did not fall asleep for the life of me until 3am, but I was pleasant enough all day. I read a fabulous book, Whale something or other, in any case, it was truly awesome.
I'm not exactly sure what has attributed to my change, my transformation. It was a slow process, I can gurantee. I'm not sure if it was the one night when Carrie actually listened to me and promised that although she may not agree with my opinions, she would never, ever say that they were wrong. That meant a lot to me, although at the time I didn't realize I had to fix myself before I could deal with the world around me. Maybe it was Lana, just Lana being here and having someone to suddenly blurt out things to, to laugh and be silly. To understand, to be comfortable in silence. Maybe it was the love of my family and the holidays. Maybe it was the beauty of Jenny and Phil. Maybe it was finally telling my mom and my brother I know I had an eating disorder, no matter how hard it was for me or them. Maybe it was me telling Lana not to buy the ugly turtleneck, only to have her buy it anyway, bc she liked it. Maybe it was finding God again, maybe it was the beauty of my roadtrip of my brother's graduation. Or the beauty of my Tennesee family, or realizing the beauty of my own. I'm not really sure. I'm just, I'm glad I've found myself again. Sometimes, I miss the constant flutter of useless activity. I'm not saying I don't know like to have fun with my friends, but I believe maybe it's getting time for my friends and I to part. If they enjoy that constant flutter of activity, more power to them. To me it just makes me cranky and rushed and I have the constant feeling of a hangover. I enjoy being quiet and taking things in more so than anything else. I like sitting at home sometimes. My life gets rushed enough between volleyball and track and church and various other actiivities. I like just being able to be me. I'm naturally very quiet, but I've always thought with Phil being so loud, and everyone loving him to death, I thought I had to be that way too. But I'm finally realizing I don't have to be. I can go to games and enjoy them, but if I don't have the urge to go out afterward, I don't have to. If I don't feel like dressing up for school, it doesn't matter. I'm still me inside and if people can't see that, then that's ok too. I like Emerson and nobody else does as of today in my English class and that's ok too. I enjoy studying certain things and learning them, I like learning and being intellectual and that's ok too. BTW- Lana nobody else did either the research report of the essay out of both of my classes. I laughed a bit, it always seems silly after, I'm sorry I had to those while you were here, you know I love you always. I realized last night that I was back to me, though I don't believe I've ever been this me, or at least not for some time. I was thinking about running and why I used to run. I was remembering back to my freshman year when I ran a 200 by myself on our track in record breaking time without breaking a sweat and just feeling awesome and Toy asking me how on earth that happened. I remembered running for me, beacuse of the feeling, not because I am me and I ran track, because I started early but I loved to run, not because it would keep me skinny, or I felt fat, or I felt obligated, I ran because of the feeling. I remember that and I remembered how effortless it had felt. I remembered when running was fun and not a chore, I ran because I loved the feel of the wind on my face and the hard ground under my feet. I ran because I loved the motion and how sweaty I got when I was finished and how the water always felt so refreshing and I remember wishing I could capture that feeling forever. I remember being able to run without headphones and by myself, b/c I wasn't afraid of being alone with myself. I remember my sophmore volleyball season and feeling the same way. I remember loving the satisfatory smash of ball and being able to hit the crap out of it, and our best senior back row specialist making a big deal about it one day. I remember that. I remember lifting the weights. I remember when being dedicated meant working in the offseason...and now I realize I did because I loved it and I loved the feeling and how it helped me with school. And just the perfect feeling of your body and your mind and your soul. I'm ready for that again, even though it seems silly to most, I need that feeling. I have to be active in that way. Not that I wasn't dedicated and loved every second this year, but it was a different feeling. The feeling that says the hell with all of you, I love you and will take you as you are, but I don't need your clearance, I don't need your ok, I'm me, and damn it, I'm good, but I'm good for me, b/c I love this sport, I love this game, and there isn't anything better in the world. I remembered it all. and if I hadn't been remembering it all at 3am in the morning, I would have gone out for that jog, and if I didn't have school, I would have ran. Tommorrow, I will run, I am sure of it, first thing, this isn't one of those times I will say it and forget it, because that feeling is in me, and it's urging to get out, to feel the soft track under my feet, the cool sweat of my body, the rhythem of life that will flow. And this time, I'll leave my headphones at home. Searching For on 1/04/2003 01:23:00 AM.
1.01.2003 "Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best."
--William Blake "Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em." --Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, II: 5 "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." --Maureen Dowd Why not give your best: "If a man has good corn, or wood, or boards, or pigs to sell, or can make better chairs or knives, crucibles, or church organs, than anybody else, you will find a broad, hard-beaten road to his house, tho it be in the woods." --Ralph Waldo Emerson "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." --Steve Prefontaine We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit." --Aristotle Searching For on 1/01/2003 12:54:00 PM.
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