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8.31.2002 I hate blogger.....I just posted about how wonderfuly my life is........and it messed it all up...it was a long one too! brrrrrrrrrrr! Searching For on 8/31/2002 11:07:00 PM.
I'm so happy tonight. Don't ask me why, everyone asked me if I was alright tonight, I was talking to Melissa and all of sudden I just let go, just like the old me, gosh I missed me. We lost the game 9-17 and my guy missed a few important passes. My friends didn't feel like going out for once so I just headed on home. I'm so elated though, so incredibly elated. I was this close to asking John what his plans for the night were, and I was actually stealing glances, it's funny the way we intentionally ignore each other. I was this close, so incredibly close, like walking towards close when I swear Tara came home from behind. I felt like I'd be slapped and then I headed back. That's about the point that I really let everything go. Everyone kept telling me they love me, for my craziness. I missed me so much, I'm so happy to be back. I am somewhat wondering if I've gone nuts though....I mean I have every right to be upset. My mom and I almost got into another fight again today, but she being the great mom that she is, fixed everything, I love her so much. I wonder if John is the guy for me these days...hmmmm. I went school shopping today. It went well except I actually didn't find too much....sad, sad. I'll be 17 Monday!!!!!! WOoohoooo!!!!! I'm feeling a bit inspired...maybe I shall write my themes right now...don't you love it when inspiration finds a terrible time to find you? I need to sleep to be pleasant in the morning, dear, dear, dear. Thank God for such a beautiful love! Searching For on 8/31/2002 11:06:00 PM.
8.30.2002 If I pray to St. Anthony........do you supose he would find me? Searching For on 8/30/2002 01:07:00 PM.
"I'm in the darkest depths of despair" ~Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables
“Dollars cannot buy yesterday.” ~Admiral Harold R. Stark Ahhh, well. Lana you asked where I was, I do suppose it was an actual question, as in quite frankly why wasn't I online. But I'll take this question another step. Where am I? I sure wish I knew lately. This has been a summer of ruin, of despair, of unpleasantness and hate, of tears of frustration, and tears of anger, tears of missed loves, tears of utter confusion. It all started off beautifully, my first true year of varsity ball, wonderful camps, a team of lovable and understanding girls. My cousin lived my life for a bit, oh how I miss those days, for those were some of the best days of my life, truly. But now, where have I gone? My ususal strong self, the one that sticks up for myself and others...has become so sickingly passive. And not b/c of guys, or b/c I felt there was anything wrong with how I was, it just...has. It all began with being a "newbie" on the varsity team all the while being a strong side hitter over seniors. At first, I blamed it on my unwillingness to go out everynight. Then I slowly began to notice how used I was and I cried, and cried. I cried for friends I thought I had, I cried for friends I may have had before, I cried for the constant feeling of lonliness to leave me, but it didn't. I cried for Jenni, one of my very first best friends who turned 360 before my eyes. I cried for Carrie being well...Carrie. I cried hardest over Meghan and Kyle. Sweet, listening, gentle Kyle, now stuck completely on himself he can't even see the real world anymore. Meghan so obsessed with "fitting in". Finding out you've been used is hard, and when you try and explain it to yourself or even to others....I couldn't do it, I just bit my tongue and let it go on. They leave me out as a floormat to step on these days. I'm always expendable and that hurts. When I really thought Carrie and Meghan and I were making steps to recovery at our volleyball sleepover, I tried to get out how frustrated and hurt I was when they left me to dry for Sadies...want to know what they said? "Well, that wasn't really our fault, and besides, we weren't the only friends that left you out." That's supposed to make me feel BETTER? What am I supposed to do, give them a big hug and say, well since you weren't the ONLY ones. I've become so passive and kept everything inside for so long, I've completely changed myself. It finally dawned on me today during volleyball practice when Mr. Knight had to ask me twice why I back off on a ball. He was even trying to help I believe my inner struggles, even he knows something's wrong, SO WHY CAN'T MY "FRIENDS" SEE IT? Never in my freshman or sophomore year did I ever back off of a ball, at times people could have thought me a ball hog. I never gave up on a ball, never, not when it went 10000000 feet and everyone thought it was useless. That's how horrible it's become, it's affecting the very game I love, the game I play to ESCAPE life. I don't know where to turn, I've come to hate confronting people. I can't even pray, I mean really pray with my whole heart. I find myself sending up prayers of desperation, not of love and caring. For problems to have quick fixes, not praise. I haven't even been to church in weeks. Everyday I just feel so upset, I never cry this much, I don't ever cry. I even have a guy that likes me and all I do is turn him down, I haven't even given him a real chance yet. Everytime he comes back and I scream and shout and tell him he shouldn't love me, b/c I'm not worth his time, I can't handle relationships, I've too much on my plate already, but everytime he tells me it's ok, we'll just go slow and he apologizes when it should be me apologizing to him. I'm toying with him, just like I always do, I decide I'm not strong enough to take the flack for not dating one of the "popular crowd" and in the end, he'll hate my guts, just like the rest of them. But that's what I want isn't it? I mean it must be if I do it EVERY SINGLE TIME. I feel so caught, between where my heart wants to lead me and where my head is. I'm not saying I love him or anything...but I never give them a chance...never. I feel so diconnected from myself. My sleep is troubled, yet after waking up I spend the day an extreme zombie, searching for sleep that won't come. I can't get anything accomplished. I want to get the confrontations over, I just want to call Carrie right this second and ask her if she can talk, if we can go and I can talk, but I know in the end, I'll end up feeling like the selfish one, the one who expects everything to be given to her, that's how I always end up feeling...like this whole...feeling is my fault......maybe it is. Doesn't anyone else in the whole world ever feel like this? How do I get out of it, I wish I could get out of it. Oh my dear Lana...I miss thee so much. I'm counting the days until my winter break and but it feels ever so far away. I wish I knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it. I don't much like not being able to "fix me." Searching For on 8/30/2002 01:00:00 PM.
8.29.2002 "Sometimes you just feel tired. You feel weak.
And when you feel weak, you just want to give up. But then you've gotta search within you to find that motivation And inner strength to just pull that shit outta you and not give up and not be a quitter, No matter how much you wanna fall flat on your face." -Eminem PS- We're 4-0....we beat another team 15-0....ok so the second game was 15-13...but the first one was awesome.... Searching For on 8/29/2002 10:24:00 PM.
8.28.2002 Wow....it's been a while! All I feel like saying currently is that, yes, we are AWESOME! 3-0 baby! To be 4-0 after tommorrow not, that's confidence, not to be confused with cockiness. Oh and my mommy is the best mommy in the whole wide world...she bought me a smoothie machine....I sure wish you were here Lana to enjoy with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Searching For on 8/28/2002 09:05:00 PM.
8.24.2002 I received this in an email today and.....it was good, corny, but eh, oh well. My Lana, I love you. Tim I hope you're feeling free and liberated and just plain ol' wonderful. I love you guys.
Dare to Believe Everybody Knows: You can't be all things to all people. You can't do all things at once. You can't do all things equally well. You can't do all things better than everyone else. Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's. So: You have to find out who you are, and be that. You have to decide what comes first, and do that. You have to discover your strengths, and use them. You have to learn not to compete with others, Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*. Then: You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness. You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions. You will have learned to live with your limitations. You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due. And you'll be a most vital mortal. Dare To Believe: That you are a wonderful, unique person. That you are a once-in-all-history event. That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are. That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish. And you'll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down. Searching For on 8/24/2002 11:28:00 PM.
8.23.2002 I'm really upset right this very second and I have realized that I have no where to turn but this stupid computer. This unfeeling, uncaring machine. I really wish Lana wasn't in school and she didn't live 600 miles away b/c I need a shoulder to lean on. If I have learned anything this summer it has been this...you can't trust anyone except Lana, ok and Tim too. But that's it. I can't trust anyone here. Dear God, I do truly think I'm losing it some days. I'm sitting here bawling and I don't know to do. I can't call anyone and it just makes me feel so lonely and even worse. Nobody's home and I'm glad, I don't want my parents right now, much as I love them. I fucked up today, badly. I mean I was all excited about starting the other day, but now I realize I'm starting with Lindsey Johnson, God's gift to the human race. My job is to make her ass look good and it's always my fucking fault if something goes wrong. I fucked up today, I ruined my chances of playing all the way around in front of Lindsey b/c I couldn't stand playing the Lindsey Johnson game. I couldn't let it go and get it out of my head and just play, no I had to fuck it all up. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! I can't figure out if I'm angry or. I just don't know what to do anymore. I used to be so headstrong and now I've turned myself into Carrie Davis. I just let things go, I bite my tongue and smile and nod when I think people are full of shit. I take so much shit and when I try to talk about it everyone just blames it on me, I did it to myself. I intentionally excluded myself from not going to Sadies last year, I asked Tiffany not to ask me, it's not their fault, they couldn't open their fucking mouths and say, well, Claris is our friend and we don't want to leave her out in the cold. Oh no, I would have done it for them, but they'll never do it for me. NEVER. How many times have I stood up for them, but I can't stand up for myself. I got ditched at Sadies without a SECOND THOUGHT, I got screwed over all fucking summer. How many times did I call and say, hey let's go out when I got my license? Who gave a fuck when it was my gas we were wasting. Then who called me to go out? Who returned my calls? of screw this, I need a shower and nap, who needs this shit. Searching For on 8/23/2002 12:17:00 PM.
8.19.2002 I just want you all to know, I'm feeling much better now. It's amazing what a swim with GOOD company can do for you. Terribly sorry about the language, I was upset and it was the mood of me. My parents are great really, just sometimes I feel like screaming and I feel like I'm spitting in the wind, you know? I wuv you Wana Woo....where for art thou? Scrimage tommorrow so I must have up at bed at least. You know who and you know who aren't on so there's nothing truly to do. I simply must get a jersey tommorrow! Well maybe they'll be around while we're painting signs... Searching For on 8/19/2002 09:44:00 PM.
My parents are driving me crazy, nuts, insane, etc, etc. I have yet to get a jersey for Friday, I have no volleyball shoes and the ones that the team is getting, don't come in mids. I simply asked my parents to come out with me to try and find some shoes for MONDAY and they fly off the handle. Geez!!!!! UGHUGHGUH! Lots of parents would be more than happy to have a child like me. An athletic, intelligent, outgoing teenager who doesn't mess around with anything or anyone she shouldn't. But not, they're not satisfied. I concentrate too much on volleyball. WELL EXCUSE me if I want to play in college and even professionally. Pardon ME if that ruins your plans of cleaning the stupid kitchen. I am not here to be your fucking slave, I am your child, wake up and smell the coffee. I don't COOK for you everytime you're hungary, I don't CLEAN for you everytime you make a mess of my things, I don't excuse you for calling me fat and lazy. I'm very TIRED of your SHIT and feel that it can fly right out the window. I cannot handle 2 more years of this, they're driving ME INSANE. I can't have a fucking boyfriend, b/c they don't want me too. I'm tired of this bullshit, that's all it is, is BULLSHIT. I refuse to be treated this way, I wish I could leave sometimes, they don't UNDERSTAND and they don't TRY to understand. Then I'm not bending over backwards to reach into their world, forget that, just forget it.
On the upside, I had the best volleyball practice I've had yet, it was awesome. Why do they ALWAYS have to ruin everything for me. Dumbshits, I should see how they like being called that everyday of their lives. Searching For on 8/19/2002 05:43:00 PM.
8.10.2002 I DID IT!!!!! I DID IT!!!!!! Searching For on 8/10/2002 03:48:00 PM.
8.05.2002 What did I get myself into? Searching For on 8/05/2002 04:03:00 PM.
What did I get myself into? Searching For on 8/05/2002 04:03:00 PM.
I'll fix this...really I will.............HTML SHOULD DIE! Searching For on 8/05/2002 04:02:00 PM.
Ahh, how can anyone stay upset for too long when she (oh that was some NICE grammar right there)has 2 of the sweetest people alive as friends? (sighs) I'm starting to yearn for some Tennesee air, or more likely, some Tennessee company =} As always Lana, you always say EXACTLY the right thing to cheer me up 100x's better than I can do myself! I love you dear!!!!! I'll continue the song when I get back. It's off to mandatories!!! Wish me luck! Have fun at school today and teach me some Latin sometime!! Searching For on 8/05/2002 07:59:00 AM.
8.04.2002 Ah, well one always feels a bit silly after having a huge release of emotion, but it does make one feel better. I've now decided it's alright, I'll get through it, it's ok. Sorry if I scared the living daylights out of anyone, (lol, Lana I can tell you're used to this, such a pro is thee). Sometimes, when you've run out of alleys to turn down and when you don't want to share with a person there's always blogger. (lol, I could do a commercial, I know). I figure I was getting some aniexty about not going to Tennessee and with madatories starting tommorrow, I believe my body realized that it hadn't gone to TN at it's ususal time. (sighs), well I do feel so much the better for everything. I'm ready to start mandatories tommorrow, I suppose maybe it was a bit of shock of being an official junior and not experiencing much of what the freshman have! lol. Ahh well, I'll go on just being lil ol' me. Thanks for loving me you guys, you're awesome!
"Was I out of my head, was I out of my mind, how could I have ever been so blind?" Hey Lana- "It's getting hott in herre........." =} Searching For on 8/04/2002 07:08:00 PM.
Dearest Blog,
*Anyone reading this, I heed you this warning, this may be a very long, drawn-out, irrelevant and boring blog for thee. I don't care about my grammar or spelling or anything else, so don't share (I mean come ON, this a blog for gosh sakes, it's NOT a 20 page thesis on the creation of the world!) Also beware, it's likely it's becoming that time of month, and I always swing into strange moods. Oh and I am in "OH WOE IS ME!!!! mood, so yeah I'm whining, but at least I warned you and at least someone didn't have to listen to me for hours on end. There, can't say I didn't warn ya!* Sometimes I wonder about life. I mean, everyone "wonders about life" right? More specifically my life, but I wonder about others too. Ever since I was really little I remember thinking, "yeah, this is how I see things...but what if I lived their life." Like really lived it, as them. I've never had any terribleness in my life. I've always had food, family, clothing, a bed, etc. I haven't REALLY ever YEARNED for anything. When I get to feeling lousy it makes me feel a horrid person, like there are kids starving and kids they don't know if their parents are dead or alive, there are worse things out there in life than what I go through everyday you know? I mean half the time I listen to myself and I realize, I've turned into the teenager I didn't want to, the kind you see on TV. Where things like not getting the jersey you wanted bother you, I mean come on, how 5th grade is that? I guess I'm just getting annoyed because when it comes to my "friends" IT'S ALWAYS ME. I can always be "excluded" or "needed" but certain things, like they don't really LISTEN, like they don't really.....CARE. I can listen to them for days and try to make things easier for them, but when it comes to me.....forget it. I mean it used to be different with Kyle, he was really listening, but now with Bridget and his whole modeling thing...I'm just....easily excluded I guess. Last night when I was at Patory's right before we were leaving to go and see "Signs" and one of Patory's friends that I didn't know, she was REALLY nice though, she told me I looked and acted like one of the chicks from "Real World" or "Road Rules" and while I said thanks for the compliment and all, and I know she meant it as one...it was just like....woah, how did that happen? You know, I always wanted to be the quiet one, the thoughtful one, the one that's loved by all or least almost all. Not popular...just loved b/c of how they ARE inside. I guess I always wanted to be the opinionated one too though, b/c it drives me nuts when certain peple keep their mouths closed....always, unless she's in "trusted" company...to me, that's not being REAL, not being YOU, and it annoys the heck out of me. But yet, I don't feel "REAL" either. I feel like sometimes...like it takes too much energy to be "REAL" all the time, that sometimes I just have to be fake, b/c I just can't be me all the time. And I just don't understand it, I thought it should be the other way around, it just doesn't make any sense to me. I almost feel...like I have too much time on my hands, like I need someone else there for me, b/c sometimes I just can't handle everything life throws at me at once. I've done it by myself for so long, I almost feel like it's time I should get a break. I'm almost 17 and I've never truly dated a soul, it's not depressing to me, it's lonely. I feel like I've done my work, it's time for my play, like it's MY turn. I know I've been known to run the other way when any kind of relationship looks me in the eye, but I truly believe that's b/c the guy wasn't for me, and I couldn't be cruel enough to string him along anymore. Before it was more of a challenge, just to show I could do it. Now it's like, please, I want something I can consider "REAL." I don't know, I just get to feeling there's something wrong with me, and I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's hard not to. The only guys I've ever attracted have wanted to get into my pants, to put it as nicely as I can currently. I'm just frustrated, I feel like WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG!? (pardon my language). I mean, I followed a format so...so safe!!!! I made sure I was the smart girl, I played catch-up for so long, it's still unbelievable to me that currentl I'm the best in the pea-squat of a town in my grade, I've got 2 years left, but I finally made it. I've shown I can hold my own with all athletes, I mean I can play tennis rather well, and I've played it all of once. I'm free with myself, I get stressed, but I'm getting better. I let me be me to all I think important if I can. I go to all the games, I know all the guys like they're my brothers. I'm not bashful, but I'm not a slut either. I think girls are petty for the most part, at least here, but I put up with them. I've gotten through believing I "had" a guy who had a girlfriend and was a complete jerk. I'm smart, I'm pretty, I've finally learned how to dress myself and do my hair and my make-up (thanks Lana, I know it was a long road to haul, but I'm glad you never gave up), I still don't consider myself the most beautiful thing on earth, I'm not stuckup. I have friends "out" of "the crowd." But I'm still so damn lonely (pardon)! My best friends live 600+ miles away, my brother lives 3 hours. I have the best parents a girl could want, but I just...I'm lonely and upset and can't figure out where I went wrong. I know what I'll blame it on, I'll blame it on my weight, so I'll go on some insane diet for a year or two. Nothing that can permanetly hurt me, b/c I'm too smart for that, I've already been there and done that when I was a young, 3rd grader. I'll feel better about myself everytime I fit into a smaller size, I'll pick up a bigger sense of faith, then I'll run for student council AGAIN for what, like the 5th year, it's not like I don't do student council things anyway, just b/c I'm the person I am and arrive at school at the crack of dawn, but once again, others will be elected.....and kicked out....they'll run again the next year....and be voted in again....it's just great. I'll become a frequent runner and star of the track team. Carrie will get everyone to hate me, and I'll find myself back at square one, I'll still wonder what's wrong with me. Life has got to find a different, better pattern. Sometimes I wonder if I just threw everything out the window and said "To hell with it all" and just lived day by day and said the hell with school and just was a rebel what would happen, sometimes I just feel like screaming for no reason. But...I couldn't do that to my parents. Sometimes I wonder if once I get away and into college....if I can try again. Sometimes with a glimmer of hope I think, maybe it's them, it's not me...but that's a heck of a lot of people for it to be all of them. Maybe I'm not cut out for small town politics... Oh goodness who knows, who knows. God save me.....again....please, I've had just about enough of this Ahh well, after all this is said and doesn't make a lick of sense...maybe Avril says it best... "I'm With You" Avril Lavigne I'm standing on the bridge I'm waiting in the dark I thought that you'd be here by now There's nothing but the rain No footsteps on the ground I'm listening but there's no sound Isn't anyone trying to find me Won't somebody come take me home It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life Won't you take my by the hand Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are but I I'm with you I'm looking for a place I'm searching for a face Is anybody here I know Cause nothing's going right And everything's a mess And knowone likes to be alone Isn't anyone trying to find me Won't somebody come take me home It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life Won't you take my by the hand Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are but I I'm with you I'm with you Why is everything so confusing Maybe I'm just out of my mind Yeah Yeah............... Searching For on 8/04/2002 04:34:00 PM.
8.03.2002 Ah well, another day. Sorry my template is looking so ugly, as soon as I get the urge, I'll fix it. I've been sick as a dog with all sorts of entertaining things for the past 3 weeks, so I decided to go the doctors and now I feel like crap. But tonight I'm going out to Patori's party and then to see "Signs". So it should be a good night. You know who and you know who should be there. I'm a bit worried Meg and I are crushing hard on the same person though...if we are, I'm going to feel like crap! Meg asked Tobey for his uniform and Carrie asked Mike, so now I'm in an uncomfy situation. DANG IT!!! lol, it's always me, bahhhhhh HUMBUG, I told her I was going to ask him too!!!!!!!!!! ok, I'm done now. Glad to see your blog up and running Tim, it'll be nice to see how you view life. Well I hate to end on such a note, but I must go, it's time to pick up Rachel. Let the games begin!!!!!! I can't wait to see him!!!!!! Searching For on 8/03/2002 06:45:00 PM.
8.02.2002 “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
--Anon. “The world is governed more by appearance than realities so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it.” --Daniel Webster “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” --Mark Twain “To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.” --Eva Young “Experience has taught me this, that we undo ourselves by impatience. Misfortunes have their life and their limits, their sickness and their health.” --Michel de Montaigne “An apology is a good way to have the last word.” --Anon. My daddy is a good man. He turned on the air conditioning this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My skin rejoices and so does the shower. I'm up the early however, b/c my dear, sweet grandma appeared at like 9 this morning, what's a girl to do? I have my physical at 1:30, but I don't have to leave until about 1ish. You know Lana, you going back to school really is KILLING me! Don't ask me why b/c I have no idea why it effects me so deeply, but for the past 2 mornings I've awoken and thought....."Lana's back in school" and it depresses me greatly. I mean I'm used to my summer being over after mandatories start but, I dunno it's just weird. Well I'm off to clean somemore. What else can one do when they're going to the doctors and they have 2 hours.....I mean who wants to look nice when they're going to the DOCTORS? Well I'm off to clean out a few cupboards in the kitchen and see what I can do in the other 2 rooms, maybe even the bathroom.....eh prolly not enough time, but you never know. Maybe I'll even get to watch some good quality tv while I'm cleaning.........lol. Searching For on 8/02/2002 11:23:00 AM.
8.01.2002 Well, today was my Mama's birthday. I bought her all this fun Maxine stuff, but currently, it's still sitting on my kitchen table, waiting to be opened. At least I was able to clean the kitchen very well. She took her cake with her and went out with Grandma and Grandpa, and I would be Aunt Rosie too, being as though it's her birthday as well and she's in town. I hope you had an alright day today Lana, though it didn't sound too lovely. I have my physical tommorrow.bbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, hate the physical, too many questions. I got my mom a pitcher, rug, 4 place mats, an oven mitt and I hope to finish the collection between Phil and I for Christmas. Well, it's much too hot to do anything. I hate this heat, it's KILLING my skin, I don't think it's looked this bad since 6th grade Quiescent (adj.) being at rest; quiet or still. “Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.” --George S. Patton “Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.” --C.D. Jackson “If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over.” --Anon. Searching For on 8/01/2002 09:23:00 PM.
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