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9.25.2002 WHY????
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed? If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your butt? Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?" If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? Why are they called stairs inside, but steps outside? How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"? What do people in China call their good plates? Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when asking where to find the toilet? Searching For on 9/25/2002 10:33:00 PM.
A few chuckles...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Butterflies taste with their feet. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. A cat's urine glows under a black light. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Starfish have no brains. Polar bears are left-handed. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Searching For on 9/25/2002 10:30:00 PM.
9.14.2002 Victory at all costs, victory in spite of
all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival. •Winston Churchill Searching For on 9/14/2002 02:53:00 PM.
Do you want me to tell you something
really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. •Erica Jong Searching For on 9/14/2002 02:35:00 PM.
You say that love is nonsense....I tell
you it is no such thing. For weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart, never leaving one, by night or by day; a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism, not intolerable at any one instant, but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength. •Henry Adams "Education is learnign what you didn't know you didn't know." George Boas. Searching For on 9/14/2002 02:33:00 PM.
9.07.2002 Get Yourself Some Girlfriends
Young and newly married, I relaxed under a pecan tree on a hot Texas summer day, drinking iced tea and getting to know my new sister-in-law, Estelle. Not much older than I, but already the mother of three, Estelle seemed to me experienced and wise. "Get yourself some girlfriends," she advised, clinking the ice cubes in her glass. "You are going to need girlfriends. Go places with them; do things with them."What a funny piece of advice, I thought. Hadn't I just gotten married? Hadn't I just joined the couple-world? I was a married woman, for goodness sake, not a young girl who needed girlfriends. But I listened to this new sister-in-law. I got myself some girlfriends. As the years tumbled by, one after another, gradually I came to understand that Estelle knew what she was talking about. Girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you are sick. Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets. Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don't. Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest. Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices. Girlfriends might send you a birthday card, but they might not. It does not matter in the least. Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter. Girlfriends pull you out of jams. Girlfriends don't keep a calendar that lets them know who hosted the other last. Girlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes! And girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and truly, when the hard times come. Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a husband. Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart. Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail. My girlfriends bless my life. Once we were young, with no idea of the incredible joys or the incredible sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.Get yourself some girlfriends. You are going to need them. Searching For on 9/07/2002 07:12:00 PM.
POEM
I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I knelt and said a hurried prayer, And jumped up off my knees. My Christian duty was now done My soul could rest at ease. All day long I had no time To spread a word of cheer. No time to speak of Christ to friends, They'd laugh at me I'd fear. No time, no time, too much to do, That was my constant cry, No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to die. I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life. God looked into his book and said "Your name I cannot find. I once was going to write it down... But never found the time" Searching For on 9/07/2002 06:59:00 PM.
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die? Searching For on 9/07/2002 06:57:00 PM.
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