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11.12.2002 Sometimes, just when you think God has decided that you are no longer worth his time, that you have been abanded, He suprises you. He comes back into your life with such a suprising presence, you feel that He was never gone, your faith in Him never wavered. Such are the moments I live for in my life. One day when people actually read my blog that are not close to my heart, I shall remove this and print it, and it keep in my heart forever, never really needing the words, because they are written forever in my heart and mind. But because of this beautiful experience I've had, I want to remember it when I believe that I cannot do it anymore, when the world attacks, this is what I want to recall. The following are 1- an email I wrote to my brother Sunday night and his reply, this Tuesday.
Phil, It's funny, things are finally somewhat normal here. For the past 3 or 4 years Christmas has been a hurried state and this house has been cold enough to freeze hell at times. But recently, it's all turned around and the Christmas spirit is in the air. Daddy is down on the dumps and a huge grump, while Mama and I dance around and sing carols and are just plain ol' jolly. We wnat to put Christmas decorations up now, but we've decided we'll wait until Thanksgiving. It seems it has taken us this long to realize that you're not here anymore in body, but we've finally managed to trap your spirit. Whether you realize it or not you've kept this family together more times than I can count. You were the joy, love, and happiness. No matter how old you become, you've always had the sparkle of a little boy in those blue eyes of yours. When you left, you left 3 unhappy people who were used to depending on their son/big brother to cheer them up. Well, we're finally learning and it's our turn now, to cheer you up and to remind you what life is all about. Life isn't about school, degrees, money, jobs, and grades. Life is about getting through all that shit alive, but realizing while it's going on, there's some awesome stuff. When I get really pissed off and done at myself, I try to smile and say you know what, "God doesn't make no junk." and I remember that even while math anaylsis is the devil and I dont' know what the hell's going on in English, everyday God let's me go and play volleyball and be with people I love and care about and I spend 8-9 months of the year with. God doesn't shut us in with nothing, no matter how much it feels that way sometimes. Geez Phil, you're falling in Love, no you know what, you're in love. That's so incredibly awesome! You know what, it might not be the best timing, you're not out of school yet, you don't have a job, you're poor as hell and school is a bitch, but you've got a great girl there who loves you. that's so beautiful, it's just awesome! You've a got a sister who spends her time, waiting to see her brother whom she goes to for advice and loves you to death and is counting the days until she gets to be in a wedding! I know you don't like it too much when I talk about the wedding or anything with you and Jenny, but if you could just see the look in both of your eyes when you're with each other, there's love there, a beautiful love, a love I haven't seen before. Mom and dad love each other I know, but that spark hasn't been there for an awfully long time. I love to see that extra sparkle in your eye, the one that says I love this girl and I love life and damn if I ain't the luckiest guy in the world. I love to see that. If you only knew how much I love being your little sister and how much I look up to you and cherish you and thank God everyday that you're my brother, and how much I thank God that our paths will cross more frequently in the years to come. Unknowingly, you've gotten me through some tough spots. We've always had to fight for everything in life, we were never handed anything on a silver platter. But you know what? You've always had to fight twice as hard as I have. Because I've always been able to watch you and study you and then plan my course of action. I've struggled, but I've always had the upperhand because I've always known I could get through it, b/c you already have, maybe not the same thing, but when I've been at a loss, I've always sat there and thought, well what would Phil do? So I'm here to tell you, that I KNOW you can do it. You can get through these last few weeks of college hell, even though you're tired and you're burnt out and you've had enough. I'm asking you for once, to let me take the lower hand, don't ever doubt yourself in this, b/c I've got ya, I'm telling you, you can do it, I'm postive you can, I'm postive you can even do it and not get so stressed out about it, b/c I'm here to take that stress. I can't take it away and I can't change it, but I'm telling you I love you and I believe you, in everything you've done and everything you'll ever do. I'll always believe you in, always. Even when everyone else is saying it can't be done, you can't be a famous rapper, or whatever else you want to do, your little sister is going to be right there in your heart, believing in you and supporting your decisions. I love you Phil and the facts of life may have made us siblings, but only a great and wonderful God made us inseparable best friends forever. This is straight from my heart (lol, no mom didn't force me to write to you). I love you and believe in you always~ Clarisse "When the world attacks, remember one fact, I got your back." Will Smith, Just the Two of Us FROM PHIL "Mom get the camera ready, your little boy's gonna graduate!" -Phil Evans 11-12-02 Family, Clarisse I've heard many coaches speeches, wrote some inspiring songs, watched inspiring movies, and listened to inspirational music my whole life, but nothing has ever motivated me and put me back to where I need to be like that e-mail I read from you this morning. I almost got tears in my eye, but I was so damn motivated by that note that I feel like I can do anything again. I guess you guys have always looked to me for the optimism and encouragement, but believe me when I tell you that that note was the most inspirational thing I've ever read and it means so much to me because it was written by my little sister who obviously isn't so little anymore. I printed it up and I'm going to keep it in a special place for the rest of my life. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective of someone who knows very little about what is exactly going on, but loves you and is inspired by you. You tell everyone that your brother is officially out of the whole he thought he was in and is back to kicking ass and loving every minute of his life from here to graduation and beyond. I wish I'd of had a note like that a month ago, but thank you. Words cannot express what that note did for me and meant to me. I'm proud to have been blessed with such an amazing sister and I love you. Even the most optimistic guy in the world needs to be encouraged once in a while. Now lets talk about my change in attitude all of the sudden. I have about 3/4 of a page left to write for that Tyson paper along with a few more financial exhibits, but the research is done all I need to do is finish it up. It should be done within two hours after class so around 3:30 it'll be over and the hardest part of my last quarter will be officially over. I worked on it for most of the day yesterday in my apartment. I started to get stressed out a little, but then I put on some Boys II Men Christmas music and it helped relax me. I should have been writing the actual papers at home all quarter, but it's too late now. When this paper is finally finished it's going to feel like the majority of the weight on my shoulders has been lifted. HELL YA! I spent Saturday night in Dayton at the Carman household. Jenny wanted to go home for her mom's birthday and they asked us to stay so we did. Her parents have really took me on the inside and they are starting to treat me like one of their own. Jenny's mom and I were up early on Sunday morning, while Jenny and her dad slept in. I got to talking about how things have been really stressful for me for the past month. Her mom (who now wants me to call her Teresa) was giving me some positive encouragement and telling me how she knows I'm gonna pull through and do great things. We got to talking just about our families in general and it's funny, but all families seem to be somewhat the same. There's always those weirdos and always some good ones. Her dad (Dave) talks to me almost non-stop about anything that comes to mind. He's got like a T1 connection on his computer and he had to show me how fast he downloads songs. Sound like anyone we know? Yesterday Jenny and I went out to dinner to celebrate our 7 month anniversary. You're right Clarisse with her in my life and my families support back at home, Dammit I am the luckiest man in the world. I got the money mom, thanks so much. It'll help a lot, I will probably still close my account at the end of the month though because 5/3rd Bank doesn't require a minimum balance for their checking accounts, but I'm going to wait a little for that, but I'll keep you posted. The main thing I'm glad to say is that my attitude is back, I went to BUS ADM 799 this morning and I was so happy and I couldn't even explain why. Maybe it's because I'm almost done with my last individual paper, or maybe it's just because after being down so long, I was looking form a change. But make no mistake about it, FLAME IS BACK. This coming Saturday is the retreat day for me and Jenny with the RICA. I guess we're going to a nice park somewhere about 30 minutes from here. It's from 9am until 4pm. I'm kind of looking forward to it. This Sunday is the Right of Welcome, so we're preparing for that. Jenny and I enjoy going to church on Sundays. I think it's kind of sad that it took a really stressful period in my life to get me to go to church every Sunday, but it has helped pull me through this quarter along with a few other things. The lights went out and we had to have church in the dark by candle light. I did mind though, it made me think of how things must have been before our time. You don't need electricity to have a good mass. Well I've written about a book here, but I want you to know what's going on. 8 mile with Eminem was pretty good, at least I thought. It's a little slow, but Eminem did very well. He played his role very well and it was somewhat inspiring. Sorry I didn't communicate with you guys yesterday, but I'm glad I got most of that paper done. There's a few more things to take care of before I get that diploma, but I'm going to do them and I'm not gonna stop till it's in my hand. Graduation day will mean a lot to me, it's been a struggle and I've had to fight in many different ways over the last 4 and a half years, but I'm excited and ready to do it. If I get home a little early today, I'm going to try and give grandpa a call. Love, Phil All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. •Mark Twain Searching For on 11/12/2002 04:38:00 PM.
11.10.2002 TO A PHENOMENAL WOMAN
> by Maya Angelou > > When I was in my younger days, > I weighed a few pounds less, > I needn't hold my tummy in > to wear a belted dress. > > But now that I am older, > I've set my body free; > There's comfort of elastic > Where once my waist would be. > > Inventor of those high-heeled shoes > My feet have not forgiven; > I have to wear a nine now, > But used to wear a seven. > > And how about those pantyhose-- > They're sized by weight, you see, > So how come when I put them on > The crotch is at my knee? > > I need to wear these glasses > As the print's been getting smaller; > And it wasn't very long ago > I know that I was taller. > > Though my hair has turned to gray > and my skin no longer fits, > On the inside, I'm the same old me, > the outside's changed a bit. > > But, on a positive note... > > I've learned that no matter what > happens, or how bad it seems > today, life does go on, and it will be > better tomorrow. > > I've learned that you can tell a lot > about a person by the way > he/she handles these three things: > a rainy day, lost luggage, > and tangled Christmas tree lights. > > I've learned that regardless > of your relationship with your > parents, you'll miss them when > they're gone from your life. > > I've learned that making a "living" is > not the same thing as > making a "life." > > I've learned that life sometimes gives > you a second chance. > > I've learned that you shouldn't go > through life with a catcher's > mitt on both hands. You need to be > able to throw something back. > > I've learned that whenever I decide > something with an open > heart, I usually make the right > decision. > > I"ve learned that even when I have > pains, I don't have to be one. > > I've learned that every day you should > reach out and touch > someone. People love a warm hug, or > just a friendly pat on the back. > > I've learned that I still have a lot > to learn. > > I've learned that people will forget > what you said, people will > forget what you did, but people will > never forget how you made > them feel. > > Please send this to five phenomenal > women today. If you do, > something good will happen........... > > You will boost another > woman's self esteem. > > If you don't ...the elastic will break > and your panty hose will > fall down around your ankles. Searching For on 11/10/2002 07:02:00 PM.
> A real man can read and see the humor
> Women will love this......... > Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on > the ground? > A. Shoot him again. > > Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? > A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the > noose. > > Q. Why do little boys whine? > A. Because they're practicing to be men. > > Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve > around him. > OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about > the screwing part. > > Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? > A. Trustworthy. > > Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and > calling your name? > A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. > > Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? > A. Because not one will stop and ask directions. > > Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? > A. To stop the snoring before it starts. > > Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? > A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. > > Q: What is the difference between men and women... > A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman > to satisfy his one need. > > Q: How does a man keep his youth? > A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. > > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? > A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" Searching For on 11/10/2002 07:01:00 PM.
11.07.2002 Album: 8 Mile Soundtrack (2002)
Song: Lose Yourself Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted…One moment Would you capture it or just let it slip? His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out He’s chokin, how everybody’s jokin now The clock’s run out, time’s up over, bloah! Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked He’s so mad, but he won’t give up that Is he? No He won’t have it , he knows his whole back city’s ropes It don’t matter, he’s dope He knows that, but he’s broke He’s so stacked that he knows When he goes back to his mobile home, that’s when it’s Back to the lab again yo This whole rap shit He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass him HOOK: You better lose yourself in the music, the moment You own it, you better never let it go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo The soul’s escaping, through this hole that it’s gaping This world is mine for the taking Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order A normal life is borin, but superstardom’s close to post mortar It only grows harder, only grows hotter He blows us all over these hoes is all on him Coast to coast shows, he’s know as the globetrotter Lonely roads, God only knows He’s grown farther from home, he’s no father He goes home and barely knows his own daughter But hold your nose cuz here goes the cold water His bosses don’t want him no mo, he’s cold product They moved on to the next schmoe who flows He nose dove and sold nada So the soap opera is told and unfolds I suppose it’s old potna, but the beat goes on Da da dum da dum da da HOOK No more games, I’ma change what you call rage Tear this mothafuckin roof off like 2 dogs caged I was playin in the beginnin, the mood all changed I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage But I kept rhymin and stepwritin the next cypher Best believe somebody’s payin the pied piper All the pain inside amplified by the fact That I can’t get by with my 9 to 5 And I can’t provide the right type of life for my family Cuz man, these goddam food stamps don’t buy diapers And it’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life And these times are so hard and it’s getting even harder Tryin to feed and water my seed, plus See dishonor caught up bein a father and a prima donna Baby mama drama’s screamin on and Too much for me to wanna Stay in one spot, another jam or not Has gotten me to the point, I’m like a snail I’ve got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot Success is my only mothafuckin option, failure’s not Mom, I love you, but this trail has got to go I cannot grow old in Salem’s lot So here I go is my shot. Feet fail me not cuz maybe the only opportunity that I got HOOK You can do anything you set your mind to, man Searching For on 11/07/2002 04:24:00 PM.
Yesterday was one of those days, not exactly good, not exactly bad. I had a ton of time on my hands and nothing to study for, so that was nice. But I tried running and then lifting and it hurt so badly, so I said screw that. I have to pick a career for my stupid career narrative and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. It's so incredibly frustrating! URUHGURGH. Kyle just made fun of me for having a blog Love always, Claris Searching For on 11/07/2002 02:15:00 PM.
11.06.2002 He said life was made for you to live.
The best love is the love that you give. There'll be times when you'll wanna hold on, but you gotta let go. And I live by those words cause Grandpa told me so.- Kenny Chesney ("Grandpa Told ME So") Searching For on 11/06/2002 02:51:00 PM.
11.03.2002 "The positive side of life"
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!.. "And that person was me."..... Searching For on 11/03/2002 12:14:00 PM.
Sorry for all the forwards and such all, but I've been going through my mail and it just makes me smile and laugh and cry...
God's Diet Plan > > And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach > and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would > live long and healthy lives. > And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent > double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" > And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. > > And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure > that man found so fair. > And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and > brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained > pounds. > And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." > > And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded > cheese. > And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. > > And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil > with which to cook them." > And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big > it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad > cholesterol went through the roof. > > And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those > extra pounds. > And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not > have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained > pounds. > > And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought > forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with > nutrition. > And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center > into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. > And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in > cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." > And Man went into cardiac arrest. > > And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and > stints . . . . . > And Satan created HMO's... Searching For on 11/03/2002 12:12:00 PM.
somewhere b e t w e e n the procrastination.... and the homework..... and the incessant forwards..... and the friendships..... and the calls to each other complaining about crushes!!...... Somewhere b e t w e e n the phone calls to old friends..... And the "I miss you's" & the "I love you's"....... And the "What are we doing tonight's?"..... And somewhere b e t w e e n all of the changing, growing... Somewhere b e t w e e n the classes........ And the skipping classes...... And the studying for tests....... And the pretending to study for tests....... And the downright NOT studying for tests... I forgot.......... I forgot what high school is all about.
I forgot what it meant to cry....... I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy........... And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart............ I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future.......... I forgot that you can't control falling in love........... And that you can't make yourself fall in love........... I learned that I can love......... I learned that it's okay to mess up......... And it's okay to ask for help......... And it's okay to feel like crud.......... I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day........ I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have. I learned that the greatest thing about high school isn't the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the hook-ups... It's the friendships, which means taking chances........ I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.......... I learned that letters from friends are the most important thing. And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better. But, basically, I just learned that my friends........ Both o l d and new......... Are the most important people to me in the world. And without them, I wouldn't be who I am today..... So this is a thank you to all of my friends. . For always being there and I love you. Searching For on 11/03/2002 12:12:00 PM.
11.01.2002 Today was good, this was week was pretty good, but... lol. I'm ready to have some real fun, I haven't had any since Homecoming (after de dance). We're going out tonight, to East Liverpool to go to a haunted house (I've never been, so I'm excited), but the crew we're going with is awesome. I've got my aber sweater from my brother all lint free and ready to go. I have to shower and fix my hair and stuff...but I need to lift and I to shower after I lift, but I don't feel like it yet. My mama's working overtime (YES, not that I don't love her or anything), but I'll be gone by 7 and she won't be home until 8, so I've got some free reign. My daddy gives me a curfew and I have to laugh, it's such a double standard, he never gave Phil one....EVER. I can understand with volleyball, but now, forget it. Tommorrow night is the playoff game an hour and 45 minutes away, as of now I'm going with Carrie's dad, but if I really wanted to and Daddy would let me, I could always follow Mr. Davis up there (ROAD TRIP!), if that many more people really need a ride. But the people going in the van is going to be fun anyway, it'll be Carr (of course), Meg, me, Kyle and it was going to be Stretch but now it's looking more like Marc or Grant (haha). That will be a blast, for real. I'm calling a seat next to Kyle so after I'm sleepy I can snooze on him. Plus, it won't be so bad being that close for 4 hours =} lol. It really won't, but don't get the wrong idea, he's more my brother than anything else. It looks like a fab weekend I do declare. I hope it is, b/c the 9 weeks ends this week and I'm sure it'll be absolute hell.
Always, Claris Searching For on 11/01/2002 03:26:00 PM.
Something strange,
Somehow I get the feeling I'm where everyone knows your name, It's not much different, but its surely not the same you'll find peace in knowing now I'm so sick and tired of hearing myself believe me, I never guessed, You had one up your sleeve well there I go So smile you've done your part, but I'm waiting for someone to say Cant take it anymore yea, Cant take it any more, yea Whats so wrong with being sad Left alone, I was stuck to go over all the things That I've done wrong, sure I was stuck in a hole But now we've got our song After all the love is gone, Where'd you get off saying It's not so lame We've had it different and I know we're not the same So there I go So smile you've done your part, but I'm waiting for someone to say, I cant take it any more, yea, Cant take it any more, yea Whats so wrong with being sad Searching For on 11/01/2002 03:19:00 PM.
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