This is where this post needs to go.

As I sit here and take 3 deeps breathes and I begin to post. I can feel it. It's hard to hold on to. and it's fleeting. but it's that feeling of listening to tracey chapman and being at home in the computer room with my white shorts with cherries and a wife beater with wet hair, freshly out of the shower with the windows open and sweet summer rain falling and the calmness softly folding around me.

and then I felt emotions.

and I was in love. but I also still loved myself. and everything was so good.

I've made mistakes.

but in my life I've loved and I've been loved. and I've loved with all my heart.

I fell in love at 17. Head over heels. Butterflies in my stomach, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat fell in love. Sneaking out fell in love. nervous first kiss fell in love.

and over time I fell back into love with him a time or two. each time a little less and little more sad to me.

but he'll retain a portion of my heart forever. and though we weren't meant to be, I can't look back with anything but fondness.

I fell in love a second time my freshmen year of college. Head over heels. and that's the one that confuses me. I'll never understand why it didn't work out. I know it won't, but I know. But in that time. I loved him more than anything and I'd like to think that he loved me too. It was beautiful while it lasted.

I fell in love again my sophomore year. This time with a rebel. and I refuse to try and explain this anyone but myself. I thought he hung the moon. And I was crazy passionate about him. Yes he made my life miserable a good bit of the time (granted I let him) but when we were together things were right...all was right with the world. Some of my best memories are with him and they're so random. We had some awful, awful times, but I dont' want to talk about those. But even those, I CARED. We were passionate in everything we did, love or hate. and this year...we have a sense of apathy. One night we had it all back, knowing it would never last but I had it all back and for that moment I loved him again and I'd like to think he loved me, but he might not have, but this is my cloud. I loved him with so much of me. and no one ever got it and i couldn't have explained it to you if I tried, if I wanted to and I still can't.

But I can tell you that when he calls and tells my voicemail that he loves me it takes every piece of me to resist. I hate sex and I can tell until the horrible night I loved it with him. I loved racing up the stairs, I loved making out under streetlights. I even loved the tipsy feeling in my head and the way he'd throw me on the bed (something that it's really uncommon for me to like for obvious reasons). I love sleeping in until 3pm the next day and how he'd eventually reach for me. I loved tuesday night dates. I loved the way he's talk to me if we weren't fighting or I wasn't hateful. Back when I trusted him with my heart and soul and all else that I was made up of.

I even fondly remember the pain I went through. All those fridays on the couch doing laundry and watching stargate with jaimie. The tears I shed. because I truly, truly, truly FELT then and I knew what I wanted.


And now I do know what I want. I know that I want to help people in trauma and I know that I can do it. I didn't settle for my occupation. Even though going to school for a gazillion more years doesn't appeal to me I know it's right. and I know I can do it. I don't know where or how but I know that God will guide me on my journey and I'll make it through.

but I can also feel that I want to make it through "alone"
and when I say alone I don't mean alone.
i mean with God and my family and my friends and my best friend.

but what I've realized right now is that I don't want any big huge changes in my life. I don't want a live in boyfriend who comes over every night or who sleeps in my bed once a week. I don't want anyone to need anything other than what I already give because I'm pretty sure I can't. or I won't? I'm not sure yet.

Today I realized I wouldn't care if I didn't get married until I was 30, so long as I was happy until then and then of course thereafter.

Even with all my house with their boyfriends that sleep over and stay and are always around...I am very glad that makes them happy.

but it makes me want to pull my hair out for myself.

you have no idea the joy I get from coming home and not showering and not wearing a pair of jeans until thursday night. I reveal in sweats all week and no make up and look like hell. and then on friday I can feel the transformation in my bones in my workout in the morning. I can feel the happiness bursting from my heart as I think of my blissful weekend with all my friends...

ALL MY FRIENDS.
not my boyfriend.
when there is a boyfriend there is no happiness. there is rushedness and trying to rush and come up with something fun to do. and it's always so planned or we'll never do ANYTHING.

when it's just me.
I can make last minute plans.
last minute plans can fall onto my lap.
I can wear whatever I WANT and not worry about impressions
I can get my hair cut
I can go to bed early
I can eat bad food
i can go to the grocery simply for bad food
i can watch stargate all night without someone trying to grope me or make out with me and I can watch it in my gross clothes that don't match with my hair all mess.
I can go run down by the river and think (and pray I don't get mugged).
I can meander through the oval, crying or laughing and just listening to the silence and seeing the trees.
or I can sit in my room and think about whatever I wish and listen to whatever music I want.

No one controls me. but I am loved by many and I have no horrid secrets to bare anymore.

I like cooking for myself.
I like when my family comes in and I am single. I get to talk with ALL of them and not be responsible for another. I get to freely laugh and love and listen to the beauty that is my family.

If I want to, I can go to bed without answering to anyone.
I can have 1 drink or i can have 7 and only I will pay for it.

I can dance all night with a guy and leave him there.
I can dance all night with a guy and give me my number and tell him only to call it at respectable hours with a respectable idea if he really likes me.

I can tell the guy in my 312 psychology class likes me, even in my sweats, I also can tell we're going to end up in grad school together. and I can tell we'll be friends that do coffee and dinner on friday nights. And I like that and I like not feeling guilty about that.

What I want is not to be tied down. And currently I can't do anything about the person I currently love and I actually like that. I refuse to force this. What will be, will be and god will will it. Through all my lessons I have learned that forcing anything won't work. and if it's meant to be it will. and if it's not. it won't.

I also know that I was never, ever a good sit around and waiter. I'd rather cut off my right arm and my left leg than get into a relationship right now. I don't want it, I can't handle it for the above reasons and many more. What I do want is the ability to say yes when an intelligent boy asks me out for lunch or dinner or ice skating. I also want the right to say no, when I don't want to go.

I want to live freely and love fully. I want to take those last minute plans. and I want to follow life where it leads me and I want to be happy while I'm doing it.

I don't want to try and throw my life where I THINK it should go. because that has gotten me no where in my life. I want spring and skipping and backhandsprings in the oval and stayin out late and the sun going down late and long walks in the oval and tanning in the oval and studyin in the oval and outdoor concerts.

And what I think I just realized. Is that I knew a good part of myself long ago. In my house, in my computer room with those white shorts with cherries on them with my hair up listening to the summer rain and tracey chapman. I've changed since then in good ways and in not so good ways. But that very essence, that very soul was my carefree self before the world brought me down.

and in the quiet of my life, not in the rain or the hustle and bustle...I have realized that I have returned to it. and although the world won't see the change in me, I can feel it in everything I do and everything I think and feel.

and all I can say is. it's good to be home.

Searching For on 2/27/2007 10:38:00 PM.